Day 30- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

[Fin]

 

If I knew
That all the trials and tribulations
Would have lead to you
I would do them all over again
With joy
Because this life I have

with you is more than I could ever imagine
I love the love you have for me
It possesses me and
Gives me
More breath than I can breathe
Move life than I can live
More love than I can love
You give me more
And there is no right way to say this
This love you share

Willingly openly and completely with me
Allows us to grow
Thrive
Survive
This magnificent reality we live in

So if I knew

That all the trials and tribulations

Would lead me directly to you

I gladly and enthusiastically choose

The pain and loneliness’ and heartaches

To allow this love

To be

Day 29- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

30for30

You worry

 why

When

How

But never see the now

You wonder

If

But

When

And then look past us again

You are not here

You are never there

I thought eh, so what

I pretend not to care.

I thought OK

Maybe give you some time

But then again time after time

The love you choose is not mine

So now I am back at square one

Wondering

When is this supposed to be fun?

Is this bullshit game is done?

I have a feeling no one won.

Day 28- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Day 28: 4:32 pm

To the sexy air traffic control dude

YESSSS signal the plane!

Signal the plane!

Thank you sir for signaling de plane!

 

 

Day 27- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Zephyr

Memories fade

As time tells tales to those who watch the hands move

Swiftly stories untold by tongues held tightly within

She seeks him only to be lost

Thrown off course by the quintessence zephyr of his being

Unfathomable that she knows him

She new him prior to rage and pain and hurt swelled in his core

She discerned the shame and lust that unconsciously dwell in his heart

No room for intimacy, no room for peace

Vile familiarities span his core that once was complete with narratives of

Intimacy, tenderness, adoration and she

Gone is he who promptly thieved her love and sheltered it away from eternity

Vanished is the experience of them in passionate ecstasy

At this time, unaccounted for is her remembrances of him

The memories are fading and the stories are tales of times past their time

Abruptly moonlight moves beyond the shadows cast

Alone she searches for he again

Longing to forget trying to remember

Past.

Day 26- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

Day 26

Why don't you want to love me anymore?
Why don't you want me around?
Why don't you want me anymore?

Maybe it was

A Passing fantasy
Maybe it was
Because this is forbidden
Maybe it was 

Cleverly disguised as something more than this was or
Maybe it was

Definitely not going to work
Maybe it was
Enough
Maybe it was
Fear
Maybe it was
Getting too serious
Hopeful
Inevitable
Justifiable
Kind of amazing in a subtle way
Maybe it was
LOVE…which was
Making you mindful of
NOT being an ass
Or careless with my feelings. 
Personally, I think
Quietly you wanted to love me
Reasons being that I truly
Showed you what genuine love is
Trusted you with my heart and
Ultimately with my soul and
Venerated your presence because you captivated my spirit...so
Why don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you want me around?
Maybe it was an
X-cercise is futility
Yearning for something that would never be
Zero sum game, the biggest looser being me.

Day 25- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

"wishing on dandelions in the winter"

I wish
You could see the love
You have right in front of you
The person who is
Sacrificing and struggling
Right alongside you
The person who truly wants the best for you
And wants to be the best for you

I wish
You could see
That alone in the loneliness
You do not have to be
You have someone whom you claim to love
You have a partner
Sent from above
You have two open eyes
But a closed heart
Holding on to being
Who you think you are versus
Who y'all are capable to be

I wish
That when it is time
To criticize and think the worst
You look to the best
You look to the reason why you choose each other
And realize this is another test

You could see all loves possibility

And re-choose love all over again

Remember that this is your lover and your friend

I wish…I wish

Day 24- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Fear of Love's Possibility

 

Day 24

I'm scared

Of all the things

I said I would be

And I’m scared of all the things

I said I would do

But the one thing I am truly scared of

I am scared of falling in love with you

I know that may seem a little strange

Quite possibly I am deranged...

And I know I may seem

Like someone who don't care

I know that there are times

When I seem like “I'm not there”

Trust and believe

It is me who really dares

To truly let you in my heart

And see all my hopes and fears

I'm a woman of many varied talents

Just wait and maybe you'll see

But while I am here trying not to love you

I am not letting you see the 'vulnerable' me

Is the hope of more worth it?

Is my scared of the unknown

greater than my courage?

Is the risk of me appealing?

Can you stop my fear from reeling?

So I'm scared

That if I let you see the truth in my heart

This truth will set you free

Free and very gone and honestly possibly

Far from me.



Day 23- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

I speak your name

Silently

Because my silence

Is much louder than my roar

I require your touch

Immediately

Because I need to feel

Your sustaining strength

I hear your desires

Intensely          

Mirroring the longings of my own

I crave to feel you

Your passion, your purpose,

your...

I want to

But I can’t

 

Towards you

 

Towards love

 

Towards us

 

So I speak your name

 

Silently

 

Because in silence

 

You hear me

 

You feel me

 

You get me

Day 22- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Cravings

What do I want?

You

Utterly completely and unrestricted entirely

What do I desire?

Intimacy

Personal and pure passion between us

What do you crave?

Me

Rocking, pulsing, sucking, sighing, breathing, biting…us

I know what I want

You are what I want, sticky sweet dripping from my lips

 my fingertips …more of you… good.

I taste me- On you

 No I won’t share

Me with you

I want it all

These desires that make me do insatiable things

To your head…so go ahead

I am your illicit immoral indulgence.

Cravings…

Day 21- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month--I dreamt]

I dreamt

Of betrayal last night
In the most intimate way
I saw you and him
Kissing
Clandestinely
While in plain sight
And maybe
The suspicions I had of you
Were just right
Maybe because you never held my hand
Maybe you never truly loved me
Because I was no man
But maybe I'm confused
Because some of the things you said
Had us grinding (yes in the nude)
And maybe I am mistaken
I mean maybe my vision is a little shaken
Maybe I am wrong
Because here you go
Singing another love song
Maybe that's not for me
Yes I know- it's a song about 'he' or him
or whatever you choose
That's not me...In this reality
As I wake up
I remember
It's just a dream?

I dreamt of betrayal last night

Day 20- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Take your time

Baby

Our love

Our time

has come

There is no rush

We have all night

Just for you

and me

This is just right

We are

More than a thought

More than simple Actions

More than intense Feelings...

More than We could handle

More for Us to want

Baby let me know

Baby take it slow

Intensely

Intimately

Intricately

Baby ummm

I love how you flow

Baby my body

Has acquiesced to your touch

She answers

Conversing cunningly with

Connected convulsions

Coming consistently

Capturing consciousness

Can't...Take our time

Baby

Our time

Our love

has come

Day 17- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Emotionally drained

From this life I am
living
These lies I am
telling
This constant
Sinning

So I say
I 'give' my time freely
But it definitely
Costs me
And the value of myself
Is something
I have yet to see

There is no salvation
When you constantly
Choose wrong
There is something to be said
About that devil
Playing my song

I have opened my heart
More times than I can count
Seems like all sorts
Of malice, evil and hurt
Have found me out.

So
I am
Sealing back up this heart
And pushing back down my soul
Maybe my savior will come
When I am in that six foot hole.

I am emotionally drained.

Day 18- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

April 20. 1:19 am




Mommy
Why do you cry?
Why are there tears?
What does that mean?
Do you have fears?

Mommy...
Don't be sad.
Did I do something wrong?
What can I do to help you?
Maybe I can sing you a song?

I have all these questions
in my 3 Year old mind
Some of the words
I simply can't find

Maybe I was bad
Maybe it was dad
Maybe I should not have asked
For another story or another chance

Maybe you don't love me
As much as you say you do
Maybe I should have ate or eaten my vegetables

Mommy why do you cry?
Maybe I can help
I promise to put away my toys
Just don't bring out that belt

Mommy I am scared
Because I don't recognize your face
I know I hear you and daddy yelling
And then I heard a crash of that blue vase

Mommy can you hear me
Please wake up
You've been sleep for awhile
After you took all them pills from that cup

Mommy it's not fair
Mommy what did you do?
Mommy why did you leave me?
Mommy I still love you.

Day 19- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

{Apart of me}



A part of me
Wants you so badly
That I cannot acknowledge
Any other feelings I have
Throughout the night
I want to love you
So desperately
I am
Willing to compromise
My morals
And what's left of my values
Just to be with you
I am not good at pretend
Because my fantasies
Are so visceral and vivid
That my reality pales in comparison.
Yeah
You do this to me
But
I dare not tell you
I dare not show you
I
dare
not
Because
Apart of me wants you so badly
That I am loosing me
Seeking you
So
Won't you be a part of me
Have parts of me
Part me
Please...

Coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

My coffee consumption has been sporadic of late... Considering I have worked 11 days straight and this weather has us from mid 70's rocking just an open toe heel and dining al fresco to today- 38 degrees and rocking boots, scarf, long wool coat and snow on the car.
There is something wrong with this picture.
At any rate, beyond working for the weekends I have had the interesting pleasure of clarifying 'friendship' and disagreeing with people who i have fully supported but perceive otherwise with no basis of a reason. It's really odd how what I am 'doing' and who I am 'being' nets me 'friends' who are barely meeting any terms of a friendship contract (if there was say a contract in place which there is not tho I am now thinking that may not be a bad idea because at least folks would be clear of what is required to have the pleasure of my friendship. I mean I am not asking for monetary compensation although apparently I may need to start requiring some money because the time 'wasting' is certainly valuable to me. Anywho I digress...)
So. All this to say
Don't.
Thanks.
And stop it.
Much appreciated.
Oh you don't know what to stop?
You better ask somebody.
that's all...



Sent from my iPhone

Horoscope: Gemini: April 15th, 2014

A significant personal encounter or confrontation can happen today. You cannot, and probably will not want to, be alone now with the energy that surrounds you at this time. Reach out to people and to get others' input or counsel if you aren't really sure of how to deal with a situation. Listen to your partner or a friend who can give you an objective view point on the issue.

sometimes I should just listen...


Sent from my iPhone

Day 15- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Day 15- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Reflecting

I am not myself
Because you love me
And because you love me
I am
Braver
Stronger
Prettier
More educated
Worthy
Passion
Alive
I am
Peace in chaos
And light when it's dark
I am
Quiet as it's loud
And movement when it's still
Still
I am Not myself
because
You
love
me
I am divine
Inspired
Touch
Present
So
Because you love me
I am...


Sent from my iPhone

Horoscope: Gemini: April 14th, 2014

SO this happened--- i have had too much communication in the way that was semi good but then semi productive but then totally needed. Apparently when folks change, they CHANGE ALL THE WAY and try to make you seem like YOU is the one... anywho

A non-stop flow of communication between yourself and the people in your immediate environment is likely today. You may engage in interesting and informative discussions or fritter your time away in inconsequential chatter and gossip. Mental curiosity or restlessness may also impel you to take a short trip or visit.

Day 14- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

They keep asking me

Who are you dating?
Are you a lesbian?
Oh, well When are you getting married?
Haven't you found a man that will go out with you?
Well, you know you are too picky- you should lower your standards.
Nowadays, you don't need a man, just go have some babies.
When are you going to have some babies?
You know you aren't getting any younger baby
You know with modern science as it is you can have a baby well into your 70's
Right.
What they are not asking me is
How are you?
What makes you happy?
What have you contributing to society?
Are you ok?
How's your spirit?
Do you need a hug?
How about a laugh?

What they are not saying is
You are enough with out and despite all them unanswered questions.

But they keep asking me
And I'm not telling

Day 13- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

{peace of a broken heart}

If I give you 

My heart in pieces
I have still given you my heart
And I ask you now to save me
It's the only way I know how to start

If I trust that you love me
Will I be the fool?
This is why I act very disinterested
Hell I maybe play it too cool

I guess you can say I'm afraid
Scared of what you will see in me
The truth is I'm not entirely sure
Of all that you claim to be

Living this 'protected' life is not really living at all
Half the time I spend my days
Wishing, looking, wondering, thinking
Is it OK if I really fall?

I mean I am definitely seeking an unmistakable sign
That sings, shouts, says
Yes take the risk, go 'head
You'll be mine

But
Apparently my life doesn't always work that way
And night by night
Day by day
I wonder (& of course I pray)
That if I give you my heart
Tho in pieces
Broken it will no longer stay.

Day 12- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Epic and poetic

 

The things you said to me 

Evoked 

epic and poetic thoughts 

in my head

Thoughts of 

love

Family

Blessings

Trust

Commitment 

Contentment 

Adoration

Exploration

Ecstasy 

...All the things

 that were lacking in my 

Life 

Until you. 

And until you 

Said those things to me

Those things

That made me think

I love you

I want a family with you

this union must be blessed

I trust you with my soul

I commit to you my body

You make me content

What we have is mutual adoration coupled with nightly explorations of my body inclusive of my heart

leading to our ecstasy. 

...and all the things

that were lacking in my 

existence

That were provoked 

By your

Epic and poetic thoughts

Were 

Just

A

Thought

In

My

Head 

On

My

Heart

And 

Far

From

You

Day 11- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

I am not a fan
Of manipulative behaviors

I do not like
That you say what you want
To get what you want
Just because you want
It

I am not a fan
Of your dishonesty

It is easier to lie
For your pleasure
Than to tell the truth
For me

I am not a fan
Of your presence

Your character is flawed
Your actions are weak
Your existence is worthless
To me

I am not a fan
Of you
Anymore

Day 10- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Oh MTA
Why do you never go my way?
Why is it I am waiting for you
Like salvation too
Waiting for you to pick me up?
Why is it that we forget get stuck?
Same old lies- train traffic ahead
But alas no! There is nothing ahead
But empty promises
Of progress...
You are like a relationship gone bad
A long time ago
Yet I can't let go
I have to stay the course
Trying to enjoy this ride
But my disdain I can't hide
You don't ever go my way
And this shit ain't ok
You apologize for my inconvenience
But you don't really mean that
You just gonna do what you gonna do
And until I win mega millions I am gonna have to accept you
But this shit ain't ok
Oh MTA
Why don't you ever go my way?

Day 9- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Hope

There is something I have not mentioned (yet)
That I have hope
You see
Miracles happen everyday
Happiness
Selflessness
Commitment of community
Love
Blessings of birth
Life
Contribution
All of these things give me
Hope
Hope that what I see in the news
And on rachet tv
Does not prevail over society
And that human decency
Still can rein supreme.
So
Despite the horrific
Devastating news that happens to show up every day
Let us have hope
That this world
With our 'works' in it
IS and will continue to be
A better place

Horoscope: Gemini: April 10th, 2014

Part of you may want romance at present while another part of you is finding it hard to reconcile the demands of love with a lot of the other commitments you've made.Trying to please someone for fear of guilt in refusing their requests is an inappropriate approach.You may have to hurt someone by telling them you're not interested.At least it's honest. 

And everyone knows at least I am that... Hmmm we shall see

what's that about...30 for 30

In case you have been reading and simultaneously have been wondering why this coffee thought has morphed into a poetic lounge of sorts...it is because April is National Poetry Month. Now me, being the poeticly inclined and all, decided to throw this idea out there and challenge my wonderful group of Chicken Grease folks (with Bro#3 input) with 30 for 30 poems (a challenge poets are having out there) and write 30 poems. the results have been amazing, literally. We have come together (virtually) every day posting prose and exploring words and all that jazz.
I am really proud of (some) of the things that have come out of this... and maybe (finally) they we will have a book to put out there or something...
time will tell..
yay for creative minds..
that's all...

the thing about cake...

the thing about cake is that it is definitely something
I love to love to have
and will seek to have cake for numerous of reasons-
or no reasons at all.
Well, today would be a reason to have cake-
celebrating the birth of my daddy (April 8)
and he would have been 70 years old today.
I know he had a thing for chocolate
(or maybe had that thing cause I used to want chocolate- some things never change)
and I remember just daddy.
He was the epitome of man for me
(no there are no daddy issues here, thanks)
but what I was explaining this weekend was that
witnessing the love between my mom and dad
(and the arguments, and the care, and the struggle, and the fun times, and the laughter, and the togetherness, and the love, and the love, and the love)
makes me think:

WOW. This happened.
Love happened.
Love is real.
Love is possible.
Love is work.
Love is authentic.
Love is consistent.
Love is constant.
Love is amazing.
Love is just...
Love is something that I want.

So yeah, with that held firmly in my heart, I kind of know what love is (and then the experiences I have experienced) that were nearly love- more like eh-this-is-something kind of way.
And I have faith...in love.

Thanks Dad, Happy Birthday. R.I.P

Day 8- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

I want to be human

I want to be human
I want to feel that deep inside
I want to know them thoughts
I need to enjoy this ride

I want to be human
To taste the taste of me
To be your antidote baby
To make a case of me

I want to be human
To explore the reality
Fuck your fantasy bitches
Give me it all phallicly...

I want to be human
In Coltrane's sentimental mood
Igniting passions play purposely
Compromising positions in the nude

I want to be human
To rejoice in your glory
Intimately, sinfully
Our bodies will tell the story

I want to be human
Minds blown as I suck
Arched backs scratched
Pinned down hands when we fuck

I want to be human
To be touched and tasted
Nipples licked to tongue hip tricks
Our time is now - not wasted

I want to be human
Angelic fallen from grace
Devious images conjured between us
You will forever remember my taste

I am human.

challenges...accepted

So
I am sore today from the challenges of yesterday, and that is a very good thing.
Last week, the conversation with Beks went something like this:
B: Let's hang out
Me: Ok what we wanna do?
B: I dunno brunch/ drinks?
Me: Always good, how about a walk?
B: Ohh nice, maybe the park?
Me: Ohhh how about a hike?
B:Sounds good lets check on a nature hike
(Later) how about ziplining?
Me: Uhhh sure.. #yolo + #insurance = why not..wait...what's the weight limit?
(a few hours drive & a safety harness & explanation ropes course)
B: totally didn't read the fine print
Me: and here I was just coming out for the mimosas
...suffice it to say fun times and crazy business!

The thing about this experience is that the challenge to complete it (and what I can stand/ what I wont do/ what I think my limitations are) are always with us. I mean I am not the greatest fan of heights (or really falling from them) and I am not a fan of having to exude super super balance and cognitive thinking skills while defying death.. but i mean it was fun.

Something I remembered from a previous ropes course is that

#1- If I stop shaking (regain my balance) then yes, the apparatus will regain its balance as well

#2- Trust yourself that I. Can. Do. This

#3- It is OK to be scared, just keep going

#4- Remember to breathe.

 

 

feeling like a rock star (haha)

 

Morale of the story:

"Don't limit your challenges..Challenge your limits"

Day 7- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

He said
One day you're going to love me
And you knew
That it was true

He said
One day you're going to believe me
And you knew
That this was true

He said
One day you're going to want me
And you knew
That this was true

He said
One day you're going to miss me
And you now know
This is true



Sent from my iPhone

Horoscope: Gemini: April 7th, 2014

Unless other conditions are prevailing in your life, this should be a happy, relaxed, and successful period -- one in which you should take advantage of all opportunities for social advancements. Do what you can to make yourself available for new contacts that can lead to successful linking of associations.

So this is what my horoscope is telling me on my day off today. Be happy. Be relaxed. Be successful.
These are my plans...let's see how far this takes me.

Day 6- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

You’ve changed
And the feelings that you once had
Are no longer present
Towards me

You’ve changed…

Something about the conversations

We have been having
Leads me to believe

You’ve changed
And
While change isn’t always bad

This. Cant. Be. Good.

You see
I notice the non-questions asked
But always there
To get rid of me
I notice
The impatience of your
Touch
To get rid of me
I notice the rushed tones
In your voice
To get rid of me
I notice the sighs
To get rid of me
I notice the rolled eyes
To get rid of me
When I think
When I speak
When I breathe
When I …
I notice

You’ve changed

And. This. Cant. Be. Good,

For Me