coffee thought: Horoscope: Gemini: December 31st, 2014

Well, what a way to end the year with this kind of horoscope...

 

This can be a very upsetting and confusing time, when you do not know exactly what you want or you do not feel strong, capable, or effective. Physically, you need to be gentle with yourself and take care not to burn up your energy reserves.

 

So basically, do not try to think about making major life decisions (today) and/ or endeavor into rock-climbing/ tough-mudder activities today. Got it. Will drink champange and watch mindless TV prattle until the new year/ new things. Oh, and I will be gentle...

this is all... that's all...

 

 

Happy End of the year folks!

Someday...

my love will say

and I will know

and trust

and love 

until then

i cry to the stars

and let the moonlight 

dance on my tears

that's all...

to the man that hit my car

I do not know what made you do it,
I do not know why you decided to come off the highway and stop irrationally close to my car.
And as I notice you in my rear view mirror, you then proceed to hit my car.
And as I get out the car I can see the choice you have, which is to swing your car around mine and attempt to get away
or sit there as me, a black female approaches you, a white male in the car.
And you have a firefighter plaquard in the window.,
And you put the phone down as I approach.
And your eyes are glazed over from what seems to be a night of inebriation
And you look at me as if I am the crazy irrational black woman who walks up to you and says
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck did you hit my car?
And as you hold your hand up as if I am going to do something I realize that
you have no clue
you don't know what you just did
and
I ask you if you are alright
and luckily you had on your seat belt
and I say you know drinking and driving kills
as well as you should fucking know better
and I have a cousin who is a firefighter and how dare you
and take your ass home before this gets ugly
and drive your car in front of me so that I don't get hit again.

My cousins are alight. I am alright.
But I am not OK

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

I am really really quite upset right now

I am really really quite upset right now
I mean there is no other way to put it.
I find out things that
#1 I am supposed to keep secret and
#2 I am supposed to be happy about and
#3 while I can say I am very happy for said people and
#4 I am reassured it is not me by said person but i
#5 Can't help but to think -- is it really me? no, really...
Wow.
I guess that's the best thing for all parties involved?
And why (if youa re a friend/ colleague/ etc) then you feel the need not to tell me considering you say you know without doubt that I have your best interest in mind... guess them the lies you be telling so you can sleep at night.
Welp
good luck.

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coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

expectation(s)

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny." ― Paulo Coelho

Coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Traveling thru the MTA subway system on this morning going towards work I have to acknowledge I am blessed. I am awake. I am alive. I am here. That is definitely a start.
I am currently thinking about love (of course) and what it means to love someone. What it means to really love them. Are there different levels to love (like friendship versus romantic) and can these levels ever get confuddled? Like can friends become lovers and are you really lovers if you were never friends? It is an interesting concept being in love and actively loving someone. I mean I know I love folks- primarily family and friends. I know I have loved a man or two. Have I been loved back? Somehow I do not think so ( because my concept and experience of love has not been successful and/ or fulfilling). Does that mean I am incapable of being loved? Am i unlovable? On my dark days, I do think so (that I am unlovable) simply because I have not had that (love). However, I maintain HOPE that someone I do love will acknowledge the potential love inside- that someone mirrors what GOD has made me capable of (loving) and is made for me to love (and love me back). It is a definite belief I have that my man is out there. I definitely believe that. I am actively seeking that. I am aware of myself and realize no one can complete me (in the I am not broke and don't need fixing like a damn clock or something way) and I am aware that if I don't love myself, hell, how can anyone else know how to love me if I treat myself like crap ( interesting, right?!) and I know how I need to be loved (wholly. Completely. Actively. Every damned day) so yeah. Maybe my dude ain't ready for all that yet. I get it. Maybe I ain't ready for all that yet. I get it. Maybe.
that's all...


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Yesterday's Gemini Extended Horoscope

And because I can see and understand the truth and this does not amuse me


Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Saturday, November 22nd:

If there's one thing you absolutely can't stand, it's a deceptive person. You're a big fan of the truth, no matter how much it hurts, because it's at least something you can depend on. So when someone comes to you with what doesn't even sound like a good half-truth, not only will you not be amused, you'll be disgusted -- and you won't try to hide that fact. Not one iota.

---
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Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Today's horoscope is soooo on point.
I just want to be...


Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Friday, November 21st:

At heart, you're basically a very social animal. You love nothing better than being with kindred spirits who understand you -- which isn't always easy to come by, since you're much smarter than the average bear. So once you find those soul mates, you'll do anything to keep them happy. And handy. You're in a very different mood right now, though, and it might feel unfamiliar. You want to hibernate, make the world go away. Don't worry, you're not losing your mind. This is normal.

---
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Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Something to think about and listen to my heart/-/ although it's been broken and abused and ignored it has carried me thru.
Throughout your life, your heart and mind take turns at the wheel -- it's the perfect way to keep you as balanced and as healthy as possible. Right now, you're definitely tilting toward letting your heart take control. Things may seem logical, but truth be told, your heart knows the right path to take. Obey your emotions and do whatever you feel is right. Don't shy away from taking a risk, because you have a lot of emotional growth opportunity. 

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Tonight...

Tonight
I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda.
You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone.
You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressed in a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts]
We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel.
We ended up driving on South Shore road  and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course.
As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...

some thoughts....
1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No.
2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you
3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy.
4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration?
5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me.
6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no.
7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.

eh, it was pretty idilyic.

Verbal diarrhea

Something that is not at all ok to say or have when you are trying to 'not make any sudden movements' around the players of your life and keep everyone at a safe distance. I truly am good at making sure all these walls I have built up are firmly and securely in place (lest my crazy come running out full speed ahead) and yet sometimes even when I am not aware I get comfortable and whams there that crazy goes spilling all over the place- uninvited and uncomfortable- and I'm sorry. Truly I am sorry. I am sorry because this is not something you asked for or signed up for and my verbal diarrhea is not something I expect anyone to handle or manage - which is why I keep it together, right? And it is not something that you wanted to know- NO - I am not something that you wanted to know SO Now what?

How do I clean up the mess (of me) that I made and keep you away from seeing it? How do maintain the carefully placed meticulously calculated relationship and not get messed up? How do I ask you to figuratively hold my hair whilst I make this mess and please don't judge me because I am human and flawed too- just how do I take back the truths you saw and the words I said and the thoughts that run rampant in my head...

Just how...

this is not ok. 

that's all...

Yes, you are the only one

Yes, you are the only one

Found out little sis of my good friend gave up the goods and had an experience that she was happy and grateful for.
29.
Very decent as in it was not something she felt pressured to do or anything of the sorts.
This was a good thing since in this world excessive sexuality and the ages it is happening is younger and younger.
And it is good that she did it the way she wanted.
Yayyyy!
But uh yeah.
 About that...
Yes, you are the only one
(And that don't make you special so don't get it twisted)
And I mean this in the only one not chosen kind of way
(yet? Keep hope alive?)
I mean it's good that there is something that no one has had of me-
Me
To be more exact.
And I guess in some way that's OK
(cause that's what it is right now)
and that is not because I am selfish or altogether not willing to share-
but to be fair I was not willing to share for some time because there was no one I felt deserved my share)
 anywho yes, I am the only one.
that's all...



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Black Heirlooms- short doc

So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.

Why

Why
Is it so hard
to say I love you
Because
When I say it
Is just sitting out there
Alone
Unacknowledged
Unaccepted
Vulnerable
And lost
So I choose
To protect my love
And not say it
To you

coffee thought...

Had a few good cups of coffee lately and of course a few good thoughts.

1) the amount of work I do versus the rate of pay is severely lacking- I must change that
2) the folks I am currently interacting with (for the most part) are really some movers and shakers. I throughly enjoy some (some) of the interactions.
3) co authored an article for possible publication. Something that was a first (being asked to be a co authority on something is kind of cool) and even if it is not published I think the work is great.
4) witnessed the beginnings of a true scholar- like was truly (and am) impressed with his current achievements and future endeavors. It's interesting (that's all)
5) thinking (more seriously) about future work (goals), current achievements and stuff like that. Jury is still out.
6) looking for love (probably still is all the wrong places since I still ain't found it but I ain't in jail so that's good)
7) work..working hard never hardly working... it is definitely taking and making me stressed. Needs a massage stat.
8) my personal writing has its ebbs and flows- sometime not flowing at all and sometimes keeping me up at night with all the things i am trying to write but just ain't right.
9) family... sigh
10) 'in search of satisfaction'
that's all...

Trust

umm hmmm hmmm

right about now

i'm gonna need you to trust

trust what is happening between us

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to feel

feel these emotions that fill the silence

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to love

love every bit of me

and

right about know

i'm gonna need you to know

know that this is right

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to taste

taste every piece of me like sin

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you

you

inside me

you

next to me

you

over me

you

behind me

you

holding me

you

touching me

you

licking me

you

sucking me

you

stroking me

you

fucking me

you

kissing me

you

loving me

and

right about now

i'm gonna need

ummm hmmm hmmm

Yesterday's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Thursday, October 9th:

You just can't stand not knowing absolutely everything that's going on around you -- but for the next few weeks, you'd better at least try to get used to it. Someone who loves you is working on a surprise for you right now, and even though you know you can figure it out if you really want to, don't. You'll only spoil it. Let them have their fun.


Wouldn't that be nice - if it were true... Could you imagine someone that loves me.... Then that same someone working on a surprise (for me)... Maybe in the alternate universes this horoscope is referring to is where this love- filled surprise is waiting for me.
#oneday
---

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Gemini Horoscope 10/10

When the world rattles you a little too much today, feel free to crawl into your shell for a little quiet time. No one will be bothered if you pull back from the action, and you're way overdue for some introspection. It can be incredibly energizing to be alone with your thoughts -- even if the idea initially makes you uncomfortable. There's no need to be a hermit, just turn your phone off and pick up that book you've been trying to finish.

For a period you may find yourself wondering if the people you're involved with on an everyday basis are worth all the trouble, and you may consider doing a little pruning of timewasters and social situations that give less satisfaction than they promise. In fact, you may discover that less is more in terms of your social appetite and a breath of peaceful fresh air beats the excitement of a crowded venue. The issue is an internal one, and giving up at this point may actually result in getting more down the line as you resolve your priorities. In fact, in the end, you may find you save money in the process...

Looks to me what my weekend is all about...while drinking my coffee...

Leela James - Fall For You

such a great song that totally captures falling...

Here we are, together

And everything between us is good

I'm right here in this cloud, baby

Ready to fly but before I take

Another step

Would you catch me if I fall for you?

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm so used to standing

So used to being on my own

But this thing is new, baby

It feels like I'm losing control

I'll take another step

If you catch me when I fall for you

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

Will you promise to be there?

Stay by my side always?

Whenever I need you

Don't let me down, no, no

If I give you my all, don't let me fall

Would you do that for me, hold me?

Will you love, will you love me?

My heart is ready

For love and to be loved

And I chose you, baby

That's the one thing I'm sure of

So I will take this one last step

So catch me, I'm falling for you

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

on a beach..finding a happy place

 

God how I wish this was more reality rather than yearly fantasies fufilled...

that's all...

Of course sexism exists

Tonight I was dining with the younger brother/ basically he was able to meet me at work after what turned out to be a difficult day and we decided to go to dinner. We went to one of my favorite diners and proceeded to have a light dinner. Apparently what he was able to eat would carry him for 2 days since he had leftovers so that is something. Anywho to get to the point of this blog- the kind waiter dude put the check for the table (after I asked for the check) he placed the check in front of bro. Now, I guess one could assume the man is out with a woman who looks stunning and he is paying for her. Once could even assume that. But no, it just simply siblings sharing a meal. Ok. I pay (because let's face it- I pay) and hand dude the check. He proceeds to bring back the change and hands it directly to the brother. Now my brother is typically the misogynist and rants on men vs women all the time. He was actually shocked and appalled that the dude completely ignored the clues that he was not paying thru the whole interaction and I think it is not hilarious but sad that one cannot view a woman as capable of equally contributing to her meal or the meal of a dude. Just pure sexist assuming all around. Tsk tsk tsk.

Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

Yesterday's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Monday, September 29th:

For two days each month, we're all wide open to others -- and quite willing to let them into our hearts. Well, guess what? Yep. It's your turn. The stars want you to focus on one-to-one relationships, and are urging you to let go of your fears and hesitations. Allow someone you barely know to get closer to you. Are you game? Oh, my. That's the understatement of the century -- even though it's still a young one.
and this is not ok-- not even by a long shot as I am daydreaming and thinking about...
and i am sooo fucking frearful of a broken heart (again) that i have more than hesitations...
i have full stops. PERIOD.
Period.
what is a girl to do?

Gemini Overview Horoscope..

Gemini, Daily Horoscope, Saturday, September 27th:

Your dedication to someone or something is heightened today, and you may find that your ability to give them what they need is almost magical. Do something big and showy and see what happens.


--this is apparently what I am gearing up to do---something big and showy (cause who dont like a big show?)
we shall see how this show goes on...

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

Fwd: Word

I think I can safely say this without
Rhyme or reason
Or any reservations
About who may/ may not read this
Or who may judge me
Or who may laugh at me
Or who may/ may not actually love me
I can safely say this...
 

In thinking about love and choice and choices of love, I think...
I think that love is freeing.
I think that falling in love is a farce.
I think...
I think that freewill is amazing.
I think that people underestimate the power of choice and what it does for us. 
I think that...
I think that people do not know how to receive the love that is given to them.
I think that I think about the possible too much rather than the impossible.
I think that...
I think that what's for me is for me wherever it may be.
I think that my future husband will have to say this to me or show this concept of love to me regularly.
I think I think too much. 

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

songs from back in the day...

You know them artists from the 70's & 80's had it right

with some of the lyrics to the songs they sang.

Funny as you get older and have more (or less) life experiences

you tend to identify with somethings that folks sang about with all their heart.

Future heartbreak notwithstanding, 

I remember listening to this song

(way back in the day- but definitely not when it just came out)

 and hearing what she said-

but having not tried to love someone who wasn't having it (yet)

 I was not fully able to identify with it.  S

ometimes, I wished a song was written about me

(definitely not a sad depressing song--

but maybe a love song or something similar to that in this world).

Anywho, I give you Angela Bofill- I Try...

 

I try to do the best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care even when you're not there
But it's not what you want

You close your door when I wanna give you more
And I feel, I feel so out of place
And you know it's true
Don't you think I'm good enough for you

And can't you see that you're hurting me
And I want, I want this pain to stop
So if you really care, I mean if you really, really care
Well then open up your heart to me, open up to me

You know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
And you know that I needed to make you mine
Well it was just a, a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to make it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

And you know that I tried to be with you
And you know that I wanted to see it through
You know that I needed to make you mine
And it was only a matter of time

Oh, you know that I tried to be with you
Oh, you know that I needed to make you mine

 

I won't

I won't
Relive the day
or the tragedies that followed
Because I would have done that
over and over again
for the many years to follow
Still...
I won't relive the hurt
and the sorrow that occurred
Because those things never truly go away,
now do they?
I won't relive the heroism
because in direct relation to that heroism
is the constant threat and fear
we stay in.
Orange level alerts and
high terror threats
are no way
to live life.
I won't relive the promises made
Because even those
were buried away
when the dust that settled
Never spoken of again
Mysterious.
I will remember
I won't
ever forget.

9/11

What happens when

What happens when

You reach out
And there is no one there?
It's kind of like the trapeze when you are just swinging back and forth and maybe there is another bar to grab on or maybe there is even someone there with a hand... Then again most times there is not.
And with that I have learned to time my descent- my falling- just right to not receive too many broken bones.
Oh I do get hurt
Things break.
They may possibly heal never the same of course
But
I have learned to make due.
And consider
Why I thought I could reach out in the first place.


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Coffee thought... Horoscope September 4, 2014

Horoscope: Gemini: September 4th, 2014

Something you read now or a piece of information that falls in your lap could alter your thinking radically.This is good and will help you step outside yourself and gain an insight into the possible outcomes that are available to you.You must break the habit of feeling as if you must live your life the way you always have.

Now, while I don't know what habits I need to be breaking are I do know that I am at a place where things are working into place and I am working things as well. 

Living my life with a great work ethic and accountability is something that won't change. Maybe being such a giver might. We shall see...

that's all...

Oh happy birthday to my Granny who tells people she is 29 but really 92 and Beyoncé who is cause why not 33...

Working while at work

Working while at work

That is a concept that some folks I work with have not grasped. Or captured. Because it seems during the day, they seem to want to socialize and chat bout many non work things yet because it is our busy time and *surprise* we are busy they are all upset at the notion they should work.
Perish the thought! This paycheck must be earned! Gasp! It's not a gift?? 

Really... No, really...


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coffee thought...

Hey there

What do you want to write about?
Well right now i want to talk about communication.

 Verbiage. 

Words. 

Language. 

All of these are saying the same thing but what am I saying?
That is constantly why I am writing because I feel I am not fully understood or misunderstood in my communication(s) with people. And what gets me is that I feel I am clear. I feel I am direct. (I can go so far as to say I am clear and direct but then that would imply the other parties are not capable of dealing with clearness and directness) and to be extremely fair (cause I always am) I am aware there are times
I. Am. Not. At. All. Clear. Intentionally. Purposefully. Directly.
But at any rate,
Why?
Why can't y'all just understand me?

Is it my tone of voice or the current words of choice or is it something more puzzling that I cannot for the life of me figure out. 

Eh

c'est la vie 

You often ask me

 

You often ask me

What do you want?

And I dare not answer

Because what would you say

If I told you the truth

What would you do if I told you

I want you

I want you to hold me

I want you to touch my hair

I want you to kiss my lips

I want you to dare

I want you to put your arms around me,

and pull me in close

I want you to lay down beside me

I want you to say I love you the most.

What would you do

If I told you

I want your smiles

I want to have your child

I want your despair

I want you to understand I truly care

I want your love

I wanted you from the start

I want your dreams

I want your heart

What would you do

If I told you truly

If I told you honestly

If I...

Wait

So

I think I need to know

What do you want?

that's all...

Ever

Had such a good day

that you don't want to go to sleep

because it would be

like wow

was that all a dream?

Today was a good day.

<3 font="">

Horoscope: Gemini: August 30th, 2014

You may be simply busying yourself for the sake of being busy today. Taking on an endless string of little tasks allows you to avoid thinking about what it is you want to do with your life right now. Possibly a break from deep thought is just what you need, but sooner or later you're going to have to make some changes in your life to achieve fulfillment. The sooner you think things out the better off you will be.

And I be thinking,,, I be thinking...

random reverie

he wants... I want...

Something I found in my night time thoughts (but not my thoughts about someone particular lest I get accused of thinking particular thoughts)

Just thought it was a good sentiment. 

that's all...

Coffee thought Tuesday

Tuesday

It's been a while since I was able to say I has some random thought while savoring my coffee considering most days I'm barely able to finish let alone enjoy the coffee.

...as you can see from this feeble attempt at a post I am barely able to finish that.

that's all...


Later in the evening:
Your energy level is high now, and you work very enthusiastically. You also are able to manage and motivate others very effectively, and you may find yourself involved in a successful and productive team effort.

Well that happened...

Rainy night thoughts

Is that thunder and lightening again? 

While the overall sounds of the rain generally soothe my soul 

It is the crackling of fhe lightening and the feriousious thunder that scare the crap outta me. 

I have come to a couple of conclusions:

This sleeping alone business (especially nights like these) is something I am not cut out for. 

I wish I could just find 'him' for me already because right about now I know what I want and I know who I am. 

I just...

that's all. 

Sometimes folks are just

Sometimes folks are just

More crazy than you anticipate (and in my lifetime I have accounted for and witnessed a ton of crazy).


Sent from my iPhone

Heartbroken...

I have been struggling to write for the past couple of evenings for a myriad of reasons- all of them outside forces threatening my inner peace (and granted no one can disrupt your peace unless you allow them) but the senseless killing of Michael Brown- an unarmed teen in Ferguson, Mo. is very upsetting and the actions by the authorities are deplorable. Another young black male whose life was deemed 'not valid enough' by some officer of the law. Another young black man whose potential and life will never be realized. Another young black man whose parents have to bury him and then seek answers & justice (Ha!) in a system that is designed for us never to prevail. Never to have a piece of peace. Why? I mean there is never an answer to this question or any of the other questions that I have so why bother....

Sigh

But I still pray. 

(Picture is of current protests in Times Sq, NY) 

Relationship woes (not it)

It is amazing the lengths
and depths
that people will go thru to say they are in a relationship.
I wonder if someone is continually treating you in a manner
that is not how you want to be treated
if that is something you continually put up with
just to say you have someone.
Like for example,
 you live and love with someone
and they are not the person you are use to.
Their moods and their care of thyself is severely lacking
and that is affecting y'all relationship.
Why stay?
Why put up with that?
What is love other than to continue to so the same things over and over?
What's love go todo with it?


Sent from my iPhone

It's must be the way things are

Because I was speaking to a very intelligent friend of mine who happens to have some dating debacles of her own- but one common theme is that these men (when they do get up the courage to ask ya out or be out with ya) they want to turn all possessive on you like Daffy Duck and his 'mine mine mine' scenario. They want to wife you and make ya barefoot and pregnant within 3.8 seconds of meeting you.
And have the nerve to vocalize that complete with crazy stares and crazy creepy behavior. And while being a wife (yikes) and being a mother (double yikes) is something I want (one day) DUDE- can you not come on all crazy in the immediate meeting of you- I mean I appreciate your honesty but damn.
And this is why I am single-- cause settling for bullshit because society says I should (and crazy bullshit at that) ain't for me.
that's all...

fairy tales and fantasy...it seems

This is what i 'want' my journey in love to be like...

in some way shape or form

Man of my dreams will say...

 

and I will say to him...
 

...and man of my dreams will then reply to me...

and of course, i would feel/ say this to him

...and this will be my happy ending.


hey, some fantasies are better than fairy tales anyway.
at least mine are....
 

Work and then more work

Work and then more work

It is 8:31 pm on a Monday night. I am just leaving work- chipotle dinner in my hand and I may be too tired to even ingest it.
Today was busier than it needs be- as it was the day before bills were due- and the phone volume was beyond belief. Literally beyond belief.
I am more tired than I am regularly. (Physically) mentally my mind is restless and I am not settled.
I am thinking about what could have been done differently. What maybe would have prepared folks for the onslaught of the myriad of calls that are here.
Anywho- tomorrow is another day and another dollar.

It ain't me, it's you- no, really it's you.

So what is interesting is that it ain't me... No really it isn't me. Cause clearly if you are having issues figuring out #1- who you are #2 what you want and #3 who you are attracted to then: 
It.
Ain't.
Me.
And what is surprising and utterly validating about this revelation is that it kinda makes me OK about some choices that I have made- the stances I took/ take (strike a pose darling!) and the outcomes that have COME OUT of these situations.
I am sure by now you are utterly intrigued...
Case study #1: remember this New Year's Day past I had a date (set up from a co-worker) and hey what a way to bring in the new year with some possibilities possibly possible. <----- I like that it may be a title to my next poem
Anywho, I had chatted with dude for a couple of weeks sporadically (let's be clear he claimed to be pursuing me- based on what the coworker said and he saw my picture and made it clear how attractive and generally seemingly nice I seemed and considering she talked me up a bit how I seem like someone he wants to know--keep this in mind.) well he finally asked me to meet/ have some food drink some coffee tho he don't like coffee- strike #1- and not that you have to be a connoisseur of coffee or tea for that matter but know the audience. Anywho in determining when a time would be appropriate seemed to be something that we could not get together. And in the various conversations with him it was like pulling teeth with no Novocain. 

Utterly painful.

Coupled with the fact he would repeat my name three times anytime he said my name (someone please shoot me shoot me shoot me). Annoying. And in the conversation- this was me not being my wittiest. Because I read the crowd and figured out he could not handle all of my sarcasm and wit. Which is strike #2 because if I have to diminish myself just to get a date then I am doing all of us an injustice. And he could not suggest or pick a place. Strike #3 or #4 because I would like you to be a man about it- polite and considerate of what I would be allergic to or something is wonderful but all in all decide. 

Please. Please. Please.

Well, I picked a place and figured let's try this. On New Year's Day. Yay. Suffice it to say, I was the aggressor in the conversation and in this whole interaction (I.e. I was carrying the date). I was trying my best to be demure (no really) and lady-like and not the being that I am (but that ain't last too long). #1- he was late. Ok. #2- he was rude to the server (for no reason) and #3- he was short and not my type. Period. {save the short comments because really ok}. So that ain't work out. And no, I didn't kiss him - tho to be quite honest I was glad but then feeling like hey buddy you ain't even try for a kiss what does that say about me? I quickly let that pass and figure that was for the best. Quickly.
Well, come to find out he is engaged to be married this October. From a chick who needs her papers (which is not relevant because he loves her). And I am like whoa. Yay. Good on you, right? Cause that is what you wanted- someone to love you and let you take care of them and have them need you. Well there she is- Ms. Not-American (but no judgement cause love comes from all over the globe- cause remember even I was proposed to by a 'Prince'). Any who that is that...

Case study #2- think back- waaayyyy back to a few years ago when I was a bridesmaid one of my friends weddings. And there was this dude and were chatting and all that. And we went on a date or two. And laughed. And talked about A LOT of things. And remember I was considering 'laying some morals down by the wayside' and considering some of the outrageous things he was saying [like he didn't need to meet my family/ friends because the relationship is with him+me not them] and [he would have me loving him and married in 6-7 months HA] and [he wanted to make me cum a minimum of 6-7 times or something to that effect] and he didn't think I needed to hang out so much with so & so or didn't ask about my day too much or any of them things but that's ok as long as I was available for his needs and whims and etc etc]... You get the point. And remember how abruptly the conversations ended once I wouldn't give up the goods (hey, I got some restraint and moral fiber) and remember how all I could do/ say was "what is wrong with me because I am the only common denominator in this equation of my non romantical relationship life".
And remember how all my friends were like you ain't need him anyway, he wasn't attractive enough for you and he was living with a woman anyway (in my semi-defense he said they were broken up and you know the rent in NYC is too damn high) and all them things friends say to make you feel better about yourself but don't believe 1/2 the time because you (me) is wrapped up in the pity party for one?
Turns out it wasn't me.
It was he.
Specifically, it was another HE.
As in HE turned out to fancy He's not this she.
Gasp!
Like, really really really????
Like OMG really? Talk about a down low undercover brother.
Well he is happy and in a relationship at this time with a man and is utterly happy to no longer live a lie.
Now, let me be clear I am beyond the moon ecstatic that love has found a way [for someone because it ain't me] and I am truly happy that the truth has set him free. I am also utterly thrilled I dodged a slew of bullets with that one {CAN YOU IMAGINE???!?!?!!!!} and I don't care if you love women, men, rat-tailed squirrels or Shetland Ponies- be honest and truthful in all your dealings [especially with me thank you very much] because only with honesty will you be able to have the truth. I mean I am always truthful (to a fault...) and my reactions directly correlates to the acting you gave me.
So my truth at the time was that I was attracted to him. A man in flux about his sexuality and experimenting with it while fighting to be with what "society" deems best (and his church- did I mention his church?). Oh by the way, a 'safe black girl' was my role in that scenario.
Anywho suffice it to say, of some of the interesting offers I have had- these are some of the outcomes.
And it ain't me.

On to the next one(s)...
that's all...



Sent from my iPhone

Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Thursday, July 31st:

You're full of groundbreaking ideas right now. And they're not selfish -- you're all about contributing to humanity and establishing a niche on this crazy planet. Even if you can only improve your small corner of the world, you'll consider it a success. So what if people call you idealistic or a bleeding heart? You know what you're all about and you know what makes you tick. Let the naysayers spew their negativity. Your karma is as shiny as gold.

Yeah baby, I am all about that life...
karma, she ain't that b*tch today (or maybe she is dressed impeccably that i cant recognize her)
but I am establishing my niche in this crazy planet by clearing the boxes out my rooms in my apartment little by little and letting go of things I thought were important...
funny, how the things we hold on to and end up moving sometimes don't matter anymore.
well, maybe they matter but I guess if it serves no purpose (no improvements or anything happening because of said object) then what am i holding on to it for?

that's all...

F*ckin Ni&&as...

It is Eid (for the Muslim friends who celebrate it). 

It is Sunday evening. 

It is me leaving my 89 year old grandmothers house after a quick 20 minute visit in my old neighborhood. 

What do I come out to? 

A motherfuckin scratched car- literally like someone keyed my car. 

REALLY? 

#1- I ain't fuckin no one else's man. Shit, I ain't fuckin any man at the moment. 

#2- It is a motherfuckin almost 10 year old corolla. 

#3- are people still doing that these days? Like for why? What purpose does that serve? To piss someone off- well it worked but

#4- ya Ni&&as may want to get the correct car because really keying my shit ain't causing the proper effect- unless it is to piss me the hell off in which case I would have to wonder 

#5- What the hell I do to you, Ni&&a??

So basically, I gets to deal with this nonsense bulkshit. 

Universe... You definitely have some explaining to do. 

Some people (me) never change

As in 
My conscious still carries me thru the random acts of un-kindness I try to pull. Remember how bro#1 ain't show up- and how mad I was (am) about that- yes still am mad at that. To be clear, I am over the whole move thing cause whatever I am moved in- there ain't no changing that. Those that were there were there (in whatever way they could and in whatever capacity they could). I am still mad- no really hurt- by his actions toward me making me feel insignificant and not worth it (his time I guess or his presence). And I ultimately allowed my value or my perception of my value and worth be diminished because of this action. So to be honest I am mad at me for feeling. Period. But anywho, skipping over all that, homeboy is in the hospital (since Wednesday) and #1 I haven't gone to see him. And #2 part of me is like "oh, so now you need ME, huh? So Now you would like someone to show up for you, huh? How does it feel to expect that of your sibling and..." You get the point. Well, my conscious is like "bitch please act like you were raised better than to be a petty ass person and be who you are- someone who still shows up irregardless of what the next persons actions or motives are."

You. Are. Better. Than. That. 

Yeah yeah my conscious needs to go to hell sometimes...
But she has a way of annoying me, so I asked this person I have grown to trust their opinion (not that I have to follow said opinion it is just good to have other opinions- is what I told myself) turns out they kinda intelligent and kinda said they would show up and stay for like 10-15 minutes and move on their way-- by doing this they would be doing 'the right thing by family and all and still keeping my word to myself as who I claim to be (the person who is not like the others and is caring and stuff) and I can go about my business with a clean conscious.
And so, I am.
I did.
I showed up.
We chatted. His girl was there. We all chatted. I guess he was happy to see me. I stayed for an hour. I left. I guess people don't change, no matter how mad and evil and unkind I was trying to be to prove a point and whatnot.
To top it off it is bro #2 birthday. He is out with one of his partners in crime. Yay.
Smh.
I do hope I learn my lesson.

Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Friday, July 25th:

You are feeling especially grounded and stable right now --

much more so than usual --

and you are unwilling to take any guff from anyone.

Your self-confidence is the result of something you did recently that proved to others and,

more importantly,

to yourself,

that you're a serious force to be reckoned with at work or in the community.

When you set your mind to something,

anything is possible.

---

 It is funny how this horoscope is 'telling me about myself' and the way I am feeling- which is especially grounded and stable. you think?  Because at what point in my life do I feel stable- I mean at what point have I felt stable-- I mean stability is something that I am consistently trying to achieve stability in my mind, stability in my actions, stability in my heart, thoughts, stability in the consistency of my friends and stability of my giving and my support and things like that. It is interesting that  consistency and stability is just something that i want. Anywho, yes, my self-confidence is something that has actually increased this week because things that have happened at work have actually been for my benefit.. I have learned a lot about myself and my management style and my personality.

Anyway,

anything is possible.

And

just like that

 everything 

that you thought 

mattered 

 gone. 

And 

just like that

 everyone

that you thought 

mattered 

 gone. 

just

like

that

Today's Gemini Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Horoscope, Monday, July 21st:

The tried and true doesn't cut it anymore: it's the new, the unique, and the original that catches and holds your interest now. Idealism, rationality, and critical thinking become more and more a part of your mental patterns and the way you communicate. You are inventive, original, your mind is on the move out of the box.

A boundary emerges that you hadn't seen -- or even considered -- before. Things may get a little weird as you adjust, but the good news is that this should clarify an important relationship.

Getting out what is deep inside of you is important today. Express yourself. 


Well... If that ain't saying something then I don't know what is. 

Most days I read my horoscope in the evening because truthfully I don't always remember in the morning and if 'it' was meant to happen (cosmically) then it will happen whether I know about it in advance or not... Such is the cosmic circle of life.

Um yeah Integrity, honesty, and things of the sort

Things that are not at all common among dealings with human beings
in this world today nor are they common character traits now a days.
It seems people are definitely lacking basic character to begin with.
Wait... let me specify good character.
It seems that peoples morals, values, memories, truths and convictions bend with the time of day
or
the way the breeze flows and/ or depending on the feelings of the moment.
I say this because increasingly family and friends
are steadily chipping away at their integrity every time they choose not to:
ACT as virtuous as they claim they are.
Speak: as honestly and/ or kindly as they can be.
Stand up and
Hell,
BE a person true to the morals and values they spouted they were-
 not some assigned stereotype or prototype.
At this point only the stereotypical labeling of the marginalized group is the thing you seem to be able to relate to-
and yet it is a shocker that I am amazed that
You
Are
Not
To
Be
Believed
Or
Trusted
In the many
Actions and thoughts and words that have spewed from your face.
And
Many wonder why the truth trust issues I have
prevail over the relations and relationships I have.
Interesting.
And I hate to say this but my reaction is in direct relation to your cause because it--
this affects me
And the reality is as much as I would like for this not to change me--
because I strive to remain
who
I
am
essentially
and not change my core actions and values and beliefs like the wind while staying open and malleable to positive change-
I have to now
shift.
And refocus
And understand
Who
am
I
being
in relation to who/ what has become.

Interesting