Born and raised in the South Bronx, New York (USA) I figured some thoughts, words, and musings of me would be entertaining- particularly because I say what I mean and of course I mean what I say.
Yes, I am an educated African-American woman. Yes, I am a poet. Yes, I am emotional. Yes, I am strong. Yes, I am opinionated. Yes, I am single. Yes I am an avid drinker of coffee. Yes I am in constant struggle- oh and I can not spell, so don't judge [ok maybe a bit] Don't be scared, just be willing
So in the grand scheme of things, this is something that I have wanted for a while. On the bottom is the pic from our Enrollment Management Recognition Breakfast. I was recognized for my contribution to the work in the Financial Aid realm. I mean I guess this is a good thing, this lovely certificate.
The next pic is of my presentation at NASPA- specifically for their Symposium on Financial Literacy. Considering this is something I have been working on for over a year now- the Fin Ed work not the actual presentation, I think it rather cool to go to D.C. and present.
Interestingly enough I am focusing on some of the things about me that I love lately...
And I am very very happy with that.
With me.
Which is something that I sometimes feel like ohhhh I can't celebrate me cause that is boasting and that is like conceited and that is generally not what good catholic girls do. Be humble! Be virginal! Sacrifice! Repent!
Stuff like that...
Yeah that is the doctrine I was taught.
I didn't fully buy into it but I can truthfully admit I test drove the hell out of the humble part and the self sacrifice part and the... well you know part (no need to like, you know expose every everything)
And now- nearing this magical # in this world that some folks are sooooo ashamed of and some folks never get to see... I am amazed at
Me
Gasp!
Like I am amazed I made it this far given some circumstances... South Bronx bred
I am amazed at the things I have witnessed (poverty, war, triumph, terroristic attacks,) but also births, loves joined, weddings, life, loss..
I am amazed at the travels I have traveled (Ghana, Morocco, Canada, Bermuda, California, the list goes on)
I am amazed at the people who have choose to leave- for whatever reasons
I am amazed at family... However it is defined for you.
I am amazed at the people I have loved
I am amazed at my capacity for love even tho...
I am amazed at my friends and the eclectic wonderfulness that is them- individually and collectively
It is all amazing
And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....
Semi coffee thought for today:
Watched the movie magic mike XXL- and let me tell you something
There ain't bit a bit of believable plot in this movie here
However
The moves on one (or more) of these men there- I mean
Oh Lawd...
And maybe it is because of the lack of sexual anything in my life at
this time that them mens there looked ultra appealing
But i ain't mad at that.
Currently flying at 39453 feet in the air traveling from Fort Lauderdale at 529 miles per hour over Savannah at this point. Going home. Home.
That is something that I am thankful to be able to have is a home. I was visiting (with my sister girl TD) at my other sister girl house.
It was a lovely time- basically where we were able to rest relax and just be.
And we talked cause we all can take up a storm. But it was soo good to see pearls again after having not seen her in quite some time (since I drove her to Florida).
We went to the beach and (according to them) were attacked by fishes.
It was the funniest thing. The sand on this beach was hot as hellfire and we were doing our best bay watch runs to the water and was thoroughly enjoying the food drinks dranks and drunks. Lol. As we were watching the birds dive down near the pier and scoop up the fishes I felt a little fish by my foot and was like oh. Well we are in the ocean so I guess it is to be expected. Then TD feels a fish. Then pearls daughter was like Ohhhh mommy you better get out the water (she gets skeeved by these things) and the next thing you know there was a school or a damn near university of fishes (mind you these fish are like 3 inches at max) swimming by us. Let me tell you the craziness and the screaming them ladies did. I was cracking up laughing and they were grabbing on to TD for safety:
FYI we are in boob high water and FYI #2 we were swimming topless so 'they' were jumping out the water and the while damn beach was watching. You can't make this stuff up. TD was like (all deadpan) monotonous get off me.
I died. apparently, being of Island parentage and used to fish and fish swimming near you/ by you and of course being that I am part mermaid, sea enchantress, goddess I am used to things like that...
Gotta love the silliness.
But on a serious tip, because of the spiritual beliefs and God that we believe in she cleanses her house spiritually in a regular basis. We talked about some of the things (spirits and prayers) and last night
was interesting if the nights that I was troubled in my sleep (prayers AND had to sleep with the light on)
There are some things that are un-explainable...There are some things you don't ask questions on that's all...
Monday morning blues
Today I didn't work out as planned (3rd time my co-workout partner has
cancelled) and that is not to say that I couldn't just get up and go
myself but I mean if I am mega sleepy and I don't have to meet someone
I am choosing self care and sleep above sweat (well at least that kind
of sweat)
And I slept in. (Until 6:28 ohhhhh) and then I decide to get up and
get about my business. Had apple jacks cause why not and the I
proceeded with the business of de-fuzzing and primping and what not.
What not to do is try to detangle extra curly hair without
conditioner. Ouch. Any way. I smell good.
And on to the business of dressing for today. Monday. Tired as i am I
think I match. We shall see.
And on this train ride so far we have had the star crossed lovers
Romeo and Kate, an African drum ceremony, an evangelist, and a few
more savory (?) characters and a few delays and it isn't even 42nd
yet. And it is 9:19.
That's all...
Saturday in the city with no other agenda other than food with a
friend, self care (mani/pedicure), and movies. It is just a day,
doing ordinary things, but when you do ordinary things with
extraordinary folks it just feels better.
Trust me, it does.
And I am clear that I'm gonna miss this.
But just like life, nothing lasts forever.
that's all...
So in doing What I do daily, often often and more often times I feel/
ask: and say: what is the purpose? I mean sometimes 'this work' feels
like it is a lot (but never too much) and I can and do get discouraged
(hey I am human some days and lay down my superwoman cape a time or
two!) well... A fascinating email today...
And I am like oh, word, really?
Wow.
[so I had to be nominated for this award and the sexy young one a
friend actually wrote a phenomenal essay]
At any rate, it's pretty cool.
And I'm honored to be selected.
and I'm going to be proud of this achievement and what I do daily.
Yay me!
I figure i should have a few different horoscopes here for the start of the year and see where it takes me.HOROSCOPES
Overview
Double hurray, all of that diligence and handwork is totally paying off in 2015, Gemini. You've fought your way through enough bumps and bruises on the road to success over the past few years, and now you're ready to truly claim your foothold and take your vision to the next level. The cosmic taskmaster is finally taking a break from your work and health zone and will only come back for brief audit and finalization this summer (June-September). So go ahead and spend the first half of the year pursuing excellent collaborations and stellar people to partner with. The other sweet news is that life isn't going to be more of that all work and no play non-sense. Relationships of the romantic variety will take priority in 2015 as well. You're learning and re-learning the art of partnering. This requires quality-time and attention, good boundaries, reciprocity and the ever-elusive balance of self and other.
One of your strongest assets in 2015 (if not always) is your mind. The difference this year is your knack for large-scale dreaming. You're totally a creative visionary as the New Year begins and that powerful and exuberant influence will push you to new heights for the first half of 2015. Ju-piter, the planet of luck, abundance and the big picture continues to light up the zone of your horoscope ruling your mind, communication, siblings and daily interactions. This makes life more playful and joyful with childlike enthusiasm all around. The only caveat is that Jupiter will be retrograde until April, so you may want to wait until spring to launch your biggest-of-the-big-shot projects, Gemini.
If you've had home improvement dreams or the fantasy of a total change of residence in your brain, the second half of the year could bring tremendous opportunity for expanding your domes-tic horizons. Lucky Jupiter will move into the base of your horoscope in August bringing a strong urge to spread out and take over more living space and land. You're ready to live large in whatever context that best supports your fabulous dreams of the moment. Mars and Jupiter will tag-team it in late September and October, so mark your calendars for your new home or biggest renovation project during that time. Don't worry dear; you should be making enough cash to support some pimped out, extravagant living. Dreamy Neptune continues to bring the glamour to your career zone for the fourth year in a row. You're starting to get the hang of feeling and living like the rockstar you are, Gem!
Romantic
Neither you nor your twin take kindly to being backed into a corner, Gemini. When it comes love, you like to keep it light and the commitment as open and flexible as possible, for as long as possible. The only problem with that is when you find a total catch and the clock is ticking in the 'maybe' zone. This year the stakes are sky-high. If you haven't already landed your dream twin, you will. And if you're still hemming and hawing with the one that arrived in 2014, expect to go committed or go home (alone). The pressure is totally on because Saturn is taking residence in your partner zone for the next few years, Gemini. The cosmic taskmaster doesn't mess around with the superficial and requires the long-haul dedication. You're being tested on your commit-ment level and ability to define the boundaries and structures around relationships. If you abso-lutely don't want or feel ready to settle down, you'll have to define some seriously integrated single-hood for yourself in a way that feels steady and grounded. The point is not to waver or sit on the fence. Try that, and Saturn will most definitely bring you to your knees before the year is finished.
To double-up on this love theme (and you're all about the doubles, twinstar), the North Node of Fate will continue to bless your house of romance again this year. The magic and (possibly ob-session) that began last year could easily go to the next level. If you're not in love with a human, this could be your love of a creative project or child. If you're in the market for making babies, you have the support of destiny to help you bring a new child into this world, even if only a crea-tive baby or adoption of a new pet. The choice is always yours, Gemini. The only caveat in the love department is not to lose touch with your friends by putting all of your eggs in the love bas-ket. Your social circle is starting to miss you and your buddies could totally use some quality time before another year goes by. Finding the balance is never easy or fun, but friends are every-thing.
Career
You're finally feeling unfettered and fancy free in the work department, Gemini. All of the pressure and obstacles you encountered in 2014 should now be put to rest. The only exception comes between late June and September when Saturn backs up into your work zone to help you tie up any loose ends or unfinished business. Be sure you have your daily schedule running like a well-oiled machine by then. That gives you the first half of the year to get your act in tiptop shape, Twinstar. Your creativity is totally off the charts between the ongoing presence of the North Node of Fate amping up your playful side and Jupiter amping up your mental sector with big ideas. Oh, and add the ongoing Neptune brilliance lighting up the top of your chart in the most visionary and inspired way possible. It's nearly impossible for you not to create something gorgeous, glamorous and innovative. You've also got the breakthrough energy of Uranus in your sector of friends and collaborators to assure that you attract some radical thinkers to keep your career path fresh and ahead of the curve. The more you're willing to take risks with your long-term goals and dreams in 2015, the more generous the payback.
June (your birthday season) jumpstarts a crazy productive spell for you, Gemini. You'll have Mars powering up your stars and then Jupiter moving to the base of your chart in August to give you another dose of inspiration and luck. Late September is definitely a total work surge for you when Mars and Jupiter join forces to turn you into nothing short of a creative factory. If you've gotten a bit ahead of yourself, you can use the Venus Retrograde phase to slow down and catch up with your soul. That sweet slowdown comes just in time for summer. If you have failed to take a proper summer vacay in years (which is most likely the naughty case), no more excuses, Twins. This is your year to mix the business with the pleasure for a change. You'll have enough success to finance a killer vacation. What are you waiting for? Get on the horn and put some se-rious leisure time on the 2015 calendar before all of the space gets filled up. You know that when you blink, you're fully booked.
GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)
For nine months of this year, the intense presence of Saturn will be moving through your sector of relationships.
With a potent Solar Return at the start of the year in your sector of possessions, you can find yourself being uncharacteristically much more focused on any commitments you have or taking new romantic opportunities more seriously.
Understanding what you really need in relationships is key to this but also of being conscious of what other people require from you.
Professional hopes are boosted from March 20 for the following six months and you will have an opportunity to demonstrate your flair and creativity and make an impact on decision makers.
Work pressures can be greater across the summer months, but if you adapt your fitness regime and diet you can cope with this well. You could also find yourself more serious about your resources all through this year. You can do very well in any business or enterprise where you use your communicational skills well or through involvement with technology.
As Jupiter moves in August, more homely considerations can occupy your thinking. This can spur you to grow your family, or bring news of a happy celebration from someone else in your clan.
You might even find yourself looking for a new home with a possibility of moving before the year comes to a close, and this can be aided by the Solar Eclipse of October, and Jupiter’s transforming angle to the planet of change, Pluto.
Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.
Tonight I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda. You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone. You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressedin a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts] We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel. We ended up driving on South Shore road and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course. As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...
some thoughts.... 1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No. 2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you 3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy. 4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration? 5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me. 6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no. 7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.
So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.
Gemini, Daily Horoscope, Saturday, September 27th:
Your dedication to someone or something is heightened today, and you may find that your ability to give them what they need is almost magical. Do something big and showy and see what happens.
--this is apparently what I am gearing up to do---something big and showy (cause who dont like a big show?) we shall see how this show goes on...
Home.
Home.
