When I need help

 And There are times in my life- specifically this very moment at 1:49 am (New Orleans time) that I need to talk to someone because my crazy (thoughts/ emotions/ feelings) are threatening to stay with me throughout this night- and therefore making me 

1) not able to stop thinking

2) not able to stop feeling

3) not able to sleep (hello insomnia)

4) not able to be even remotely productive

5) vulnerable to destructive behavior 

What gets me about me is this is me- and that is not ok [with me]

I want to talk to someone about me- but how dare i want that for myself (that which I give others freely?)

I want someone to listen 

I want someone to love- no right now I want someone who specifically loves me in a way that I can be this crazy and not feel like oh God, they are gonna take this personal because of something I said or they said or something they think they did. 

I want to talk to my mom (I can't even say my parents because I never had any adult conversations with my father so who knows what that would have been like)

I want to not cry as I type this but not care if I cry because I'm human, right?

I want to know its going to be alright 

I guess/ know it's my fault I am in this position here because of all the things I did I made it this way- conversely all the things I didn't do made it this way as well. 

Well there are times in my life I am this way- not because of any other outside influence but just because of my mind and who I am being and how I want to be and who I think I am and what I think I deserve and what I have worked for and what I have given into and what I have given up and what I have yet to do. 

This is one of them times when I just wish  I could call on someone or go to someone or be able to REALLY cope WITHOUT the need of...

I guess I'll stop rambling and close my eyes and say my prayers and just breathe. 

Just breathe.