Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Jonathan

a few nights ago i had a dream about this man named Jonathan. why do i know the name? cause apparently he was my husband and he had 2 young age kids (a girl about 6 and a boy about 2) whom I was expected to care for in some capacity. Well there was this discussion with grandma & a few of my good friends in my grandmas living room about our marriage (yeah i was his wife- did I mention that?) and why I was not performing my wifely duties (??) inclusive of sex with him. Now, he was a tall dark-skinned, fit & sexy man who was fairly attractive in my dream- so WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM?? I know in some capacity I was tending to the children and they are well cared for; but right before I went into the inquiry my boss was there (in the kitchen walking towards the hallway) saying something about most people try to use the defense/ excuse of death/ mourning as not to move on. I said to her (with a slightly guilty feeling & attitude to boot) well that is not me, I am not most people.
We head into the living room & he speaks first- speaking to the room of folks gathered to listen to this. He says a few things like he works hard (which I agreed that he does) & he 'loves' me but I don't let him in & how he will try harder to make this work and be more sensitive to me?? Everyone waits for him to finish and he says to prove his point he will sign this contract with me.
Grandma hands him a pen and then looks at me to start my story. I start by saying I am not sure of what to do. (period) One friend (T) says in what way? I say I have no one to show me how to take care of these 2 little kids or how to be a married woman. I go on to say I am scared of everything involved here: being with him in a marriage, being a mother to kids that are not mine, having sex, making a life...I just don't know what I need to do here.
Everyone in the room shakes their head to agree to that (like they know something) and I am like so what does this mean?
Oh, I am looking at Johnathan as I was saying all this and he seemed sympathetic & concerned in my dreams but:
  • what the hell does this mean?
  • am I STILL holding back because of previous incidents & afraid to move on?
  • why am I confused?
  • am I afraid to have sex (gasp!)
  • and really, the man of my dreams comes with 2 small kids that I have to be a mother to?
  • are dreams an insight to your soul or just random thoughts that run thru your head freely at night cause truly some of the dreams I have had are questionable....
sigh, what's a girl to do?

coffee thought...

tea time today as we get into this fall term
& working work out!
have a great day
that's all...

Monday, September 28, 2009

coffee thought...

ok so i am hungry as he!!.. and i had a bowl of cereal @ 7 am...
so my thought today is should i eat my lunch @ 10 am (i made a sandwich- turkey on wheat)?? would that be wrong?
oh yeah no $= no java....
this should be good...
that's all...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

raindrops

Distort that which i see
The visions of the world
are sprinkled with rain
Making everything all jeweled & sparkly.
Can you see the beauty in this?

Friday, September 25, 2009

coffee thought...

I suspect this cup was from a once cool & hip coffee spot that got cast aside due to the economy & recession. Nice cup colors though...
that's all...

Monday, September 21, 2009

coffee thought...

???
there is no coffee today since i am crazy busy being someone i am not
who is not myself
which is sad cause i miss me
that's all...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

coffee thought...

Good morning.
I don't understand how as intelligent black women/ men/ child, HELL intelligent homo sapiens we avoid what we should do like the plague but are quick to continue on the behavior that is not making anything better.
Case in point I have a few friends who could not even tell you the last time they went to the doctors office for a routine checkup or physical let alone gone to the dentist. Really? Is this your stock answer feigning ignorance? There is a certain amount of personal responsibility that we must hold ourselves to. There is but so much I (and others) can do for you. If that means me holding your hand while you go so be it. But just FYI we need to go to the doctor. STAT.
that's all...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

coffee thought...

today i had the pleasure of enjoying a Dunkin Donuts java while I waited for the alternate side street parking to end (which I really don't understand since no once did the street sweeper come down the block... was this just in case they wanted to clean the street but wasn't really gonna do it?) at any rate there is this whole different hustle & bustle in the mornings with the school buses doing pick-up/ drop off, delivery trucks doing the same and LOUD school children right across the street from my house just being loud children.
thoughts (when there are LOUD childs waking you up) are for a nice garage to park the car in to avoid all this...
someday we'll all be free.

that's all...
OH... ponder this!

Monday, September 14, 2009

buttons

Look I am domesticated!

I actually sewed on these buttons that I finally purchased! (the button on the bottom)

((yes it is only 1 button there))

backstory--> found the dress, it was $32.00 on sale for 50% off (really a good deal) but was missing 3 of 8 buttons. So I got the dress for $10.00 and figured how hard could it be to sew on a few tiny buttons? I mean I am an intelligent chick, self- sufficient, handy and all that jazz, how much should buttons cost? how hard could it be?

Well fast forward a whole season &1/2 (cause I didn't look for buttons last year at all and then shit happened...) suffice it to say dress was still hanging in my closet with the tags still on it.

So finally I decide to just do it and go to some buttony place in NYC to purchase some much needed buttons (guess how much the buttons cost?? $10.00)

keeping tally- dress price was $10.00 has now increased to $20.00...

Then I need to go purchase a needle & thread because who keeps a needle & thread handy? Maybe those women who undoubtedly have various shades of lipstick in their purses to match any of the clothing options of the day, or possibly former girl scouts who have that always be prepared attitude... or women who are just them damn handy dandy women in general.. at the end of the day not I.
(my moms did tho..)

Add another $4.99 for the needle/thread + $5.00 on cupcakes & tea I purchased (to help the process of course)

total dress cost is NOW: $29.99

Then it is time to sew.

I pop in a good sewing movie to get motivated (Pride because I figure I will have pride when I am done with this sewing project) and proceed to sew.

start time: 9:56pm

Attempt to thread needle #1... I can totally see why my mother and Nannie used to call me to thread the needles for them when I was little. Clearly your eyesight + little fingers make for better handling of the needle/thread.
needle threaded & knotted after attempt # 4 (attempt #'s 1,2,3 failed miserably as thread got knotted midway through, then once not at all & I can't even begin to explain what happened after that last one)
15 minutes & 1 button later I declare it is time for a sewing break and must get cupcake for motivation.

break time: 10:21 pm.

after cuppa cake and washing of hands and admiration of handy work on 1 button figured I should sew on the other 7.

resume work: 11:10pm

proceed to sew on 3 more buttons, chat on phone, really intently watch movie concentrating on the form of the swimmers specifically Hakim (Nate Parker)...yummy.

movie ends approximately midnight... just in time for another break and possibly another cupcake +tea.

12:33 am: talk to friend on phone who seriously doubts the sewing aspect of this mission.

12:38 am: Seriously doubt the relationship of this friendship...

12:40 am: re-thread needle & thread (got it on the first time this time! go me!)

resume sewing buttons in earnest: 12:45 am after doing celebratory dance

sew on 1 button & take a potty break at 12:52 am

re-resume sewing on buttons 12:56 am.

decide I need new movie to watch: 12:56:36 seconds.

1:06 am- put in Daddy's little girls (ummm Idris) because hey she is an educated, talented achieving female who I am sure could sew on a button if need be. He is an educated (tho not formally), chocolate, sexy, supportive, decent and loving man who could motivate me to do just about anything (do you want some money baby? how about some chicken wings??) I digress...

watch movie, drool, sew, contemplate another cupcake, decide against that, sew, drool and watch more movie & finally

completion: 1:58 am.

I could take a picture and show you the actual completed button sewing masterpiece but since it is such a personal victory I will leave that to ya'll wonderful imaginations. Suffice it to say that as I was sewing on a total of 8 buttons a few things ran thru my mind:

  • I would never be able to work in a sweat-shop cause I would be fired for just plain not being able to thread a needle efficiently.

  • Nate & Idris are super sexy & fine- indeed I am in love

  • I think I need new glasses

  • Chocolate cupcakes (while excellently chocolaty good) DO NOT adequately substitute for...

  • hmmm yummy black men

  • Them Africans can sew.

    While I was in Ghana they whipped up my dress (whole dress not 8 buttons in 24 hours) tailored to my measurements. twenty-four hours; nuff said.

estimated cost to make dress:

you figure about $5.75/hr (min wage?) @ 4hrs= $23.00

grand total of dress= $53.00

Pride in completing project= near priceless!

coffee thought...

i am so thinking about what i would do if
i had no real responsibilities and
just had endless amounts of money to support my basic necessities.
would i just be able to enjoy life?
drink coffee in the park in the am?
or still be on the hustle & bustle of the world...?
that's all...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

coffee thought...

so it is kind of late in the day for coffee but the thought is still there.
so this morning i made a cup of joe while i was eating my continential breakfast at the loews philadelphia after a very chill weekend. the major thought that was in my head (then) and now is umm how come when i call you dont answer but here i am expected to answer you everytime? ponder this please...
that's all...

Friday, September 11, 2009

9/11- 8 years later

11-Sep-09 9:18 AM
it is without a doubt one of the more defining moments in our time
our history and
our character.
as Americans and citizens of this world the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the flight that went down in the field in PA
we remember and pause to reflect.
I recall the emotions that surrounded us all that day the un-realness of it all.
Is it a bad dream and please let it be over soon feeling.
The OH My God is such & such OK, where is this person can u contact mom, the I'm scared feelings.
The race to get out of the city to bring oneself closer to the family I loved.
Me & my friend Samantha a Puerto Rican from the Bronx who converted to Islam trying to make it home & the overt predijuces and hatred of the people surrounding us on that day.
The sense of impending uncertainty that hovered.
The sense of relief when we made it to the Bronx.
The silence of the skies and the presence of an ak47 on the MTA.
The days that followed where we could not get into the city unless absolutely necessary.
The truths that followed by the lies that led.
I will never forget those who gave their lives on that day and the days that followed to this day so that we can be
American
and thus with all the privilidges and rights that are associated with it.
I will never forget.

coffee thought...


in just black and white the thought is this:

how can something in your mouth make you so happy?

hmmmmm

that's all...


Natasha Bean

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

WANTS

i want somebody to walk up behind me &
kiss me on my neck & breathe on my neck.
been such a long time
i forgot that i was fine.
just kiss me on my neck & breathe on my neck.

i could not have said it better myself....

To thine own self be true

I read that years ago and (complete with the following passage of and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. ) I thought oh Shakespeare what a wise soul you be; what sage advice you have to offer sir.
Now how many times have I actually followed this advice? I would like to say always (I am rarely coerced into something that does not suit me but is that just me still always being true to myself? or is that just being stubborn??)
I have often said and did things that I wanted to do. And still I strive to find out what I really want to do all in the same breath. it is maddening...this whole being true to myself without cause or concern but with honestly and openness and then being satisfied and happy with these results.
sheesh...
i need a V-8.

I wonder how it is all gonna end... like these chapters and the passages of my life are a great story (in my head) and sometimes I want to skip to the "good" parts (i.e. sex, love, rock & roll) so that all this anticipation is not for naught.


Friday, September 04, 2009

song of the moment...

Why was I born?
Ella Fitzgerald


Spending these lonesome evenings with nothing to do but to live in dreams
that I make up all by myself.
Dreaming that you’re beside me, I picture the prettiest story
only to wake up all by myself
What is the good of me by myself?

Why was I born?
Why am I living?
What do I get?
What am I giving?
Why do I want a thing I darn't hope for?
What can I hope for? I wish I knew.

Why do I try to draw you near me?
Why do I cry? You never hear me?
I'm a poor fool but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

I'm a poor fool but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

(For clarification, NO I am not in love with anyone so this song is not about anyone & that in itself is sadder than this pining thing Ella has going on. I identify with the lyrics cause just 5 seconds ago I was asking myself why was I born.)

coffee thought...

it is Friday and I have my cup of coffee in hand.
so far so good.
currently thinking how I should celebrate this Labor Day weekend since I have been laboring so much it is truly ridiculous.
maybe a good sleep shall do it.
that's all...