Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

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Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: July 3rd, 2019

You've got extra support if you look for it. 

It's a good time to crank up your creativity 

and give birth to something new and exciting. 

You can do it by yourself, 

but you might find you get further

 if you draw other people into your plans

 and use their willing help

 to propel your propositions forward.

here is to hoping this Mercury in retrograde don't fuck up my shit. 

that's all...

Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




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Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

coffee thought... Gemini horoscope for May 20 2019

You are on the precipice of a new beginning, dear Gemini. Although this implies that you will just jump right in, it does not actually mean that you have to rush. In fact, you don't have to accept the opportunity of a new beginning at all if you don't want to. You can stick with the same old thing, even though you may not be happy with the status quo. It really is your choice, of course. But if you are brave, you can take a leap of faith and find something much better waiting for you.

well, here is to something new..
oh and by the way only 3 days until my birthday!
gasp~ how is a girl gonna celebrate?
strippers? [no, too greasy...]
penis? [here's to hoping...]
a trip? [why not...]

We shall see...

Getting back to me...

Hello. 

How are you doing?

Nice to see you here. 

I hope you stuck around to see how this here life turned out--- cause I did. 

I mean

I am back

(sort of) 

I am coming back slowly to something of myself

Some semblance of... me 

or 

this new me

this new me that carries these scars

this new me that has this hurt

this new me that has this new pain 

this new me that has this new pain and no new ways of dealing. 

So

I am trying to come back to myself 

come back to the things that make me happy

like

blogging

writing about 

life

stuff

love

hope

dreams

accomplishments

family

just back to me

Yeah,

I thank you for sticking around

and being patient

cause 

GOD is not thru with me yet

and I am not thru yet

and 

I 

am 

coming back

that's all...