coffee thought...

coffee thought...
It's been a minute and considering we are winding down to the end I the year and folks are reliving what they have done in 2013 and who they have lost in 2013 and who they have gained in 2013 in preparation for 2014 it strikes me as _____ as to what has been accomplished. Somehow this time last year I was not sure of all the things that were going on and never expected the things that have happened. It is a good thing (fingers still crossed) and hopefully an even greater thing.
So what has happened? Travel. Friends lost and gained. Love (ok not really love but an extreme infatuation) curiosity, growth , discernment, happiness, life! I mean in there was many challenges/ and opportunities for stretching the perceived limitations of me. Some things worked out. Others didn't- and that's ok (I have since learned).



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Groceries...

One persons groceries is another persons WTF??

Some things are true...

Whether you believe in them or not.

City of angels.

Merry Christmas to me...

Can you believe this is what my horoscope is telling me?

I mean it is fitting considering how I am feeling but I mean really universe?

Oh and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus...

12.22.13

Hair Stories

So this is me...

before and after..

working on the bangs again

(thanks to Mane Motive)...

I mean why not

(it's been a minute without them)

 and she tapered the ends...

Why not end the year with a bang

(in more ways than one..he he he)

hahaha

(before/after.. flat ironed out)

back view...

Me

Old and new me... 

Maybe it is time for a change;)

So

So
This is what happens when you try to volunteer
You end up missing the session
(as there was some staled train in the tracks)
and you were on the MTA system for an hour.
(and it is never going your way) 
Thanks <--can font="" sarcasm="" smell="" the="" you="">
Guess I'll try to be of service some other time.

Happy dance!

Because I tied a tie...

Now really... I was told my tie tying skills are crap... but that is neither here nor there... and trust and believe I used to be able to tie a great tie, however when one is out of practice then one looses the ability to do such things... (ride a bike, drive a car, ride other things? yes/ no? I digress...)

Soooo in an attempt to know what I know and continually build on what I know I got a lovely tartan tie (purple label) and tried it.

Results!

(check that off my bucket list)

whoo hoo... now to find the outfit to rock it with...

 

there is a dimple

 

styling

strike a pose

Coffee thought ...

With friends like that...
What makes you a friend to me?
What makes you think that it is OK to be intentionally cruel and malicious with my feelings, friend? Where it is OK to just taunt and create an entirely uncomfortable place for me, friend?
That is not something friends do.
 At. All.
wait... some friends do that- but I am clear it is from a place of good fun and  genuineness and not on some cruel intentions bit... 
There is no good reason for any of all that.
So, with that said I need to truly reassess who I call my friends
I need to reassess who I trust.
I need to reassess...

Coffee thought...

Change is constant
No one said it would be easy or wanted or even in un-welcomed-
because some folks really want a change.
Some folks really need a change.
Change can often be hard- because as far as I know
No one ever asked the caterpillar how it felt to become the butterfly
Or asked the bird (after every time it fell) how does it feels when he finally flies...
No- there is one thing that is constant and that is change.
People change.
Relationships change- no better or worse just they change.
One of the questions I have asked was
'Was this love that we shared sustainable beyond change?'
What are we (read: I) holding on to in order to avoid change?
Was this friendship really that valuable that I am going to be lost without it?
Was this person in my life at a time that was utterly chaotic there in some sense of the form, and are they there now?
Was there a reason?
Not so much- hell not at all IF I tell the truth.
I mean, if they do not see value in me and/ or this relationship then what am I fighting for?
No one wins in a one sided fight...
Accepting change is one of the hardest things we can do.
I accept the things I cannot change- because those things I truly cannot change.
What I do not accept are things that I think I could have possibly changed or influenced the outcome of.
A valid friendship lost is not one of the things I thought I needed to accept considering I put everything into it.
But like folks say you can't make someone want more, do more, be more, or put more into something they do not want--
free will baby.
Free will-
it's all bout choice.
And I choose me.
Thanks for the memories!

that's all...

Coffee thought...

Nearly there

Nearly here.

In re- reading messages sent and received

I can see how my heart took a left turn at Albuquerque

And ended up here.

Now how do I escape?

I am not very fond of Albuquerque

tho I haven't spent much time here

it is very scary

it is very uncomfortable

is it very necessary?

sigh...

nearly here

nearly there

Coffee thought...

Preparing for the annual

 'Very Bean Thanksgiving Feast'

and let me tell you what a time this will be.

Considering these factors:

Bro #2 and his woman will be contributing the asparagus and cranberry sauce.

Bro #1 and his woman (yes he has a live in girlfriend) will be baking the turkey and contributing some unknown other accompaniment.

Jewels will be there cooking away-

she was asked by the boys to make ham again

and bringing my lovely Juniors cheesecake.

I will be making the sweet potatoes,

cornbread stuffing

and veggies

and gran mariner carrot cake.

 I think there will be 2 turkey's

and a roast beef as well...

plus loads of little hours'd erves.

 And drinks.

 Lots to drink.

Cause I will need to be drinked to make this work.

I am also inviting to the home to a few strays

 (bro #3 & random one).

 Should be very interesting to say the least... 

Luck be upon us

 (and good cooking juju as well)

that's all...

It is

Not a good night when your best friend tries to kill you by strangulation in your dream while you are talking about your attraction to someone.
When you have to wake yourself up screaming because you can't breathe there is definitely a problem.
that's all...

Sent from my iPhone

Bullshit

Apparently I have been dealing with a lot of bullshit lately. 

More than the everyday normal amount  of bullshit that we all tend to deal with. 

I can truly say that I am sick of the bullshit. 

that's all...

(Pic courtesy of a great reluctant poet)

coffee thought...horoscope

Love, affection, and romance seem to be all around you. Strong unity with close friends, family members, and your romantic partner may well up throughout the day. You can also expect a rush of imagination and artistic inspiration, perhaps generated by the support of those around you. Any relationships formed now will last a long time. Recall this day when times get tough.

Daily Extended

Flirting is your favorite way to get attention and you aren't happy if even one person in the room is distracted by anything other than you. There's nothing wrong with trying to captivate the masses, but it might help if you have something important or wise to say once you finally are on stage. Your communication skills are at their best, so giving a witty speech or tear-jerking toast should be no problem. The sound of applause is like music to your ears. 

You're as busy as can be today -- and you love it! Your energy is just right for getting what you want and running with it further than ever before. Hit that milestone and keep going!

 

Your ruler, Mercury, is in fine form today with support from wise and caring Chiron and Pluto, dear Gemini, and this enhances your confidence, as well as others' confidence in you. This cast of characters are currently transiting rather practical areas of your chart, so that you can have strong insight into work, health, business, and family matters now. Decisions are clearer now, and you can more easily find effective solutions to problems. You can be especially wise right now when it comes to knowing what is no longer good for you. Things, attitudes, and even relationships that have outgrown their purpose may require a clean-up now. This is so true... today was my communications team meeting and it was such a productive endeavor and I am very stoked to be a part of this team. Makes me re-think the thoughts to chang the scenery... anyewho

coffee thought...

Today's Gemini Horoscope

November 18, 2013

The Moon is in your sign today and tomorrow, dear Gemini, and emotions are strong and clear, possibly even demanding satisfaction! Don't feel guilty if you're feeling the need for some emotional attention and care - it's part of a natural cycle. Emotions emerging now can be a little raw, but nevertheless deserve your attention. Feel them, honor them, and move forward. On another note, Chiron moving in direct motion can help you to feel more in charge when it comes to both career and reputation matters. Recent annoyances in these areas can emerge with greater force. However, any discomfort felt now can prompt you to do something to clear the air.

Creativity: Good ~ Love: Good ~ Business: Good     Hmmm that seems promising, don't it? that's all...

coffee thought...

I believe in you and me... I believe that we will be...In love eternally...As far as l can see...

This song just popped up on my commute and immediately I get a picture of me dancing to this as a wedding first dance song.
Partner: unknown
Date of occurrence: unknown
Love: unknown.

but it's a good song tho...
that's all...


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coffee thought- horoscope

Gemini Horoscope

You have to be as clear as you can be -- it's not easy, but the good news is that this foggy phase should only last for another day or so. All should make sense by tomorrow, and then you can act.

Romance might take a front seat in your thoughts today. You could have some unusual dreams tonight. They might be romantic or they could prove artistically inspiring, or both. Write them down, for they may reveal new facts about you that could make a difference. Your thoughts about money could sway between confidence and panic. Don't lose sight of the facts!

Very Interesting!

Coffee thought..

'Things just sound better when you say it, huh?'
Know what? I would have to say yes they do considering sometimes the delivery of the message can affect or effect the persons receptiveness.
Discipline and love delivered in the various methods follow suit- sometimes you don't got to beat something over someones head for them to get it (save for the hardheaded learners out there)...
Now a few years ago I invited sparkles to this transformative process/ workshop called Momentum Education. She politely declined joining my 'cult' (her words) and said she don't need nothing like that. Fast forward 6 years and she has joined a similar version of this process and is inviting me along (probably because the conversation this weekend I had a crisis of common sense and was wondering what I am doing to get these results. Apparently she took her course 2 weeks ago and told no one and felt the need to see of I want to discover what I am doing to block myself) some of the things she said like  I am not a really nice person that I am just being nice to get something from folks and that my niceness is a character flaw and it is not getting me anywhere in life really made me think about the perception of nice and why everyone has a problem with it. I happen to love myself (on more days than not) and think that everyone should no has to evaluate where they are in this world and also what is our contribution to this world. I think that at times when I don't get the result I am seeking (i.e romantic love or authenticity or safely securely with a trusting relationship) I tend to question my purpose.
Everyone stumbles on the road to their destiny.
I sometimes even need to rest...but damn if I am not confident in the blessing that are for me and working towards being patient (while working RIGHT)!!!
Anywho
Thank you for the reminder of 'who I am being'...
getting back to the
Courageous, Authentic, Responsible Woman that I am!

Coffee thought...

Sometimes my thoughts are wasted on that...

Thoughts.

Sometimes more action is needed

during the times I am carefully considering my

Thoughts.

Sometimes it seems an opportunity

will be zipping past me

while I think I am trying to name that object

approaching my way.

Thoughts.

Sometimes I am glad it zipped right by

cause the accidental mess it caused up ahead

just ain't for me.

Thoughts.

Thinking... Thoughts.

random thoughts...

How do you

Respond to the flirtatious advances of a younger suitor?

I mean it's all fun and games

(until someone gets hurt, right?)

Right?

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Granny

My granny just said (when she married her 2nd hubby)
"look I am not having any children for you because I have all the kids that I want to have (she had 10 at that point and was a widow) The only thing I don't have is a monkey and I don't want that"

Get the fuck outta here.
Love her

Coffee thought...

Been thinking about the meaning of life- well to be more specific the meaning of my life and how that changes as often as I want to define it. One of the things that are currently in re-definition is friendship.
I have heard said before that people come into your life for reasons, for seasons, and sometimes a lifetime. I thought some folks who I have invested in (not in the monetary way at all but in the emotional way and the being there all the time supportive way) would be here NOW- considering at this juncture we are all adults. [You know I happen to like that saying we are all adults- because as much as it is supposed to be the ultimate "we should all be responsible for our actions and accountable for ourselves and the damage we do to others" in my lifetime (and in yours I am sure) adults do some pretty fucked up things--least of them are lie, cheat, steal- (imagine the wayward husband or wife here). There is also the danger to others they (them adults)continuously put the world in (getting to the political level and the leaders of the world level) such as the effects policy changes they offer/ don't offer/ cancel/ or reduce have on the millions who depend and rely on these fools- all this to say adults do the densest and damnedest things...] But I digress
So friendship and the adult-ness of it all.
I understand once folks get a job and or find a man/ gets married and or have children things change. Relationships change. Friendships change. Stuff that used to be a priority are no longer even on the list. Most times they ain't on the list either so you know where you stand (friend) a far cry from making it to the list. So what is a woman to do who had not done those said things above? Do I wait it out! Chuck it up to hey that's life- thanks for the seasonal friendship and work on finding and maintaining lifetime ones!
Eh... to be continued.

Are you...

Are you still a daughter a daughter even tho you don't have a mother or father anymore?

Random questions asked of myself...

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coffee thought... more horoscopes

Wednesday, Oct 30, 2013

Self-image could be a difficult issue for you. Perhaps you've painted a false picture of yourself lately. In an effort to cover your insecurity, you may not have expressed how you feel to some people. When you look in a mirror, you may find that the person you see is quite different than the person other people see. This conflict may put you in some uncomfortable situations.

 

II

Narrowing your scope of vision is a very smart idea now, since it's arguably more crucial to finish your work than it is to have fun. However, saying no may be the most important thing you can do today because this simple act gives you the additional time that you so desperately need to achieve your goals. Stay as focused as possible since your full presence in the moment makes a world of difference.

 

seems like I got a lot of work to do

 

that's all...

I happen

I happen to hate these cancer commercials.
You know the ones where there is someone who is magically (or medically) cured of cancer...because here they are- a testimony to this wonderful doctor or hospital  or treatment.
I really happen to hate these commercials...  
I mean hate with an unnatural,
seething,
vehement anger
and prolonged hatred.
(I have since determined that this is borderline not OK.)
I don't want to do harm to anyone (per se)
BUT...
I mean there is something about them THAT makes me feel like because I couldn't fly to Atlanta or get the 'right' doctors to diagnose (early) and provide the 'right' treatment then I failed my mother in the cancer process. I hear (via them commercials) of those who had advanced staged __ cancer and viola they are cured because of whomever caught it.
They were saved.
Whomever was able to work it out and give then a life beyond this cancer thing.
Give them more time with the ones they love.
Give them one more laugh, kiss, cry, etc
Yippie for them.
I just hate them commercials.

current favorite advice from a TV show...

"Sometimes you can spend too long on a one sided love"
- Violet, The Dowager of Countess Grantham
Downton Abbey

#truth

Have

Have you ever been lied to?
Or are you the liar?
Have you ever been betrayed?
Or are you the betrayer?
Have you ever been hurt?
Or do you hurt??

just some random thoughts...

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Black bags

You know what I realize I don't have? I don't have a black bag
Not a black garbage bag, but a plain black leather pocketbook.
I have orange, grey, green, and an assortment of other colors but the black bag eludes me.
Why? What does that say about me? Does it really say anything as one not owning a black bag has yet to be classified as a criminal offense- but seriously why?
Has a suitable black bag eluded me?
Have I not found one that compliments me?
Have I not found one that I could carry just about everyday and still be satisfied with.
Have I looked for one ? That is the question of the day

This is a tricky topic as I figured with the other bags I choose to carry they came to me in my life when I needed and/ or wanted them.
 Like feeling sassy? Orange!
 It's not easy being green- throw on the green bag and show me how it's done.
But these bags 'appeared' when I needed them and I made it work.
Not a black bag!
Have unconsciously shunned the black bags out there in the world!
Does my personality beg for more snazzy than a black bag can give?
Is that my perception of the black bag!
Gasp!
Anywho, am I making too much of it?
You know me, I tend to over think things many things many many things...
Suffice it to say in
ON A SEARCH
For the perfect black bag
For me
Because I don't share
that's all...

Singing some LH today...

 

Let me be patient, let me be kind
Make me unselfish without bein' blind
Though I may suffer, I'll envy it not
And endure what comes,

'cause he's all that I got

And tell him

Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it'll be alright

And tell him
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Now I may have faith, to make mountains fall
But if I lack love, then I am nothin' at all
I can give away, everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect (I know I’m imperfect)

and not without sin (and not without sin)
But now that I'm older all childish things end

And tell him

Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Tell him
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

I'll never be jealous
And I won't be too proud
'Cause love is not boastful
Ooh and love is not loud

Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything is gonna, is gonna be alright
Ooh, ooh, yeah yeah, oh yeah

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on earth
But if I speak wrong, ooh, then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
To the love that was shown when our lives were spared

And tell him

Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Tell him
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

coffee thougt...horoscope for 10/16/13

some words...

inspiration from the boobies...
 

Watching

This movie one true thing...
And it is about a career NY'er who cuts back/ gives up her career to come home to take care of her cancer stricken mother played by Meryl Streep. One of the prevalent scenes is when the mother is in pain and the daughter finds the heating pad for her. It is a scene that bothers me because the mother does not want to bother the daughter and does not want to share the issues with her. Also the daughter is doing the best that she can with not knowing how to properly care for her cancer stricken mother.
I can relate.
It is still heartbreaking the 'end' is always what sticks out to me and the way things happened- the way they felt- how I was unable to fix it.
And how I felt like (feel like) a failure because of it (while realizing I am not GOD in any way shape or form).
I don't know.
Some days I still think
If things were different
If things were different
If things were different

Coffee thought...

Been on a morning music kick that has truly helped me cope with the commute.
Today's songs include a gospel medley and one of moms favorite songs 'you raise me up' which makes me think about her all the time because truly (as a wonderful mother does) she raises you up to be the best you can be and makes sure you are aware if you potential and makes sure if she don't know she tried...
I am glad I had MY MOTHER.
I got tearey eyed but no tears fell....
Is this progress or is this just the way things are nowadays?

that's all...

coffee thought...

It is 7:41 and I am more productive than I have ever been on a weekday.
I am on the train after I got up at 5:40 (thank you insomnia)
Showered,
did my hair,
outfit together,
made lunch!! (And remembered to bring it to work...)
moved the car,
took out recycling and garbage.
Damn.
I think I am done for the day...and I have not even gotten to work.

coffee thought

No woman no cry...

That was sung by the honorable Bob Marley...

Seems like the universe is trying to tell me that

I shouldn't cry for some of the things out here...

Well for the abundance of things I seem to want to cry for

 I need to do something

What is the something that a girl can do?

SIGH

"Everything is gonna be alright"

"Everything is gonna be alright"

"Everything is gonna be alright"

"Everything is gonna be alright"

IS everything gonna be alright?

 

Sent from my iPhone

funny convo...well funny to me anyway

this is why spellcheck and Siri are so important...

BFTP: dreams and things...

Dreams & things
Current mood: froggy
Category: horny Dreams and the Supernatural

So I know I am going to open myself into a whole heap of questions/ trouble/ "looks of concern" by divulging this but…

Can I just say there is something inherently wrong with me??

Now I know I put on a good look and a great face, have magnificent shoes & and have a hell of a personality (I don't make this shyt up) but really there is something in truth wrong with me, I mean that is the only conclusion I can come up with why… (We will get into that later in) NO, don't get me wrong, I mean I am not talking about "wrong with me" like "oh my goodness, there is something sticking out your side" or, "oh my goodness, I am going to die"(no I don't wish that on anyone including myself) [unless one can die from loneliness and lack of sex ( I may have to google that)] but it is more like, wow tash, for more reasons than one, 1) you are lonely and THAT is blatant, palpable, and truly real…2) for all the morals and stuff I attempt to live by, why oh why are you having sexual dreams & escapades about HIM? (this leads me back to the prior notion that there is something wrong with me…)

I mean really of ALL the folks on this WWW & on Gods green earth WHY would my subconscious consciously wrap myself up with HIM? And not once, not twice, lets just say more than a few times come to mind (no pun intended). And the fact that it is HIM is just WRONG cause well WRONG WRONG WRONG. I mean is it possible that…I mean there are sooo many amazing men I ogle, drool over, fantasize about, and yes admittedly admire like Denzel Washington, Boris Kodjoe, Morris Chestnut, Nate Parker, Dwayne Johnson, Keston Karter and a few Michaels to boot like Michael Jordan, Michael Jai White, and Michael Ealy to name a fair few.  So why does me + rolling around with HIM in bed *multiplied by a number of acrobatic & compromising positi.. shame shame shame…. Oh and another thought, what does that say about me? What does that say about my morals and values? What does this say about my sexuality? What are my dreams/visions trying to tell me that is not coming thru in the daytime? I am so confused and so not in the know. And then who does one ask about this type of thing? All these thoughts and emotions are running thru my head on a nightly basis, which wakes me up as an emotionally drained, tired and horny woman. I am in desperate need some chocolate, and more coffee, hell and some sex…

Currently listening :  I wanna sex you up    Color Me Badd Release date: 17 April, 1991

coffee thought...

8:48 am

Hmmm...

Listening to D'angelo's

"how does it feel"

with a sexy sexy dread

staring at you

is definitely

how all Monday mornings

should start.

Fluck a coffee thought.

that's all...

wink wink

coffee thought...

Preparedness
Who is ever really ready for something to happen?
Who lives in a constant state of this preparedness?
I don't know.
Somehow I think that is like
living on edge as opposed to living on the edge
and waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop.
A stressful life, no?
I think I am ready.
I think I am prepared.
I study, read my notes and then
think
 I am prepared for the lessons life has to offer.
  Then like out of no where-
something that was not in my study guide comes up
and wow I am thrown- for a loop.
On a whim just in general.
I don't know anymore
 (well really I don't know any more than I knew before)
 and that makes me think
Maybe I am not so ready as I thought I was.
Guess I need to put an emergency preparedness kit together
 and keep all important things at arms reach.

that's all...

coffee thought...horoscope for 9.27.13

Three different horoscopes from three different places makes me think my three (current) personalities need to get it together:

You're often preoccupied by other people's lives. Your devotion to others will be appreciated today, Gemini. For example, in the family circle, you may have to bandage everyone's little physical or psychological wounds. Don't neglect your energy needs. As you're aware, you need all the strength you can muster

Start something new -- or at least restart something that needs some new energy. Your initiative is key to the day's success, so pick something that fires you up and get going

Old memories may return to haunt you today, making it difficult to finalize an important decision. If you feel pushed, unwarranted fears could make a difference now, tilting you toward caution instead of action. But even if you turn down an opportunity, you still might grow restless with your current routine and wish that you said yes. Thankfully, once you acknowledge that there's no single path, it will be easier to accept the one you have chosen. Remember, the journey is the reward.

Everything

Everything.
Happens.
It is surprising (still) to see how the universe brings people together and how small the actual world is.
What brings folks together is shared experiences and life in general and sometimes I am amazed at how random it is and not random at all this all is.
So if you remember last year this time I was preparing to go to St. Thomas USVI to go witness the lovely wedding of my two friends. Well, i mentioned the experience I had flying out from Miami and how there was a service for this fallen police officer. Moving experience.
Fast forward to me training/ part of the expanded role of what I am doing (waiting for the expanded $$ but then I would be waiting forever) and we have interns- one of which I interviewed in March at our higher ed recruitment day. Here we are: 3 weeks into training and he tells me a story about this is coming up on the one year anniversary of his fathers death [no, I don't know how we got on that and no I don't know what it is about that moment that made him share] but he mentioned that his fathers body had to be flown back from Florida to St. Thomas for the funeral. I was like literally getting chills because what a stranger coincidence, right?

 I dig back on my blog and I happened to name the fallen officer-

and sitting right in front of me is his namesake son.

Talk about wow.
Talk about WOW.
So is it a coincidence that I saw that last year and prayed for them all in the way I pray for all those who loose someone (cause I know about that specific loss of a father and a mother first hand)
Is it a coincidence that he applied to NYU and was interviewed and hired by me and now I am training him?

Eh, life has not many coincidences

and is full of happenstance.

This is just one.

Sent from my iPhone

Fun in the park

Carefree and little...

Those were the days...

Sometimes you just gotta have fun. 

Relationships

Relationships 

They are many things. 

Some are about a mutual sharing of information and life goals etc.etc...

Really a basic relationship or friendship involves some level of like, love, maybe attraction (and so many other things...) but think about it- 

if you have not picked up a phone and I have not heard your voice (hello can you hear me now type of way) then what purpose do you have in my life or better yet what purpose do I have in yours?

that's all...

So

So
In the attempt to do something nice
I fell on the steps of the building I live in. Fell hard on my tailbone. There ain't no cushion back there to land on. What the hell.
Really world? I am too damn old for this.



Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Fall has fallen in to the weather forecast for real today. This would be a perfect day for a hot chocolate and a croissant and some tall boots and a scarf around your neck.
I have the scarf.
The rest of that stuff will have to come to fruition when I have my next paycheck ;)
But a good sweater and a cool jacket and a cup of java will get you in the mood. Have a glorious day!
that's all...

coffee thought...

 

my coffee is close to my heart
..at least I have a heart..

that's all...

 

 

Not invited...

Not invited
So the

So the wonderful lil boy peanuts birthday was 9/11. Which marked many emotions and feelings regarding that day in general but I digress.
Now you know we love a party. We party party party (ala cliff huxtable voice) yet there was no party. Correction there was no party I was invited to. So as most parents do (and as most children's parties are supposed to be) this was a geared for kids. Now- apparently because the venue was not her place and the planning was done by the baby daddy it seems that folks with kids for invited. Makes sense- as it is a kids party and the thought of spending a Saturday with screaming 3 yr olds is not all the way appealing. But considering the way this was handled- because I am childless I am not invited to support and witness and celebrate this child. Cool. Cause apparently the love support and stuff I have done don't get me thru the door. How it was handled pisses me off- cause after asking and lookin and making time for this thing begging for an address of said shindig and then the change of date via text message so really you are not all that concerned. It was like wow ok. I see this. I see the value
I am in your life. I recognize this. I will act accordingly. Trust and believe anything I do I do of choice and the choice can be not to go the extra way. It's easy. It has been done. And truthfully why am I putting myself out of the way? Cause of love. Well love don't have to love here anymore.
The second non invite came from the brother.
Weekend events included a luau and a parade- independent of each other but somehow involving me.
So the brother has a friend from high school that is Hawaiian. We went to her wedding many years back. Excellent time.
Anywho, they have a fall BBQ and typically am invited to. Admittedly I don't go cause usually I have to work or have other plans. Well this year- bro #1 decided not to invite me and look what happens- I end up there.

Life has a funny way of closing one door and opening up others that bring about whole different perspectives. And a little hula dancing to boot!

Coffee thought...

Tonight I ventured out to:
Brooklyn (believe the hype)
I mean it is not that abnormal considering I frequent BK more often than not and annually they celebrate the West Indian day parade every Labor Day (coming this weekend-- going to be chipping down the parkway & dodging bullets at the same time). But this was not for that. This was a social calling with Beks. It had been quite some time since I have seen her (spring time maybe??) and we were long overdue.
That shan't happen again.
Random meeting and viola we were enjoying wine at happy hour which turned into happy 3 hours later LOL. Anywho catching up and figuring out how life is going (her recently graduating and is a real live social worker - not that she hasn't been doing this work for years) and me doing the thing I have been doing for the past decade. DECADE. (do I still find joy...see me when I get a raise and an office AGAIN)
Trips, men's, dates, stuff.
Something she said struck me (as we were chatting about our her pit stop and my permanent residence in single hood)

"people CHOOSE the life they think they deserve. they do not choose the life they want"

Say word. What?
Huh? Come again?
And then when you evaluate the choices folks are making (the jobs some have/some keep in fear of this being the best out there)
Some folks people are with/ stay with/ marry and procreate with out of fear this is the best it gets.
Then there are the choice(s) people make to stay alone, or single because they think they are unloveable and deserve to be alone. Or sometimes people are afraid to want for and go for more and require more in their lives.
Then there are those that just are alone for whatever reason and they think they need to change because being alone is kinda the worst thing in the world
The choices. The consequences. The wash and repeat.
The knowledge of self worth is something more valuable than I could even imagine and something that unfortunately can't (only) be taught. I know my mother and father instilled many things in me. Love and self worth being among them. But something(s) I needed to determine for myself is
At what cost...
At what cost do I decide that I am not settling for this.
At what cost does it take for me to decide to stay alone.
At what cost do I decide that I deserve more
At what cost do I choose different?
Damn--
It's true.
So how about you choose what you want rather than the one you think you deserve.
(if you are lucky what you want will be what you deserve...Idris I am looking at you)
I know I deserve...
So this is what I choose.
...lessons learned at a wine bar in BK
that's all...

coffee thought...

i have a dream...

coffee thought...

Chilling at lunch.

 Currently somewhere in the ocean.

On my way back from a glorious time in Bermuda

and visiting my family.

The trip was muy short but very inclusive-

went to horseshoe beach.

Visited my granny.

 Saw aunts,

 cousins,

uncle,

 more cousins

and went to st. George's and took some pictures.

 I was having such a good time with the family

that we almost missed the boat

(sparkles and I)

  Luckily by God's grace we were the last 2 on and the boat didn't leave us.

Hey- everyone needs an adventure and part of me must have really really wanted to stay.

foot in the pink sand

I always wanted a pic in the telly booth

me & the gombeydancer

<3 p=""> 

Love love love my family ;)

122/74

blood pressure 122/74
I guess that is normal
 Weight XXX

Temp 99

I went to the doctor because of the pain in my left foot which is apparently plantar factious.

They also  apparently want me to stay off my feet for several days and elevate it.

This means no walking, running, hopping, dancing, cavorting, etc.

Unfortunately this is not possible since I am currently working like a crazy person as well as preparing to go on a cruise vacation that I have been looking forward to forever.

And I am supposed to take Advil to reduce the swelling for 10 days.

 

ALL OF THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I EXCERCISE!!!!

AND TRUST ME WHEN I SAY EXCERCISE I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT

INSANITY OR SOMETHING REMOTELY SIMILAR...

 

Apparently my body shuts this shit down in the worst way.

 I can't understand why.

I don't know how.

 But here I am having to drive into work these next couple of days and pay for parking

(like you have the extra $45 to spare + gas $$)

 because I can't do the walk to the bus to the train to the office for the next couple of days.

Maybe I will park tomorrow and try the drive Thursday / Friday depending on the severity of the pain

which like a vicious cycle would put me in more danger of damaging my tendons.

And then not being healed.

I left the doctors office overwhelmingly sad because I am not sure

exactly what I did in this world to 'deserve' this

and the tears of course were coming down my eyes.

I am just tired.

 And stressed.

 And tired.

And limping on the train.

 

Oh- the bright side?

My blood pressure is normal.

Without taking my pill today.

Even tho this right here is stressing me out

 

Oh the bright side #2

A dude just gave me his # in the train.

While I am sitting here looking all evil

and know I have on my

do not fluck with me face.

 He winked at me and told me to call him.

Okkk

 

coffee thought...

Thursday thoughts as I hope there is coffee at the office:
#1: during these busy months they bring in continental breakfast for us. Nice. However most of it is tainted with nut like substances and only 1 pot of coffee. Typically the edible things are picked over by the time I grace them with my presence.

#2- I stayed at work yesterday until 7:30 pm cleaning my desk and organizing evaluations. I have no life.

#3- what does a single gal do for dinner when she spent $160.00 on groceries but didn't cook over the weekend? Strawberry ice cream. With grape nuts cereal sprinkled on top.

#4- counting down the days until my trip {vacation cruise} (7 working days or 9 days in total). I need a vacation.

#5- I need a vacation from these wedding vacations I have been on. Of course that is a wedding involved. No one else better get married until I get a few dates.

#6- it is 8:53 am and I am only in 86th street. Somehow I feel I will miss the free coffee

That's all...


Sent from my iPhone

Coffee thought...

8/7 8:35pm

I saw a post today that someone said you hate on success like we don't have the same 24 hours.
It was from a celebrity.
I found this saying/ posting really hilarious because while yes, there are 24 hours in a day the responsibilities you have versus the responsibilities I have totally differ and this shapes the way we each get to use these same 24 hours. That is like telling someone who has never walked but has 2 legs to get up and run a marathon because we all have the same 2 legs. Or to have me break out into an operatic sonatina because we all have the same voice- really?? Because I have been to karaoke and we do not all have the same voice. I understand the sentiment of hey- use your day wisely to achieve you dreams and goals and success for you (whatever that may be) but for you (celebrity) to say 'you hate on success like we don't have the same 24 hours' is a slap in the face for those who do not have the luxury of chefs, personal assistants, drivers, and paid time to lay by a pool.
No judgment tho- cause choice is key in ones decision-making skills and me choosing not to support those wonderful endeavors of yours is just me choosing a better use of my 24 hour day.
Peace.