not ok not today

I have been crying on and off all day trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Typically on any given Saturday in May I am out driving around 'searching' for something to do/ hanging out, doing things that have my mind occupied and living.  I have been crying on and off all day- beating myself up with the range of emotions and feelings that have been going on- and it ain't even that time of the month. I feel like such a failure in life, specifically in love and romance. I have not had a committed relationship.  I have not been romantically linked to any male entity in what seems like two decades.  I feel that because there is no romantic love in my life I am definitely not worthy of love.  I feel that everybody else in this world (or my immediate family & friends world) has and have received and are in love and have husbands, wives, kids, significant others that give them something to live for. Right now, I don’t have anything remotely like that in my life and feel truly like giving up. I feel like the wish, hope, dream that someone will love me is truly that- a far off wish a diminished hope and a pipe dream. I cry tears for the love that I feel is no-where in my life. I cry tears for the emptiness that I feel. I cry tears for the ‘family’ that I will never have. At almost 36 years old there is not much I should be in flux about- but here I am.  And then the tears. And who can I call on and try to get some motherly advice. Whom can I call on to say, you are ok Tasha, you are doing ok and someday someone may love you.

I have been crying about my mother for the past few days because with this entire mother’s day stuff it is extremely overwhelming. It is extremely irrational to feel like a motherless child because I had my mother in my life for damn near 32 years.  I want peace, comfort, love, support something and there is no where I can find that. Not in my home. Not in my head. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. I feel crazy in a very real and tangible way- yet I can’t be crazy. I am the responsible one.  I am the one who has to hold it all together.

I am watching my grandmother go thru this cancer treatment and in and out the hospital. She is asking me to recall and re-live the similarities that her treatment is vs. my mother’s short lived fight.  I try to explain to her that they had different cancers and different treatment options and my mother only had less than two months of active treatment before she passed away. The fact that grandma has surpassed that already + her 87 years is something already.  I try to be comforting and uplifting, and supportive to everyone around me. I try to keep it together. I try not to feel envious that some of my friends and family have their mothers actively in their lives (for better or worse) and I don’t get to have mine. I don’t get to complain about my mother interfering with my choices. I don’t get to have my mother to buy a stupid mother’s day card for, or take her to dinner or go on a trip with. I don’t get my mother to wish me any more happy birthdays or anything like that. I just don’t get it anymore.

And I am supposed to be ok.

And yes, I went to therapy-- two years worth. Some things help (some guilt has been resolved) and other things left un-done.

Still not ok.

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