Today is a rainy dreary

Today is a rainy dreary Wednesday
Good for staying home and trying to relax and write some words.
Alas I don't have that lifestyle and have to head off to work.
Again I am thankful that I have a job am employed and able to make a difference (?) but some days it is something else.
Today is something else
Something akin to my mothers birthday.
Had she prevailed against the vicious cancer beast she would have been 61 years old. I had cake in her honor, and not that I ever need a reason to have cake but clearly I needed some chocolate in my life I - so i had a cupcake. I vented with one of my good friends (DNS) about workplace issues and the stress of management- mind you we are management and therefore are stressing ourselves as much as being stressed by the upper echelon & employees alike...but the cake and the comaridrie helped.

Ummm... it is weird but I like how people say 'late' as in 'my mother is late'. [Do people say that? Am I the only one? I know I have heard it before and spoke it before but maybe I am making it up...oh well] Defined as a way of speaking about ones life (i.e she is no longer living) this does not diminish the very life that she has had-- and she is still my mother so technically physically her presence is late but her essence is very much ontime all the time...(more times that I continue to need and then them times I pretend not to need)

What did I want to say?

That I still miss my mother more than before as I am navigating the everyday perils of the world?

That I am forever grateful of the great life lessons she taught me and that I can readily recall?

That I remember the love that she continually showed us/ me in this world even when faced with her outcome?

I dont know what to say or what I wanted to say on this other than the rain makes me think alot about things that I cant change and things of the past that are what they are and trying to recall it all.

Happy Birthday Mom, I miss ya still.

coffee thought...

Gemini Horoscope for August 23, 2010

When you decide to take time off, it's pretty different than when the rest of us do so. Your people aren't used to going very long without contact from you, so your absence could be fairly alarming. You're in the mood to disappear for a while, though, and you don't really want to talk about it. Leave a message or shoot an email to ease their minds.

yeah i am going to be out sooner than you think!

coffee thought...

today google reminded us:

Celebrating 90 years since the ratification of the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing women the right to vote

and with the upcoming mid-term senate elections abound us I would like to remind all that we have this right and we need to use it- otherwise we are more foolish than those who were trying to deny us (and still try in more shapes than one).

that's all...

coffee thought...

Ok so I know why I am going to hell
This lil' young kid on the subway this morning is so not listening to his moms- the mother is trying to get him to sit down on the subway. Well when the train came to a halt this lil rolley polley dude took a major fall on the ground. I smirked then basically laughed at Lil man. Moms did too (kid not hurt/ ego bruised) and she was like next time you gonna sit your behind down.
My kinda parenting.

that's all...

so this is where i get evil

you know how i just love to help people out? you know kind of like this is what i do on a regular basis and this is who I am (helping sort of person). Well, do you know what I hate? I hate when my helping people turns into being taken advantage of. Let me go on and just say I know that no one can be taken advantage of without some participation in the act. (Let's just go on record to exclude the whole rape, molestation and other horrific crimes against people. OK, I get it & don't blame the attacked) So participation in being taken for a ride is partially my fault as well. I said it, but just cause I am a generally nice person I do for others, and then don't get done back. Am I looking for something back EVERYTIME I do for someone else? Are you freaking kidding me, not at all HOWEVER let me just tell you something when the well runs dry and the bank is closed I hope 'they' have some other person on tap for their constant emergency situations.
Gratitude is the attitude.
be grateful I am there for ya otherwise when ya look up ya may be out there on a limb without no net and hoping your ass can fly.
And yes I will most likely be egging ya ass on to jump at that point.
DONE

this is scary

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Web-Photos-That-Reveal-nytimes-2375510549.html?x=0&.v=1



and then so is this.....
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100813/ap_on_re/us_rel_ramadan_sept11


......

manicure

@ work again since computer is auto updating ... sigh

coffee thought...

Think cold coffee... Iced mocha latte love it!
that's all...

Dress

one of the dresses from my "shopping spree"

in an attempt to look like

i am actually employed & am someone's manager

...green is my fave color in case you didn't know!

friday night folies...

It has been an incredibly stressful week that passed...doing evaluations for my staff and trying to give constructive and necessary criticisms of the work done so that the office can function at an optimal level. It is stressful to be managerial, compassionate, authoritative, informative, and someone who cares all at the same time. Everyday.Utterly trying...

Well, I was doing this and trying to have a different outlook on the way I look and on my outlook of life cause sometimes you need to change your view to see something different. I made it thru the week, most of the days I was wearing some dress that I picked up (ohh remind me to tell you of my mini $480 dress shopping spree that netted me 3 work dresses + 1 black fitted 'let's-go-out-and-get-em-dress') yeah THAT blog will have to go under the category of why you are gonna live in the ghetto all your life and be in debt too...oh, I digressed.

at any rate, Friday is the dress down day as you know, so that is my jeans & sneakers day. I had to travel to the other office to speak to one of the staff who needs a bit more speaking to (whatever something else for another blog) and end of the day came.

DNS- what you doing after work
me- getting a tattoo.
DNS- what??where when
me-after work in NYC, today.

(more convo)

DNS- someone wants to meet you
me- who?
DNS- someone who say your picture
me- (getting leery as I have heard this before +she happened to know the previous person I 'entertained'<--wasn't that entertainment folks??+ she married so I assume she wants to see everyone in love) ummm WHO & WHY?

...................

SO here is where I end up on a blind double date on a random Friday night.

dude [we'll call him Sleepy] comes to meet us (with her hubby).

He is not ugly (but immediately to me he is not attractive). He is regular. Just a regular dude who is wearing plaid shorts, sneakers, a WHITE TEE (can we say BK stand up) and a chain. I am not one to judge (ok I am lying, I judge, I judge...sue me) but I am not one to hold on to them judgements for long until you prove me right/wrong. Well we all ended up going to Charlie Mom's Chinese place (where you get linen napkins and such) and I was trying to make conversation.

Strike 1 dude- cause if you interested in me or wanted to meet me then one would think you would try to converse with me. At any time. Or even engage in conversation that is going on around you. Or talk about the weather. The food. The people. Nothing...

So I try with, so what do you do? DNS mentions he just had a birthday so I found out he is 34 which is good and bad. Good cause he looked like he was about 20 barely and this whole interaction was bordering inappropriate but Bad cause at 34 this is how you show up?

I will skip the mundane details (cause really there is nothing else to write other than Strike 2 involved him telling me I am well mannered cause I put my napkin on my lap & chew with my mouth closed & Strike 3 he earned by just being dead quiet. Which is why I call him sleepy cause after the food he was even more 'sleepy/quiet/high' actin' than before. Was he shy, I dunno, but I am not one to be the aggressor but in this scene it looked like i was the aggressor --and I am so not aggressive so imagine how that looks--and THAT is so not cool.)

I want to be pursued DAMMIT! especially if from the outset you are coming to meet me cause you saw a pic of me and wanted to get to know me. I mean really
Is it too much to ask that the man MAN UP?

Well he was like, "why don't you take my number to call me"
So I did, and immediately called him so he received my # and I responded, Ok so you call me when you wanna talk.

We all walked to the train, them headed to BK, me to the BX, I gave everyone the deuces and hopped on my faithful #2 train for the ride home.
Some more thoughts:
are you kidding me?
this is what is out there?
this is what happens when folk fix me up.
This is who they want for me (let alone what I want for myself).
this is what it has come to.

I mean, dont get me wrong, I enjoyed dinner and am really happy that someone was interested in me enough to want to attempt to meet me and it didnt end up the way that person wanted. I understand that, and am grateful.

I just want mine.

Aug 4 8:43 am Oh yeah here is another....

Aug 4 8:43 am Oh yeah here is another....

ABW= Angry Black Woman
What you ain't know?

Apparently women in my age range who don't have a man are the #1culprits of this particular syndrome. We (women) apparently do not know how to get a man or treat a man due to the negative examples we have received from our parents and grandparents and the African-American community. According to this film I watched called "angry black man"- (aptly) subtitled "it's our turn to exhale", the director 'attempts' to show us how women don't know how to act when given the opportunity of a 'good man' and we tend to listen to our evil, sinister and apparently jealous girlfriends. He attempts to coin the term Angry Black Woman- that women are inherently angry and thus treat men this way on a regular basis and every move a man does is scrutinized and not enough. The director goes on to say how we (women) always want drama in a relationship-even if a man is doing 125%of what he could be doing right-things like taking care of his kids, putting food on the table and caring for his wife is determinedly not enough. The superficial example he shows in this movie is this chick- chick who is a trophy wife and this African dude who does what looks like everything right but she goes out of pocket at every angle. She picks a fight in front of their kids for no reason. She does not appreciate him cooking a meal for her. She argues in the middle of the night with him because he leaves his drawers on the floor. She is made out to be the evil controlling wench and he the doting loving husband just treated horribly. The director states we (women) would not know how to treat a good man using the argument that if a woman is raised by man-hating woman (single parent households always berating men and saying they ain't worth crap) then that woman wont know how to treat a man when she gets one. He then goes on to attempt to use that same argument (which gets lost in the commentary)- if a man only saw his daddy beating his momma then he is automatically going to become an abuser) I think that is entirely negative and false. There is a certain amount of choice, nature vs. nurture, good vs. bad examples and simple right and wrong that comes into every situation.

This movie/ documentary is utterly hilarious with the bad elementary acting and then the "real people" moments that are parsed in between them. The reason I am vehemently upset at this film is because it paints everyone with such wide stereotypes that it is ridiculous. That is like saying all black people like collard greens and fried chicken. Or worse. It is saying that because some women don't have a proper male role model in the home (be it because their father was pushed out or by choice or what if the man is deceased?) that these same women will NEVER know how to treat a man because they never were able to witness a loving relationship between the first man & woman in her life. Wouldn't this then hold true to the argument that then boys I mean men would not know how to treat a woman being raised by a woman? Does it means that by just being present (sitting on a couch all damn day maybe?) is better for all man-kind than being without that person in their life? Does it mean that even if the daddy beats on the momma it is best to have him there so the daughter and son can have a fighting chance [see how that worked out??]

food for thought....

motive

i am trying to figure out what's your motive in this world?
in this space?
hell in this conversation?
what are you trying to get at?
what do you want to know?
do you even have a motive, a thought a wonder or a clue?

that's all...

coffee thought...

Gemini Horoscope for Augus

Gemini Horoscope for August 02, 2010

Take time for yourself by putting your life on hold. Walk around the park, stare at the sky and otherwise refresh your senses with the parts of life that really matter. Sunshine and open space are vital for you now. The peace can help you ponder everything that's going on in your life. Once you feel centered, you're better able to take on the challenges that come later.

does it count if you walk around the office, stare at the walls of the cubicle and am lit by florescent lights? hmmm i wonder...

that's all..

I been slacking

I been slacking

I have been slacking lately about the blogging or rather the posting to the blog. I write a few lines about life and the goings on that are going on and I send to the blog to post. Problem is that since I am uber concerned about 'getting it right/ or appearing to have it right' that the posts go right to my drafts folder where I need to approve them to post. Yeah this delays the life- living cause I am consistently second guessing the Words that I write about my life (like someone is gonna spell check the way I am living- which isn't by any means loca but you know) so I have a myriad of "drafts" yet no completed or final projects (thoughts) -WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME? Intriguing...