Tuesday, November 17, 2015

coffee thought...


It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

You're all I need to get by...

Like sweet morning dew/
I took one look at you/
And it was plain to see/ 

That you are my destiny...

There is something about this song (Aretha Franklin version, thanks) that makes it easier to believe there is someone out there willing to love and support you and know that
you are my destiny.
It is a great great tune to like ascribe to someone who you does all these things for your love.
Stand by you like a tree...
And it is reciprocal because...
Darling in you I found...

Sigh...
It is something that I tend to think of describes my love with the man of my dreams--
the currently elusive man of my dreams
 but the myriad of love of and from the man of my dreams would kinda be set to the tune of this song.
Along with I want your sex..
And freak in you...
And 1/2 on a baby...and well you get the point.
Sorry I digressed...
that's all...