Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Fall back..literally.....

Grace:  Ma'am

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Good day

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 me:  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 Grace:  lol

 me:  how you doing?

 Grace:  how are you?

Im here.

In these streets

 me:  i was just reading your status' (plural)

dying at my desk

 Grace:  LOL

LMAO

 me:  trying not to get fired

 Grace:  which one?

 me:  the one w the tiddies

smh smh smh sm h

 Grace:  LMAOOO

because

I was like. we're soft as WHAT now?

 me:  i could onky imagine your face

hahahaha

welp

this dude this weekend

smh

he outted himself

 Grace:  who?

 me:  talking about he like men to give him a BJ

 Grace:  wait

 me:  this dude i was talking to

 Grace:  whhhoooooooooo

nooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooo

 me:  YESSSSSSSSSS

 Grace:  where did you FIND him>>>

????

 me:  i damn near CUT

him

 Grace:  Lorddddd.noooo cries in downlow teas

tears*

 me:  SERIOUSKY

 Grace:  Did he not think that was a problem??

 me:  HE SAID WHATS THE BIG DEAL

i was like

SIR/ MA'AM

i specifically asked you if you liked peen

or anything like that

 Grace:  Sir/ma'am... LMAOOO

i

died

 me:  i almost cut him

and politely left the dinner

 Grace:  Why did you ask him that?

Did you have an idea?

 me:  legit-- nope

 Grace:  hhhmmm

 me:  and i have a good gaydar

 Grace:  wow

 me:  basically a gay couple came in

obviously gay

and he was like eww ill omh

i was like whats the deal i mean to each his own

he was like it should be kept inside

tho they suck a great dick

i was like oh...oh.... oh you know from experience? i was joking...

he was like yeah (*NOT JOKING)

i felt myself blink MAD SLOW like for reals?

been talking to him for 3 months

smh smh

 Sent at 4:22 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Sorry. phones

hold on

OH

MY

GOD

What did you saayyyyyyyy???

Lord

 me:  i was like oh.. OK.

then took a long drink

and was like-- no no not ok----

 Grace:  NO! not at all

 me:  i said i specifically asked you if you was homo (sorry for the non PC words here) i specifically asked you if you liked men

he (46 by the way)

was like i aint ever f*ed no dude if that is what you asking

 Grace:  OMGGGG

nooooooo

 me:  then i asked if a dude ever f*ed him-- he was like HIGHY OFFENDED

like get the f outta here

 Grace:  nah, breh

 me:  then i asked have you been in jail

 Grace:  You aint got no right to be

 me:  i didnt ask that question before

he said nope

sooo i said but it is perfectly OK for a dude to suck your __

 Grace:  so you never been to jail

 me:  he was like look

 Grace:  BUT

 me:  its just a BJ

its no big deal

 Grace:  you're letting dudes but their mouths on your peen?

no

no

no

o

no

no

no

no

SON!

 me:  EXACTLY

i

had

 Grace:  Where they do that at??

 me:  nooooo

more words

i was like ok

dis tew much

 Grace:  Ahreed

 me:  i said thanks C (charles is his name)

i'll be outta here in a few

 Grace:  wow

 me:  i finished my drink and was  out

------------------------------------------------------

 Grace:  WOOOOOOOWWWWW

I cannott.

Has he tried to contact you?

 me:  mind you -- we kissed

 Grace:  ughhhhhh

 me:  never sexed

 Grace:  ok good

 me:  EXACTLY

i was like OMG

yes

he been texting and left a few voicemails

i textged him back like you dont see nothing wrong with that

he was like it was in college

i was like i do not care if it was yesterday

does time matter

 Grace:  wow

I am disturbed

lol

 Sent at 4:31 PM on Monday

 me:  you

he is still trying to debate me about being 'moral' and judgmental

 Grace:  wow

 me:  (this stems from a prior convo on why i would not have sex with him after like 2 months)

 Grace:  no, sir. you need to address your true label and flourish in it

you're bi

and that's ok

but not for me

 me:  no judgement but we legit saw eachother a total of 3 times--- no thank you

EXACLTY

and that is OK for you

not for I

but he is saying it was one time

i was like ok

and

sooooo

that was my 'fall back" weeken

 Grace:  yikkkkeessssss

No Sir

 Sent at 4:37 PM on Monday

 Grace:  I'm sorry that happened

 Sent at 4:39 PM on Monday

 me:  thanks Grace

it is just another thing...

or one thing after another

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

Leela James - Fall For You

such a great song that totally captures falling...

Here we are, together

And everything between us is good

I'm right here in this cloud, baby

Ready to fly but before I take

Another step

Would you catch me if I fall for you?

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm so used to standing

So used to being on my own

But this thing is new, baby

It feels like I'm losing control

I'll take another step

If you catch me when I fall for you

'cause I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

Will you promise to be there?

Stay by my side always?

Whenever I need you

Don't let me down, no, no

If I give you my all, don't let me fall

Would you do that for me, hold me?

Will you love, will you love me?

My heart is ready

For love and to be loved

And I chose you, baby

That's the one thing I'm sure of

So I will take this one last step

So catch me, I'm falling for you

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

I'm falling

I'm falling, I'm falling

Horoscope: Gemini: August 30th, 2014

You may be simply busying yourself for the sake of being busy today. Taking on an endless string of little tasks allows you to avoid thinking about what it is you want to do with your life right now. Possibly a break from deep thought is just what you need, but sooner or later you're going to have to make some changes in your life to achieve fulfillment. The sooner you think things out the better off you will be.

And I be thinking,,, I be thinking...