My mother
is simply the best (just like her favorite Tina Turner song).
She is the epitome of goodness, giving, strength and love; something I strive to be a fraction of every single day I breathe.
Sadly, she succumbed to a very short and aggressive battle with cancer, gracefully choosing to exit this world to become an angel to us all.
My mother took her last breath around 10:25 pm on Saturday April 5, 2008 surrounded by her children.
I know my mother is watching over us,
as she cared for everyone that entered her life
and prayed for the benefit of all others.
I know she is no longer suffering.
I know she is at peace.
I know…

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity"
Gilda Radner

I am disheartened yet to wise enough to know that death is a part of life,

nothing to be feared and truly nothing that can be stopped.

OK got that part (having lived through various deaths of loved ones who continually have such an impact on my life); and I have FAITH in GOD that everything happens for a reason or reasons and that there is truly purpose to this life being lived.
But
Because it is times like this where I think my comprehension of the education I have acquired in life + the knowledge of I and others + my learned skills make me someone who should "know" things.
Specifically how things like this (life) work.
How one should handle this.
No, I don't claim to be a genius or anything like that.
I play fair, do well always, live in contribution & expect the universe to reciprocate the same.
Well, let's just say there is no manual for dealing with this.
I don't have a rule book and no one sent me the memo
(Thanks)
SO I am stuck
I am not trying to be morbid or anything like that.
Hell, I haven't even admitted truthfully the reality of the situation to myself, for fear my thoughts at 12:25 am will keep me up in a morose and gloomy state.
I dare not go there… I am barely surviving here…
I PRAY for the doctors to be "off" in this aspect, but on point with her treatment.
I fight for the time that we should have, and have FAITH in all that GOD is directing me to do for her, with her.
Am I good enough? Is it enough? I don't know.
And I am confused.
I am confused because how can I think about all the things that didn't happen….
Like committed boyfriend relationship where he meets and admires her leading to marriage, extended family and kids.
Her being there with me through all the good bad ugly and beautifulness of life.
Her helping me pick out curtains, quilts, cutlery for a home where we will live.
Sheep.
Things that I know I took for granted because,

"She has always been there, and always will be there"
I mean isn't that just utterly and purely selfish of me?
So why am I here trying to be unconfused at the current prognosis of her health
The non treatment treatment of the doctors
The grim "you can't do this all by yourself"
And the harsh realization of life
Keep praying, I am not giving up this fight.
It is not time...this too shall pass