Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

Fwd... in more ways than one

These are the conversations I have on im with the sister from another mother about randomness that pops up in her head or out my mouth in a not so PG way but hey, I always get a good laugh. 

Convo's @ work...

Sparkles:  what is wrong with people?

 me:  where shall i begin,,,

 me:  but good afternoon whats the issue?

 Sparkles:  :   :  oh yeah. good afternoon

 Sparkles:  :    the news talking about how they had to evacuate the met opera house cause somebody was sprinkling some white substance

how about it's his friend's ashes that he sprinkled in the orchestra pit during an intermission. exactly what made you think that was okay

in the orchestra pit? at the opera house?

during a performance

none of that made you give it a second thought

cause if that's okay somebody sprinkle me on michael ealy

shoot don't even wait for me to die. just lay me on top of him right now

 me:  AHAHAHAHAHAHah

wait

maam-- you are on time out

 Sparkles:     :  why? what did i do give me my flowers while I'm still alive

 me:  is that a flower?

  Sparkles:     a rose by any other name...

yay michael

 me:  smh smh smh

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Someday on my tombstone
(if they still do those types of things in the future of death-
 or would I even want one of those things rather than cremation)
But someday on my tombstone it shall read:
Here lies 
💃🏽
She worked hard- 
even on her days off
And hopefully that means something to some people.
Also, 
she didn't sell it too cheap- 
in fact didn't sell it at all- 
and thus
probably expired as a result of 
a broken heart 
 or untouched pu$$y
unless you count being touched 
by the gynecologist or herself. 
At any rate, not sure you can die from such things (lack of love or companionship or being touched like hugged or held) but something about the way this life is shaping up for me has 'death by absence of life' written all over it.
Not that I am calling that I to my existence oh hell no
But as I sit here in this train on my way to work on my day off due to all the work that needs to get done and considering my mind can't relax until at least 88% of it is done
I am headed there.
Such is my life for now.
that's all...

Dream last night

Dreamt that there was this muscle bound chocolate dude 

that was showing his tattoos to me 

(and TRS) 

and I was laying on my right side in a bathing suit (cornbread fed) 

and hair was crazy curly/ hands folded like prayer under my cheek.

 He was showing many things on himself and then putting on oil. 

Yummy.

 I was like OK, then closed my eyes to go to sleep. 

TRS was on her computer. 

We were all 3 in a room (looked like room from childhood bedroom). 

He takes some lotion and semi paints in on my leg tat (thigh) 

and then rubs it in

 sensuously and massages

 the lotion and my thigh talking about

 we have to protect your art and it's fascinating. 

He is rubbing with his right hand

 as his left is between my legs but holding/ propping up the left leg.

What is interesting is that I am surprised

 he is rubbing my leg but thrilled (😱)

 and he is looking at me mischievously sliding his hand up.

 I look over at TRS 

ho is busy on her computer 

and I lean up to put my fingers under his chin

. He kisses me oh so softy and I am melting.

 He then puts my leg near/ on his shoulder and is massaging the leg with both hands

 (deep tissue) 

and I am trying to position myself closer to his waist.

 Why? Hmmmm

My other leg I am resting on is already curled behind him 

so he is intimately involved in my area down there... 

I mean it is a dream, right? 

He moves his right hand to pull slide me closer to him

 by my right waist and turns my head toward him.

TRS is no longer there (yay!) 

and he has 1/2 his clothes still 

and is just Adonis like. 

Smooth and close hair cut. 

Beautiful smile and mine.

And ready. And so am I... 

That is what I remember.

coffee thought...

Sooo not appropriate for work...

And while it may not look that way in this unassuming position... 

Trust me!

And this banana (while in general I am not a fan of the banana) this one right here is deliciously firm and hard and like ripe and sweet and my lips fits perfectly around it. 

Yeah. 

Sooo need to get some STAT. 

that's all...

...to you...

for more reasons than I could tell you

is exactly why I couldn't tell you

random words of yesternight and scrutiny

Yesternight

Soul searching seemed to stop me dead still.
I know what I want to do
 (you)
You know where you ought to be 
(here)
So if I try to ignore the deeds done in the dark
Of yesternights of long ago
Will you appear?
I wonder...
Where does that leave us?
What do we have?
It seems all we have is memories
Moments mired in misery and regret...
and yet
These fond memories
The carnal pleasures past
Left my soul in shambles
And my body longing for
So subtly
I say
I know what I want to do you know where you ought to be here?

Scrutiny/ scrutinitious

8:52

Somehow someway

'Just the way you look tonight'

Is off

It is 98.4 degrees in here 

and you have on a long sleeve turtleneck 

down to your knees. 

Now,

Not meaning to look at you scrutinitiously

But

There is something 'off' 

about wearing your 

Dior glasses in the dead of night.

So tell me something good

"Do you believe in the power of love"

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

You're all I need to get by...

Like sweet morning dew/
I took one look at you/
And it was plain to see/ 
That you are my destiny...

There is something about this song (Aretha Franklin version, thanks) that makes it easier to believe there is someone out there willing to love and support you and know that
you are my destiny.
It is a great great tune to like ascribe to someone who you does all these things for your love.
Stand by you like a tree...
And it is reciprocal because...
Darling in you I found...

Sigh...
It is something that I tend to think of describes my love with the man of my dreams--
the currently elusive man of my dreams
 but the myriad of love of and from the man of my dreams would kinda be set to the tune of this song.
Along with I want your sex..
And freak in you...
And 1/2 on a baby...and well you get the point.
Sorry I digressed...
that's all...

I am not immune

I am not immune

Considering I had an allergic reaction to life (or oatmeal or salad or strawberry shortcake) a few weeks ago and had to go get some steroids to help a sista out I felt it time to get an allergy test. Had to wait for the referral from my PCP but got that and went to this place on union square. This first 2 hour visit was 'interesting' and by interesting I was like WTF! To do a test or to test what you are allergic to they put random sample of things on your skin (the simple little needle prick) and 1/2 hour later if there are raised marks on the skin then I am allergic and the severity is from 1-5(?) anywho in this day and age their ain't no better way than this?


(This is both arms all marked up with a pen. Real sophisticated stuff. )
Well obviously not, as this first go round was the environmental tests for dust, tree pollens, molds, general things. And rodents. And rats. And roaches.
Say what?
Yes, in NYC they test for all them things considering NYC has all them things. Who knew!
And apparently I am allergic to German roaches as well as standard American roaches. So even my allergies are bougie. Great.
But also aside from that she prescribed be a crapload of prescriptions cause maybe my immune system and ph is off (according to the doctor). One of the scripts is an epi pen which I didn't get from my regular doc cause of the $159 price tag. For a one time use. Just in case. Uh no- but I think she gave me a coupon so maybe- cause I would have to remember to carry it..
But interesting to note I am also allergic to tobacco. Good thing I don't smoke but I have to stay away from all that.
So now I have to go back for the blood tests for the real stuff (nuts and bolts and oats and wine) could you imaging me allergic to wine? I'm about to go wine tasting on Saturday and that would truly be sad.
Oh on another note, leave it to the random questionnaire to actively point out how pitiful the nonexistent sex life really is.



I mean unless I can be allergic to the penis or the balls or the... Then why are you asking that question? And on top of that (no pun intended) since I wasn't in here because of an allergic reaction to sex why is that on the questionnaire? Why is that on my questionnaire? Are you mocking me random form? Does that happen in real life? Is this something else I now need be concerned about? Allergic reaction to the D. Great. For that, I'll get the epi pen.
HashtagPriorities.

J.Lo killing it

just so y'all know this lady right here is killing it on her birthday
y'all. This dress is amazing and she is letting all y'all folks know:
It. Is. Not. A. Game.
Mental note to hit the gym
Images subject to copyright- as in I didn't take these pictures

Semi coffee thought for today...

Semi coffee thought for today:
Watched the movie magic mike XXL- and let me tell you something
There ain't bit a bit of believable plot in this movie here
However
The moves on one (or more) of these men there- I mean
Oh Lawd...
And maybe it is because of the lack of sexual anything in my life at
this time that them mens there looked ultra appealing
But i ain't mad at that.

that's all (too)...

Secrets

The thing about secrets is
The only way to keep a secret is to keep it-
as in not share it
and
just deal with it.
Especially if it is yours...
I was in the car with my cuz and we were discussing
[all that jazz]
and
I was like
it's not like I... well it's...
And she was like
what are you saying???
Now, I interpreted the horrified look on her face as
a horrified look
and
quickly astutely changed the subject.
because burdened be or not,
since this secret is yours (mine) you (I) need not worry
if it will come out if you (I) don't share it.
sounds simple.
so simple
"it could all be so simple... but you'd rather make it hard... loving you is like a battle... and we both end up with scars..." thank you Lauryn Hill
I mean, sometimes I want to tell- tell those that don't know... tell those who i think would care...
And just be the "__________" blank woman that they think is associated with IT.
I mean insert any adjective you may think as IT
but IT is what it is.
So for a person like me, who loves to communicate and am stifled by this thing
who do I tell?

into the woods...

I took this quiz from (http://higherperspectives.com/relational-psychology-test/) and found the answers (and subsequent questions about my life) very interesting...

Feel free to judge...

This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it!

Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with? Him

As you continue on in your walk through the forest, you come across an animal.

What kind of animal is it? Frog

You come up to the animal.

What does the animal do? Follows & Walks (hops) with me

You’re walking deeper into the woods yet, and you come to a clearing. There’s a house in the middle of the clearing.

How big is it? Is it fenced in or no? Small to medium cottage, low stone homely & Inviting

You walk up to the door of the home and it’s open a bit. You enter and see a table.

Describe what’s on the table. Plates & candles & napkins & fruit and food.

You finish looking around the house and leave out the back door. There’s a huge lawn and in the center is a garden. In the garden, you find a cup.

What is the cup made out of? What do you do with the cup? a big mug- sturdy for the large coffees I love! I pick it up and take it with me (never know when I will run into a Starbucks on my journey...)

As you walk to the end of the garden, you find yourself at a body of water.

What kind of body of water is it? A lake? River? Pond? it is a lake/ very huge river very pretty

You must cross this water in order to get home.

How wet do you get? I swim out to a boat (so very?) and then row the boat.

Ready for some answers?

The person you were walking with is the most important person in your life. Wait...

The size of the animal you come across is a representation of the size of your problems. ok, a cool small frog...

If your action was more severe, it means you tend to be more aggressive. If it was peaceful, then more passive. welp..guess I'm a bit passive...

The size of your home is representative of the size of your ambition. small to medium-- hmmmm

If there was no fence around the home, it means you tend to be more open. stone fence-- that's telling... a damned stone fence, huh?

If what you saw on the table wasn’t food, people, or flowers, it indicates some unhappiness. well there was food & other stuff-- does that mean I am semi-unhappy?

How durable the cup you found was is representative of how strong your relationship is with the person in the first part of the story. What you do with it is representative of your attitude toward them. well the cup is a big mug so I guess its a big thing.. and I take it with me so does that mean I take this relationship with me?

The size of the body of water is related to the size of your sexual drive. gasp! we all knew that...hehehe

If you became very wet, it indicates that sex is important to you. If not very wet, it may mean it’s less important. all the way wet... literally when I think of... anywho glad I can swim, huh...

sooo this means that.... oh boy. I need a drink.

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.

Whose left...?

Whose Left to Love the Black Woman?

This is a line from being Mary Jane that is resonating with me at this moment (getting caught up on all the craziness that is this show about a 38 yr old successful African-American woman who cannot find love/ man/ kids to complete   love her & make up the perfect picture of her life that she dreamed of - and the life that folks think makes you complete with all them things because if you do not have all them things you are not enough)
Anywho... this statement is because she was chatting with a very successful African-American male and he said something to the effect that African American men are targeted in this society (true) and it is more so than the women which is why they choose white women because they show them love (something asinine came out his mouth in this show) and she said while ya'll men running around being victims and choosing the white women who (some) helped create and foster the threatening stereotype of the African- American man who is left to love the Black Woman?
Considering she has to be all things to everyone (strong, intelligent, resilient, caring, nurturing, amazing, powerful, educated, sexy & chaste at the same time) who is left to handle all that?
I found that to be a good question (not that I agree all black males are running to white women) but I agree that with the perceived or real lack of good qualified men out there 
where does that leave me? whose left?
and just like the last piece of random food on a plate (already picked over and passed over and not wanted) does that mean I take 'what's left'? Are we (I) running out of options and should I be looking into a new kind of meal?
Hmmm... i believe i have lost my appetite...

that's all...

coffee thought...

Maybe it's a skittle...

(Or lack of coffee thoughts)
I got nothings- which is 50% true and 50% false cause I have 100% issues that are streaming in my head but 0% interest in spelling them out right on this train ride here... So first and foremost in my head is securing something warm so that I can focus on what's really important...

Oh, and someone lost their 'blue pill' on the train today... Hopefully it's just a temporary misplacement in the Matrix of it all... Hopefully it is not one of them 'other blue pills' because it is way too early in the morning to think about all that...

that's all...