Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

Lyrics~Stand By Me-Ben E. King

https://youtu.be/BTCfQ6Bb8QE

I happen to be headed to bed this evening and this song is in my head. 

It is in my head to the point that I have to watch the you tube video with lyrics and sing it.

 I feel I have to state this gave me a moment of happiness

 as it made me think of the brother 

and possibly him playing this song on the guitar 

and this is why it is in my head.

 I don't know. 

I do know I am missing the little bro. 

that's all...

So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Someday on my tombstone
(if they still do those types of things in the future of death-
 or would I even want one of those things rather than cremation)
But someday on my tombstone it shall read:
Here lies 
💃🏽
She worked hard- 
even on her days off
And hopefully that means something to some people.
Also, 
she didn't sell it too cheap- 
in fact didn't sell it at all- 
and thus
probably expired as a result of 
a broken heart 
 or untouched pu$$y
unless you count being touched 
by the gynecologist or herself. 
At any rate, not sure you can die from such things (lack of love or companionship or being touched like hugged or held) but something about the way this life is shaping up for me has 'death by absence of life' written all over it.
Not that I am calling that I to my existence oh hell no
But as I sit here in this train on my way to work on my day off due to all the work that needs to get done and considering my mind can't relax until at least 88% of it is done
I am headed there.
Such is my life for now.
that's all...

Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

the thing about cake...

the thing about cake is that it is definitely something
I love to love to have
and will seek to have cake for numerous of reasons-
or no reasons at all.
Well, today would be a reason to have cake-
celebrating the birth of my daddy (April 8)
and he would have been 70 years old today.
I know he had a thing for chocolate
(or maybe had that thing cause I used to want chocolate- some things never change)
and I remember just daddy.
He was the epitome of man for me
(no there are no daddy issues here, thanks)
but what I was explaining this weekend was that
witnessing the love between my mom and dad
(and the arguments, and the care, and the struggle, and the fun times, and the laughter, and the togetherness, and the love, and the love, and the love)
makes me think:

WOW. This happened.
Love happened.
Love is real.
Love is possible.
Love is work.
Love is authentic.
Love is consistent.
Love is constant.
Love is amazing.
Love is just...
Love is something that I want.

So yeah, with that held firmly in my heart, I kind of know what love is (and then the experiences I have experienced) that were nearly love- more like eh-this-is-something kind of way.
And I have faith...in love.

Thanks Dad, Happy Birthday. R.I.P

Day 5- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

Saving you
I thought I could save you
That if I believed hard enough and
Prayed even harder
You would be here.
I sometimes thought that you thought I didn't care.
I thought You would survive
Hell, I thought you would even thrive
I guess...that was a thought wasted.

I thought that any treatment that was done
was for the betterment of you
And that given enough time everything would return to normal.
I guess that was another thought wasted... Whatever that is...

I thought that it was unfair all that was asked of me- and why it was not asked of the rest of the three?
I guess that was another thought wasted

I thought that since God felt fit to take my father away,
he would leave me with a mother/ daughter dance.
I thought that if I made more money and could have gotten you to a better place
maybe there could have been another chance

Well
Your saving grace was never me (how foolish to think i could ever be)
And I know God had different plans
After all
She is the wo-man
I know I'm not supposed to be sad
Hey when you get a moment say hello to dad
I'll try to stop beating myself up
Cause I mean really what the fuck?
That thru all the things what I can truly say
Yes, I made it thru another fateful day
But I guess there were some thoughts wasted.

Towels...and the illusion of it all...

The thrill is gone the gig is up. 
The mystery has been solved. 
All pretense and performance can stop as there is nothing left. 

Take a look at this pic....

(This pic is courtesy of a random google search... Just random)The thing that shattered the perception of perfect is these here towels.

Normally towels are not something to destroy your perception but in this case they happen to be.
Towels just molded over this bulky foam thingy- just atrocious.  I used to think that in the store- people took time to actually fold the towels/ placed them expertly on the shelves and efficiently placed the lines together.

It makes me think of all the other perceived perfections of the world-

like snazzy red shoes would really take you very far- 

and maybe in some cases if you were someone who could actually wear those shoes and not feel like a fraud then probably you are going somewhere.

I'm not that person (all the time) tho I continually try to walk that walk...in heels.  Some days I can, I do. Others... not so much... Yet somehow, just like we were sold (and bought) the dream of work hard, don't be a burden to society, pay your bills on time and eventually you will have a house, car, man and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and all the great sex you can handle (no one else was sold that????!) 

The reality is that is not the case. 

It is an illusion complete with disappointed, unfulfilled unions, balloon mortgages, looming foreclosure, hearty student loan payments for a degree you have not 'actually used' yet, mediocre if that sex with random strangers and the disenchantment if it all. 

You post on the wide world web your fabulous time had at some swanky NY hotspot but fail to mention the 2 hr line you waited in, the cheap off the rack shoes that pinch your toes, the dress (or mens items) that the tag is tucked into just so you can  return it to the store still maintaining that illusion. The standing at the bar hoping to bee seen and chatted to and even touched.

Yes. Touched- just to FEEL- yes, you forgot to mention that.

 Anywho may as well enjoy the illusion- whodunit and ran did say the freaks come out at night.

Also....this pic right here... Folks in denial about a drinking habit (not it!!)

Are you...

Are you still a daughter a daughter even tho you don't have a mother or father anymore?

Random questions asked of myself...

Sent from my iPhone

Watching

This movie one true thing...
And it is about a career NY'er who cuts back/ gives up her career to come home to take care of her cancer stricken mother played by Meryl Streep. One of the prevalent scenes is when the mother is in pain and the daughter finds the heating pad for her. It is a scene that bothers me because the mother does not want to bother the daughter and does not want to share the issues with her. Also the daughter is doing the best that she can with not knowing how to properly care for her cancer stricken mother.
I can relate.
It is still heartbreaking the 'end' is always what sticks out to me and the way things happened- the way they felt- how I was unable to fix it.
And how I felt like (feel like) a failure because of it (while realizing I am not GOD in any way shape or form).
I don't know.
Some days I still think
If things were different
If things were different
If things were different

Coffee thought...

Been on a morning music kick that has truly helped me cope with the commute.
Today's songs include a gospel medley and one of moms favorite songs 'you raise me up' which makes me think about her all the time because truly (as a wonderful mother does) she raises you up to be the best you can be and makes sure you are aware if you potential and makes sure if she don't know she tried...
I am glad I had MY MOTHER.
I got tearey eyed but no tears fell....
Is this progress or is this just the way things are nowadays?

that's all...

Everything

Everything.
Happens.
It is surprising (still) to see how the universe brings people together and how small the actual world is.
What brings folks together is shared experiences and life in general and sometimes I am amazed at how random it is and not random at all this all is.
So if you remember last year this time I was preparing to go to St. Thomas USVI to go witness the lovely wedding of my two friends. Well, i mentioned the experience I had flying out from Miami and how there was a service for this fallen police officer. Moving experience.
Fast forward to me training/ part of the expanded role of what I am doing (waiting for the expanded $$ but then I would be waiting forever) and we have interns- one of which I interviewed in March at our higher ed recruitment day. Here we are: 3 weeks into training and he tells me a story about this is coming up on the one year anniversary of his fathers death [no, I don't know how we got on that and no I don't know what it is about that moment that made him share] but he mentioned that his fathers body had to be flown back from Florida to St. Thomas for the funeral. I was like literally getting chills because what a stranger coincidence, right?

 I dig back on my blog and I happened to name the fallen officer-

and sitting right in front of me is his namesake son.

Talk about wow.
Talk about WOW.
So is it a coincidence that I saw that last year and prayed for them all in the way I pray for all those who loose someone (cause I know about that specific loss of a father and a mother first hand)
Is it a coincidence that he applied to NYU and was interviewed and hired by me and now I am training him?

Eh, life has not many coincidences

and is full of happenstance.

This is just one.

Sent from my iPhone

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day

Something about Mother's Day makes me think about the days I no longer have
physically with my mother. 
What is sad is that I do tend to focus on what I don't got
versus what I do got
and this makes me sad.
I know I have been blessed to have had a mom like mine.
I know for the short time I was raised by her
and lived with her
and loved with her
I was truly a blessed person but yea-
in a world where everyone is out to get theirs
and they must get there's before you get yours otherwise it ain't worth getting-
it makes me think of scarcity
and how for some strange reason I think of 'enough'.
Is it enough?
Is there enough?
Specifically in relation to Mother's Day...
My mothers love - Did I get enough?
Parenting- was there enough? [between both parents that I had and lost]-- was there enough parenting of myself and my siblings on the goings on of being a great woman (me), being a great man (for the brothers), recognizing a great man (for me), etc etc...
Discipline
life lessons
bonding
mother- daughter time
laughter
tears
quiet time
appreciation
gratitude
was there enough?
Is it ever enough?
Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I know you can never get enough of your mothers love.
Period.
So, since it was determined that my physical time with her was ended, the love (I gather) is eternal and that will just have to be enough.

Happy Mothers Day to all.

google doodle courtesy of google.