Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

monday woes

how you like i got up

went to the gym 

worked out

sweated 

got home 

showered

left 

EARLY

apparently you diddn't work out hard enough cause you is too much right now

took the train-- gave my seat to a pregnant dude

took the train all the way to BK 

got out and got damn breakfast 

entered my office at 8:24

sat

turned on computer preparing to eat food. 

looked at the calendar0

i belong in manhattan since i switched with virginia

tsk tsk tsk

exactly

sooo packed up 

and was then 14 minutes late for work 

it is a no win situation 

Trying to Understand...

So I was having a conversation with 2 coworkers today and apparently my face and demeanor and body language said some things that were not understood- or maybe understood but ignored.

Basically, one was comparing the mundane activities of the job to showing up everyday and shoveling sh*t from behind an elephant. there is no thought to it, just do it. you ca vary your way (over the left shoulder or over the right) or you can vary techniques (like using right versus left hands) but basically there is no thought to it and you are not an integral part of the overall operation- just shovel the sh*t and keep it moving.

Now, while I appreciate some sh*t sometimes, and try not to actively get myself into sh*t at times, trust and believe that my presence on this GOD's good green earth is not here to shovel sh*t [however fabulously I will do it]

so I had questions- such as, "Oh, so you believe your job is shoveling dung?"

Answer: "Yes, but here's why...insert feigned attempt at humor and complementary accolades at times"

me: So you a sh*t shoveler?"

Answer: no, but yes

me: Oh, so you full of sh*t- as in you a connoisseur of ...

Answer: Really...?

me: I mean, I am just trying to understand..

[after a few minutes of me not being amused this ended as I was beginning to get thoroughly amused to be honest]

and then I get this text message:

So I mean, yes I am just trying to save my good good words for those that I need to use them on, and give the shitty words to those that need to be spoken to on that level.

yet they say im hard on folks?

really?

that's all...

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

coffee thought... VOTE!

coffee thought 💭 

Today is Election Day here in the USA 🇺🇸 and we are caught between Donald trump and Hillary Clinton. Now- I have not written anything about this upcoming election for a few reasons- specifically but not just limited to the nastiest vitriol that had been being spewed by the Donald. He went so far in one of the debates to call mrs Clinton a nasty woman. Now - they used to be friends- if not friends then cordial or human towards one another. At this time- he is actin like a petulant child 👶🏽 that needs to get beat. As in pick your own switch from off the road and beaten way. I am currently on my way to vote in this election- possibly seeing the first Woman president of these here United States. Imagine that... 8 years ago we elected the first African American president and we (America) are being all 'progressive' and what not. We shall see who knows...
But I'm with her...

that's all...

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

coffee thought...

May the 4th be with you..

Which is a silly as joke but considering today is May 4 I guess it is fitting.

What is not fitting are my clothes after this cruise I went on with my friends. Leading up to this vacation that was being planned over a year ago has been one of the most stressful times of my life- particularly dealing with work, family, friends, me (and in no particular order)

Figuring out how to get oneself to the airport via the MTA that don't ever want to go your way on a regular basis is a feat. Coupled with the fact I had a houseguest for 3 weeks prior to my leaving with left me with only 2 days to get my sh*t together so that I can vacate is stressful- you would think vacationing is not (yes 1st world problems)

Anywho, once I got to Florida, relaxation was able to commence and whatever I didn't have someone had. And let me tell you the amount of drinks alone on that cruise would have equaled a plane ticket to Bermuda and back. Trust me.

Yay unlimited drink package. And yay for NCL on getting their sh*t together- because this boat was not leaving Miami unless they did have it together. 

But utterly fascinating was the sisterhood that was felt during that trip. Missing from the photo below is Steph. 

I mean considering I do not have actual sisters (tho I have adopted TD & others along the way) it was great to be like in a great mix of supporting and hilarious and smart and caring and understanding and intelligent and dynamic women. Truly. We checked in on each other and made sure everyone was having fun. We covered each other with no one stealing from the other and I got some much needed sun and sand and sleep which is a rare 3 combination. 

 I missed some peoples presence but such is life.

I loved hanging out with my nephew and his foolishness- watching him daily interact with his mom and the rest of the folks is pure genius. 

He is truly a blessed heart and his mom is a saint! Kids are great! 

There was a moment on this trip where I was being someone's social worker or counselor so to speak and this person was born on Mom's birthday but having difficulties with his family and his elder moms care and basically I was like pray and understand you did/ doing the best you can. I guess that is what has to or needs to be said and heard at times (even on vacation). Funny enough the gang was like he needs his own friends and you good to chat with him for like 1/2 HR. It was riotous. But, all in all was able to sleep, pray, think, talk and generally overall just disconnect from some of the stressors of my life. I did not check emails or log on the computer (cause I was not getting charged erroneously for nothing nor anyone's issues since I do not got it like that). Now, my itsy bitsy tiny issue that happened at the end of the trip came in the way of getting from the airport- but you know once again I figured it out.

that's the way life goes, no?

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

many many more words that make much sense

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

coffee thought...

The thing about people is
They want to be respected
 but do not respect others.
This older woman is all up on
 this younger woman who is sitting down
 and the older chick has the nerve to be annoyed.
The younger woman was like (to the older woman)
you are annoying
and it is truth
 cause she is
but at the end of the day
she (older chick) didn't touch her or anything.
Older woman is just one of them folks who will do ad be as she pleases
which is just not a considerate person.
Yet she wants to be treated like she isn't annoying.
 It is utterly ridiculous.
and while this is none of my business
it is annoying as fuck to me
that's all...

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

Afternoon- random dreams

I write down my random dreams just to see where my mind is that day/night/season. Good thing I don't always put too much thought into it (cause a dream is something I cannot control with as much control I am trying to have in my daily life) Both dreams are just odd in the sense that some things I feel I know I feel (like a sense of not being heard) and some things I think I know I just don't know, and some folks in my dream I am wondering why they are there? Like who do they represent?
Eh...I'll leave it for the true dream interpreters to figure out. 


Afternoon
Woke up 3 pm
Dreamt that I was in VS and was looking for a tan waffle shirt long sleeve with pink writing. There was some other Caucasian girl there that was looking at the same thing but her small size was not there. HE appeared on my right side (headphones in) and I was like oh do you like this shirt? HE was like it's aight- but the random white chick asks the same thing and you go its looks sexy. I get annoyed but accepted it as 'whatever' because it's HE.
We walk to the back of the store and see a bunch of females running (in my hand I have picked up a cobalt blue hard makeup case) and we see this security guard (that is my Ex) chase this black girl into the bathroom. We are moving towards the registers and there are a few heavyset black women as cashiers (which does not fit the stereotypical VS mode). I go up to one to check the price of the case and before I can speak the Ex comes out with the female thief and is like are you going to pay for that (I mean I am at the register) and I am like what do you think (cause I am annoyed at his presence and that he is arresting this girl even tho she is obviously stealing) and he says, I was not talking to you I was talking to Him. So HE is apparently are stuffing female undergarments into a bag (black plastic garbage bag) and HE looks annoyed at him and say 'what do you think' . Ex says, well by putting it into a plastic bag, it looks like you are stealing it, I am about to intervene (I don't really know how or what to do) and before I turn towards HE the sales lady says to me 'do you have someone to talk to? You look like there is a lot going on and make sure you talk to that someone. ' let me give you my card' and she reaches for her card to give me (she is a psychic reader/medium etc) I am still waiting for the price and HE having heard all this go up next to me on the left and looks at her (so she can read Him) and she says you know you got a strong woman here (HE says I know) and she says and you tell her/ give her a lot to handle (HE says yes I do) she says make sure you know that (and implies that you make sure to tell her and show her you love her) I am like shaking my head and HE goes 'it just happened that way, but I get it. I will.
I am like what? What just happened? What HE get/ got? What should I know?
The Ex looks dejected and continues to arrest the poor girl, and continues to look at me disgusted (what did I do?) She gave the blue case to me HE puts His arm thru mine and we start walking out. I am confused, and HE says to me don't worry, we'll talk. HE walks out with the garbage bag full of ladies underwear (odd) but we get right outside the door of the VS store and HE turns to me and looks at me. I stop and stare at him like, Ok what? (and because it is a dream I put my right hand on my hip like do something/ say something). HE proceeds to put his srm around my waist and pulls me in to kiss him (which seems natural in the grand scheme of things) and I apparently do not resist. We (after a kiss or 12 lol) are standing in a room (not my room) and HE hands me the garbage bag of undies and says put this on- so I take the bag and look inside and it is something very risque in there that I am supposed to put on. As I leave to do what I am told these thoughts in my dream head are:
Wait- so I just am gonna go with this? And don't feel no way about it? And I am gonna just act like this is normal (us) and everyone is cool with this?
I woke up before I left the room to change clothes because even in my dreams....

Also had a second dream that we (the brothers and I) owned a white pedophile van, and it was burning (for some reason)  and all our equipment was in there and I was trying to get bro #1's attention so that we can all move from the van and be safe before it blew up. No one was listening to me, and I am watching the gas burn more, trying to calculate exactly how long before this entire thing goes up in smoke and then I die. I truly felt scared and had to wake myself up because I felt that if the car exploded in this dream, I would really not make it.

coffee thought... Daily Extended Horoscope

You're not in the mood for loud noises, bright lights or music that's any more raucous than Hayden, or maybe Yanni. So be sure you've got the ambiance you're after, and don't settle for less. You're perfectly entitled to silence when you want it, and you need it now. Besides, you might need to get away for a couple of days to feed this mood of yours. Not a bad excuse for a trip to the country, where there won't be any tourists to deal with. Maybe a road trip? Oh, you'll think of something.

Yeah so this is my current mood and maybe it is time for an escape route of some sort... Because the things that in dealing with coupled with a few sleepless nights equals the not-so-lovely-me being all present and accounted for. Sometimes my twin (yes the evil one) needs a good run on people so I can READ THEM TO FILTH AND KEEP IT MOVING.  

Yeah.. I guess before I do that I may want to vacate the premises or current surroundings...we shall see. 

Flights of fancy...

that's all...

But wait- this other Horoscope says:

Letting out your deeper expressions of feeling to another can make things especially intimate right now, but make sure you express yourself clearly and are not misunderstood. The perfect time to feel "at home" with someone, either literally or figuratively. The only thing you'll not want to be is idle, the energy and vibes are too intense to just sit on your hands.

Is that for the other twin to process and act on? (basically what feels like crazy on an ordinary day?)