Insomnia

Insomnia

I am plagued by thoughts
Reoccurring ones
Of missed opportunity
Of love lost
Of loneliness found

I am haunted by remembrances
Tangible ones
Of holding you in my arms
Of feeling secure
Of kissing your lips

I am mired by words
Spoken ones
Of wanting
And needing
And of loving me

Trouble lies in this bed
I am dreaming
But can't sleep
💔

Let's dance!

Things I never thought I would be doing on my birthday:

• Waking up on a king size bed overlooking the water
• Being sung Happy Birthday by a nice woman named Elaine who worked in the Swarvoski store.
• Getting presents.
• Heading to a Polynesian Restaurant where you see hula and fire dancing and great food. And sexy men.
• Go to a strip club. [strip clubs and dollar bills- still got my money]
• See more sexy men.  Get a lap dance. [still got my money]
• Get the stripper to loose his 'focus' [still got my money] *
• Have a wonderful cake and more singing sung to me with candles.
• Making wishes...
• Hearing 'I Love You'- you know? **

Anywho...I made a wish.

 *

Soooo yeah. Cutting out all the other PG-13 stuff and skipping straight to the XXX we (my friend Jem and her daughter) in the club. We watching the folks get it in. We have champagne. Some men are obviously very good at their job- as in they stay fit and flexible. And fit is what my mind kept reeling. And some are not so good/ fit/ attractive.

Any who our table is chilling by the stage cause why not put our table right up front and center. The girls are trying to get me a lap dance.

Literally trying to figure out "what's your flavor?"  Well, it depends on the mood I am in- some days we love a little caramel cream, a little milk chocolate, ooohhh on other days we love love love the dark smooth sexy chocolate- so yeah it depends on the day {however there was this fine chocolate loc'd dude strutting by and my flavor was him for the evening}

So they trying to get me up onstage to get a 'dance'.

Right. I am not buying it (literally) and convince my good good sis to take one for the team.  What you must remember about Jem is that she is so classy- pearls and all- and strippers and strip clubs are not her forte.

Well- she got on stage and went to town.  It was a riot. Her daughter was hollering and it looked like Sparkles had a great time.

Next up was me and the chocolate brother. He came over with a tee shirt for me to 'get'.

just do me- no comment(s) necessary

Well I got the shirt and discovered he has a tongue ring.

Get yo minds out the gutter.

Remember I am a good girl- but while he was dancing and them hookers were telling me to smack it/ touch it/ rub it (slores I tell ya).

I was intrigued by the 6 pack just mere inches in front of me. Hmmm.

I was intrigued by the other inches in front of me... Hmmm.

Anywho I called a time out when he did something with his tongue and I was like oh my he got a tongue ring- to which he busted out laughing and had to refocus. Stripping is serious business.

Suffice it to say WE made a memorable experience of the strip club and now have jokes for days.

Happy Birthday to me

 
** and the 'hearing I love you' part of the equation. It was not by the stripper- thank you very much.
It is what it is- which I have found the perfect words for courtesy of SCANDAL (appropriate).

*text outlined below/ ingrained in my memory*

You have nothing.

You have a pile of secrets and lies and you’re calling it love...

And in the mean time you are letting your whole life pass you by

While they raise children

And celebrate anniversaries

And grown old together.

You are frozen in time.

You are holding your breath

You’re a statue waiting for something that is

Never going to happen.

Living for stolen moments in hotel hallways and coat closets-

You keep telling yourself they all add up to something real

Because in your mind they have to

But they don’t

They wont.

They never will-

Because stolen moments aren’t a life.

So you have nothing.

You have no one

End it now.

 

Happy birthday to me!

Today was a good day

A woman named Elaine sang Happy Birthday to me while I was in the Swarvoski store.

I recognize the signs.

❤

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day

Something about Mother's Day makes me think about the days I no longer have
physically with my mother. 
What is sad is that I do tend to focus on what I don't got
versus what I do got
and this makes me sad.
I know I have been blessed to have had a mom like mine.
I know for the short time I was raised by her
and lived with her
and loved with her
I was truly a blessed person but yea-
in a world where everyone is out to get theirs
and they must get there's before you get yours otherwise it ain't worth getting-
it makes me think of scarcity
and how for some strange reason I think of 'enough'.
Is it enough?
Is there enough?
Specifically in relation to Mother's Day...
My mothers love - Did I get enough?
Parenting- was there enough? [between both parents that I had and lost]-- was there enough parenting of myself and my siblings on the goings on of being a great woman (me), being a great man (for the brothers), recognizing a great man (for me), etc etc...
Discipline
life lessons
bonding
mother- daughter time
laughter
tears
quiet time
appreciation
gratitude
was there enough?
Is it ever enough?
Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I know you can never get enough of your mothers love.
Period.
So, since it was determined that my physical time with her was ended, the love (I gather) is eternal and that will just have to be enough.

Happy Mothers Day to all.

google doodle courtesy of google.

Yoga- Day 2

So I decided to try again.
On this day I thought having survived the first day I would be well equipped to handle the heat, sweat and tears (no blood? not yet) and breathing of the 2nd class of Bikram yoga. Apparently not as nausea set in immediately and my 'calm/ serene' thought process escaped me definitely immediately.
I was breathing
I was remembering to focus
I was sweating profusely
I was not flexible
I was getting a cramp in my foot
I need to sit down
I need to focus
I need to stop
I need to remember to keep breathing
I was a hot mess - literally by the end of the class and think that maybe this is not the focus and thought process I can get used to.
Maybe this is not the exercise and path I am supposed to take.
maybe I am not the person who will be able to balance on one foot in a standing bow pose.
or ever be able to touch my toes again
or ever be able to achieve balance in my life- literally and figuratively.
Maybe I just need to focus on myself in other ways - trying to listen to my body is not working.
Hell, we haven't had a cohesive working relationship in some time, it seems. She gets me to where I need to be, I tend to think, OK next time I will do such-and-such to make it all better. Even the whole take care of yourself thing- I literally fell down steps and didn't take care of myself immediately because of the responsibility I think I have to other people, places, and things before me.
damn
I need a re-set button.
and a refill.

Day 1- Bikram Yoga

Ya dead yet
Yeah mon- Cool Runnings circa 1993

Yoga

Day one- everyone must start somewhere. This is where it begins. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I was to attempt to begin Bikram Yoga on Monday. Sparkles decided it would be a good thing to gift me for my upcoming birthday (instead of anything truly sparkly like Swarvoski). I read the rules, registered for the class, drank more water than I thought I could (which is not up to my recommended 8 cups still) and then promptly spent $108.00 on the following items: a yoga mat, yoga like pants, a tee shirt, a yoga towel, and a bag to carry yoga mat in. Yes. I had now invested money into this venture so I *thought* I will be all in. The name of the place is Bikram Yoga Lower East Side. I walked from the job (figured a bit of walking would be good) and showed up. This place was packed. Literally. Instructions- take off shoes. Check. Be ready to sweat. Double check. Stay hydrated. 1/2 a check. So I tell the nice man at the front desk this is my first time and he says, "Oh excellent, Welcome. So your main goal is to stay in the room..." Really? Is it that bad I think and apparently verbalise.  "Really, it is not that bad. If you need to sit down then do it. It happens. Listen to your body - take care of yourself. Have fun."  Sounds easy enough- not that I think this will be easy at all. "Oh and stay in the back of the room- it is cooler back there.." Sane parting words
So, I prepare to go in and place my mat. Not trying to be too close and not trying to be antisocial. Now what? Cause I am sweating already and I ain't even do nothing. Oh. Got to remember to breathe...which is such a lesson in life as it is
...Corine the instructor comes in, asks for new persons and checks our placement (yes, back of the room). She does not demonstrate the poses, but we should look at the first row for an example. Ok they are all professional and stuff. (Makes me sick). And we begin.
Breathing, stretching, sweating (not in that order because sweating began before I even attempted something). Somewhere in the 90 minute class I know when I was supposed to be all serene and focused and meditative, I was cursing everyone and their momma. I was especially cursing my body and the lack of stretch I have. I was cursing the weight I am carrying and the rolls that I am rolling with.
not a peaceful/ graceful look happening here.

And I would just like to say that if the back of the room was "cooler" than the front of the room, then the front of the room must have been straight HELL as the back of the room was hot-as-hell.

As I left the place I felt nausea, wet, sweaty, sick, like I was going to throw up, dizzy, grimey, hurt, tired, ashamed.
and I had the best sleep of my life.
Considering I only had one outfit I definitely needed a rest day  in between,
SO that was day 1.  My motto...try everything at least 2-3 times to be very sure I do or don't like it.

we shall see.
prayers are welcome.

Namaste.

saw this today...

"Create the highest,

grandest

vision for your life,

because you become

 what you believe."

 - Oprah Winfrey