holiday in NY

It's snowing!!!

Anyone want to clean off my car??

coffee thought...

this is my cup of coffee as i am about to enjoy...

no other thoughts needed

that's all...

msc housekeeping items

#1-continuation from previous post (waiting for the water to drain) so plumber dude came, saw, plummed & knocked out a piece of wall & replaced another piece of pipe and snaked his way to the other apartment and FINALLY we had a clear drain. it has been 1 week since said incident and so far so good. ~(on another note did purchase 3 boot boxes just in case)
#2-also last Friday had the office Christmas party & the fact that I (with help of course) did amazingly creative,witty and fun things to make it a success and some people insist on being 'Debbie downer' really ruined my mood. basically shitted on all the efforts. whatever thats the end of that
#3-Saturday as u can see from previous post was an extravaganza of window shopping, bear shopping & movie watching (so much for cleaning my house).
#4- this is the final 4 days of work in 2009. just got to make it work
#5-Dion is home from ATL for the break & that lifts grandmas spirit. we have the annual bowling beat down on 12/28/08..last time mom was there
(apparently this turned into a to-do list or an is doing list or an on-going list...)
#6- bekas b-day was 12/16 and she turned the big 30 (yay!) this Saturday is supposed to be a smashing shindig only beks can do (w/ jai & mo of course) ~ I am excited & scared all at the same time (all the insecurities are surfacing again) whatever we keep it moving
#7- my dinner party on 12/27. on the positive side i have a menu. on the negative side i don't have a spic&span clean house nor funds to purchase said food items. this will be creative
#8-this holiday time is especially hard and i am confused as to if i am numb to my emotions or have really steeled myself & am now devoid of true emotion? like i think i am truly faking it to myself
#9- my godson turns 21 Saturday. from 9 days old to a grown person...wow. yesterday it snowed.

and finally

#10-the year is ending. still don't know how to feel.

yeah I'll try to get it together soon.....

Happiness is build-a-bear

if you have never had the experience to actually build-a-bear... it is a definite "must do" as the place itself is the epitome of happiness for some folks (as experienced by one of my pals TRS)

(can you see the smile??? Oh and check out the dude behind her...he'll make me smile!)

<--this bear is too sexy for his own good

more updates to come....

as I wait for the water to drain

i am sitting on my floor in my apartment WAITING for the plumber as another flood has happened in my kitchen.
oh didn't i mention?
couple of months ago, came home to the lovely sounds of water overflowing from my sink overflowed into my closet (which is located in the kitchen). yeah several buckets of water later & 3 ruined pairs of boots later (you know i am regretting NOT getting them boot boxes from The Container Store -- next time I will listen to my inner Diva) the plumber came and changed some pipe & viola ok-ness for about 2 months.
WELL fast forward.. and lo and behold it is happening again.
WHY??? WTF?
I am NOT throwing food down the drain in my house or large chunks of anything- Hell the last meal I cooked was Thanksgiving dinner... yeah the woman upstairs has a washing machine (illegal) and no strainer on her sink (meaning every article of food coming from her sink goes down there and clogs up the freakin thing which backs up my sink.)
Yes this is what it is like living in an old apartment building in NYC.
more details soon as I now have to let plumber dude in...

Thanksgiving 08 (pt II)

Today is a day I give thanks

for what I have
And for what I don’t
and for what will come…
and for what will not.
Life brings us soo many changes
And it comes at us soo fast
sometimes some days
I forget
To stop
To breathe
To see this world
To appreciate

&
Yes some days I forget to give thanks
So now with this humongous reminder
I AM GIVING THANKS
And remembering
(and yes, still missing…)
Apparently we survived
We made it thru the day.
We didn’t fall off the axis
My mind is still revolving;

The earth kept spinning,

&
Tomorrow is another opportunity
To be present.
Thank you

Thanksgiving 08 (pt I)

#1-- have i ever told you that I LOVE when google changes its logo to fit the particular holiday! case in point see photo below regarding thanksgiving 08. I love it, it brightens my search.

#2-- So every year my brother Mike says he is going to make homemade cranberry sauce (back story-every year his duty was to pop open the can of cranberry sauce & put it on a plate) this year he decides to get all 'ace-of-cranberries' & actually make it from scratch. let me tell you something, even tho the other brother is the 'chef' this berry-ness was the bomb! (shh, don't tell him!)

#3-- this is a pic of my straight from the can cranberry sauce that initially was a backup to the 'chef jeff'' project above...truthfully i love the little can ridges on the sides!

#4-- this is a pic of Mel's perfectly portioned plate: my cornbread stuffing, Mike's berry sauce & tyrone the turkey. (long story...)

hope everyone had a blessed day...

p.s-- please pray for the people of Mumbai...

Random Thought @ 3:11 am

when you can't sleep what do you think about??
what keeps you up at night?
right now I am up thinking about when was the last time I slept with someone & did i ever think i would be here at this place at 32 & ALONE?? Ok i'll write 'single' cause that sounds slightly less depressing than 'alone' but it gets you to the same point ... i am asking did you ever think about your current circumstance @ 3:11 am??
i am
(and it is keeping me up at night)

coffee thought...

what's funny is I have been procrastinating in writing this very blog.
Not for the trepidation of the topic of coffee, but for it is categorized as my 100th blog.

Thank you, thank you.

One hundred random thoughts later we arrive at this place of java-nirvana... where caffeine meets consciousness & literally a whole new world awakens. It is not surprising that this is the 100th blog, fore it is a topic I am well versed in and represents a major part of my life...
the search for a good strong cup of Joe that can carry me thru the day and pick me up at nights. This right here is very elusive (see previous 99 thoughts) and apparently I have been on this search for longer than I care to remember but for those of you asking, here is what I need:

my Joe must have
a delicate mixture of strength & sweetness
quintessentially essential to my enjoyment.
you can’t have one without the other,
and it is very much appreciated in balance.

Let us not forget the deep richness of his texture that is damn near sinful
provoking the stimulation of my senses that comes when his aroma wafts thru you.
Just being near java awakens my thoughts,
my emotions, and my senses that until now seemingly lie dormant;
catapulting images of cinnamon & cream mixed into you.

Oh God, I am in search of that good to the last drop,
please serve it to me hot
cup of Joe that will warm my insides
and singe my fingers to the touch.
Sometimes too hot to handle
(thou I will definitely try)
when I get my java it will be no lie
satisfaction apparent.
Contentment ensues.

Until then, YES,
I am in the midst of coffee blues…
I promise to appreciate Joe like no one else will do
I pledge my taste buds to you alone
Please oh please send me

that fine cup of Joe…

WE Are the USA...

NOW it is time

HOPE

CHANGE

The reality is...

History is NOW

This is the face of AMERICA today...

PRESIDENT ELECT Barack Obama

11-4-08

November 4, 2008
Today is one of many historic days in this world.
Today is one of the many days in MY lifetime I can make a difference.
Today I voted for President of the United States of America.
Historically, if you looked at my voting record, you will see my tendencies and voting history; you will see the decisions I make and the morals I choose to align myself to.
You will see that it is all about choice...
And that is MY LIFE, right?
ALL about choice & freewill given to us to ultimately have the option to even make a choice.
WOW our right to choose- that is DEEP in many of aspects...
it is all about choice
Well, guess what I found out? One of the brothers is a republican!! (is that like a bad word here??)
Yes he is a registered repub and his contention is that while he is on the more liberal side of republicancy he still agrees with most of their overall values.
I Definitely respect that, and the CHOICE he has-
cause lets face it we all have a choice-
and the fact we are all soo learned and diverse enough to make an educated decision and decide...

AND HE STILL CHOOSES OBAMA!!!

(so I guess not as "crazy" as one thinks...)
please make a difference...
go out and vote & revel in YOUR rights that many a person has fought for
*and still are fighting for*

Oh the way on the MTA...

This bus ride is ridiculous.

The amount of time it takes for the 21 bus to make it down the hill & around the bend is like slowly watching paint dry. Slowly.
It would be more health conscious & probably more conducive to walk and all that- however the thought that 4 wheels beat 2 heels is applied and here I am waiting and hoping that this bus takes me to where I got to go.

And on time. IS that too much to ask for for my $2.00 per ride 2x a day??

next thought the # 5 train.

This hunk of metal is very efficient in turning someone from a well-mannered normal human being into a one-person lunatic asylum in a matter of 2-3 stops.
Depending on the day you get “my dude” who is his own show- that is like in “do –not- slow -the –flow" show. Ladies & gentlemen the season for giving is year round- and you are Santa clause. Please be aware- do not keep your wallets in your back pocket & have a safe wonderful & glorious day.

Hilarious. He makes my day go by in a very special way.

I am sooo done with the commute!

why do i try?

trick or treat??
more like the joke is on me ALL THE DAMN TIME. today got word on the management position that i applied for a month ago. guess who is just not good enough again? guess who got the job? my good friend DNS (who i happen to send in the resume for and cover letter/ same one who got promoted over me for sr.csr of something else)
YES i am happy and estatic for her, i just feel slighted every damn time.
WHEN THE FUCK AM I GONNA CATCH A BREAK?
i mean i work hard, do right, live justly and play fair and what am i doing wrong in that equation?
someone send me a clue...no actually don't send me a clue and just give me the answer cause surely i cant figure it out.

things to do @ work...

things to do @ work...

clean my desk?-->

or paint my nails...

as you can see the nails won out...

Columbus' Discovery

well kinda sorta...

so last week i took Columbus holiday off work NOT to celebrate his infamous "discovery"of a new land..but more so to try & "discover" some new money in Atlantic City, NJ.

We (grandma, Big Mike & I) took a bus trip from in front of my old stomping grounds/ grammar school of St. Augustine School (it used to be called St. Augustine School of the Arts or SASA but there is a looong story that I will have to get to sometime..)
this is the ONLY place grandma will venture to... via bus with the other old ladies. This is her variation of a 'spa day'

at any rate, leaving my house early in the morning and traveling the 2 blocks to this school was like a surreal blast from the past...having not made that particular trip at that particular time in the AM in quite a # of years it was a blast from the past...As i turned the corner to SASA i felt i was 12 again and running late (*I was)
but yeah hopped on the bus, took a seat and promptly fell asleep.
2 hrs later, viola AC here I am & I am ready to go!
suffice it to say i didn't hit it big... the most i got was $100.00 but hey it was a fun day!

illegal pics of us gambing at the machines

poem of the day...

moon- 11:13--11:19

awakened while sleeping or am i dreaming?
i have been having these visions of things
that wake me up in the night...
nothing bad,
but usually about 3:20 am my mind says 'time'
and thru my closed lids, the moon speaks a soft hello.
now normally this would not bother me
except that time Denzel was about to marry me.
or there was that other time when he told me he loved me
& wanted to stop the wedding
oh & then there was that time
i was driving my own jeep truck
& then there was the time
that i was watching Nocturnal _ _ _ _
woah, whew
thank god for the moon
i guess i'll close my eyes again,
dont worry i'll be awake soon.

chicken grease

coffee thought...

i am sick today which means there are no thoughts of coffee or anything else.
well, that's not entirely true- there are thoughts of vicks vapor rub & a certain someone (we'll leave that up to your incredible imaginations)
that's all

coffee thought...

is my coffee 1/2 full or 1/2 empty??

either way... i know a second cup is in order STAT!

that's all...

You know what I miss?

I miss the comfort of her knowledge and the prescence of her being here.
I miss the watering of the plants in my apartment & turkey bacon on our way out in the mornings.
I miss things I never knew that only she could teach.
i will always miss my mommy

coffee thought...

it's been awhile...but today's small cup of java
(yes i said small) is just OK...
plain and boring and barely adequate...

kind of like palin in the debate last night, only this is easier to swallow.

that's all...

when i dream

When I dream I dream in color..
I want a love, not just a lover…
For some reason this song is in my head at this particular moment in time (sung by Regina Belle) and I feel it.

(here are the lyrics to the song in case you haven't heard it)
Tired of living life in black and white
There’s so much in between
Like a rainbow in the sky
Crying to be seen
When I open my eyes to find inspiration
I search for the best I can see
If I settle for less
I won’t be the best I can be
When I dream, I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream…
Life is short, and can’t be bought,
Time is a very precious thing
I want to go to where I’ve never been
See what’s never been seen
In the midst of the morning
I won’t take for granted
There’ll always be another new day
Got to live for each moment
Never let time slip away
When I dream, I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream…
If I was unaware, if I didn’t care
About people and places and things
How could I live a life full and satisfied
Not knowing how to dream
When I dream,I dream in color
I want a love, not just a lover
Show me a child who never has seen
A vision that shows what his life really means
I’ll give you so many good reasons
To capture a dream
A dream

O, I am feeling the fact that I sure am tired of living life in black and white.
I am tired of the shades of grey that I see daily and tread thru and still call it living.

I feel like I am crying to be seen…

I am tired of just existing and not feeling like I am living, where I can look back on my life and say, “see there, you did it <--whatever IT is. You did SOMETHING that made a difference that counts, that…”

Yeah I am tired of just being..

I don’t know, maybe it is just that time of the time of the month where I doubt, wonder and worry about every choice I have ever made and decide whether it was all even worth it.
Maybe because this past Friday I interviewed for this manager’s position here at my current place of employment and I wonder if I am good enough.
Now, if I wonder if I am good enough, how am I convincing someone that I am capable and qualified for the job and to hire me?
Am I am fulfilling my own self fulfilling prophecy- that I am not good enough so I am afraid to try because I think people can sense me not feeling good enough and then beating myself up for something I am doing to myself and the vicious cycle then repeats itself?
Am I that person?
Most days I am not, or I would like to think I am not.
Most days I am that person who rationalizes everything and still makes it work within the everyday living, and still manages to have fun doing all of it.
Most days I enjoy.
I used to enjoy.

I‘ll give you so many good reasons to capture a dream

I have so many dreams
I have so many dreams
I have so many dreams in so many colors…
I have so many dreams in so many colors that my brain is overflowing with thoughts

thoughts on how to make my dreams come true.

Presidential address on the state of the Economy...

I don’t take kindly to threats

And the president starts his spiel:

“If we don’t do this (Economic rescue package)” and use SO much of the taxpayers $$ for this economy we could end up in a long and painful recession.
The president went on to say "Not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later & there would be a long and painful recession"(as if we are not CURRENTLY in a recession) & once Congress passes this bill that would use $700 BILLION of the taxpayers dollars this would "Remove risk on troubled assets" (like the mortgage crisis & banks issuing credit to folks whom credit score would not equal a perfect bowling score) & this would allow the banks to "Resume the flow of credit" <--newsflash this is partially what GOT them into trouble Oh, he now said this plan would “Protect taxpayers” and & "to try not give Failed execs a windfall…”
Hmmm, "700 billon taxpayers’ dollars would help our economy grow”

How?

The government can buy these assets & "hold them"(calling the failed mortgages & botched lending practices an asset is like putting lipstick on a pig) because our government has the foresight and patience to wait it out. <-IT being this correction in the US market. Figuring most Americans want to pay their debt & once it is paid off funds will be funneled back to the treasury and this would “Safeguard the financial security”

Hmmm…

The FDIC has been in existence for 75 yrs (according to the Prez) and our banking institutions are stable...meanwhile the great Lehman Brothers one of the largetst financial services investment bank crashed after 100 + yrs (158 to be exact) due to all of this mishandlings of $$...Following the downfall of bear sterns and government bailout of AIG I cant take it...

Yeah, I can see where this is going, as if my job being in service to others while paying off $700 a month student loan debt that paid for undergraduate & graduate degrees while living in one of the most expensive cities in the world while not living a lavish lifestyle (but not living like a pauper cause quite frankly I am not sure how a pauper lives) while paying my taxes on April 15 of each entire year & gas prices up the whoha AND you want to tax me more to bail out the multimillion dollar wall street industry that still holds a glass ceiling and foot over women and African American women in this society??? RIGHT
Yeah, I am not buying into it, and am thinking about which country I am going to defect to.
Counting the days till November 4…

Must Take Another route

So as i sit on the #6 train going uptown to the BX it is at this time that my evening commute is not so politely interrupted...

and it is precisely at this time it is decided that I should not ride the subway ever again.

WHY you ask?

Oh you are dying to know...

well, always in NYC you will find various forms of entertainment wherever you go even if you are not looking but on this particular train on this particular night

there is a midget or short person or vertically challenged person shucking and jiving for the allmighty dolla.

he is about knee high to a grasshopper and rolling on the NASTY subway floor

(to his credit he does not have far to go)

while is partner hold his hoodie and sewaty Yankee hat.

i sooo need to find another route home...

karma will get you back

or does karma have your back?
that thought i am mulling over in my head currently as i sit in front of Tavern on the Green.
yeah i am sitting in front of totg waiting for my good friend michelle as we are about to head into some food thingy...anywho today i am a bit confused (who isn't??)
but I am confused about choices in life and specifically if these choices are helping or hindering the progress of the person at hand.
case in point as i sit here this well to do lady is waiting for the M10 bus. she is well to do cause of her big orange marc jacobs bag, blatant jewelery and overall air of entitlement as she sits on a freakin park bench.
she is late for whatever and this bus is late too.
a woman in wheelchair come up to board the bus.
Two men are standing here, late as well (according to their convo) but are patiently waiting for mass transit.
well bus comes up and instead of letting said wheelchair lady on the trio hops on the bus (woman stopping to give bus driver piece of her well to do mind)
Now i blame this partially on the bus driver as he should have said something or motioned to the other passengers to hold up wait a minute
well the ramp comes down, wheels tries to go on up & gets stuck. yes progress is stopped on central park ave.
she is trying to backup get off, agitation ensues.
NO ONE TRIES TO HELP HER not the driver, not the folks that jumped on clearly in a hurry no one. 7 whole minutes pass. Another bus comes. people who refuse to give up their seat to get on a slightly more crowded MOVING bus still sit and watch wheels try to back up & get back on the bus (problem is electronic wheelchair base is wider than the ramp making the wheels skid over the outer edges and her get stuck, then have to try to power the wheelchair using back wheels only back off the ramp to try it again)
this dad and kid got off the bus, kid about 10.
dad asks woman does she need help- rather than assume she is less than handicapable,
wheels replies yes and dude and kid assist with the wheelchair.
kid asks dad "why doesn't no one else help?" dad says "i don't know...but don't ever wait for someone else to help if you can".
overall i interpreted that as take the lead, be the role model; don't wait for permission to BE
kid replies,"wow OK, but think about all them peoples karma and how fucked up they are."
dad doesn't blink at the kids usage of the work fuck.
i bust out laughing.
Karma is a bitch..
oh here is a pic from the night...

coffee thought...

I am sitting here drinking my average cup of joe from the campus thievery next door hoping and wishing for more than this average cup of joe when

"AHHHHH"<--- that is the sound of happiness...

co-worker comes in to say they are opening up a DunkinDonuts literally 2 blocks away!! 2 blocks?? normally, i try to avoid excess walking as not to ruin the perfect shape of round i got going on (ok, ok, i do walk ALOT but not for excercise reasons--a sista gots to go where i go..) but walking these pitiful 2 blocks for the ooh-sooo-coffee goodness would totally make it worthwhile. YAY coffee... now i have to get my funds in order to make it work!

that's all...

Escape

I think i am trying my hardest to stay present and not escape from the random thoughts in my head that occur on a daily basis. I mean i get distracted easily, my house is a mess (but that isn't anything new) and my finances, well i have worked damned hard to get them in order just to be scraping by at this moment. and what do i want to do?

Escape.

Preferably on some island with a nice beach. Is it natural to want to run away from reality all the time?

I don't know..

coffee thought...

that's all...

9/11

I am watching and I remember
I remember the pain
The planes
The smoke
The fear
The uncertainty
The flames

I remember the sounds
The sirens
The struggle to make it out
The prejudice
The people
The people

Running
The towers falling
Scattered lives
One by one
People jumping
The ashes

I remember the feelings of how
Why
Who?
Who could do this to us?
To US
USA

The heroism
The fight
The bravery
The tears
The remembrances
The prayers
The hope for us all
For US All

Now
America
Changes…

things we lost in the fire...

Last night as I was on the train reading this book motherless daughters by Hope Edelman and feeling all sorts of ways continually going thru this grieving process, in the midst of trying to figure out what to have for dinner and hoping that my car is on the right side of the street for NY alternate side parking rules, I get this phone call as I get out the subway station:

“Tash, there is a fire at the neighbors house, it is everywhere!!!
The neighbor’s house is completely gone!!!
They have evacuated the buildings grandma is outside here, everyone is outside, and no one is allowed back inside.
They have 3 trucks battling the blaze so I just wanted to let you know”

Yes this is the message I get from the brother as I get off the train already an emotional wreck (in his defense I am sure he didn’t know I was an emotional wreck already)

As my heart is racing and my eyesight is blurry and my hands are shaking and various crazy thoughts are racing thru my head (see: panic attacks) and I just had to pray.
As I got on the MTA (that is never going my way) it seemed as everything was moving in extra slow motion.
Like I know it typically takes 20 minutes to get home from train to door- but it seemed like an eternity and we appeared to catch every red light.
The bus was unusually cold, but I felt nothing (I know it was cold due to the complaints of the passengers on the bus).
Got off the bus to the throngs of people, mass of fire trucks (at least 12) and just the craziness of seeing it all were truly frightening.

Just thinking about the possibility of being without a place to live…

Everyone in that building is OK. Very distraught about the loss of everything, but thankfully their lives were ok.

I watched the end result of this:

• The news camera trying to get a glimpse of the persons who were clearly upset about their homes, possessions, safety and security all gone. The foolish kids being kids trying to get on camera, jumping around and thinking it is cool.
• My grandmother, who was born in Chicago, has this great fear/respect for fire sneaking back into the house, her comfort zone.
• People who lived on this block for 2 or more years finally being neighborly with each other.
• A few firefighters injured due to the breaking out of windows and smoke inhalation, but thankfully they will be ok.
• Weary firefighters doing a job they love to benefit and save others, I thanked them in person while I could think about it.

and thru all this

I thank God.

coffee thought...

Given enough coffee, I could rule the world. ~Author Unknown

innovative...?

so as part of my job, i assist students in their pursuit of Higher Education, which is a very interesting form of employment in itself.. but what is innovative about today is there is an article in the NY Times about this student and his need for $$ to go to school. Yes, it is an actual solicitation for $$ for school, while innovative and bears in mind the ask and you shall receive mantra..
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
This is almost right up there with the all too familiar "you need to help me since i am an African prince and need you to hold $20 million dollars. just send me your bank account info, etc etc..."
i am not to sure how to feel about this.
On the one hand, University is expensive. Plain and simple, it costs alot of money to attend a great institution of Higher Education. I truly believe in the value of a great education, and that cannot be replaced by anything.
On the other hand, cost of education and affordability is a reality. This is something that is not hidden during the application process at all. I mean one truly knows on the outset (when purchasing a car) that it costs upwards of $50,000 for a Lexus and deciding to get into one is YOUR CHOICE... Just like there are other schools/vehicles that will get you to your destination in life, there are other ways of making it work.
I also believe that while you get what you pay for, the cost doesn't make it everything. Just cause you pay $50 for a piece of chocolate, does not make it any better than a Hershey's Kiss.
I dunno, maybe I am biased because I worked DAMNED hard for my education and am STILL paying for it while i am in service to others...
Something has got to give...

coffee thought...

no coffee today.

you can imagine the reactions of the persons around me...

that's all...

& the winner is...

5 months to the day of Mom's passing...

I went with the Lotus flower cause it seems fitting.