Sunday, March 29, 2015

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 
You question major commitments and decisions
 you have made in the past,
 such as career choices, 
place of residence, 
marriage and other major relationships. 
This is a time of self-analysis
 and questioning 
about the direction 
you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

Thursday, March 26, 2015

coffee thought...

coffee thought...
Back from the NASPA conference in New Orleans, Louisiana. While the
conference was intriguing and informative and really made me think
about the possibilities of a terminal degree for me (paging Dr. Bean
anyone?) it also made me examine some of the biases and expectations
of this Student Affairs field that I am in.
The other night when I couldn't sleep or really speak to anyone about
my issues (any of the 1,023 of em)- it really made me wonder if I
wonder too much or if I over think things pertaining to the many things beyond
my control.
So I think about my journey/ path into higher education and how I got
here. Some know my story, most don't. Cool. But now that I am here- 15 years later- where am I? Am I where I thought I could be? Am I where I wanted to be? Am I where I am going to end up? Or am I just here?
So examination and reflection periodically is key to constant forward motion. ( I mean you have to know where you are to know how to move from there, right? This is precisely why on a map there is a you are here marker) and with that being said, I think of a bow and arrow- to properly shoot a bow and arrow you have to take aim, position yourself- retract the arrow and release. Did you hear me? You pull the arrow back to go forward. SO where do I go back (as in go back to school?/ do I take a lesser position somewhere else with a pay cut?) to go forward?? And what does forward look like?
Hell, where am I and are we there yet at the same damn time??
that's all...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Finding love at 115

Finding love at 115



Watching THE REAL (a crazy talk show) at 1:19am and they are chatting about this 115 year old woman who says the reason she has lasted this long alive is because she has avoided men. Say what? Is it like as in she ain't never had a man! No, she was married and then once he died she was thru with them- apparently they are more trouble than they are worth. It cracks me up to think that even at that age men (having them and being with them and etc) and then not having someone in her life romantically is  something she attributed to her longevity.
Now the ladies on the real (with exception to the 40 plus black lady) are married/ engaged and happily in love in some various form or another of love. So their view of the possibility of living this long without a partner or without love is something they (all the partnered people) could not fathom. The single lady pretty much let them all chat about the heartaches their men cause and the OMG can he just ______  [insert mundane task like pick up his socks or buy me more gifts or something trite and ridiculous that folks in relationships take for granted... Like the sole purpose of the male is to purchase her gifts is the one thing I am harping on... And the single gal says that sounds all great but do you hear what you sound like?]
 She made some silly joke and everyone haha'd but it left me thinking not everyone has the opportunity to have those moments. Not everyone has had the opportunity to have a person significant or otherwise in their lives for that reason. They looked like they pitied her (the 40 plus lady) and she (visibly upset by this) kept joking along.
What is the saying: laugh at my pain???
Anywho, thy were saying about the 115 year old who lived that long she must be sad and alone as maybe all her friends have died out or who can she talk to at 115 with no one to love? I found the conversation really one sided (relationship centered) as if a person (who has made it to 115 - lived, survived) could not be happy because there is none one to love her.
Really?
What about all her accomplishments? All her successes?
Apparently even at 115 they mean nothing if no man is attached to you...
Such is life...
but hey-- I can look forward to ~76 more years here at that rate...

coffee thought... Horoscope 3/25/15

Today's thoughts from the universe...

I guess after my 'thoughts' last night the universe feels fit to calm my ass down. 
I hear ya. 
I hear ya

that's all...

When I need help

 And There are times in my life- specifically this very moment at 1:49 am (New Orleans time) that I need to talk to someone because my crazy (thoughts/ emotions/ feelings) are threatening to stay with me throughout this night- and therefore making me 

1) not able to stop thinking
2) not able to stop feeling
3) not able to sleep (hello insomnia)
4) not able to be even remotely productive
5) vulnerable to destructive behavior 

What gets me about me is this is me- and that is not ok [with me]

I want to talk to someone about me- but how dare i want that for myself (that which I give others freely?)

I want someone to listen 

I want someone to love- no right now I want someone who specifically loves me in a way that I can be this crazy and not feel like oh God, they are gonna take this personal because of something I said or they said or something they think they did. 

I want to talk to my mom (I can't even say my parents because I never had any adult conversations with my father so who knows what that would have been like)

I want to not cry as I type this but not care if I cry because I'm human, right?

I want to know its going to be alright 

I guess/ know it's my fault I am in this position here because of all the things I did I made it this way- conversely all the things I didn't do made it this way as well. 

Well there are times in my life I am this way- not because of any other outside influence but just because of my mind and who I am being and how I want to be and who I think I am and what I think I deserve and what I have worked for and what I have given into and what I have given up and what I have yet to do. 

This is one of them times when I just wish  I could call on someone or go to someone or be able to REALLY cope WITHOUT the need of...

I guess I'll stop rambling and close my eyes and say my prayers and just breathe. 
Just breathe. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Horoscope: Gemini: March 23rd, 2015

This is a good day one horoscope for the NASPA Conference in New Orleans that I am attending. I feels things are gonna be changing...

Ambitious schemes and the pursuit of success and status take on a high priority now. This brings a focus on the practical, the successful, the pragmatic - whatever it takes to get you ahead in the long run. The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

Pics and stuff soon come...

Friday, March 20, 2015

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

Whose left...?

Whose Left to Love the Black Woman?

This is a line from being Mary Jane that is resonating with me at this moment (getting caught up on all the craziness that is this show about a 38 yr old successful African-American woman who cannot find love/ man/ kids to complete   love her & make up the perfect picture of her life that she dreamed of - and the life that folks think makes you complete with all them things because if you do not have all them things you are not enough)
Anywho... this statement is because she was chatting with a very successful African-American male and he said something to the effect that African American men are targeted in this society (true) and it is more so than the women which is why they choose white women because they show them love (something asinine came out his mouth in this show) and she said while ya'll men running around being victims and choosing the white women who (some) helped create and foster the threatening stereotype of the African- American man who is left to love the Black Woman?
Considering she has to be all things to everyone (strong, intelligent, resilient, caring, nurturing, amazing, powerful, educated, sexy & chaste at the same time) who is left to handle all that?
I found that to be a good question (not that I agree all black males are running to white women) but I agree that with the perceived or real lack of good qualified men out there 
where does that leave me? whose left?
and just like the last piece of random food on a plate (already picked over and passed over and not wanted) does that mean I take 'what's left'? Are we (I) running out of options and should I be looking into a new kind of meal?
Hmmm... i believe i have lost my appetite...

that's all...

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Random dream- bridges over water

Dream- bridges over water

I had a dream that I was under this bridge and trying to figure out how to get across the troubled waters. The bridge looked to be a combination of wood and metal but I was in a grassy area and I was stuck. What was interesting is that I know I couldn't go over the bridge because there was a troll on the bridge blocking my way (scary troll at that thus I was trying to hide and move at the same time). Upon the water/ currents I see fish in the water (reddish/ orangey ones) and I know they are dangerous to me- but I HAVE TO CROSS THIS BRIDGE.  Staying still is not an option- but as much as I am trying to look for materials  to build a boat or a pole vault (why I think I can pole vault over this big ass water is besides the point) I cannot find anything to make into some sort of assistance. On the other side there is comfort- safety there/ stress-less awaits me there as I know this troll thing won't be after me and I know I would be safe. Now- I have the desire and the where-with-all to try to craft tools to get out my situation but I just can't. And my mind is racing against the rising current on this sunny day. Odd. 
I woke up very frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to get myself out this situation that apparently I got myself in. 
Is this my life? 
Who is the troll? Trolls belong under the bridge- so by me being the one under the bridge am I the troll?
Am I subconsciously blocking my own way (as a troll nonetheless) and do I really lack the skill set to help myself?
Am I that helpless that I can't cross a raging river full of pariahs and eminent death to get to my safety?
sigh....




Monday, March 02, 2015

eye of the beholder...

So  today, I had a day off (yay) but still ended up working (boo) but I mean what else is new? But that is not what I am here to talk about... 
I put up this pic of me and it is interesting some of the comments that I received. 
[Yes, I know by putting myself out there I open myself up to this-- but considering the folks on my list are friends and folks that I have approved to be there it is like ummmm OK- to the point since luckily I have to approve all the things on my timeline, I ended up not approving more than I let show]
Now, let's be clear- I am human. 
It is a leg/ thigh combo 
(like Popeye's without the breaded deep fried-ness and biscuit
and I am not ashamed.
But what is ashamed is the words and comments of some who feel that
  • I should not expose myself like this
  • That this (aka ME) is unattractive 
  • I should cover myself up
  • I should hit the gym
  • Why am I naked?
And a few others that I shall not write because they may or may not read this blog and I am being a bit passive-aggressive at this moment vs being aggressive-aggressive and calling them out.  
[Just for today, tomorrow I may return to my regularly scheduled bitchy program where I fuck the feelings of others and speak my mind because the truth...the truth shall set you free!]  
Now, there were some others that were basically yay & all that (yay love love love ya'll)
but I am not gonna focus on them (cause like I tend to do is focus on the negative--)
Now I was going to answer some of the questions and some of the more asinine comments 
but I am like what gives you the right, the gall and the audacity to...
but then I stop. 
Free Speech. 
And there it is. 
Well. 
Everyone is entitled to their opinion 
and thank you 
for reminding me that your opinion is just that-
yours. 
I choose not to suscribe to it, 
and you know what
 I welcome your opinion because 
I can choose to acknowledge it 
and internalise it 
and have it effect/ affect me 
or 
I can choose
 to let it roll off my back 
(and leg and thigh in this case LMAO)
Hey as one of my friends says:
love me or leave Tasha alone
well all my personalities are in agreeance with this statement
love me (all of me) or leave Tasha alone.
[but could you imagine the scandal if i put that other pic up??]
Sheesh
Good thing I do not plan to run for congress 
(tho I have a much cleaner record than any of them)
but I guess if I plan to get married to my Barack Obama 
I may have to let him know all of my secrets...
Oops...
well beauty is...


Massage Envy..

That's actually the name of the place. It has been a long overdue massage in the making because my body needed to be touched (and not in that way altho I ain't been touched in that way so maybe it needs that too but right now am focusing on the stress/neck/ ect issues I have been having before I digress...)
So I booked 1 &1/2 hour massage with a male friend. Not that type of friend.  Separate rooms. After a quick chat there was a decision to get a facial as well (again...mind ought the gutter people) and signed up for that. I mean considering I got a raise and all why not blow it right out the gate (altho they shorted me exactly $221 for my check this month which is very odd and I have a case out with the ever so helpful linky-syncing system we have to work with (said in my oh so sarcastic voice)
PS- as I am typing this I am drinking wine and relaxing in bed. Took a muscle relaxer cause I need to relax and the neighbors next door are having a heated argument in Spanish. The words I hear [know] are 
punta = cunt/ hoe (such vulgarity)
Mentirosa = liar
Lo siento = I'm sorry
Salir de me casa = get the out my house
Oh my goodness = oh my goodness 
Que no es grave = it's not serious 
Diga me = tell me
Amongst some banging and slamming of things. Funday Sunday night...
Anywho back to yesterday's massage... A leaf massaged me. Not an actual leaf but a dude named Leif. He seemed to be a mixed race dude who was very personable and knowledgeable and had good hands. Not exactly ugly/ not exactly cute/ not my type. (Love good hands- guess that is a prerequisite for a masseuse). We chatted a bit about the problem areas (pinched nerve/ lower back) and he was like strip for me. (Ok wasn't like that but I had 3 minutes to get naked and under a blanket). Cool, good to know I can get naked in a hurry ;) anywho massage starts with me on my stomach. Now let me tell you something... Being flat on my stomach is not entirely comfortable at all as 'the girls' impede any really comfortably. Like I'm a good 6 inches off the table here, thanks. Anyways after some shimmying we work it out and I'm situated (tense) but good. Leif starts his thing, warm hands, and gets to work. (Now it takes me a good 10 minutes to relax cause SOMEONE IS TOUCHING ME but I mean getting mentally prepared for a massage is something I had all week to do, sooo yeah). As dude is working it out something brushes my arm... Something not in the form of a leg or thigh or arm or hand. Something in the form of a penis (well a penis in his pants not all out and about..again it is not that type of party people!) and I am like WTF...uhhhh. Dude was actually aroused. And present. Now, I didn't know weather to be disgusted or flattered cause I mean massage is hard work (no pun intended) and just like dudes can get hard from working out I assume this 'thing' works the same way. Or maybe touching people turns him on? Or me? Anywho... I'm gonna ignore all that and relax. Woo sah... Pressure is good. He is surprised about the tattoos on my back and asked question about their meaning. Okkkkk. Now, as homie is massaging the crap out the knot in my shoulder (oh yes) I am like drifting more into relaxing and my mind is all over the place (not in the oh can't sleep way but the Ohhh this is kinda nice way). He moves down to the glutes and works that out. Thighs (yess) and legs/ feet. As he is massaging the thighs I feel him brush against me accidentally again.
THIS time... More...specifically he was more harder, more there... more like WOAH....
I was like uhhhhh....OK. OK. OK.
Now there is no more concentration going on ova here THIS IS SERIOUS!!!! (Seriously hilarious when you think about it) and now I am trying not to smirk cause I mean who does that and I am trying to be sensitive to his plight - I mean you got to finish the job and got this issue and yeah... But oh well. Suffice it to say my mind alternately went from real relaxation to hmmm other gutter thoughts. Good thing I'm a good girl at all times. 
Anywho once the whole massage was done I felt delicious and I got to chill while I waited for my facial. My dude was getting a facial as well and they only had one lady on staff to do that- so an hour I wait. Now, patience and patiently waiting are not my strong suits but I managed. The esthetician cleansed  the face, checked under some light thing and said I need more water and vitamin c and need to exfoliate more.  All in all not bad. $200+ dollars later... hey I'm worth it, no?
Now my friends' massage experience was not as fulfilling as mine (his lady needed to apply more pressure and he communicated that to her 3 times). And I guess it is a universal involuntary response thing (of the penis) to want to hang out or stand up or something cause he mentioned that there was some 'intentional grounding' thinking going on there. (Talk about control). But I mean he survived having never had a massage before (I mean professional I am sure his ladies touch him) so it was a good day. Topped off with good conversation and a good steak and a great sleep.... Ummm but all I can think about was massage envy... <-- which would make a great poem about touch and deep and breath and massage and hands lingering and muscles relaxing and other tensions coming to the surface... pasue... I may need to get to err.... writing... yeah writing...
Will I go back? I mean I liked the massage (have had better and worse)  so the $70 monthly membership is my dilemma. I mean yeah I can afford it but will I use it? I didn't use to get monthly massages before so who I think I is? Will it help me sleep? Possibly. Will it help me relax? Possibly. Thinking thinking thinking... 



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