Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Behold, God is my salvation;

 I will trust, and not be afraid:

for the Lord Jehovah is my strength

and my song;

 he also is become my salvation."

 

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭KJV‬‬

http://bible.com/1/isa.12.2.kjv

needed this today

Here's a Bible passage I'd like to share with you...

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:"

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

Tears in my eyes burn

Tears in my eyes burn

Because apparently prayer
repentance
remorseful feelings
past and
hurt
sorrow
future and
shortness of breath
migraines
ache
And physical pain
is not enough.
I'm not enough.

It is thru tears
I seek to find
clarity
in the prayers I cry at night.

I pray for my sanity
Because my thoughts of this life
Are crazy
And not in the ha-ha-you-so-crazy-girl
Kind of crazy way
But in the oh-there-are-people-locked-up-in-institutions-with-that-line-of-thought
kind of crazy
And
As someone who is conscientious about being conscious about my thoughts
And how they effect me
Affect others
And how I am trying to be sane
And safe
And satisfied
Everyday it is a struggle to remember
Who I am
And not question
Why
Am I
Because the hugest why is always looming over my thoughts
Actions
In- actions
Why God why

I pray for my health
Because
There are things that are there
but you know
just there and
I am supposed to remain calm and
keep going
as if things are not there
because you know
No.
Just keep going.
And because if I am healthy then I live.
Ironic
And
Alive.

I pray for companionship
And not in the platonic way
But then again
How dare I
Want
Need
Desire
Stop.

Then I pray for
less aloneness
For comfort in the noise
And for uncomfortable in the silence
Because
one can become accustomed
To
comfort in silence
And
uncomfortable noise.

So I pray for discernment
Absolution
Continued integrity
Courageously Authentically Responsibly
Wholly
Holy
While tears in my eyes burn
Salt streaking my skin
Following the tracks of
The last set of
Prayers I cried

And maybe someday
One day
In faith
My prayers will be answered
Hands cupping my face
Lips pressed to mine
Eyes seeking searching
For me
One day
Some day
The tears in my eyes
Won't burn
Anymore

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought ...

Thinking about numbers in life- today being 9/11 and all.

This number is etched permanently in my brain- 

just like some of the other numbers of importance in my life:

5/23

16

4/08

1/13

8/25

4/05

10/23

3

0

These numbers do not mean anything to most people

 but have very significant meanings to me.

 But back to the original number I am mentioning today-

 many years ago

 people's lives were changed drastically on this date. 

Everyone remembers where they were

 and what they were doing 

and who they were living with 

and who they were loving with

and when the Towers fell

everyone remembered how they were getting home

and who they were looking for 

and what emotions were being felt

and who was missing

and who was never found

and what was never said

 and many things like that. 

Many people made dramatic choices as a result of that day- 

there were a few weddings and life changing plans because of it all--

 and this is not to say that these events would not have eventually happened- 

it is just that when you see destruction and tragedy at hand

one tends to revis their own mortality and place in the world.

So with all that being said...

 What have we accomplished since then?

 Individually

 and as a whole nation

 what has been done to uplift and advance this society? 

What have we done to bring us all together

 in a way that was prevalent that day

 (and yes people tend to bond over tragedies...

and there were a fair few directives and initiatives made

 and some resolute actions are decided on

 because of the emotions of the time...)

What have we gained since then? 

Not only physically

 but spiritually and emotionally

 and just what are we doing?

As a whole, I have no clue anymore

 I used to have a fuller broader and wider breath of emotions to spare for the world 

for all humanity 

however when I have nothing left for me

 I have nothing left to give.

All those number mean something to me.

 Important.

Of Importance.

but what do they add up to?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

coffee thought...

Currently flying at 39453 feet in the air traveling from Fort Lauderdale at 529 miles per hour over Savannah at this point. Going home.
Home.
That is something that I am thankful to be able to have is a home. I was visiting (with my sister girl TD) at my other sister girl house.
It was a lovely time- basically where we were able to rest relax and
just be.
And we talked cause we all can take up a storm. But it was soo good to see pearls again after having not seen her in quite some time (since I drove her to Florida).
We went to the beach and (according to them) were attacked by fishes.
It was the funniest thing. The sand on this beach was hot as hellfire and we were doing our best bay watch runs to the water and was thoroughly enjoying the food drinks dranks and drunks. Lol. As we were watching the birds dive down near the pier and scoop up the fishes I felt a little fish by my foot and was like oh. Well we are in the ocean so I guess it is to be expected. Then TD feels a fish. Then pearls daughter was like Ohhhh mommy you better get out the water (she gets skeeved by these things) and the next thing you know there was a school or a damn near university of fishes (mind you these fish are like 3 inches at max) swimming by us. Let me tell you the craziness and the screaming them ladies did. I was cracking up laughing and they were grabbing on to TD for safety:
FYI we are in boob high water and FYI #2 we were swimming topless so 'they' were jumping out the water and the while damn beach was watching. You can't make this stuff up. TD was like (all deadpan) monotonous get off me.
 I died. apparently, being of Island parentage and used to fish and fish swimming near you/ by you and of course being that I am part mermaid, sea enchantress, goddess I am used to things like that...
Gotta love the silliness.
But on a serious tip, because of the spiritual beliefs and God that we believe in she cleanses her house spiritually in a regular basis. We talked about some of the things (spirits and prayers) and last night
was interesting if the nights that I was troubled in my sleep (prayers AND had to sleep with the light on) 
There are some things that are un-explainable...There are some things you don't ask questions on
that's all...

.... (squared)

Just found this:

And this is the follow up to the previous post. Interesting question to ask the universe because 

1) if you are praying for 'him' one would hope he is praying for you (your presence, your success, your happiness, your love, etc...)

2) if you are praying for 'him' and him is not praying for you (yes atrocious English use there) then what is the point of it all? [note: not the point of all prayer just this specific one]

3) but then do you stop praying for 'him'? I mean I pray for those who can't or don't know to pray for themselves- but does one stop praying for others cause they ain't being prayed for?

I mean it's just a hypothetical question, right?

...

 

I think it goes without saying 

but this is so 

powerful

just like prayer itself is powerful 

just like praying for others blessings is powerful

just like love itself is all powerful

 

 

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

coffee thought...

Trying
I'm trying here. 
Trying to accomplish my goals 
and 
get my shit together 
I mean what the hell. 
I am the greatest support 
and 
greatest person 
for every one else
 however
 I am
 the most silent and not motivated 
with me.
 Me. ME why? 
Whom I am supposed to love and be
 like the bestest and whatever
when I can't even find that time 
to devote that to me!

Lord Lord lord.
that's all...

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

Jewels and gems along the way

Jewels and gems along the way

Right now I am waiting in the terminal for a flight enroute to NYC from Ft. Lauderdale. I didn't mention the flight from NYC to FLA because there was no flight. It was basically 20 hours of a power drive- but not straight thru.
My sister friend Gem was moving from NYC to fla. There were things she needed to take down personally including the car. Well, we figured we would leave Friday after work and arrive sometime Saturday evening. Have a good few days of Florida sun and go back to work rested. Not the case as we didn't leave until Sunday morning. Well I can completely say that i am blessed because by the grace of God we were protected thru the whole trip. All day on Saturday I was home. Doing things like cleaning and fixing up the place. Tried to get some rest but when you are expected to up and go at any moment it is not a place you can get totally rested at all. But somehow, between all the antics that did happen for her to be delayed in getting from her house to my house- again u can only say blessed.
Got to the Restaurant and why does a glass completely shatter in my hands. Like really. Is that a sign or something? Anyway before we even left the parking lot she was sleep and I was in my thoughts (along with traffic). She slept for s good 3 hours in the beginning and in that time I had a great run on thinking and thoughts. Part of my thoughts usually revolve around love and life and friends and movement and growth and alone and God and father and family and mommy and just...stuff.
When she woke up our great conversation started. I mean what I love about sisterhood is the truth and honesty. And the best thoughts and hopes and wishes we have for each other.
One of the major concerns in my life is the 'when will my love come along' thought process and when will I have ___ <~~ insert child, love, man, comfort, security. All of those things. All of em.
We laughed about the randomness of everything and the lives we have had this far. I dunno.
Some of the things she said- like love is out there for me and I need to just believe. And pray. And have faith.
I do.
During the ride we stopped for gas in a few places and stopped overnight in Wilson, NC. Had bojangles for the first time in my life. We had a suite it was interesting.
Time for rest. Monday rolls around and we have complementary breakfast and then gonna hit the road for the rest of the way. Road map says 10 hours. I think I can do the whole drive - considering she wasn't feeling well and considering it is what I could contribute. There are many many times in this world where I think I am not enough- not smart enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just not enough to be picked to be loved or wanted or...just enough.
(Mind you this is coupled with the random times that I am more than enough and am actually just enough but I digress)
And then it became a personal goal. Can I drive the whole way to Florida? Why would I?
What would that accomplish?
I don't know.
But I did it.

Day 13- 30 for 30 {National Poetry Month}

{peace of a broken heart}

If I give you 

My heart in pieces
I have still given you my heart
And I ask you now to save me
It's the only way I know how to start

If I trust that you love me
Will I be the fool?
This is why I act very disinterested
Hell I maybe play it too cool

I guess you can say I'm afraid
Scared of what you will see in me
The truth is I'm not entirely sure
Of all that you claim to be

Living this 'protected' life is not really living at all
Half the time I spend my days
Wishing, looking, wondering, thinking
Is it OK if I really fall?

I mean I am definitely seeking an unmistakable sign
That sings, shouts, says
Yes take the risk, go 'head
You'll be mine

But
Apparently my life doesn't always work that way
And night by night
Day by day
I wonder (& of course I pray)
That if I give you my heart
Tho in pieces
Broken it will no longer stay.