Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

coffee thought...

A few things.

First I do not owe you shit.

Let's get that clear.

It takes two people to be in this friendship 

and when one person consistently feels they are 

'doing all the work' 

and wakes the hell up and

 CHOOSES 

not to anymore - 

please do not get your damn ass panties in a bunch 

because this is the way it is.

 It's called life and free will and choice

Rant over. So where did that come from?

I had the pleasant opportunity to have a text message conversation with someone whom I called a friend - hell even sister at one point this past weekend and she got upset that our friendship isn't the same and attributes that to Me choosing others over her. I simply explained that as I evaluated the past 2-3 immediate years of this friendship I recognized where the reciprocity was present. 
Simply put- how has she shown up in my life. 
Has she attended any of my functions- like a housewarming or anything?
No. 
Has she made time to celebrate my birthday at any time (let alone the surprise birthday party that was thrown for me)- nope. And let's be clear- I get that maybe a set time/ date may conflict with many of other life plans out there- it happens - but my birthday happened with not so much as a " hey let's get together this random day to acknowledge you". 
Nope. That would never cross their mind. Yet I made it a point to be there for many of her birthdays in different states nonetheless. I traveled across 5 states when the third child was born. I was there for the beginning, middle and witnessed the demise of the 1st marriage and the beginnings and thru the current marriage. 
Yet because she chooses to view the few pics of IG of my life and create her own story (fascinating I tell you) about whom I choose to spend my time with and call out specific people- it seems to me that because maybe you are lacking somewhere (in your life perhaps? In my life- yup because you are not In my pictures perhaps? ) that there is this ...: angst? Jealousy? Over concern about the wrong things- like how about you think about why I pulled away and your contributions to that.

Let's be perfectly clear- because I had to ask you for money that was owed you said I made a federal case- uh no. I asked a year later for money that was owed- hardly a federal case. I traveled up and down the east coast and across several state lines for many a kids birth/ birthday party/ your mothers party and because I am not part of your mommy club or second wives club or whatever and I am an afterthought? Well I'm saving you the time it takes to after- think about me and removing myself from the equation.

Choices

I choose to spend time with friends that listen to me check up on me and show up for me. I gladly and willingly do the same for them no questions asked. I have and used to do that for her. I got wise and checked the interactions and see the feeling was not mutual and I fell back. 
It's life- not rocket science.

Eh. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime, but most of all a lesson. I have learned many a lesson- specifically do not expect people to care as much as I do because not everyone will- and hell not everyone was raised like me. 
Thank you for that. 
As I mentioned... I wish no harm or illness on her and her family- just my time will be spent elsewhere.
Deuces.

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

On the way into work in this lovely fall weather. 

I am thinking about the change of season 

and 

the change of tides 

and 

just change in general- 

not unlike the loose change in my pockets- 

it may make a difference to some 

but as a whole 

a lotta change overall makes big bucks.

Sounds crazed? 

Maybe.

Such is the world we live in...

quiz results about life...

So these are some of the quizzes that happen to be on these here internets and they have determined what I need in a partner, what my personality is like, and what trait my name really means. 

All of this sciencetifical data here is needed when crafting the perfect partner in this world.

Just saying, if these quizzes don't tell you then who will??

such is life

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

coffee thought...

Counting down to the end of the work year for me...
and almost the start of the new year.
I am oh so tired. 
Work and the current work I am doing is very draining 
and this is something I can truly say
I need a mental break from

Family-
they are always a challenge. 
One brother is trying to go back to the situation that made him 'loose it' this time around because his mind (something that can't be trusted all the time) is telling him to do so. So when you call me 3-4 times in one evening because you can not quiet them thoughts that are telling you some things because your frustrated and trying to figure out how to get back to what that was - which I maintain is not love because love doesn't manipulate and degrade you like that.  But I mean apparently love makes you crazy in more senses than one - but ultimately come on. But here are your choices- to be alone in a world that does not respect you or love you like you need or to settle and accept a shadow version of some type of love (again I maintain it is not love) in order to have some companionship.
Eh. To each his own, right?
I can say no judgement here however I am fully aware that this is judgmental as hell because I am a judgey person. 
Sir, so sue me.
that's all...

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought...

To think that I thought these three things about my life:

ONE

I thought I would have my parents here (physically) 

TWO

I thought I would have had...

THREE

I thought I had a possibility of being loved by... him

hmm

like i tend to say

those were just thoughts wasted.

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

I need new undies.

Yes, drawers.

Like new.

Cause I mean I have a fair number of pantaloons but:

Some are wild and wacky colors that aren't suitable under work clothes

Some are granny panties (hey don't judge them things are comfortable)

Some are ultra sexy and while tres cute are so not functional

Some are specific to sets that I have in case I need to show it off

(hey. girls gotta dream, no?)

But all this to say that a good, flattering (if that is possible)

decent pair of undies is severely lacking in my underwear life.

Sigh.

This is what is on my mind pre-coffee

I can only imaging what will happen post coffee

Anywho,

that's all...

coffee thought...horoscope time

 

maybe...I mean it is Wednesday... happy hump day!

Something {30 for 30- day 7}

Was it something
That was done or
was it something I said?
Your actions
My reactions
The silence
The anger
The thoughts of what we had
Not what we have
Maybe it was because
I no longer accepted the lies
And maybe it was because
You didn't even try
But
Definitely because You know
I knew
That I am not the only one
loving you
So
Maybe it was because
It was something I done did
Guess that's this life
And this choice I will no longer have to live.

You happen to be {30 for 30- day 2}

You happen to be
My dreams come true
And you happen to be
Real and tangible
And you happen to be
All the things I said I wanted
And you happen to be
Not deterred or daunted
And you happen to be
Sure of what this is
And happen to be
Secure in all you give
And you happen to be
In love with all of me
And you happen to be
Waiting patiently
You happen to be
Loved by me
Just
happen
to be...

Fool- 30 for 30

Fool

Maybe I'm the fool

For believing in you

Maybe the things you said

All those things

fooled me 

all the time

and maybe

It is at this time

that I regret to inform you

I am no longer a willing participant

in this game we play

I am no longer willing to suit up

Put on all my protective gear

(And Guard my heart most of all)

Against the opposition of you.

i need a more worthy opponent

one that is fair in battle

but then again 

maybe I'm the fool

eye of the beholder...

So  today, I had a day off (yay) but still ended up working (boo) but I mean what else is new? But that is not what I am here to talk about... 

I put up this pic of me and it is interesting some of the comments that I received. 

[Yes, I know by putting myself out there I open myself up to this-- but considering the folks on my list are friends and folks that I have approved to be there it is like ummmm OK- to the point since luckily I have to approve all the things on my timeline, I ended up not approving more than I let show]

Now, let's be clear- I am human. 

It is a leg/ thigh combo 

(like Popeye's without the breaded deep fried-ness and biscuit) 

and I am not ashamed.

But what is ashamed is the words and comments of some who feel that

• I should not expose myself like this
• That this (aka ME) is unattractive 
• I should cover myself up
• I should hit the gym
• Why am I naked?

And a few others that I shall not write because they may or may not read this blog and I am being a bit passive-aggressive at this moment vs being aggressive-aggressive and calling them out.  

[Just for today, tomorrow I may return to my regularly scheduled bitchy program where I fuck the feelings of others and speak my mind because the truth...the truth shall set you free!]  
Now, there were some others that were basically yay & all that (yay love love love ya'll)
but I am not gonna focus on them (cause like I tend to do is focus on the negative--)
Now I was going to answer some of the questions and some of the more asinine comments 

but I am like what gives you the right, the gall and the audacity to...

but then I stop. 

Free Speech. 

And there it is. 

Well. 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion 

and thank you 

for reminding me that your opinion is just that-

yours. 

I choose not to suscribe to it, 

and you know what

 I welcome your opinion because 

I can choose to acknowledge it 

and internalise it 

and have it effect/ affect me 

or 

I can choose

 to let it roll off my back 

(and leg and thigh in this case LMAO)

Hey as one of my friends says:

love me or leave Tasha alone

well all my personalities are in agreeance with this statement

love me (all of me) or leave Tasha alone.

[but could you imagine the scandal if i put that other pic up??]

Sheesh

Good thing I do not plan to run for congress 

(tho I have a much cleaner record than any of them)

but I guess if I plan to get married to my Barack Obama 

I may have to let him know all of my secrets...

Oops...

well beauty is...

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me