Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

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Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

coffee thought... Gemini horoscope for May 20 2019

You are on the precipice of a new beginning, dear Gemini. Although this implies that you will just jump right in, it does not actually mean that you have to rush. In fact, you don't have to accept the opportunity of a new beginning at all if you don't want to. You can stick with the same old thing, even though you may not be happy with the status quo. It really is your choice, of course. But if you are brave, you can take a leap of faith and find something much better waiting for you.

well, here is to something new..
oh and by the way only 3 days until my birthday!
gasp~ how is a girl gonna celebrate?
strippers? [no, too greasy...]
penis? [here's to hoping...]
a trip? [why not...]

We shall see...

Conversations... on Men aint shit

Back story:

Reading a q & A from an author we both follow and admire. 
Basically a woman writes in saying she is a fiance of a 7 yr relationship + is currently pregnant and taking care of him as he has cancer. Finds out he has a million dollar insurance policy and she is not listed (as they are not married- his mom and brother are). Add to this he is living in her place and she is stressed financially, emotionally and physically and he asked and she listed him on her insurance policy as she wanted the best for him. She is UPSET and wondering if she has the right (i mean she is baby momma + fiance and he is not looking out for spawns future and because she does not have the title of wife tho is doing wifey things he feels justified and she thinks he should be a decent human being considering she thought they were building a future together.)
SO me & my girls convo is OFF THE CHAIN cause as Aretha says (R.I.P.) Ain't no way...
I mean what say you?

At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

coffee thought...

Thinking and singing at work today as I work hard and drink the coffee

[but it is not hard work drinking this coffee here]

and I am

SINGING ALOUD

in my office.

who does that?

ME

as I am feeling this song and the potential for love just swept over me for

no particular reason,

but just FYI I love this song, and the words,

 and the sentiment of someone singing this to me.

One day, it will happen... I claim it!

Give it a listen-- lyrics below

Knocks Me Off My Feet

Stevie Wonder

I see us in the park
Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head
And words from our hearts
Told only to the wind felt even without being said
I don't want to bore you with my trouble

But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet
Oh baby, said knocks me off my feet

I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

We lay beneath the stars
Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part
Of me that lives in you baby, that only our two hearts can find
But I don't wanna bore you with my trouble
But there's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

There's somethin 'bout your love
That makes me weak and
Knocks me off my feet

Oh baby said you knock me off my feet
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I, ooh honey
I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, love you
And I don't want to bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

Songwriters: STEVIE WONDER

© EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown - Sally's Rant (YOU BLOCKHEAD!)

I have got to say as I sit here and watch the annual viewing of 

The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... 

it dawns on me about all the wonderful gems in it. 

it is lifes' true lesson!!!

check it- Sally here is infatuated with Linus- a co-dependent blanket loving boy. 

He has a great heart, and is waiting in the 'most sincere' pumpkin patch. 

Now- where this notion of the Great Pumpkin came from- dunno, but he believes this pumpkin dude is supposed to bring toys and whatnot to the children's. 

Anywho, his sis Lucy thinks he is crazy- 

for sticking to his beliefs of this pumpkin patch...

and she tells him in a sisterly way. 

Charlie Brown, 

as good as a friend would do, 

tells him too, but lets him go about his business- cause men. 

SO basically it is Sally- 

the love-struck lil sister of Charlie Brown 

who volunteers to forgo trick-or-treating 

[henceforth acquiring her own sweets & treats] 

to 'stand by and support her man' in his dream. 

Suffice it to say, when no great pumpkin shows up- 

she is highly upset, and unleashes a rant on him 

which includes a demand for reparations

I HOLLERED!

why, at this age is this such a true life/love/relationship advice?

well a few things

1- there was no proof of the pumpkin- only his belief & his words. Now, facts have proven that for several years there is no pumpkin- but she foolishly believes him.

2- baby girl while she wanted to be there with the dude, but she also wanted her own. So she forgoes her needs and sacrifices for him. 

3- when it turns out that ain't nothing happen- as in there is no great pumpkin, she wasted her time, she could have been enjoying herself with what she wanted to do

Life lesson- don't follow a man for your happiness- you have to get that yourself. 

Let's not even go about the life lesson Lucy taught Charlie Brown about contracts and notaries! 

Again, I hollered!

that's all...

Working hard...

Conversations with the brother...

how I spent part of the summer

What I did on [part] of my summer vacation...

What do you do when you live in the greatest city in the world?

Well, how I spent my summer vacation was enjoying New York via a staycation.

New York is the place to be, with the food, culture, sights, and  did I mention food- 

there are numerous opportunities to enjoy the vast offerings of New York, 

and of course the amazing views!

Georgetown cupcakes! yummy and delicious ;)

Hanging at Lincoln Center Jazz listening to live Jazz Music

Views on the Hudson

Freedom Tower

Sunset- God's Beauty

Times Square- a NYC must do!

I love NY

Happy Birthday to me

41 is a great #

Make a BIG wish!

Just wrong...

So, as I am scrolling thru the wonderful world of social media (full sarcasm in effect here) I come across HGTV. No, when I paid for cable, my TV gladly stayed on HGTV with all of the wonderful offerings (such as House Hunters, House Hunters International, Property Brothers, and every other decorative house buying creative design-on-a-dime show you can handle). I loved watching some of their things and really inspired me (at times) to create, reuse, paint outside the lines etc.
Well, the lovely folks for the HGTV web presence have lost their ever loving mind-- as they made lovely stalks of cotton to decorate your home with-- as in these bunion lickers ass wipes actually took cotton balls and stuck them on God-damned branches to recreate the 'good ole southern décor' and you too can have real lives cotton as decoration in your house.
pause.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Someone needs to get fired- matter of fact the whole Goddamned design team needs a permanent vacation.
Hell, I get a little twinge every time I use cotton balls in the house for my makeup and manicures
I screen captured some of the 'wonderful comments' and visuals that I could before logging off and trying to get some sleep-- this is why my ass should not be social media-ing while trying to go to sleep.
But I assure you this should not be where the world is headed
and it is all ya'lls  presidents fault. [the Orange one...not my Barak]
And on another note...
when is symbols of oppression decorative art? Confederate flag? Mammy dolls? Cotton picking cotton?
I know I will have to revisit this more to understand the symbolism of some of the items out there (like the mammy doll or the lawn jockey) but until then I wish someone would be like oooh let's make some cotton for decorative purposes...

lately

coffee thought...

hmmm

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

Random...

work work work

coffee thought...

Heard some words of wisdom today:

Every funky biscuit has its moldy chese!!

and to that... I'm out!

that's all...

Fall back..literally.....

Grace:  Ma'am

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Good day

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 me:  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 Grace:  lol

 me:  how you doing?

 Grace:  how are you?

Im here.

In these streets

 me:  i was just reading your status' (plural)

dying at my desk

 Grace:  LOL

LMAO

 me:  trying not to get fired

 Grace:  which one?

 me:  the one w the tiddies

smh smh smh sm h

 Grace:  LMAOOO

because

I was like. we're soft as WHAT now?

 me:  i could onky imagine your face

hahahaha

welp

this dude this weekend

smh

he outted himself

 Grace:  who?

 me:  talking about he like men to give him a BJ

 Grace:  wait

 me:  this dude i was talking to

 Grace:  whhhoooooooooo

nooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooo

 me:  YESSSSSSSSSS

 Grace:  where did you FIND him>>>

????

 me:  i damn near CUT

him

 Grace:  Lorddddd.noooo cries in downlow teas

tears*

 me:  SERIOUSKY

 Grace:  Did he not think that was a problem??

 me:  HE SAID WHATS THE BIG DEAL

i was like

SIR/ MA'AM

i specifically asked you if you liked peen

or anything like that

 Grace:  Sir/ma'am... LMAOOO

i

died

 me:  i almost cut him

and politely left the dinner

 Grace:  Why did you ask him that?

Did you have an idea?

 me:  legit-- nope

 Grace:  hhhmmm

 me:  and i have a good gaydar

 Grace:  wow

 me:  basically a gay couple came in

obviously gay

and he was like eww ill omh

i was like whats the deal i mean to each his own

he was like it should be kept inside

tho they suck a great dick

i was like oh...oh.... oh you know from experience? i was joking...

he was like yeah (*NOT JOKING)

i felt myself blink MAD SLOW like for reals?

been talking to him for 3 months

smh smh

 Sent at 4:22 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Sorry. phones

hold on

OH

MY

GOD

What did you saayyyyyyyy???

Lord

 me:  i was like oh.. OK.

then took a long drink

and was like-- no no not ok----

 Grace:  NO! not at all

 me:  i said i specifically asked you if you was homo (sorry for the non PC words here) i specifically asked you if you liked men

he (46 by the way)

was like i aint ever f*ed no dude if that is what you asking

 Grace:  OMGGGG

nooooooo

 me:  then i asked if a dude ever f*ed him-- he was like HIGHY OFFENDED

like get the f outta here

 Grace:  nah, breh

 me:  then i asked have you been in jail

 Grace:  You aint got no right to be

 me:  i didnt ask that question before

he said nope

sooo i said but it is perfectly OK for a dude to suck your __

 Grace:  so you never been to jail

 me:  he was like look

 Grace:  BUT

 me:  its just a BJ

its no big deal

 Grace:  you're letting dudes but their mouths on your peen?

no

no

no

o

no

no

no

no

SON!

 me:  EXACTLY

i

had

 Grace:  Where they do that at??

 me:  nooooo

more words

i was like ok

dis tew much

 Grace:  Ahreed

 me:  i said thanks C (charles is his name)

i'll be outta here in a few

 Grace:  wow

 me:  i finished my drink and was  out

------------------------------------------------------

 Grace:  WOOOOOOOWWWWW

I cannott.

Has he tried to contact you?

 me:  mind you -- we kissed

 Grace:  ughhhhhh

 me:  never sexed

 Grace:  ok good

 me:  EXACTLY

i was like OMG

yes

he been texting and left a few voicemails

i textged him back like you dont see nothing wrong with that

he was like it was in college

i was like i do not care if it was yesterday

does time matter

 Grace:  wow

I am disturbed

lol

 Sent at 4:31 PM on Monday

 me:  you

he is still trying to debate me about being 'moral' and judgmental

 Grace:  wow

 me:  (this stems from a prior convo on why i would not have sex with him after like 2 months)

 Grace:  no, sir. you need to address your true label and flourish in it

you're bi

and that's ok

but not for me

 me:  no judgement but we legit saw eachother a total of 3 times--- no thank you

EXACLTY

and that is OK for you

not for I

but he is saying it was one time

i was like ok

and

sooooo

that was my 'fall back" weeken

 Grace:  yikkkkeessssss

No Sir

 Sent at 4:37 PM on Monday

 Grace:  I'm sorry that happened

 Sent at 4:39 PM on Monday

 me:  thanks Grace

it is just another thing...

or one thing after another