Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Reflections...

•Long Post•

Hanging out with the family & friends at the beach, enjoying my last day and the everything that is happening around me, loving the sun & saltwater on my skin- just being present. 

I took a walk because I found myself suddenly getting emotional thinking about LIFE...how precious IT is & how easily things can change • I started crying missing my Dad, wishing he could have been around to show me his island home; he could have shown me which rocks he used to climb/ jump off of, could have reminisced about his 9 siblings, Granny, and the days of his youth • I cried missing my Mom, thinking about how she met my father in Bermuda • I cried thinking about the brother • I cried thinking about my cousin who just passed • It was just a lot.
It is a lot.
Maybe I just needed to cry- for all the things that ain’t right right now and I guess for all the things that are. I’m alive right now and it was a different situation just 1 week ago. I know I’m extremely blessed & forever grateful. • I eventually got myself together, prayed, fixed my face and proceeded to continue living this gift of life. And getting in the water. And laughing at things including myself. And enjoying all of IT. .

Lyrics~Stand By Me-Ben E. King

https://youtu.be/BTCfQ6Bb8QE

I happen to be headed to bed this evening and this song is in my head. 

It is in my head to the point that I have to watch the you tube video with lyrics and sing it.

 I feel I have to state this gave me a moment of happiness

 as it made me think of the brother 

and possibly him playing this song on the guitar 

and this is why it is in my head.

 I don't know. 

I do know I am missing the little bro. 

that's all...

So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

Some days

Some days

It is harder than others

to accept the reality

that

This is actually happening.

This is actually real.

And as heartbreaking this is-

the amount of faith I have in your journey you have no idea.

I pray daily and nightly for your recovery.

I pray for the other brothers safety and peace of mind.

I pray for the children in the world and the state of the world.

And I pray for me-

for my sanity.

For a piece of peace.

For comfort.

For reasons why

For the way

I just continue to pray

And believe there is a reason for this.

This trial

This struggle

This outcome

What is the reason- why is this happening ? What more can I do?

Just why

how I spent part of the summer

What I did on [part] of my summer vacation...

What do you do when you live in the greatest city in the world?

Well, how I spent my summer vacation was enjoying New York via a staycation.

New York is the place to be, with the food, culture, sights, and  did I mention food- 

there are numerous opportunities to enjoy the vast offerings of New York, 

and of course the amazing views!

Georgetown cupcakes! yummy and delicious ;)

Hanging at Lincoln Center Jazz listening to live Jazz Music

Views on the Hudson

Freedom Tower

Sunset- God's Beauty

Times Square- a NYC must do!

I love NY

visiting hours

Since I am on vacation, I decided to go visit my father's grave in the cemetery. I know i am the only one that come out here when i do because 1- the brothers do not have a car 2- it is not a priority to take public transportation for them ever so 3- if i do not drive them they do not come here. 

Anywho- life goes on and I do what I do. 

This headstone of my father which took 23 years to purchase after a few attempts and disagreements with the family is a sight. It is emotional for me to look at his name etched in stone, conspicuous hyphen in between birth and death date. 

It is heavy. 

Beautiful

but heavy.

The next tombstone visited is where Grandma lay.

Anderson. 

May she rest eternally there. 

It is too soon for the inscription to happen. 

But she is there. 

Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

Painting while confused

This evening I spent some time with my lil nephew and we were in our creative mode---

 aka painting.

Some days it is a masterpiece and some days it is confusion with a paint brush--

always amusing tho.

 His talents truly run the range of

 'lets mix as much paint as possible to make the perfect brown"

 to

 "ughhh my red disrespected my purple"

-- so the lesson of the day [still] is

 never let your red disrespect your purple

and

use as much paint as you can in life

 because

you only get one canvas

[metaphorically speaking]

sometimes....

Sometimes 

you need the wisdom 

of someone elses mother 

to tell you the things 

that you kinda already know 

but needed to hear out loud anyway. 

Thanks Mom.. 

I still hear you. 

that's all..

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

Complain Complaining Contemplating Complaints

Complain complaining contemplating Complaints
Some issues...As this is what seems to be my current occupation
As in lodge your complaints with me...
And expect me to what?
Handle it?
Nah, my name ain't Olivia.
But after the conversations with some folks today I need to take a page out her current book and BE SELFISH..
Period
So basically had a conference call with the brothers. There have been myriads of challenges- specifically this week one of them collapsed at the bus stop and had an ambulance called.
The other brothers precarious housing situation just got more unstable as his friend had a surprise visit from their social worker and now he has to be out pronto otherwise they are both on the street.
Great.
So, as I do, once you tell me this I am asking all these damn questions like where are you with your housing applications and where is your social worker and what's your next move. He has no response but rebuttals as in you don't know all I've been doing. Correct. As I have stated multiple times is that I am only capable of giving you information based on the factors you provide me.
Period.
And when the information is not complete and I am seeking answers and questions and you are getting upset then
again
what did you call me for? to complain? to listen? to unload all your baggage on me and expect me to carry this along with the other weights of my life and be happy and silent about it?
Same things for friends who call to verbally vomit their gripes and life issues on me and while I am happy to be a friend
and stand by you
and listen to you
and support you...
ya'll need to know that
I am not the one to
fix it
I am not the one to do the

• thinking
• planning
• rationalizing
• creative budgeting
• innovative wording
• or experimental loving

that may suit your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs
that would leave me in a place of utter dissatisfaction
just stop.
I am not the one
thanks...

coffee thought...

3/15/16
Beware the idea of March? Maybe ? I don't know...
My Caesar is off.
Sooooo
What's been going on in my life?
I don't know where to begin with all the things that have been done in the past couple of weeks...
all I know is that
I.
Am
someone
who needs attention.
 And not in a bad way or anything but simple acknowledgement and being listened to and kindness will go a long way. like for real a long way...
I mean these are the simple things that a person requires in life, right??  
I do not think I am asking for too much- I mean maybe attention is not the right word to describe it but you get what I mean.
care
courtesy
kindness
thoughtfulness
responsiveness (all these things Webster's dictionary describe as synonyms for attention!)
So yeah, between family and friends one of my biggest pet peeves is their lack of attention.  And I mean at times when it is evident that attention is required
(maybe I should make a tee shirt...)
I mean when I am talking to you or telling you my issues or my day or whatever
and immediately it is recognized that you are not paying attention....
'your mind is elsewhere'
or you switch topics and change the subject or ask some random thing
that is further from what I am talking about-
and maybe it is relevant to you-
like you are walking across the street and a car out of no where is about to hit you-
by all means we need to discuss this matter.
But when I am speaking- to anyone-- be it at work or at home or on the damn subway it irks me to feel like I am not being heard.
Like my voice does not matter.
That whatever it is I am speaking about has no importance to you- at this moment- or in general
and that you could care less.
And me- being the only me I know how to be - stops.
As in of course I stop talking and listen to whatever it is you are saying.
Do I go back to what I had to say?
9/10 times no. Because why?
Obviously you don't want to hear it -- or let's just say it's not that-- but obviously you cannot set aside you and your issues (ego) to spare a moment for your sibling (me) or your friend (me).
Me.
At any rate.
This is what I have noticed lately.
And I call folks on it. They laugh it off
Somehow sometimes
I do not find it funny.
But them is the facts of life.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'm me. You know.
The me that is a closed book to the world.
It suits me for now.
Because apparently this story is above comprehension on some levels...
And this chapter is not for public consumption..
Who knows.
that's all...

coffee thought...

Wednesday
Middle of the week
Still nothing resolved with the brothers.
They are still in their respective hospitals.
I guess that's the best place for their recovery, right?
 I mean really
Work-
Endless streams of meetings and committees and
 I do not know at this time if this is moving me forward
 with all the things I think I want to do.
We shall see
we shall see
that's all...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Counting down to the end of the work year for me...
and almost the start of the new year.
I am oh so tired. 
Work and the current work I am doing is very draining 
and this is something I can truly say
I need a mental break from

Family-
they are always a challenge. 
One brother is trying to go back to the situation that made him 'loose it' this time around because his mind (something that can't be trusted all the time) is telling him to do so. So when you call me 3-4 times in one evening because you can not quiet them thoughts that are telling you some things because your frustrated and trying to figure out how to get back to what that was - which I maintain is not love because love doesn't manipulate and degrade you like that.  But I mean apparently love makes you crazy in more senses than one - but ultimately come on. But here are your choices- to be alone in a world that does not respect you or love you like you need or to settle and accept a shadow version of some type of love (again I maintain it is not love) in order to have some companionship.
Eh. To each his own, right?
I can say no judgement here however I am fully aware that this is judgmental as hell because I am a judgey person. 
Sir, so sue me.
that's all...

coffee thought...

It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love. 
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...