I don't know- Saturday 5/30

I don't know
What it says if u don't have coffee all week while on vacation in the
land of my father.
I mean I didn't kill anyone and I was not the coffee monster that
people (-__-) make me out to be - on the contrary I was enjoying my
days and nights in Bermuda.
What is funny is that I slept.
 At nights.
From exhaustion
and lack of coffee..
(except for one night-- but one out of 7 isn't bad)

Bda bike

Just a quick few seconds on the back of the bike in Bermuda with my cousin D.

We were heading from the 24th of May end to end runners to get ready to see the parade.

Let me tell you something, having not been on a bike in years this was fun.

I can only image having to do this every day (but for me the awe in it is the pretty pink houses and the colors and the touristy feel I get to be since I am not in control here)

anywho, family.

just love

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

Some reflections
There was no coffee ingested today.
I don't know what this means for the general population
but truly
I am a person who enjoys the delicious nectar  of life
but am not dependent on it.
(Tho based solely on the reactions of the folks around me
when they find out I have not had my coffee
you would think that I was gonna bite their head off)
I am not that type of lady...
Anywho.. details of travel (and hopefully cake) soon come!

Question of the day (night)

How can it be love if all it does is make you lonely and corrupt ?

that's all...

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

coffee thought...horoscope time

 

maybe...I mean it is Wednesday... happy hump day!

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

and that is a lot of things to say the least

but right now, 

this current date, 5/20/15 

i am thinking about

me

i try not to think about me

 (at all) 

because at a young age

 i was told that thinking about yourself 

leads to narcissism 

and i didn't want to become someone 

that no one could love (except for herself).

and I know that it is interesting 

because 

i try to be someone that promotes 

love of self

 and acceptance

 and acceptance of ourselves

 and others

 yet i definitely leave me out of the equation 

how's that for simply complicated math?

celebrating some things..

flashback to that time we celebrated May Birthdays 

*me* 

and I got recognized for an award for my mentorship services. 

Some folks came out (TD, GG, my boss)

that's all...

I guess

I guess
You'll never know
How much this hurts me
But
This isn't about me
It's
You
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
...
But I guess
It doesn't matter
It isn't important
It is just
What it isn't
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
Wanted to tell you
Wanted to
You
...
But
Like I mentioned
It isn't about me
It's
You
And I guess...

Poem of the day...

Ellipses
(...)
* to be continued...
* to say what needs not be said...
* to imply how sly I really can be (don't trust everything you read...)

So with that being said
I challenge you to fill in the blanks...
Make me understand
Your whole being...
Make me comply
At the meet of my thighs...
Make me answer
The question of your tongues...
You and me
Don't you see
Go on and on
In ecstasy
(...)

believe in yourself...

Sitting here watching "a different world" cause its like been on my Netflix for like the past month or so.  Many many subjects and issues come up but tonight's' lesson is about believing in yourself and your abilities...

I mean what do you believe?

Do you believe the sky is really blue? or is it a reflection of the ocean? how about when you grab a cup of water out the ocean it is clear (well if you are in the Caribbean islands-- if you grab NY water you may get a STD or something-- there is a no swimming clause I have up here...but I digress...) so yeah, if the water we are grabbing from the water is clear then is it a reflection of the sky really being blue?
So are you really________< insert anything you want in there
or are you a reflection of _____________< insert anything else in there-- life, circumstances, social status... like are you a reflection of that or are you really...blue?

Anywho... I'll leave you this...

Believe in yourself...as I believe in you.

(note to self).

coffee thought...

random non-sensical poetry that is easily something I don't understand

I just wish that understand came as easily as breathing.

I just wish that if you say something, like we good you mean it.

I just wish that your actions matched up with your words

Actually I wished your words were more true.

At any rate I wish I never trusted...

No that's a lie

I can't take back the overall amount of good you have been 

just because of this

So with all this...

I wish that you understand what I mean to say

And I wish  you understood what you mean to me

And I wish I understood what I mean to say

And I wish I understood what this means to me

Craziest dream ever

Craziest dream ever

Had s dream I was dating / romantically involved with a paraplegic ?
How'd that happen. Apparently he was Caucasian and rich and we took a
special elevator down to the ground floor of his building with me
walking next to him to try this new thing at Wendy's (chili over tater
tots) and something to drink. I ordered the food and he put it on his
tray to wheel upstairs where we would share a meal. We get to the
elevators and it is mega crowded and we get separated an I end up on
another floor. This floor looks like a courthouse and there are
lawyers there and a tackle with a lot of iPhones on it (all in the
green cases like I own) and lost glassss. I press this buzzer to leave
this area and this nice middle aged back woman starts walking me thru
the hallway saying that he misses me and is probably waiting for me
somewhere. We grab a few (4) throw pillows and go downstairs where we
see him sleeping in the side (there is as huge bed and TV there) and
we start to whisper. She says she'll come up and visit us after her
shift. I say cool and walk over to him and touch his hair (he is semi
smiling since I showed up) and I go to sit down and he lifts the cover
to have me join him. I am concerned about me and putting my body next
to his legs and he was like don't worry . So I slide up next to him
and he positions himself closer. He put his arms around my waist and
says we are going to roll over (?) and we do. So now, we are not
facing a tv but I feel his arms around me (and proceed to mess with
the tiny hair on his arms). He is breathing heavy and asks me what is
my favorite thing. He tells me his is getting ice cream on an hot day
and this feeling with me in his arms. I say my favorite things are
these little hairs on his arms and how human he is and how fragile
life is and how fragile we are (who knows why I says that) he proceeds
to kiss the back of my neck and hair and turns my face toward him and
we kiss and hug and stuff. It is not until 5-10 minutes later that he
refs his head in my chest really hugging me and is breathing normally.
I ask him jokingly is he comfortable and he says of course. I then
tell him let's watch tv and pull him closer so I can spoon him however
when he turns in his back he is in dire pain and says he hates that he
is this (paraplegic) and is in pain in his back. I turn him on his
side and just rub his back as he is frustrated...WTF?
Am i a caretaker now?

Dream 2
We (mom, bro #2, some smiths) were on this beach thing outside waiting
for this carnival to start. We see dancers dressed up and folks in
feathers and gombeys getting ready to move and some crazy looking
people in black and white. All this parade is coming and we are
looking for bro #1 and some other folks. It was odd seeing my mother
in this jovial setting and we are all enjoying the coming parades but
it was odd. And summertime.

that's all for this crazy morning.
I think I need I don't know what this morning ...


Sent from my iPhone