How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

coffee thought...

Laundry... Needs to be done ... STAT
And with that revelation it dawns on me that even tho I have about 3
weeks of laundry- I still have many outfit options to choose from.
Is this or this is a good thing as I should never ever be able to say
i have nothing to wear (unless it is to a grand ball because I do not
own a ball gown) but I mean then why is it I still feel like I need to
go shopping?
Hmm
Fall is approaching and I know I have a few fall basics I need to get.
Better get my coins up!
that's all..

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

I don't know- Saturday 5/30

I don't know
What it says if u don't have coffee all week while on vacation in the
land of my father.
I mean I didn't kill anyone and I was not the coffee monster that
people (-__-) make me out to be - on the contrary I was enjoying my
days and nights in Bermuda.
What is funny is that I slept.
 At nights.
From exhaustion
and lack of coffee..
(except for one night-- but one out of 7 isn't bad)

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

Tonight...

Tonight
I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda.
You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone.
You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressed in a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts]
We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel.
We ended up driving on South Shore road  and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course.
As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...

some thoughts....
1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No.
2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you
3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy.
4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration?
5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me.
6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no.
7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.

eh, it was pretty idilyic.

Random quizzes about myself

I have been having a bit of insomnia (more often than not) and have been up taking numerous quizzes online- specific all to determine why I am who I am and that is all that I am. So this evening/ mornings activities tell me what my spiritual power is & what type of wife I am/ will be. 

What say you? 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^^
Your spiritual power is:

Love

You are a true lover and an ambassador of love. You spirit and persona can allure and absorb anyone. You are so real and raw that your imperfections make you even more lovable. 

The type of wife you are:

The Peacemaker

You're the "yes" woman. Sweet, supportive, gentle, and very easy to get along with. Because of your personality you may be misunderstood, but once people get to know you, they realize how lovely and fascinating you really are. You're perhaps the greatest supporter of leaders, and are very loyal and committed. You love your life and know that others envy you.

Funny.

Well, this is the type of love and wife I want to be-- notice the embrace and the words.