coffee thought...

hmmm

work work work

Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

random words of yesternight and scrutiny

Yesternight

Soul searching seemed to stop me dead still.
I know what I want to do
 (you)
You know where you ought to be 
(here)
So if I try to ignore the deeds done in the dark
Of yesternights of long ago
Will you appear?
I wonder...
Where does that leave us?
What do we have?
It seems all we have is memories
Moments mired in misery and regret...
and yet
These fond memories
The carnal pleasures past
Left my soul in shambles
And my body longing for
So subtly
I say
I know what I want to do you know where you ought to be here?

Scrutiny/ scrutinitious

8:52

Somehow someway

'Just the way you look tonight'

Is off

It is 98.4 degrees in here 

and you have on a long sleeve turtleneck 

down to your knees. 

Now,

Not meaning to look at you scrutinitiously

But

There is something 'off' 

about wearing your 

Dior glasses in the dead of night.

So tell me something good

"Do you believe in the power of love"

(Patience/ Risk/ Why/ Handsome)

Patience / Risk/ Why/  handsome 

There are some things worth waiting for 

And they also say

Some things worth risking it all for

And 

There are some questions that are never answered 

By you 

So

...something that I have never had much of 

Is Patience 

they say patience is a virtue

And because there are other virtues that are move valued- 

Such as drive / ambition/ success/ accomplishments

Patience is one I  have never had a use for...

It is something that just didn't suit me 

at times

But now, 

I am lost 

Trying to figure out how to feel

Trying to patiently wait

Trying to understand how you feel

Wait

Do you feel?

This?

After all I am preparing to risk 

Why am I so...

Crazy

Unhinged 

Mad

Raving

About the thoughts that I thought of you 

And the thoughts that I thought that you thought

And the thoughts that you thought 

Are keeping me up

Lessening the sleep that I already don't get

To mere minutes spent wondering 

Thinking 

Contemplating 

Conspiring

Listening... 

To these thoughts 

In my minds eye 

the most perfect way 

this could be 

would end these doubts and misery- sometimes my mind goes

 to this perfect place 

where 

we 

choose

Us

and are handsomely rewarded 

With love like air

easy and freeing

palpable 

tangible

Real

Here 

But 

since this is reality 

and my patience 

is wearing thin 

to nonexistent 

and my heart 

is asking why 

and my body 

is shouting 

take the risk 

and my mind 

is saying, 

slow down handsome... 

Time will tell

Time does tell 

on you

And 

This time has come 

To set my heart free

I choose

And this is how it has to be

Mainly for my sanity

Waiting Patiently for my freedoms 

For my breath to come back

Again

For my nights to be mine again

For my heart

To beat

Again

Patiently...

Waiting...

For...

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

Quotes on love

"Never stop looking for what's not there"

&

"If you love me, your words should not hurt me"

stand out to me particularly on this night

coffee thought...

showing some leg

Enjoy your days...
Yay.
Today is shaping up to be a great day
It is a Monday and I am not at work. I am chilling in a pool with my girls. And my girls are getting some much needed sun.
This afternoon we have massages we are scheduled for and that is something that I need (someone to touch my body please please please)
And on that note that one started his job today (whoo hoooo for making them power moves) many blessings be upon him...
And on another note it is the birthday of the philly boy- which truly means nothing other than it is a day in July.
It's amazing what time does to dates, huh?
In any event, the evenings dinner should be some combination of laughter, liquor and lightness.
that's all...

{30 for 30} - day 25

{30 for 30} - day 25

It seems as if
The stars are brighter
And the air is clearer
And the world is
Just a more better place
Because of...

And it seems as if
I can breathe deeper
See clearer
Feel morer
Because of...

And it seems as if
I can hear better
Sing louder
Love harder
Because of...

Yeah
It seems as if...

into the woods...

I took this quiz from (http://higherperspectives.com/relational-psychology-test/) and found the answers (and subsequent questions about my life) very interesting...

Feel free to judge...

This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it!

Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with? Him

As you continue on in your walk through the forest, you come across an animal.

What kind of animal is it? Frog

You come up to the animal.

What does the animal do? Follows & Walks (hops) with me

You’re walking deeper into the woods yet, and you come to a clearing. There’s a house in the middle of the clearing.

How big is it? Is it fenced in or no? Small to medium cottage, low stone homely & Inviting

You walk up to the door of the home and it’s open a bit. You enter and see a table.

Describe what’s on the table. Plates & candles & napkins & fruit and food.

You finish looking around the house and leave out the back door. There’s a huge lawn and in the center is a garden. In the garden, you find a cup.

What is the cup made out of? What do you do with the cup? a big mug- sturdy for the large coffees I love! I pick it up and take it with me (never know when I will run into a Starbucks on my journey...)

As you walk to the end of the garden, you find yourself at a body of water.

What kind of body of water is it? A lake? River? Pond? it is a lake/ very huge river very pretty

You must cross this water in order to get home.

How wet do you get? I swim out to a boat (so very?) and then row the boat.

Ready for some answers?

The person you were walking with is the most important person in your life. Wait...

The size of the animal you come across is a representation of the size of your problems. ok, a cool small frog...

If your action was more severe, it means you tend to be more aggressive. If it was peaceful, then more passive. welp..guess I'm a bit passive...

The size of your home is representative of the size of your ambition. small to medium-- hmmmm

If there was no fence around the home, it means you tend to be more open. stone fence-- that's telling... a damned stone fence, huh?

If what you saw on the table wasn’t food, people, or flowers, it indicates some unhappiness. well there was food & other stuff-- does that mean I am semi-unhappy?

How durable the cup you found was is representative of how strong your relationship is with the person in the first part of the story. What you do with it is representative of your attitude toward them. well the cup is a big mug so I guess its a big thing.. and I take it with me so does that mean I take this relationship with me?

The size of the body of water is related to the size of your sexual drive. gasp! we all knew that...hehehe

If you became very wet, it indicates that sex is important to you. If not very wet, it may mean it’s less important. all the way wet... literally when I think of... anywho glad I can swim, huh...

sooo this means that.... oh boy. I need a drink.

I wanted... {30 for 30~ day 3}

I wanted
To be beauty in your eyes
I wanted
To be passion in your thighs
I wanted
To be eloquence on your tongue
I wanted
To be intelligence and the one.
I wanted to be desired by your lips
I wanted
To be inspired by your quips
I wanted
To be amazed by your Hips
I wanted
to be and loved
I wanted
To be mattered and deserved
Above all I wanted to be heard.
I wanted
To care
I wanted
you to dare
I wanted
You

Massage Envy..

That's actually the name of the place. It has been a long overdue massage in the making because my body needed to be touched (and not in that way altho I ain't been touched in that way so maybe it needs that too but right now am focusing on the stress/neck/ ect issues I have been having before I digress...)

So I booked 1 &1/2 hour massage with a male friend. Not that type of friend.  Separate rooms. After a quick chat there was a decision to get a facial as well (again...mind ought the gutter people) and signed up for that. I mean considering I got a raise and all why not blow it right out the gate (altho they shorted me exactly $221 for my check this month which is very odd and I have a case out with the ever so helpful linky-syncing system we have to work with (said in my oh so sarcastic voice)

PS- as I am typing this I am drinking wine and relaxing in bed. Took a muscle relaxer cause I need to relax and the neighbors next door are having a heated argument in Spanish. The words I hear [know] are 

punta = cunt/ hoe (such vulgarity)

Mentirosa = liar

Lo siento = I'm sorry

Salir de me casa = get the out my house

Oh my goodness = oh my goodness 

Que no es grave = it's not serious 

Diga me = tell me

Amongst some banging and slamming of things. Funday Sunday night...

Anywho back to yesterday's massage... A leaf massaged me. Not an actual leaf but a dude named Leif. He seemed to be a mixed race dude who was very personable and knowledgeable and had good hands. Not exactly ugly/ not exactly cute/ not my type. (Love good hands- guess that is a prerequisite for a masseuse). We chatted a bit about the problem areas (pinched nerve/ lower back) and he was like strip for me. (Ok wasn't like that but I had 3 minutes to get naked and under a blanket). Cool, good to know I can get naked in a hurry ;) anywho massage starts with me on my stomach. Now let me tell you something... Being flat on my stomach is not entirely comfortable at all as 'the girls' impede any really comfortably. Like I'm a good 6 inches off the table here, thanks. Anyways after some shimmying we work it out and I'm situated (tense) but good. Leif starts his thing, warm hands, and gets to work. (Now it takes me a good 10 minutes to relax cause SOMEONE IS TOUCHING ME but I mean getting mentally prepared for a massage is something I had all week to do, sooo yeah). As dude is working it out something brushes my arm... Something not in the form of a leg or thigh or arm or hand. Something in the form of a penis (well a penis in his pants not all out and about..again it is not that type of party people!) and I am like WTF...uhhhh. Dude was actually aroused. And present. Now, I didn't know weather to be disgusted or flattered cause I mean massage is hard work (no pun intended) and just like dudes can get hard from working out I assume this 'thing' works the same way. Or maybe touching people turns him on? Or me? Anywho... I'm gonna ignore all that and relax. Woo sah... Pressure is good. He is surprised about the tattoos on my back and asked question about their meaning. Okkkkk. Now, as homie is massaging the crap out the knot in my shoulder (oh yes) I am like drifting more into relaxing and my mind is all over the place (not in the oh can't sleep way but the Ohhh this is kinda nice way). He moves down to the glutes and works that out. Thighs (yess) and legs/ feet. As he is massaging the thighs I feel him brush against me accidentally again.

THIS time... More...specifically he was more harder, more there... more like WOAH....
I was like uhhhhh....OK. OK. OK.
Now there is no more concentration going on ova here THIS IS SERIOUS!!!! (Seriously hilarious when you think about it) and now I am trying not to smirk cause I mean who does that and I am trying to be sensitive to his plight - I mean you got to finish the job and got this issue and yeah... But oh well. Suffice it to say my mind alternately went from real relaxation to hmmm other gutter thoughts. Good thing I'm a good girl at all times. 

Anywho once the whole massage was done I felt delicious and I got to chill while I waited for my facial. My dude was getting a facial as well and they only had one lady on staff to do that- so an hour I wait. Now, patience and patiently waiting are not my strong suits but I managed. The esthetician cleansed  the face, checked under some light thing and said I need more water and vitamin c and need to exfoliate more.  All in all not bad. $200+ dollars later... hey I'm worth it, no?

Now my friends' massage experience was not as fulfilling as mine (his lady needed to apply more pressure and he communicated that to her 3 times). And I guess it is a universal involuntary response thing (of the penis) to want to hang out or stand up or something cause he mentioned that there was some 'intentional grounding' thinking going on there. (Talk about control). But I mean he survived having never had a massage before (I mean professional I am sure his ladies touch him) so it was a good day. Topped off with good conversation and a good steak and a great sleep.... Ummm but all I can think about was massage envy... <-- which would make a great poem about touch and deep and breath and massage and hands lingering and muscles relaxing and other tensions coming to the surface... pasue... I may need to get to err.... writing... yeah writing...

Will I go back? I mean I liked the massage (have had better and worse)  so the $70 monthly membership is my dilemma. I mean yeah I can afford it but will I use it? I didn't use to get monthly massages before so who I think I is? Will it help me sleep? Possibly. Will it help me relax? Possibly. Thinking thinking thinking... 

Sent from my iPhone

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

Tonight...

Tonight
I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda.
You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone.
You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressed in a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts]
We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel.
We ended up driving on South Shore road  and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course.
As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...

some thoughts....
1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No.
2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you
3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy.
4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration?
5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me.
6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no.
7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.

eh, it was pretty idilyic.

Yes, you are the only one

Yes, you are the only one

Found out little sis of my good friend gave up the goods and had an experience that she was happy and grateful for.
29.
Very decent as in it was not something she felt pressured to do or anything of the sorts.
This was a good thing since in this world excessive sexuality and the ages it is happening is younger and younger.
And it is good that she did it the way she wanted.
Yayyyy!
But uh yeah.
 About that...
Yes, you are the only one
(And that don't make you special so don't get it twisted)
And I mean this in the only one not chosen kind of way
(yet? Keep hope alive?)
I mean it's good that there is something that no one has had of me-
Me
To be more exact.
And I guess in some way that's OK
(cause that's what it is right now)
and that is not because I am selfish or altogether not willing to share-
but to be fair I was not willing to share for some time because there was no one I felt deserved my share)
 anywho yes, I am the only one.
that's all...



Sent from my iPhone

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

You often ask me

 

You often ask me

What do you want?

And I dare not answer

Because what would you say

If I told you the truth

What would you do if I told you

I want you

I want you to hold me

I want you to touch my hair

I want you to kiss my lips

I want you to dare

I want you to put your arms around me,

and pull me in close

I want you to lay down beside me

I want you to say I love you the most.

What would you do

If I told you

I want your smiles

I want to have your child

I want your despair

I want you to understand I truly care

I want your love

I wanted you from the start

I want your dreams

I want your heart

What would you do

If I told you truly

If I told you honestly

If I...

Wait

So

I think I need to know

What do you want?

that's all...

fairy tales and fantasy...it seems

This is what i 'want' my journey in love to be like...

in some way shape or form

Man of my dreams will say...

 

and I will say to him...
 

...and man of my dreams will then reply to me...

and of course, i would feel/ say this to him

...and this will be my happy ending.


hey, some fantasies are better than fairy tales anyway.
at least mine are....
 

What gets me

Is that you are currently
the last one I speak to at night
and
the first one I talk to in the morning.
You randomly sing songs
of love
to me...
Yet I cannot love you.
When I am next to you
I cannot touch you.
I cannot reach you.
You are so far away
from what I need
Or what I thought I need
I need...
I want...
What do I want?
You are...

What gets me
But can never get me
You

Day 23- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

I speak your name

Silently

Because my silence

Is much louder than my roar

I require your touch

Immediately

Because I need to feel

Your sustaining strength

I hear your desires

Intensely          

Mirroring the longings of my own

I crave to feel you

Your passion, your purpose,

your...

I want to

But I can’t

 

Towards you

 

Towards love

 

Towards us

 

So I speak your name

 

Silently

 

Because in silence

 

You hear me

 

You feel me

 

You get me