Choice is a wonderful thing. From when I can remember we wanted freedom of choice we fought for it, and everyday there is a struggle to maintain it (even in the simplest forms). When your choices are limited or non-existent then you are left with limited outcomes (save for the random anomalies called life) but in essence, if you limit choices given to children, women, human beings then you are stunting the possibilities that may arise.
This past weekend I went to a reunion of sorts- basically my old music and arts school was closing its doors for good (considering there is limited funding for the arts & minimal to no funding from the Archdiocese). There was major trepidation walking the same steps I used to take to SASA- this time I was walking there as an 'adult'- full of grown folk swag and grown folk sexy (and let's not forget grown folk bills & grown folk student loans). There was something different about this trip down memory lane to my school (it is not like I don't frequent the church there cause I do) and there have been some significant events there but I mean what was astoundingly different was me.
I was not the insecure little 10-14 year old struggling with perceived weight issues and raging hormones (wait, I am supposed to be different, right?) I am the 30+ year old... no... That is too easy. While we all know of my 'issues' this visit with the ole gang made me realize what an impact the teachers had on my life and have shaped the choices I have made. What is really inspiring is that we had such an amazing educators that truly wanted the best for the inner-city kids that we were and supported and encouraged and damn near pushed us to better.
Back to choice: I was given the choice to play violin or viola. I choose violin (considering by best friend Elaine was playing that as well). Unfortunately, due to limited funding, there were not enough violins to go around and I got the Viola. Viola! It was not all or nothing- it was you still got to do something and learn that and be stellar at that. I did. First chair by 6th grade. NY Allstate orchestra by 9th grade. Some things seem easier when looking at life via the hindsight lenses. Nowadays I tend to get stuck at making a choice (you know to move away or stay, to continue to write this book that has been burning in my spirit or to chuck it all, etc, etc.)
I tend to be irrational about what I can accomplish. I tend to make everything all or nothing. If my life were a poker game I rarely go all in cause I don’t want to be left with nothing pushing back from the table to sell myself on the side to get a greyhound home. I don’t want to be irrational with my choices; I mean I am the responsible designated driver chick who is always there in a pinch. Sometimes it is so stifling.
Anywho, most times truthfully I under whelm myself- I under estimated myself with the amount I am capable of. I figured it was easier that way ...i.e. less to get disappointed about when/ if things didn't go my way. Or the right way. Or the way that I thought was right/my way. You get the point. It also left me with less to celebrate and less to conquer figuring I am accepting my piece of life rather than creating my slice of the pie. (Go figure, me being an immensely creative person if I do say so myself)
This world truly is an abundant place and yet most times I feel as if I don't have enough- silly of me to think that God didn't provide me with enough to live.
And so I lived small (what an oxymoron- cause how can you call it living when to live is to be alive and appreciate the gifts that you have received and reciprocate)
And because I lived small I am not satisfied with this outcome. What a wonderful thing it is to have options
And I choose different.
All in?
