coffee thought...

Today I couldn't even have any coffee. After a night of no sleep and
getting to work at 8 am I just couldn't even focus.
So suffice it to say the prevalent thoughts in my life are about the
greatness of the cup of coffee I will get -when I get it today.
that's all...

Update: that didn't happen today. It was coffee-less. And unfulfilling. Eh. Maybe tomorrow.

Yes.

Yes.
I am a natural communicator. I am thrive on effective and consistent
communication and definitely value certain folks feedback. And
criticisms (constructive or not). I love it, because to me it means
(well I interpret that it means- and I may be way off) that a person
cares enough to want to see me do better, grow, learn and am willing
to share that from themselves. That is something I do and am
especially thankful when I am blessed to receive some good feedback.
And conversation. I love conversation. Love it.
But
When it is silenced. When I am silenced. When the conversation is
ceased Trust and believe I learn so much from silence as well.
As much as I thrive on conversation - I live in silence. I Love in
silence. I love the silence. Silence and me are friends (and have been
for quite some years)...
So remember...
Silence is a language too...
And I am very fluent in this language too.

coffee thought

Coffee thought

Tuesday on the city
When it comes right on down to it
It is when you are asked
to use your voice
And stand up
For someone
For what you believe
What do you do?
Are you now unsure?
Will you not?

Get up stand up

coffee thought...

Saturday in the city with no other agenda other than food with a
friend, self care (mani/pedicure), and movies. It is just a day,
doing ordinary things, but when you do ordinary things with
extraordinary folks it just feels better.
Trust me, it does.
And I am clear that I'm gonna miss this.
But just like life, nothing lasts forever.
that's all...

{30 for 30} - day 25

{30 for 30} - day 25

It seems as if
The stars are brighter
And the air is clearer
And the world is
Just a more better place
Because of...

And it seems as if
I can breathe deeper
See clearer
Feel morer
Because of...

And it seems as if
I can hear better
Sing louder
Love harder
Because of...

Yeah
It seems as if...

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Sigh. Incomprehensible
It is not like I can follow instructions such as
Backup
Update
Sync
Presto change-o
You should have a new phone all shiny and new and synced with all your
loverly conversations and pictures and life.
Welp
That has not gone as planned after 4 days of trying to get this dammed
gold phone and then an hour in the Apple Store.
Now, as it stands I can only make 911 calls (which in the grand scheme
of things ain't all that bad) and possibly a FaceTime or 2. Texting.
Nope. Who knows if this blog will go thru
that's all...


Sent from my iPhone

Purpose...

Purpose...

So in doing What I do daily, often often and more often times I feel/
ask: and say: what is the purpose? I mean sometimes 'this work' feels
like it is a lot (but never too much) and I can and do get discouraged
(hey I am human some days and lay down my superwoman cape a time or
two!) well... A fascinating email today...
And I am like oh, word, really?
Wow.
[so I had to be nominated for this award and the sexy young one  a
friend actually wrote a phenomenal essay]
At any rate, it's pretty cool.
And I'm honored to be selected.
and I'm going to be proud of this achievement and what I do daily.
Yay me!

Horoscope: Gemini: April 20th, 2015

How you handle stubborn challenges and blockages right now can establish precedents for the future and habits that you will follow and others will expect. Don't deform, transform. Reform, don't conform. You need to be yourself as much as possible now.

Be yourself. Be myself. Myself. 

Who is that lately? I am being everyone but the kitchen sink and could probably be a good one. Sigh. I need coffee...

That's all...

This is why

I don't care. 

Because 

When I am (or my mind is) someplace that just ain't good...

And I am in one of my many evil moods

Just sometimes 

It would be nice 

If someone attempted 

Tried

Cared enough 

Hell, faked it just once

And endeavored 

Ventured And strived

To get me out of my own head. 

Like really. 

Because

Sometimes 

Most times 

I think it would be nice

If there was 

A proverbial hand to pull me up and out

Or the empathetic ear to listen and shit 

And someone to care to do that 

But 

this is why I don't care

Because

That someone ain't out there 

(And talking to yourself is frowned upon even if you live by yourself or love by yourself)

that's all...

Dreams {30 for 30- day15}

Dreams

My body is tired
my mind is weary
From worry
worrying
about the
Things I want

Like I still want you
And as Sade said
I want you
to want me too

But I have learned
that
my dreams betray me
I can no longer
sleep at nights.
I seek solace
and comfort
yet all I encounter
are rest less nights.
restless nights.

And the terrors
I have
At night
Trembling
Tears
Trying
to understand

How my dreams
Have turned to
Nightmares
And how my
Mindless behavior
Subconsciously
Sabotages my soul
Spoiling my Spirit

My body is tired
my mind is weary
From worrying
about my dreams
Coming true

into the woods...

I took this quiz from (http://higherperspectives.com/relational-psychology-test/) and found the answers (and subsequent questions about my life) very interesting...

Feel free to judge...

This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it!

Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with? Him

As you continue on in your walk through the forest, you come across an animal.

What kind of animal is it? Frog

You come up to the animal.

What does the animal do? Follows & Walks (hops) with me

You’re walking deeper into the woods yet, and you come to a clearing. There’s a house in the middle of the clearing.

How big is it? Is it fenced in or no? Small to medium cottage, low stone homely & Inviting

You walk up to the door of the home and it’s open a bit. You enter and see a table.

Describe what’s on the table. Plates & candles & napkins & fruit and food.

You finish looking around the house and leave out the back door. There’s a huge lawn and in the center is a garden. In the garden, you find a cup.

What is the cup made out of? What do you do with the cup? a big mug- sturdy for the large coffees I love! I pick it up and take it with me (never know when I will run into a Starbucks on my journey...)

As you walk to the end of the garden, you find yourself at a body of water.

What kind of body of water is it? A lake? River? Pond? it is a lake/ very huge river very pretty

You must cross this water in order to get home.

How wet do you get? I swim out to a boat (so very?) and then row the boat.

Ready for some answers?

The person you were walking with is the most important person in your life. Wait...

The size of the animal you come across is a representation of the size of your problems. ok, a cool small frog...

If your action was more severe, it means you tend to be more aggressive. If it was peaceful, then more passive. welp..guess I'm a bit passive...

The size of your home is representative of the size of your ambition. small to medium-- hmmmm

If there was no fence around the home, it means you tend to be more open. stone fence-- that's telling... a damned stone fence, huh?

If what you saw on the table wasn’t food, people, or flowers, it indicates some unhappiness. well there was food & other stuff-- does that mean I am semi-unhappy?

How durable the cup you found was is representative of how strong your relationship is with the person in the first part of the story. What you do with it is representative of your attitude toward them. well the cup is a big mug so I guess its a big thing.. and I take it with me so does that mean I take this relationship with me?

The size of the body of water is related to the size of your sexual drive. gasp! we all knew that...hehehe

If you became very wet, it indicates that sex is important to you. If not very wet, it may mean it’s less important. all the way wet... literally when I think of... anywho glad I can swim, huh...

sooo this means that.... oh boy. I need a drink.

coffee thought...{30 for 30 ~ day 13}

What would you risk for love?

At this juncture in my life
I feel there is nothing greater than love therefore the risk should be just as equal- but on both sides
I know me- I risk my being for the love of someone else {but not just any love because my love ain't any old love}
I risk everything, everything you hear me for love- my comfort zone, my safety net, my facade is removed and my core is revealed. My truth you know.
I am vulnerable.

Exposed. 

Fragile. 

Hoping that if my love sees all this they would still want me
choose me
Love me.
So, what would you risk for love?
So far, I risk me.

that's all...

Loving you {30 for 30- day 9}

Loving you

Is like pouring water

into a closed bottle.

A closed and empty bottle. 

I am pouring and pouring 

and realize

After some time 

That this task is useless

That I am wasting this water 

On this empty vessel

You. 

And I should stop. 

I should not waste 

my water on you 

I should not continue 

To nourish

Feed

Sustain

Cherish

Enhance

Care for

Maintain

Entertain 

You

I'll save my water

For someone 

Who truly 

Appreciates

The wonderful benefits

Of 

My water. 

{30 for 30 ~ day 8}

There are

Some days

Where I

Wish my

Silence was

Visible for

You to

See

Because

On those

Days I

Tend to

Speak louder

Than I

Need to

So that

I can

Confuse you

And then

You won't

Hear my

Deafening cries

Something {30 for 30- day 7}

Was it something
That was done or
was it something I said?
Your actions
My reactions
The silence
The anger
The thoughts of what we had
Not what we have
Maybe it was because
I no longer accepted the lies
And maybe it was because
You didn't even try
But
Definitely because You know
I knew
That I am not the only one
loving you
So
Maybe it was because
It was something I done did
Guess that's this life
And this choice I will no longer have to live.

6 words {30 for 30- day 6}

6 words


I opened
My eyes
For you.

In your voice
I hear truth

In your arms
My soul rests

In your heart
My heart beats

In your words
I know love

It's amazing
How you
Love me

You opened
Your eyes
For me

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Oh boy in in dire need of a substantial cup of coffee today.
I am sleepy and tired and just drained.
Had some crazy ass dreams last night
(With my mom driving me to a pier? Trying to make a cruise on time but this was night, so it was odd that we were rushing but she wasn't going on the boat. And bro 1 was driving in a car behind us- which is weird by itself.)
Anywho I woke up confused.
Need. Coffee. Stat.
that's all...

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You

You happen to be {30 for 30- day 2}

You happen to be
My dreams come true
And you happen to be
Real and tangible
And you happen to be
All the things I said I wanted
And you happen to be
Not deterred or daunted
And you happen to be
Sure of what this is
And happen to be
Secure in all you give
And you happen to be
In love with all of me
And you happen to be
Waiting patiently
You happen to be
Loved by me
Just
happen
to be...

Fool- 30 for 30

Fool

Maybe I'm the fool

For believing in you

Maybe the things you said

All those things

fooled me 

all the time

and maybe

It is at this time

that I regret to inform you

I am no longer a willing participant

in this game we play

I am no longer willing to suit up

Put on all my protective gear

(And Guard my heart most of all)

Against the opposition of you.

i need a more worthy opponent

one that is fair in battle

but then again 

maybe I'm the fool

coffee thought...