Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

today...

After today, that is the truth. 

What I do know is that

God is good

All the time 

and 

All the time 

God is good. 

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Someday on my tombstone
(if they still do those types of things in the future of death-
 or would I even want one of those things rather than cremation)
But someday on my tombstone it shall read:
Here lies 
💃🏽
She worked hard- 
even on her days off
And hopefully that means something to some people.
Also, 
she didn't sell it too cheap- 
in fact didn't sell it at all- 
and thus
probably expired as a result of 
a broken heart 
 or untouched pu$$y
unless you count being touched 
by the gynecologist or herself. 
At any rate, not sure you can die from such things (lack of love or companionship or being touched like hugged or held) but something about the way this life is shaping up for me has 'death by absence of life' written all over it.
Not that I am calling that I to my existence oh hell no
But as I sit here in this train on my way to work on my day off due to all the work that needs to get done and considering my mind can't relax until at least 88% of it is done
I am headed there.
Such is my life for now.
that's all...

Try

At this point in my life, 

and at this particular evening 

how about someone 

"try a little tenderness"

with me 

as in 

just try

really try

really just attempt

any tenderness 

with me

because 

i am afraid

that this
old heart of mine 

is failing 

at the lack of

love

and tenderness

in life.

that's all...

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

coffee thought...

This morning already needs to be a 2 cup day but since at 8:49 am I am currently in transit to work (and late as we haven't even made it to 42nd yet) and I already had a text argument with the siblings, and it is hotter than Hades out here, and breathing is a struggle, I think it best just to concentrate on standing still as this train moves and hope for the best.
that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

I done said

I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
 And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
 and change the nature of this relationship
 and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.



but I done
said
all that I was gone say

This is why

I don't care. 

Because 

When I am (or my mind is) someplace that just ain't good...

And I am in one of my many evil moods

Just sometimes 

It would be nice 

If someone attempted 

Tried

Cared enough 

Hell, faked it just once

And endeavored 

Ventured And strived

To get me out of my own head. 

Like really. 

Because

Sometimes 

Most times 

I think it would be nice

If there was 

A proverbial hand to pull me up and out

Or the empathetic ear to listen and shit 

And someone to care to do that 

But 

this is why I don't care

Because

That someone ain't out there 

(And talking to yourself is frowned upon even if you live by yourself or love by yourself)

that's all...

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

Car troubles - 2/22/15

Car troubles - 2/22/15




Everyone that knows me knows that I love my car. I mean she is
definitely key to my freedom and movements in life.
So when my baby gives me issues I am in dire straights as to what to
do. Today I was headed to hang out with the girls at TD's home. It of
course had been snowing all damned day cause this winter is trying to make sure we know whose boss (it's you winter it's you). Yay for the covered parking garage! That is the blessing and the best $195 spent (thus far per month). Sacrifices, right?
I walk thru the snow with some drinks for the ladies and get to my lil baby. I try to start her up. Nothing. I blink because that has never

happened before. I try again still clicking sound and nothing. I pause. I regroup and think surely I heard wrong. And try again. Still clicking sound. Now, i am no damned mechanic but dammit to hell something something ain't right and I am 3 seconds from distraught (and really should not be distraught but I mean we are talking about my freedom here) and nothing. I call the girls to let them know i am not going anywhere and I am also on the
phone with another friend for moral support. Of course I have an
attitude because...why? Why why why now is this happening ? Like is there
not enough to keep my ass busy going on in this world? but no [universe] you feel fit to send me this drama.
This would be a good time to have a man in my life who I would be like
hun, I'm in trouble and he would be like ok, I got you. Period. But
that ain't my life. As I am searching for AA or AAA my home girl law and order comes thru with her car. She is like girl we got you and do you have jumper cables. Luckily sparkles gave me an emergency kit like a few years ago and I know there are cables in there and jumps my car. Let's be clear- we ain't know shit about what connects to what but 1- managed to make that connection 2- didn't get blowed up and 3- didn't get electrocuted. That is cause for celebration. So we high tail it over to autozone and I purchase a new battery. Cause the dude said it's definitely your battery. $200 later the battery installed I am able to drive over to TD's house and am definitely in need of the drinks I am carrying.
All I do want to say is thank god for sisters and the blessings that they are in my life. Lord knows I would be stuck without them.