So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

thinking thoughts about things i tend to think about

and that is a lot of things to say the least

but right now, 

this current date, 5/20/15 

i am thinking about

me

i try not to think about me

 (at all) 

because at a young age

 i was told that thinking about yourself 

leads to narcissism 

and i didn't want to become someone 

that no one could love (except for herself).

and I know that it is interesting 

because 

i try to be someone that promotes 

love of self

 and acceptance

 and acceptance of ourselves

 and others

 yet i definitely leave me out of the equation 

how's that for simply complicated math?

expectation(s)

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny." ― Paulo Coelho

Yes, you are the only one

Yes, you are the only one

Found out little sis of my good friend gave up the goods and had an experience that she was happy and grateful for.
29.
Very decent as in it was not something she felt pressured to do or anything of the sorts.
This was a good thing since in this world excessive sexuality and the ages it is happening is younger and younger.
And it is good that she did it the way she wanted.
Yayyyy!
But uh yeah.
 About that...
Yes, you are the only one
(And that don't make you special so don't get it twisted)
And I mean this in the only one not chosen kind of way
(yet? Keep hope alive?)
I mean it's good that there is something that no one has had of me-
Me
To be more exact.
And I guess in some way that's OK
(cause that's what it is right now)
and that is not because I am selfish or altogether not willing to share-
but to be fair I was not willing to share for some time because there was no one I felt deserved my share)
 anywho yes, I am the only one.
that's all...



Sent from my iPhone

It's must be the way things are

Because I was speaking to a very intelligent friend of mine who happens to have some dating debacles of her own- but one common theme is that these men (when they do get up the courage to ask ya out or be out with ya) they want to turn all possessive on you like Daffy Duck and his 'mine mine mine' scenario. They want to wife you and make ya barefoot and pregnant within 3.8 seconds of meeting you.
And have the nerve to vocalize that complete with crazy stares and crazy creepy behavior. And while being a wife (yikes) and being a mother (double yikes) is something I want (one day) DUDE- can you not come on all crazy in the immediate meeting of you- I mean I appreciate your honesty but damn.
And this is why I am single-- cause settling for bullshit because society says I should (and crazy bullshit at that) ain't for me.
that's all...

What is really ridiculous

What is really ridiculous

is the actions of my family

and the unmitigated gall

they have for their actions.

So bro #1 didn't show up to to help me move.

He blatantly didn't show up.

Ignored the calls/ email / text and voicemail.

And didn't call to say nothing for a week.

Really.

 Like that's OK.

 Really I don't ask for nothing from them.

I don't trouble them for anything

(and get called on it)

yet when I talk about this move

and schedule time

and inform people etc

this is who you are.

I see you.

 I acknowledge you.

 Now watch my reaction to you.

Done.

Coffee thought...

June 6 8:24 am

I have been thinking
Thinking a lot.
basically I've been really lost...
In my thoughts about the people in my life.
The people that I love.
There is a certain 'knowingness' that comes with the amount of observation and conversation and connection that I have/ make with people. And with this I have come to the following conclusions:

You cannot change someone. 
No matter how much you want to/ no matter how much you work with them/ no how much you love and support them- you cannot change them. 
They are who they are- completely. 
And at this juncture- once you realize that YOU need to make the adjustments to either keep them in your life accepting them as is OR part ways as best as possible and be thankful for the lessons learned (hopefully) on both parts and choose differently next time.

I watch my brothers in relationships with women who may or may not be the best for them (I mean really who am I to tell?) I watch one support the other literally financially but emotionally? Spiritually? It is very odd to watch their love (in comparison to A- the love I don't have and B- the love I think I would have with a significant other and C- the love I want to have). I don't know I would or could have made the choices they made around each other (because it wasn't with each other/ it wasn't collaborative/ it wasn't a dynamic duo-partner in crime- you got my back type of thing).
I always say- she must do something for him as well as he must do something for her in order to keep this up this far and this long. And I have always said that love is differently for different people and different strokes for different folks, right? But the gall...

The other brother- we just had a long conversations about his lady and the 'not safe' feelings he has around her. Now, for a 6 foot black man to feel unsafe there are a few things that would be present- white robes typically are one of em/ but a smaller Latina woman/ not so much (no offense to my lil Latina sisters out there). When someone throws stuff at you and yells at you and berates you that is not the place to be. That is not something I expect women or men to put up with. It happened with the other bro and the wife and it took him what 3 years to realize that is not OK. 3 year...NOT OK!!!!
I'm sorry but that is not OK. But back to the other one, he is having such issues with his woman that I had to ask- what do you want from this relationship?_______ Are you getting that? _______ what are you doing in the relationship to get what you want? Manipulation? Deceit? Lies? Hurt? Where is the love man, where is the partnership? Where is the shit that all them singers be singing about being in love?  Working together... Knowing the other... Making it work... Committing to it... Actively choosing it...I mean I pray that they are getting what they need/ want/ desire from these loves (mainly love pure and simple) but I don't know. I can't call it based on the discussions they are discussing with me. And while they are discussing with me I am wondering how am I suppose to listen to them. How am I supposed to counsel or advise them. How can I truthfully understand what they are going thru and not judge all the way and not condemn and not...
But it ain't about me.
I am clear on that thru my thoughts.
And my thinking.
It ain't about me.
I remember years ago I used to have a signature on text messages and sign my emails with just love.
I think how ironic that is.
that's all...

#KaraWalkerDomino

I visited the old Domino Sugar Factory (Williamsburg, BK) to get some culture and all that jazz primarily to see this art piece by Kara Walker. The images that were presented in this grand scale art instillation were fascinating to say the least (inclusive of the Marvelous Sugar Baby) and really thought provoking. Ms. Walker is paying homage/raising questions to those who 'refined' our sweet tastes...

Specifically, the trip subtly/ not so subtly were raising questions (to me) on who and how and what is valued -- starting back in the days with the complicated business of production of sugar and its ties to the Islands and slavery et al. She has images of little negro boys presumably workers from the fields carrying baskets who would have been child labor  (which was not illegal) in various poses and dispositions. These children were used to cultivate the sugar cane from the fields to wherever they went for profit.  The sugars (molasses) marks on the floor (representing blood maybe) was interesting...

The grand piece was a Sphinx that was made entirely out of white sugar which is

1. Not sugars' natural state but
2. Made in the image of a black woman and
3. Is naked

That was astonishing.

 I must say that people do not know how to react to a black woman's' body or a naked body (even if she is made of sugar). I am sure one of the objectives of the piece was to make people absolutely aware of and celebrate the intricacies and beauty of a woman (yay me) but some people cannot and do not know how to receive that. There were many comments and inappropriate pictures taken and it definitely made me think of the issues I face as a woman today (objectified/ subjectified/ sexualized/ etc) and the demoralization that women now and of the slavery days (which I can attribute her period of time to be) were constantly subjected to.  I think about us women-- from the woman workers in the kitchen, the women who raised the children of their own and others by whatever means (meaning their masters children, their children born out of non consensual means), the women who were left to be strong for the families as the men were just chattel away...

I think about the value placed on certain attributes women have- let's look at today's standards that all of hip-hop America is singing about: big asses & big breasts are the main value standards.  There are folks who are doing the most (butt implants/ breast implants/ liposuction and other crazy ass things) literally killing themselves to fit this mold. Because society says this is pretty.  Hell, even Beyoncé said pretty hurts...but this is what is considered attractive...but this is what men want...but this is what YOU (woman) need to be like to be worthy of love, attention, anything-- because if you are not that then you are not something society would like to know- never mind the brains or the compassion or the any other of the myriad of things that make up a woman. I could go on about the fucked up morals we have as a society based on any of the recent headlines, but I'll save that stand on my soapbox for another day. This 'art' was just...subtle in an overt way. Here are some of the pics:

 

These are my favorite because of the broken-ness that is surrounding the baby.

Birthday Love...

This year is a celebration.

I mean why not?

So in celebration of the life I have

and the gifts I have been given

(not monetary) but the gifts of

purpose, compassion, patience, love,

hope, health, with a heart of gold, intelligence,

courageousness, authenticity, responsibility,

and all the talent that I have

I am celebrating it all.

Pics from the day/night...

it's J & J!!!

What I find interesting is that you will see my dress is basically a black body con dress (who would have thunk that I would wear a bodycon dress?) with the word 'love' written all over it. Think about it, I want love in all its forms. I talk about love. I read about love. I write about love.  I love. I welcome love, bring love and am love, no? SO why not wrap myself in love on my day?  I thought it was cute. I thought I was cute. I know I am beyond cute tho, I am grown and sexy. If you don't know now you know (in the words of Biggie Smalls hahaah). All in all a great time.


love love love them

 

AJ & Shima recent alumni
we all can celebrate

yes sista friend.

KF and I chilling.

one of the cool interns
i work with.

another sista here who
is real and true.
 

love this chick right here



CG & me & a drink
love this guy

flowers for me.
a lady loves flowers.
 



this is me.
 love me or leave me alone
but i would rather the love...

basically i got the lemonade upgrade

coffee thought...

I have been trying to figure out why
Why is it that we need an A-ha moment to get it?
Why is it that we need a multitude of bricks crashed upon us to determine that oh, maybe I should catch the signs and pay attention.
Why is it that some people cannot get the hint and others cannot stop seeing the signs?
These are the dilemmas that are wracking my brain. For example:
Bro #2 just had surgery to remove one of his toes- due to complications from diabetes.
How is it you have a significant other and you have not made it to the hospital and she has been in the home with you smelling your putrid foot?
And [for the record] I do not blame her- because we all have a certain amount of personal responsibility here, and there is but so much another person can do when you won't do...
But what gets me is that how you don't want better for yourself or better yet how claim you want better for yourself but don't do better?
And how she- your choice- your love- don't do/say something to make you want to be around for a very long time with her? I DON'T GET IT
And on another note- how about if I am gonna have a surgical procedure my significant other better be there by my side otherwise you are not that significant and I can do without you. And I will find another other.

I am just perplexed because

1. He names me health care proxy because I am the responsible one. Do you know what responsibility that is? Here I am asking the hard questions (do you have a DNR in place? What about extraordinary measures- do you want any? What if they need to remove more than what they expect what's your choice?) and having asked these questions of my mother when it was that time I am like wtf? Again?
2. When I ask her what her thoughts were, she had none. could not answer. OK lady- that is the only time I am soliciting input cause clearly you are not the one to go to in this emergency situation. 
3. Why?
4. Like I previously mentioned- any lover of mine better be there for support of me or else there is no reason to be in my life... 
5. Is this the state of relationships today? Is my idea of support and love soo different and antiquated that it is OK to miss surgery?
6. I feel soo scared, alone, angry, hurt and helpless at the same time. Good thing there is God Present everywhere...
7. I need a hug
8. This is changing everything as he has must do better or else more things will get chopped off.

Sometimes my mind hurts with all the unanswered questions and the thoughts that I think are right, and common sensical yet are apparently extraordinary and like too much?
Sometimes it is all too much, I mean we aren't supposed to be getting more than we can handle, right?

And it is also amazing to see who steps up (Bro#1 girlfriend) which is amazing. I mean who knew?

anywho...pray.

challenges...accepted

So
I am sore today from the challenges of yesterday, and that is a very good thing.
Last week, the conversation with Beks went something like this:
B: Let's hang out
Me: Ok what we wanna do?
B: I dunno brunch/ drinks?
Me: Always good, how about a walk?
B: Ohh nice, maybe the park?
Me: Ohhh how about a hike?
B:Sounds good lets check on a nature hike
(Later) how about ziplining?
Me: Uhhh sure.. #yolo + #insurance = why not..wait...what's the weight limit?
(a few hours drive & a safety harness & explanation ropes course)
B: totally didn't read the fine print
Me: and here I was just coming out for the mimosas
...suffice it to say fun times and crazy business!

The thing about this experience is that the challenge to complete it (and what I can stand/ what I wont do/ what I think my limitations are) are always with us. I mean I am not the greatest fan of heights (or really falling from them) and I am not a fan of having to exude super super balance and cognitive thinking skills while defying death.. but i mean it was fun.

Something I remembered from a previous ropes course is that

#1- If I stop shaking (regain my balance) then yes, the apparatus will regain its balance as well

#2- Trust yourself that I. Can. Do. This

#3- It is OK to be scared, just keep going

#4- Remember to breathe.

 

 

feeling like a rock star (haha)

 

Morale of the story:

"Don't limit your challenges..Challenge your limits"

coffee thought...

these words are some of the words/thoughts/feelings/emotions that i can truly say i have/am/had/were feeling at some point [past/present/and i am sure i will feel in the future]

Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.

 

  

I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

 

   

I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give.

 

   

I think I made you up inside my head.

 

  

I'd say go to hell, but I never want to see you

Horoscope: Gemini: March 18th, 2014

Oh what a beautiful morning!
Oh what a beautiful day!
That's how I shall begin the musings of a trip to work this am

and here is the horoscope for the day....

You speak very clearly, convincingly, and forcefully now, so that there is no mistaking what your views and opinions are. You can argue a good case, make a very persuasive presentation, or successfully challenge someone whose ideas do not agree with your own. This transit lasts for a few weeks.

Horoscope: Gemini: March 8th, 2014

This is a very good time to begin implementing the plans and promises that you have made to yourself, as any new endeavor is likely to succeed. A new health regimen, actions taken to advance professionally, or anything you do to move toward achieving a cherished goal or ideal goes well now.



Sigh...why is it the promises I made to myself are the ones that always get pushed to the last thing??

Coffee thought...

Another snowy day in the frozen apple

Sometimes

I feel like I was acclimated to a

much more warmer and tropical climate

 at least in my head.

I have 

Bermuda, Bahamas

and other stuff on my mind.

 

coffee thought...

Ahhhhh...

Sometimes it is worth it

even for just a second.

12.22.13