wednesday

i am bored with my life.
yeah bored.
as in (& maybe i should be careful what i ask for...)
but i have nothing to look forward to right now.
i am searching for purpose
i am trying to be alright, hell great dammit.
i am continuously looking for love.
i am contemplating going back to school (???)
i am writing...
but none of it excites me
maybe this is what my 30's are supposed to be like... non excitement + the hum drum mundaneness of everyday routine
wake up, wash, commute to work, work, answer questions, forage for food somewhere thru the day, commute to home, maybe a lil tv, music reading, sleep.
repeat.
boring right?

i need a new hobby...

thanks Bek!

thanks Bek...
(www.smartcookies.com)

And while I was joining the site I had to check a "new box" (31-40)
GASP!!!!
depression starts...

followed by the marital status box (single)
depression continues...

should i even continue?

(yes i am being sarcastic--I have a window in my office & the day is beautiful outside so even these new boxes ain't gonna depress me)

poem of the day

Dedicated to _____& _____

This is what love is…

Yes, this is what our love is…

Red roses & candle lit nights

Definitely part of the mix

(Cause we are the romantic types)

Singing love songs in the dark

Taking long walks through Crotona Park

Sharing the deepest secrets of our hearts

This is what love is…

Yes this is what our love is…

Merely me running fingers through your hair

Your calling me anytime of day

Just to say, “Hun, I do care”

All of this equals our one love

Because

This is what love is…

Yes this is what our love is.

Grocery shopping (just me & you)

Holding hands in prayer

This is just what we do

Because

This is what love is…

Knowing when I am wrong

You will be there to make it all right

Comforted in the knowledge

You are here every single night

Kissing your shoulder blade on your right arm

Trusting your actions and words will do me no harm

I say this to all those who question me & you

Simply put, they can never know the depths of

What true love can do.

This is what love is

Yes this is what our love is.

coffee thought...

it is a beautiful day in in the neighborhood
oh would you be mine?
could you be mine?

that's all...

friday night hang out

battery park pictures

look at the sunset over the water Hudson

&

times square
("I knew we were going to run into Diddy...he run the city")

Sculpture:
love is like dancing when you don't even move...
random cell phone pics...

.... ._ .... ._

(In case you don't know Morse Code the title says Ha ha)

(and of course that says Google)

cheers!

Alone with my thoughts

i think too much about you.
and just thinking about you makes me sick.
i think my fear of me keeps me with you.
i have known you for oh so long- really has it been that long?
we are familiar
like the wind and earth
we are a part of each other.
something i can't deny.
a piece of me always belongs to you

i thought you were my strength, the coat of armor i wore so proudly
alone i could not get hurt.
with you i developed my habits
walking alone
eating alone
sleeping alone
being alone
alone

i stayed from hurt
from interaction and from an experiential point of view love.
because i saw (thru others) what it is like to not be with you
to be entangled with anyone other than you
to be hurt
pained
destroyed
those aches made you more bearable.
with you i thought i was ok-
never too happy but not all the time sad enough to want to leave you entirely
alone
i mean why? like i said we are familiar & with that i feel secure.

i wish you would leave me
alone
so that i can know and experience more.
i wish i could bravely walk away knowing that
i will never return to you
well not never
but never run to you only as a way of being
alone
but like the moon and stars
and skies above the clouds
i must acknowledge you
know you
and understand you to be free

Earth DAY

happy earth day
go hug a tree
and be green
(remember Kermit says it's not easy being green but I am a firm believer that anything worth having isn't all that easy to begin with!)

Rainy day 4 me blues

Today was one of the reflective days.
It started with a wake up text from him* which is odd since #1- i stopped talking to him & #2 he has no text plan to my knowledge & #3 it was 7 am. Not a good look but i had to get up to take the car to the shop to get an oil change and all that jazz.
he text me to rise & shine on this monday mornin.
i texted him he better have a good reason for this text this early
he text he was @ work since 3:30 am thinking about me.

I made me some breakfast (cap n' crunch w/ crunchberries picked out) and went on my way. stopped for java (love love love coffee made RIGHT) and made it by 10:20 am for my 10 am appt. And there I sat & waited. Just sitting and waiting. Checked FB via phone. Checked my girls blog (startling info) & waited. Listened to my ipod & waited. The thing about waiting is it gives u plenty of reflection time for all the things I try to avoid by keeping oh so busy (and the fact that it was raining ain't help)
what does a girl think about as she is waiting for the verdict on the car?

• noticeably there are few women in the shop (total 3 including myself) and the other 2 women had men with them- significant others. what makes them significant in my eyes is the fact that they are there sitting & waiting with said female. i am wondering where is my other (significant or not) to sit with me and wait.
• i wonder how long i can hold my breath
• i think about my job and all the craziness that is involved with people sending their babies to college- the financing of it all, the people who don't have any $$ but still insist on getting their kids the best education they think they can afford- even if that means borrowing loans until them+kids are nearing 60+
• i wonder if i can lick my elbow
• i wonder if he can lick my elbow
• i wonder if he remembers kissing my fingertips and professing some kind of deep love for me
• i can hold my breath for 28 seconds
• i wonder when i will be able to stop marking time with events of the previous year since April 20, 2008 is when we had a memorial service for Mom.
• i think about all the damn merchandising for Mother's day that is all ready all over and upon us and am like sheesh, was it always this prevelant and i just didn't know about it?
• i think about one of the women sitting here w/ her beau and she looks terribly peeved at him or maybe their prediciment or maybe that is just her disposition on life- yet she has a man
• i think I am cuter than she is
  
• i wonder if my dad knew how to fix cars
• i think about my father's cooking (he used to sing while he cooked)
  
• i wonder if I can afford the work that is being done on the car and are they ripping me off cause I am a girl (with no man<- how it always comes down to this huh?) and thus don't know if I really need a $75 air filter for the car.
• i text him back and ask if $75 is too much for an air filter [<--smooth avoidance of the previous text from him]
• he text yes, most i should pay is $35
• i think about why this shop it trying to rip me off & pray the brakes i am paying for actually work when i attempt to stop the car
• i wonder how long i will have to wait- not wait sitting idle but actively be in pursuit of; wanting&needing&desiring of a man- I'll give it 28 seconds this time around cause these past 30+ years is a bit long
  

the list goes on when my mind wanders on nothing in particular and the things i settle on make me kinda sad to think about. like why do i focus on things in the past (loves lost, parents gone, singledome) that makes me kinda blue.
i need some chocolate and more coffee.
maybe a mindless movie to get my mind to just stop thinking

what we Idol...

what amazes me about people is our ability to be quick to judge without reason or basis;
just pure speculation & their own thoughts of superiority rightness to hold them up.
why?
i am sure by now that you have heard about Susan Boyle, the woman on Britain's got talent show (see clip here) that pretty much awed and amazed the crowd-inclusive of Simon Cowell. Instantly the audience dismissed her based purely on that first impression: on her nervousness & not perfect society package wholly summed up her being.
When this 42 year old woman walked out with her close set eyes, noticeable unruly hair & above average weight from a size 8 person...well the crowd and the judges did just that- judged her on that impression alone. Her thick accent, proclamation that she lives with her cat pebbles, took care of her mom up to her death & never been married or kissed completed the picture indeed. (someone insert picture here)
And while we're at it could someone please tell me what of that would equate to not being able to sing or have talent?? Well they asked what she will sing and she opened her mouth to sing a song from Les Miserables and from her first note the audience/ judges and world was hooked.
She undoubtedly had a voice...better than most out there in the music business today.
She had range and what she lacked in blatant showiness she made up in heart and talent.
People sat there mouth agape blatantly in shock that this not picture perfect package could produce anything remotely like this sound.

I am beyond incensed at the gall of people (who immediately inserted foot in mouth & gave her a standing ovation & all). what just cause you are not "__"<--- insert something there, you can't sing? you can't have talent? you can't ___? [i am at a loss of words it seems]

YET

i am thankful for her to have this opportunity to show the world where true beauty lies...not always on the outset that we as women are continuously trying to conform to and become apart of and be accepted by.

The idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and thus making just about everyone beautiful to someone is lost on a majority of this society we live in. Just think about the standards we are trying to conform to?

• ideal size ___?
• length of hair___?
• curly,thick or straight__?
• *skin color*___?
  
• boobs___?
• flat ass stomach___?
  
• booty like whoa...unreal.

think of how imposing these standards on little girls today (& women alike) and how we are cultivating their body image from young...hell remember the Summer Olympics where Chinese officials used one girls voice to sing a song & put this other more aesthetically pleasing chick out on display...imagine both of their resultant life experiences: one possibly feeling she will not be good enough to represent her own voice vs. one who will probably be treated some way cause of her looks.
Yeah, this is the society we live in.

WEIGHT...
wait...
y'all ain't ready for that...

coffee thought...

so i didn't have time to stop and gab my cup of java...
but here it is one hour and eighteen minutes into my work day
AND I NEED A FIX..
so i take my cup to go make a cup a tea
and what is up front there in my office?
A CARAFE of COFFEE!

this is proof that

• there is a GOD
• SHE is a coffee drinker...

that's all...

coffee thought...

is it a sign when even my coffee is reminding me to pay my bills?
or am i reading too much into my cup?
hmmmm

that's all...

good friday= go fly a kite!

but not in that get-out-my-face way..
In Bermuda, on Good Friday it is a public holiday where one of the traditions are to go fly a kite.
this tradition (explained here) states:

There is said to be a special Bermuda civilian religious significance to kite flying. It started on Good Friday when a local teacher with a British Army connection had difficulty explaining Christ's Ascension to Heaven to his Sunday School class. So he launched a kite with a likeness of Christ. A traditional Bermuda made kite, from different colors of tissue paper, is still in the shape of a cross

I think that is such a neat idea & remember my dad actually taking us to Van Courtland park and flying a kite on one Good Friday. The whole experience with a picnic and sandwiches are really kind of vague to me many years later but I do distinctly remember a kite+ good Friday= a Bermudian tradition.
Some days (more than not) I wish I were on a tiny island...

coffee thought...

09-Apr-09
on the way to work i think i am the almost clearest in my purpose in life.
i use those 55 minutes to block out the rest of the world (as blocked out but in tuned in & aware one can be) & think about what i should be doing in this world to make my commute less time or less travelsome (bus to train to a good 8 minute walk) everyday there is a new adventure- somedays the bus moves with a purpose while on others it moves like a tortoise. the train aka the bane of my existence flows like water going downstream... or on other days u would think we are trying to go the wrong way down a crowded one way street...you just never know...

Happy Birthday Dad

April 8- Jan 13
i need some cake
in order to celebrate

holiday?

Billie Holiday's birthday today April 7th...

one of my favorite singers of all time..

Macy's Flower Show

i am truly my mothers child-- i mean i love flowers and took an impromptu trip to Macy's flower show on 34th street.. this is typically where they gussy up the store with real flowers the week preceding Easter and it is beautiful.. pics from the camera phone...

(in the midst of one of the
best most crowded &
famously recognized
shopping places in the world
i heart NY)

04/05...10:25 pm

10:25 pm is the witching hour of my life...
similar to when i look up at the clock either in the morning or evening when i catch a glimpse of 9:11 it definitely touches me. so 10:25 is similar in that sense.
it has been a year.
to the date.
to the moment that has pretty much defined how i lived my past year...in mourning and grief (but a functioning mourner and griever nonetheless).
it annoys me to no end that there are things she wont see me accomplish or be here to actually meet and greet (like this future love of my life when i get a man- oh wait that may not happen...) or when i get my first house (hmm considering the student loan debt i have that is equivalent to the gdp of an emerging nation...)
i digress...
today i went to church & prayed the rosary (really the last few parts that i rememberered & was there for) and watched a bad # of children act out immeasureably while the preacher was delivering his word. apparently i turned and gave then the church woman look that said 'if ya'll dont sit your behinds still so help me god i will help u meet your maker today' suffice it to say they chilled out. after mass, Mike & i went and got Mel to go to the cemetary and visit dad who is still without a grave marker and prayed.
the weather was lovely. then we went to brunch (considering it was 2pm) and then to the park where we sat and reminisced about mom/dad/ lisa/ all the folks that passed and the different things of out childhood that we missed and loved to do.

inveritably the coco icee dude showed up and we got some (the 1st of 2009) and the talked some more. it was a decent day after all, not spent alone or morbid thinking thoughts that i thought would be thought. (you know i think i think too much) not too many tears (not that tears are bad...) but funny how i arrive here, 10:25 pm... thinking how much she would have enjoyed today and just the peace that we had.

You are truly loved & missed MOM

The TIME draws near

i wish it would draw a prettier picture while we are at it... but the truth of the matter is it aint so pretty.
i have not been blogging much because my mind has been racing past the typing fingers of my body which leaves me to my wildly imaginative thoughts which is basically just me not typing cause i choose not to. that plus i am so so very busy @ work delicately balancing this managerial thing while maintaining me the caring counselor (so thankful to have a job) + trrying to get out and not go home to constantly empty apartment. then i am reading 3 books (the one from steve harvey, a fiction love like one & one about grief) that grief one i started put down and the restarted a bit cause i guess it is something i have to confront.
yeah the days are getting closer to that day...that day that haunts me to this day and every other day. not to celebrate it but acknowledge it, that is what i want i hope.
i dunno. i guess time really waits for no one