new google doodle...

today is some celebration of bunsen's 200 birthday... but for some reason all i can think about is beeker from the muppets- go figure!
image courtesy of google...

life in ruins

so my computer (a.k.a my lifeline and ticket outta hell) has not turned on since Sunday night. Why, I don't know- but it wont even go into safe mode. nothing. So I ask the IT guy at my job to take a look (considering this is what they do & all- and since I do actual work- work on the comp). I bring it in today to work. 4 hours later, what do I get? A computer that turns on but has NONE of the information on it. Not one picture, not one line of poetry, not one line of my resume, not any research for my book, not any chapters for my book, not one e-mail I saved from my mother to delete from the hard-drive at work, not one anything at all resembling the life I am trying to build. HELL, not even one "memory" from the life I had. None of the research for apartments I did or best places to live as a single woman. None of the anythings that I intended to finish (all the unfinished words that I gathered from my numerous books), not any of the hours I spent typing away at this damned thing called my life, not any of the different music i purchased and spent time putting in the computer.
I am not even back at square one as square one would be a starting place- and I don't know where to start.
(and of course because I am at work in my not private cubicle I can't even curl up in a ball and cry)
but i did happen to receive some great advice: time to invest in an external hard-drive to back up my work. Thanks for that. kind of like telling the victim next time say no louder.

Commuting...why i am late for work

because in the rain you wait 15 minutes for a bus to come. and then three (3) buses come back to back to back (i am on a bus in the stop and look, there goes the other two just driving by).

Oh MTA why you never go my way?

and then when i get on the train this man had the nerve to have girl scout cookies right in front of me. I spy a box of thin mints that he is about to get got for.

Enjoyed2

and we enjoyed this one too!

Enjoyed

Enter wellness week....

<-- yes a cupcake=wellness-->

this eveniing I had the BESTEST of times -- i hung out with Beks & she forwarded me some deals & discounts for national wellness week (hint?) and we went to one of my favorite spas in NYC (justcalmdown). I have been going to this place for a fair #of years and i looooove this spot. they have the cutest names for their treatments and deals & they are semi-pricey depending on what you get (like really $45 for a manicure!!! that is like $4.50 per finger??) Anywho I usually go especially for the massages and typically get some kind of rockstar/superhero/shiatsu thingy that leaves me feeling like a new me.
With the spa week specials it is usually 50% of the price of something so I was looking to for a quick $50 massage and call it a day.
The owner (Red) polietely called my phone when i booked (got voicemail) to be like hunny, you never get a typical service (since i always get a rockstar/superhero/shiatsu thingy) and i may not enjoy it. call me back. delete.
Arrive at the spa day of (and on time whoo hoo) and i am ready to be all budgety savvy & stress free for $50 bucks. Apparently NOT as (Red) saunters out (all hunny hi, how are ya, hows TD & the baby/ etc etc & you will not like a regular massage you need to get one of our new specials Shakespere in love) all i know 4 seconds later I was signed up for some feathery/deep tissue/ vodka pear infused thingy that was OMG gooood. yeah. $114. so much for budgety.
(side note- she got her brows done and it was NOT the $6.99 threading price I typically pay).. Anywho after that we went to some pizza place (greeeeat pizza so good i didnt get a pic) and enjoyed that cuppycake pictured above. we really enjoyed the real butter-ness of this cuppycake.

Nails (again)

Tuesday manicure courtesy of a steady hand and a morning phone shift.

Color: Grey Area (fitting)

Brand: Sally Hansen Xtreme wear.

coffee thought...

3/22/11 8:41 am

In the train gathering my train of thoughts
This past weekend we celebrated the birthday of TD on a lil lunch cruise around NYC. Of course we took pics & talked crap about life, politics & the world. It was a fabulous time as we chatted, danced a bit & ate. Imagine this- 35 and you are a first-time mother. Wow. Definitely different from last year this time. Anywho, she does the damned thing & was extremely happy. After the lunch, we did a lil karaoke & then to her home for a surprise party. All in all a nice day. Sunday ushered in the first day of spring so spring has sprung but it is like 40 out there so no time to put away your winter coats just yet.

I have been thinking about my life (wow really) and how I think I am fairing with the passing of my mother and the tumultuous relations I have with my emotions and such. I believe thru time, prayer, friendship & therapy things are beginning to look OK. Not bad for 3 yrs. Is everything perfect? far from it. will it get better, one can only hope.

Speaking of hope, it seems that it is "OK" to not be all "someday my prince will come"optimistic about relationships/love and the prospects of it all simply because of my experiences+ my current happenstances+ the current state of affairs= making it hard to "just grin and bear it". Sometimes you (I) just want to be pissed off at the fact that here I am __<-- (insert an age here) years old and this is your life (in Ralph Edwards voice- no I am not that old). Is this what you imagined while you (I) was up many a night studying hard on them tests that we (I) needed to pass just to get into a 'good' HS in NYC to graduate with a good g.p.a. so that you can get accepted into a 'good' college and get a 'good' job. All of that was supposed to flow so seamlessly and everything was supposed to be all good. Like Theo said in the Cosby show, "No Problem", right? Oh how very wrong. And let's be realistic, who flows thru life with no problems? We (I) got that-- as well as got problems but we (I) figure with a modicum of perseverance in place progress to the pinnacle point would be achieved. I mean I never ever blemished my permanent record {wherever that is} & I did as much as I could possibly do without falling out.

Yet I am here.

Which makes me really kinda upset cause I was supposed to be over there... you know where there is. There is the place with the 2.5 kids & a yard & a stable job & a committed loving husband & a shared goals (or 3) & a sense of being in and of the world & giving back and you know all them things. I know I wanted them back then and thought that (just like everything else we work hard at) it will 'soon come'.
Well soon is passing me by and tomorrow is another day for another dollar and another promise.
So yeah, it is OK for me to have a bitter day, week, moment so long as I am not curled up in a ball on 14th street.

(maybe on 86th, they got $$ up there and maybe a rich dr would take me home...LMAO)

coffee thought...

today on the first "official" day of spring it is about 50 degrees and rainy (spring rain?) mixed with snow and I didn't really have too much thoughts today. I was thinking "oh man, I want coffee" and about to think about "all the things i can't have/ don't have" this morning (as I sip my tea) when I heard a co-worker crying. So I go over and ask is everything alright? She says yes, these are happy tears as her bro-in-law just got back from deployment (after being away with minimal contact) & her sister is putting up these happy pics etc etc. They were married last May and he left in August- but he is finally home safe.
So this made me thankful that there are men & women out there willing to risk their lives so that I may have an opportunity, a chance and some peace of mind.
Sometimes in the midst of my craziness I forget to thank you for that.
that's all...

dress options

I was contemplating this dress for my birthday brunch(of course hiked up a few inches and such) but TRS saw it, loved it, loved it for her graduation & bought it.
not that I would not wear it or buy it myself anyway cause it is not a one of a kind original but i am on to the next one...

coffee thought...

i am staring at this tea cup willing it to be coffee...
PLEASE BE COFFEE...
apparently my Jedi mind tricks are not working...

that's all...

I just discovered I am a spinster

I just discovered I am a spinster and not in the 'one who spins thread way' either. Apparently I am a spinster in the 'one who is perpetually single well beyond the conventional age of Marrying way.'<- thanks Merriam- Webster.
Or 'a woman who seems unlikely to marry'<- again Webster you are doing me dirty. So I ask myself and the lovely people out there:
What is the conventional age of marrying? *
as of 2007 men 27.7/women 26.0

Great, the U.S. Bureau of the Census is using my lack of liking numbers + the lack of male interaction in my life against me.
So let me get this straight (as I sit here & ponder this) average age of marriage is 26 for women. At 26 I am sure I had trouble committing to a pair of shoes on any given shopping outing, I had trouble committing to any weekend event at various given times (club, bar, lounge, chill) and to which friends I was attending said outings (intellectual types? wild & crazy types? co-workers? family? others<- there were others who are undeniably unclassified.) I definitely had trouble committing myself (ok applying with any real real desire) to furthering my education/career so at at average age of 26 I was supposed to comit myself to ONE MAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???? And this whole marriage thing.- like that is some damned prize (ring, get it?) at the end of the tunnel [the long and treacherous dating world of men, dogs, pigs, snakes and kissing frog-like princes? what is this a freaking animal farm?]
Wow I am so behind the curve here (and here I am looking for a curve, know what I mean?)
I mean here I am trying to get a date, trying to get someone to love men for who I am, trying to get someone just to acknowledge my presence- NOT marry right off the bat. I don't know the first thing about all that- hell sometimes

• I fear I don't even know how to be in relationship with someone (how sad is that).
• I fear I don't know how to love a man
• I fear that a man won't know how to just love me.
• I fear I don't know how to be with a man
• I fear sex. Fear that I would do something wrong, in any and all aspects of it. I fear I don't know how to kiss, how to touch, how to be touched or whatever (therapy says I am just lost in actual practice, one can hope?)

anywho, enough about the marriage, let's talk about:

Divorce.

(cause you can't have one without the possibility of the other, no?)

So I ask myself this question:
What is the average divorce rate in America?
The answers I get are staggering based on the age of marriage:
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America

Age	Women	Men
Under 20 years old	27.6%	11.7%
20 to 24 years old	36.6%	38.8%
25 to 29 years old	16.4%	22.3%
30 to 34 years old	8.5%	11.6%
35 to 39 years old	5.1%	6.5%

so check that out-- had I been married at the 'ripe ole age of 26' the possibility of me getting a divorce was approximately 16.4%.

hope, right?

well, not so fast as i goggled:

What is the average age a person meets their spouse? (no real answers came up but what i did score was interesting:)

With "Gen X" individuals (labeled between 28-39) the most popular way to meet people is through work, at 19%. Following are through friends (18%),through school (14%), social activities with friends (8%), and via a club/bar 6%. Dating services come in dead last at less than 1%. So much for eharmonymatch.com

Where does that leave me?

All confused about my status and about my place/ space in this world. It leaves me thinking about the future and about my past transgressions (a.k.a choices) that lead me right here to this very spot I am sitting in. Then of course a few weeks ago when I started to compose this blog {ok damn near a month ago} this wonderful <--insert sarcasm article comes out on Why I am not Married by Ms. Tracey McMillian via the Huffington post and it blew my mind. Literally got me all riled up. I had so many things to say, respond to about the circumstances that surrounded the place where I am at-- not because I am a shallow-slutty-lying-selfish-not good enough-bitch. [because one thing I did find out about this article is that while she did accomplish marriage(3 times), she accomplished at least 2 divorces as well.

anywho, anyone know how to work a loom?

coffee thought...horoscope 3/15/11

Gemini Horoscope for March 15, 2011

Spend the morning chatting (don't forget: No office works without good communication). Then spend the afternoon consolidating your energies. You're executing -- or preparing to execute -- some serious 'next steps' in your current work ambitions, and this afternoon you need all your strength to do it. What will result from all of this? Whatever it is, the office will be buzzing when they see how you pulled it off!

kinda what happened as i "got down" to work in earnest- at 3:30.

Chocolate

so what happens when your co-workers know you are on day 7 of no coffee?

they bring you chocolate to take off the edge (milk chocolate at that!)

awww, a big thanks to BL for hooking this up!

coffee thought...

coffee thought
8:52 am
Or the lack of coffee thinking- which I don't know may make my mind clearer or more confused as I am continuously thinking about some type of caffeinated drink of the coffee variety. (I even googled if khalua is considered coffee &is decaf considered coffee cause truly decaf is NOT coffee in my book)
Anywho as I am sticking to my commitment of non- java for the season my thoughts travel to why is it so hard to find a pair of sneakers! I have been on this search for quite some time now & my favorite pair of puma (grey w/ lime stitch) was on sale in lady foot locker ($29.99) but there was nothing in my size in 4 flipping stores- then I tried regular foot locker and online an modells and even the puma site and no sherbet in my size! I even tried on a size 10 just to see (horrendous).
What is a chick to do? Go sneaker-less in this world?
I dunno but it should not be this hard.

Thought given to me by my train: Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside, awakes. Carl Jung.
Am I still sleeping or am I awake?

Thus evening on the bus

Thus evening on the bus I heard a new term for chicken nuggets.
Apparently they are referred to as "chicken nuts".
Thanks (to the little 3 yr old girl) for that image.

sent from iPhone

Gods purpose for crazy people.

these are some notes from a service that I listened to recently... entitled

Gods purpose for crazy people.
It is much harder to be a Christian than it is to be just human?
What is a Christian?
Who is a Christian?
Devotion to any system can be faked. One can always appear to believer but to actually believe is harder than "faking belief(s)".
You can practice a religion but it may never truly affect your life, never make difference if you don't live your religion
Character is harder to get than new clothes. (Word...and there are A lot of folks walking around here naked in character...)
A mean spirit is uglier than any tattoo you may get. (Ditto for being hard to remove as well)
Some people don't want to be good, they just want to look good i.e just want to deal with the outside and not with what is on the inside.
We resist Jesus calls- and he wants us to have a deeper relationship with him.  Our relationship with him challenges how we treat each other.
Love somebody.
Try it... cause everybody wants you to believe we know how to love someone. But how many people love themselves? Do you want that on you???
Dealing with the perception of who we think we are- he knows the truth.
Love your neighbor and hate your enemy- so they thought it was. We should love the enemy too- we are aspiring to do that. We need go do BETTER- we need to learn how to live with them crazy people. That blew my mind.
 Listen to this:
Crazy people will make your life hard- they will make you miserable. You may know some crazy people...Jesus knows that if he puts them in your life they will make you pray and test ya... I gave you crazy people to get on your nerves AND to give you patience... (really?)
Agape in Greek= love??? Define that for yourself...
We should take joy & pleasure in crazy people- he needs us to be joyful to them/ find joy in them/ show love to them/ love them. Show principled love in them he wants us to be perfect.
Maturity as an adult is something that is (perceived as) perfect - dealing with people will make you trust and talk to Jesus...
AMEN
********************************
in reading this over I truly need to be thankful for all of the oddities in my life and the folks that come along with that..
forever grateful...

coffee thought...

day #5 without coffee....

i am contemplating throwing out my dress that i sewed these buttons on.
reason No. 1- tis the season for change- we sprang forward last night and tho we lost an hour of much needed sleep we will be moving towards longer days and (hopefully) springy/ summery weather.
reason No. 2- i am trying to define my personal style and i am not sure this dress screams something I love, something i am willing to keep in my closet/sacrifice much needed closet space for.
reason No. 3- (truthfully) it don't fit. maybe i could blame it on washing/shrinkage (of dress, clearly not me tho my scale says slightly otherwise)
so out with the old and in with something new...

and yes, another reason to go shopping.

that's all...

coffee thought...

well actually tea thoughts as i have given up coffee for lent this year. this is definitely an experiment of the mind, body & soul...or just another insanity test that i like to put myself thru. eh, we will see. we will also see what affect/ effect this has on my interactions with the world around me seeing as how i generally rely on the soothing effects of caffeine to start, continue & end my days.

such is life.

speaking of life, thoughts & prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Japan & the subsequent tsunami's out there- it is amazing and a bit scary what this world is capable of.

that's all...

coffee thought...horoscope 3/9/11

Gemini Horoscope for March 09, 2011

If you haven't managed to schedule some away time for yourself, make sure you do it soon. Call that spa, pick out the book you'll read, decide on a destination. Even if you can't actually take any time away for a few more months, committing to doing something solely for yourself will give you a temporary lift that will carry you throughout the day. This period of introspection is something you need to take advantage of, so listen to your emotions.

..so this is something that I definitely am taking advantage of...#1- booked a mini spa thingy on 3/22 - getting a much needed massage (my shoulders are spasm-ing like you have no idea- yeah i am stressed) #2- am going to cancun!!!! whoo hooo yeah i am gonna get my beach (la playa) on and some mucho fun!

adios!

Doctors visit 3/8/11 10:30am

130/80 BP- 80 is my normal bottom. I am not sure if that is good or bad considering i am on mess for that.

Weight__{less than an average baby elephant @ birth which is 232} wait. I need to loose more. yeah.

Wanna get a HIV test? It takes 20 minutes for the results. Ummm errrrr- was my response to the kind Hispanic nurse. Sure. She was like oh it's always good to know.
Then why oh why am I nervous to get an HIV test? I mean we all good, right? I mean seeing as how I have never done anything and nothing with no one you would think I am all free and clear, right (unless I was born this way ala gaga) Seeing as how i know i have test anxiety this is not a good look. You would also think that having this knowledge would make how I operate in life better- like more knowledgeable. But you know me- you know I worry about meteors gracefully falling from the sky and crashing into the earth effectively killing us all (Armageddon much?) you know i worry about failing at things I have no interest in attempting (Just in case i get the urge to try said things i wouldn't want to be a failure at them, ya know?) You know I worry especially about the things I want to turn out right (such as love, happiness, commitment, success etc).

So I worry.

Update #1: 3 needle sticks in a attempt to find a vein and there is no blood. What the hell? Am I bloodless? If you cut me apparently I will not bleed for they cannot find any veins that run thru me. It is utterly hilarious as I have not had anything to eat (this is supposed to be a fasting glucose) and am feeling like I am gonna faint. It is now noon and I have been up and about and active since 8. with no food from the prior 6 pm eating hour. This is so not good.

Update #2: I am HIV negative. So I know where I stand and how to continue that way. sheesh, I guess I passed. good thing, right.

Update #3: After 2 more needles, it is now time to proclaim "I am no pin-cushion". At this time I am like DONE. Nice Hispanic nurse politely puts 5 random ban-aids on me. 2 bugs bunny, a daffy duck, one flesh-tone (not my flesh-tone) and one of an inderminable character which is rather frightening.

Update #4: They send me to this place where they were supposed to be better at this, apparently not so much as I sit here for 2 hours effectively making me late for work even tho I took a 1/2 vacation day and still no blood. The utterly rude and damn near incompetent nurse practitioner there was upset that I was going to faint because of no food (at 2pm now) and after an announcement of "Me no think we seeing more of youth today right now" [translation-->they are not taking any more people] I was like give me my paperwork so I can leave. She was mad because "me deh pon already stick the sin-ting pon de sheet there, so me cannn give it back" [translation--> she already put her stickers on my sheet here, so she can't give it back] I told her I don't care where she put her stickers, since they did not see me I need to leave out of here {in my head i was thinking she lucky she old & i am weak at this moment cause I would have removed the stickers for her}. I waited while she carelessly ripped the stickers off the form and gave it back to me. So I went to grab food (COSI TBM cause i was starving - not the 1/2 but the whole) and went back to work. cause work is never done!!!

and guess who has to fast AGAIN to have to do this AGAIN so they can figure out what is wrong with me ?

So if

Ifthe world is your oyster and you are allergic- now what?

coffee thought...

today's coffee thought surrounds drinking coffee while watching sesame street. Sometimes I partake in this particular brand of hilarity (sesame street that is) since it is definitely a throwback from my days o youth. Nevermind this is educational tv and something that teaches children's of all ages-- and the puppets/ Muppet's are of no real particular race (i mean Elmo the most popular Muppet of almost all time is voiced by a black male- how cool is that?) is red (is red a race on sesame street?

any who on Elmo's world he is telling us all the importance of sleep and how to get a good nights sleep and how you become more productive, awake and alive after a great nights sleep. I love how this is telling young kids this lesson early on (cause once HS/ college & work-social life happens) sleep is a rare commodity that I know I am in constant search of...

any who.

this lesson goes well with coffee on this dreary sunday morning.

i wish i had this life...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/26/nyregion/26bermuda.html

Love of strawberry shortcake

carmines DIVINE strawberry shortcake- i <3 this cake!

Lunch

don't we all love sushi?

coffee thought...

cappuccino @ carmines= divine!