coffee thought...

Things happen when they are supposed to happen. There is no pushing or prodding that you need to do. All you must do is be prepared. That is the current analogy of my life- things happen when they are gonna.


Why so philosophical in the am? Well a few reasons- 1) I am up. I put my car on the wrong side of the road- the side where I got to wake up at 7 am to move the car. It forced me to shorten my sleep and get up and go. Now while I was gonna drive all the way to work and just pay for parking and suck I up cause I am blessed to be able to do that if need be- a parking space opened up for me. Yes. That works. So now I was in place for Thursday and can get into work early. 2) I waked to the bus and met bro #2 there and we took the bus together. He is one funny dude pre coffee- laughing at this kid who momma just gave home some act right on public transportation. I would say I miss those days, but that is one thing I DO NOT miss from my childhood. 3) do you recall that last year...oh about March 2011 I sent a package to my cuzzo in Bermuda? Well  apparently between US customs and BDA customs and the Bermuda Triangle, it was never delivered. I filed a complaint, called US and BDA customs, and was generally irate about the whole situation. I spent $30 on the darn shipping + $$ on the items inside + handmade my Aunt a card to lift her spirits as she is/was in cancer treatments and wanted to send a lil note. Darn thing was never delivered and I truly felt bad and ashamed cause I kept promising my cuzzo that I would re-purchase the items and send to her and she was like she will send me more $$ and I was like no, she never got the items in the first place so why make her pay again. Truthfully, I was also ashamed and didn't go to BDA last year as I felt with this box not being delivered my integrity/ honesty was in question and my ability to mail a box was questioned. [I know...I know...]
Fast forward 14 months....

colorful arse box...probably what triggered the 14 month inspection...

The box "arrives" in Bermuda, and my cuz receives a "come pick up your package" slip.
REALLY?
She busted out laughing at this. The post office lady in BDA said, hmmm from March, this usually don't take this long to get here... She told her to check the dates on the stamps and slip and when she saw it was over a year ago, she was flabbergasted! She could not verify how long it was in BDA customs or if it was truly just received.
REALLY?
Well, I am glad she received the items as I really wanted her to receive the things I sent (of course) and I really wanted my Aunt to get her card. My Aunt called me yesterday to thank me for the card, as she was having a rough day yesterday and this lifted her spirits.
This box arrived right when it was supposed to.
God works in mysterious ways.
I guess good thing nothing was time sensitive in there... (or worse).

Oh, let's check my horoscope:

Gemini Horoscope for May 30, 2012

Instead of trying to schedule every minute of your busy day, let things unfold naturally. Calendars and alarm clocks are useful, but they can inhibit your creativity and interfere with a day's natural rhythm. Take off your watch, and mark time by the quality of the light outside your window. Think of your daily tasks in a looser, more relaxed way -- don't worry about sticking to a plan. This will free up your energy and keep ideas flowing all day long.

sounds like a plan. I love it when i am in tune with the world...makes me feel more connected, more sane, more. 
that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought..

This morning started rough. Woke up to the smell of hot garbage (I left my window open and the lovely NYC sanitation workers were shuffling thru). Not the most pleasant aroma let me tell you. Showered, changed. Debated a new outfit. Changed. Was on my way out the door- stopped to see grandma. Helped her dress and clean up. Taking it all in. It is hard (again) and watching folks realize how hard care taking and caregiving is- coupled with their own 'lives'. It is hard. Walk up the block to miss the EMPTY #21 bus. Walk down the hill, miss a #55&#15 bus. Nice. It is already one of them Monday's. I hop the next bus- get to my train- delays on the 5 due to police investigation. Great. My 5 becomes a 2& still we going crazy slow. Calgon take me away.
Me

coffee thought..

Coffee thought

Sigh. Cest la vie

So many things I'll guess you'll never know how much I tried I really tried.

not ok not today

I have been crying on and off all day trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Typically on any given Saturday in May I am out driving around 'searching' for something to do/ hanging out, doing things that have my mind occupied and living.  I have been crying on and off all day- beating myself up with the range of emotions and feelings that have been going on- and it ain't even that time of the month. I feel like such a failure in life, specifically in love and romance. I have not had a committed relationship.  I have not been romantically linked to any male entity in what seems like two decades.  I feel that because there is no romantic love in my life I am definitely not worthy of love.  I feel that everybody else in this world (or my immediate family & friends world) has and have received and are in love and have husbands, wives, kids, significant others that give them something to live for. Right now, I don’t have anything remotely like that in my life and feel truly like giving up. I feel like the wish, hope, dream that someone will love me is truly that- a far off wish a diminished hope and a pipe dream. I cry tears for the love that I feel is no-where in my life. I cry tears for the emptiness that I feel. I cry tears for the ‘family’ that I will never have. At almost 36 years old there is not much I should be in flux about- but here I am.  And then the tears. And who can I call on and try to get some motherly advice. Whom can I call on to say, you are ok Tasha, you are doing ok and someday someone may love you.

I have been crying about my mother for the past few days because with this entire mother’s day stuff it is extremely overwhelming. It is extremely irrational to feel like a motherless child because I had my mother in my life for damn near 32 years.  I want peace, comfort, love, support something and there is no where I can find that. Not in my home. Not in my head. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. I feel crazy in a very real and tangible way- yet I can’t be crazy. I am the responsible one.  I am the one who has to hold it all together.

I am watching my grandmother go thru this cancer treatment and in and out the hospital. She is asking me to recall and re-live the similarities that her treatment is vs. my mother’s short lived fight.  I try to explain to her that they had different cancers and different treatment options and my mother only had less than two months of active treatment before she passed away. The fact that grandma has surpassed that already + her 87 years is something already.  I try to be comforting and uplifting, and supportive to everyone around me. I try to keep it together. I try not to feel envious that some of my friends and family have their mothers actively in their lives (for better or worse) and I don’t get to have mine. I don’t get to complain about my mother interfering with my choices. I don’t get to have my mother to buy a stupid mother’s day card for, or take her to dinner or go on a trip with. I don’t get my mother to wish me any more happy birthdays or anything like that. I just don’t get it anymore.

And I am supposed to be ok.

And yes, I went to therapy-- two years worth. Some things help (some guilt has been resolved) and other things left un-done.

Still not ok.

google doodle '12

It

It

It is what it is
it will always be
what it is
don't expect for it to be
Nothing
but what it is