Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

Yesterday's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Monday, September 29th:

For two days each month, we're all wide open to others -- and quite willing to let them into our hearts. Well, guess what? Yep. It's your turn. The stars want you to focus on one-to-one relationships, and are urging you to let go of your fears and hesitations. Allow someone you barely know to get closer to you. Are you game? Oh, my. That's the understatement of the century -- even though it's still a young one.
and this is not ok-- not even by a long shot as I am daydreaming and thinking about...
and i am sooo fucking frearful of a broken heart (again) that i have more than hesitations...
i have full stops. PERIOD.
Period.
what is a girl to do?

Gemini Overview Horoscope..

Gemini, Daily Horoscope, Saturday, September 27th:

Your dedication to someone or something is heightened today, and you may find that your ability to give them what they need is almost magical. Do something big and showy and see what happens.


--this is apparently what I am gearing up to do---something big and showy (cause who dont like a big show?)
we shall see how this show goes on...

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

Fwd: Word

I think I can safely say this without
Rhyme or reason
Or any reservations
About who may/ may not read this
Or who may judge me
Or who may laugh at me
Or who may/ may not actually love me
I can safely say this...
 

In thinking about love and choice and choices of love, I think...
I think that love is freeing.
I think that falling in love is a farce.
I think...
I think that freewill is amazing.
I think that people underestimate the power of choice and what it does for us. 
I think that...
I think that people do not know how to receive the love that is given to them.
I think that I think about the possible too much rather than the impossible.
I think that...
I think that what's for me is for me wherever it may be.
I think that my future husband will have to say this to me or show this concept of love to me regularly.
I think I think too much. 

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

songs from back in the day...

You know them artists from the 70's & 80's had it right

with some of the lyrics to the songs they sang.

Funny as you get older and have more (or less) life experiences

you tend to identify with somethings that folks sang about with all their heart.

Future heartbreak notwithstanding, 

I remember listening to this song

(way back in the day- but definitely not when it just came out)

 and hearing what she said-

but having not tried to love someone who wasn't having it (yet)

 I was not fully able to identify with it.  S

ometimes, I wished a song was written about me

(definitely not a sad depressing song--

but maybe a love song or something similar to that in this world).

Anywho, I give you Angela Bofill- I Try...

 

I try to do the best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care even when you're not there
But it's not what you want

You close your door when I wanna give you more
And I feel, I feel so out of place
And you know it's true
Don't you think I'm good enough for you

And can't you see that you're hurting me
And I want, I want this pain to stop
So if you really care, I mean if you really, really care
Well then open up your heart to me, open up to me

You know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
And you know that I needed to make you mine
Well it was just a, a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to make it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

Oh, you know that I tried to be with you
Oh, you know that I needed to make you mine

 

I won't

I won't
Relive the day
or the tragedies that followed
Because I would have done that
over and over again
for the many years to follow
Still...
I won't relive the hurt
and the sorrow that occurred
Because those things never truly go away,
now do they?
I won't relive the heroism
because in direct relation to that heroism
is the constant threat and fear
we stay in.
Orange level alerts and
high terror threats
are no way
to live life.
I won't relive the promises made
Because even those
were buried away
when the dust that settled
Never spoken of again
Mysterious.
I will remember
I won't
ever forget.

9/11

What happens when

What happens when

You reach out
And there is no one there?
It's kind of like the trapeze when you are just swinging back and forth and maybe there is another bar to grab on or maybe there is even someone there with a hand... Then again most times there is not.
And with that I have learned to time my descent- my falling- just right to not receive too many broken bones.
Oh I do get hurt
Things break.
They may possibly heal never the same of course
But
I have learned to make due.
And consider
Why I thought I could reach out in the first place.


Sent from my iPhone

Coffee thought... Horoscope September 4, 2014

Horoscope: Gemini: September 4th, 2014

Something you read now or a piece of information that falls in your lap could alter your thinking radically.This is good and will help you step outside yourself and gain an insight into the possible outcomes that are available to you.You must break the habit of feeling as if you must live your life the way you always have.

Now, while I don't know what habits I need to be breaking are I do know that I am at a place where things are working into place and I am working things as well. 

Living my life with a great work ethic and accountability is something that won't change. Maybe being such a giver might. We shall see...

that's all...

Oh happy birthday to my Granny who tells people she is 29 but really 92 and Beyoncé who is cause why not 33...

Working while at work

Working while at work

That is a concept that some folks I work with have not grasped. Or captured. Because it seems during the day, they seem to want to socialize and chat bout many non work things yet because it is our busy time and *surprise* we are busy they are all upset at the notion they should work.
Perish the thought! This paycheck must be earned! Gasp! It's not a gift?? 

Really... No, really...


Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

Hey there

What do you want to write about?
Well right now i want to talk about communication.

 Verbiage. 

Words. 

Language. 

All of these are saying the same thing but what am I saying?
That is constantly why I am writing because I feel I am not fully understood or misunderstood in my communication(s) with people. And what gets me is that I feel I am clear. I feel I am direct. (I can go so far as to say I am clear and direct but then that would imply the other parties are not capable of dealing with clearness and directness) and to be extremely fair (cause I always am) I am aware there are times
I. Am. Not. At. All. Clear. Intentionally. Purposefully. Directly.
But at any rate,
Why?
Why can't y'all just understand me?

Is it my tone of voice or the current words of choice or is it something more puzzling that I cannot for the life of me figure out. 

Eh

c'est la vie 

You often ask me

 

You often ask me

What do you want?

And I dare not answer

Because what would you say

If I told you the truth

What would you do if I told you

I want you

I want you to hold me

I want you to touch my hair

I want you to kiss my lips

I want you to dare

I want you to put your arms around me,

and pull me in close

I want you to lay down beside me

I want you to say I love you the most.

What would you do

If I told you

I want your smiles

I want to have your child

I want your despair

I want you to understand I truly care

I want your love

I wanted you from the start

I want your dreams

I want your heart

What would you do

If I told you truly

If I told you honestly

If I...

Wait

So

I think I need to know

What do you want?

that's all...

Ever

Had such a good day

that you don't want to go to sleep

because it would be

like wow

was that all a dream?

Today was a good day.

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