Fwd... in more ways than one

These are the conversations I have on im with the sister from another mother about randomness that pops up in her head or out my mouth in a not so PG way but hey, I always get a good laugh. 

coffee thought...

Counting down to the end of the work year for me...
and almost the start of the new year.
I am oh so tired. 
Work and the current work I am doing is very draining 
and this is something I can truly say
I need a mental break from

Family-
they are always a challenge. 
One brother is trying to go back to the situation that made him 'loose it' this time around because his mind (something that can't be trusted all the time) is telling him to do so. So when you call me 3-4 times in one evening because you can not quiet them thoughts that are telling you some things because your frustrated and trying to figure out how to get back to what that was - which I maintain is not love because love doesn't manipulate and degrade you like that.  But I mean apparently love makes you crazy in more senses than one - but ultimately come on. But here are your choices- to be alone in a world that does not respect you or love you like you need or to settle and accept a shadow version of some type of love (again I maintain it is not love) in order to have some companionship.
Eh. To each his own, right?
I can say no judgement here however I am fully aware that this is judgmental as hell because I am a judgey person. 
Sir, so sue me.
that's all...

coffee thought...

It's been great lately...
 And by great i mean insane as all it can get.
Imagine getting a call that your brother is missing. And that folks have not seen him in 2 days.
And that he has been speaking to himself and having conversations in his head about the validity is the thoughts in his head. And imagine you call his job and there is no one that saw him.
And so you work with the sibling and friends to do the things you need to do- like file a missing persons report.
 You call around to friends.
You are relentlessly annoyed by his ex-girlfriend because whatever I'm doing is not enough (to her).
I drive around to his known places maybe he would be there at all random hours.
 I go to work.
 I try not to (and fail) at thinking about the things that could be happening and the thoughts of how this world treats a six-foot black man, a six-foot 300+ lb black man, let alone a six-foot 300+ lb black man with a mental illness.
 And you call hospitals looking for John Does that could fit the description and pray none fit the description. Finally 4 days later, in recalling the hospitals they check the psych ward of a place and he may be there.
 So I leave work and head over there to meet the other sibling and it is him.
There. Again.
We chat about life and he has to get his medicines regulated (because he has been off for some time) but there is that mess. And the there is his ex who is the reason he is in here to begin with. And his constant choice to be with her- or have her in his life, or love??
But we live in a world of choice and free will. Remember that...
Not more than a week later bro #2 goes to the hospital on a Saturday with chest pains. Let's be clear this one just got thru admonishing the other for lack of taking care of himself. Well turns out homeboy ain't been taking blood pressure medicine and not been taking diabetes medicines and has early congestive heart failure and one of his kidneys is failing because of this- lack of being in good health and care for yourself.
Note this one has a live in lover/ girlfriend/ love of his life for over 6 years and all that and this so where you are? Who are you being? And then gots the unmitigated gall to be upset and the one visit I made to him in the hospital.
Dude, with these choices you made that directly affects the choice I made-
free will, remember.

So I am over hospitals and care and bothers and I am very very clear on why I am alone because there is no partner in this world that would be able to be with me all thru this and support me and not loose their mind and their non-family stuff.And I am very clear on the person that I am who gives and cares for them and honestly will always love and want to have them around and be the brothers/ family we are supposed to be but I cannot be this savior or this healthcare person nurse nancy or anything to anyone. I cannot dare have someone mistakenly love me and have to deal with my family stuff because I know that I have a lot of things going on and I know that me alone is enough of the bat-shit crazy that a multitude of people can handle, let alone one lucky ass person so I know that they would not be equipped to handle me and all that my family issues. 
So yeah. I am very very clear why my heart is what it is for love. 
I am not equipped to deal with this. 
But it is a good thing I do not have to worry about all that, now isn't it.
that's all...

I am not immune

I am not immune

Considering I had an allergic reaction to life (or oatmeal or salad or strawberry shortcake) a few weeks ago and had to go get some steroids to help a sista out I felt it time to get an allergy test. Had to wait for the referral from my PCP but got that and went to this place on union square. This first 2 hour visit was 'interesting' and by interesting I was like WTF! To do a test or to test what you are allergic to they put random sample of things on your skin (the simple little needle prick) and 1/2 hour later if there are raised marks on the skin then I am allergic and the severity is from 1-5(?) anywho in this day and age their ain't no better way than this?


(This is both arms all marked up with a pen. Real sophisticated stuff. )
Well obviously not, as this first go round was the environmental tests for dust, tree pollens, molds, general things. And rodents. And rats. And roaches.
Say what?
Yes, in NYC they test for all them things considering NYC has all them things. Who knew!
And apparently I am allergic to German roaches as well as standard American roaches. So even my allergies are bougie. Great.
But also aside from that she prescribed be a crapload of prescriptions cause maybe my immune system and ph is off (according to the doctor). One of the scripts is an epi pen which I didn't get from my regular doc cause of the $159 price tag. For a one time use. Just in case. Uh no- but I think she gave me a coupon so maybe- cause I would have to remember to carry it..
But interesting to note I am also allergic to tobacco. Good thing I don't smoke but I have to stay away from all that.
So now I have to go back for the blood tests for the real stuff (nuts and bolts and oats and wine) could you imaging me allergic to wine? I'm about to go wine tasting on Saturday and that would truly be sad.
Oh on another note, leave it to the random questionnaire to actively point out how pitiful the nonexistent sex life really is.



I mean unless I can be allergic to the penis or the balls or the... Then why are you asking that question? And on top of that (no pun intended) since I wasn't in here because of an allergic reaction to sex why is that on the questionnaire? Why is that on my questionnaire? Are you mocking me random form? Does that happen in real life? Is this something else I now need be concerned about? Allergic reaction to the D. Great. For that, I'll get the epi pen.
HashtagPriorities.

Waves...

Chilling at the beach
connecting with the waves
writing with the sun
God is good.

coffee thought...

Maybe it's a skittle...

(Or lack of coffee thoughts)
I got nothings- which is 50% true and 50% false cause I have 100% issues that are streaming in my head but 0% interest in spelling them out right on this train ride here... So first and foremost in my head is securing something warm so that I can focus on what's really important...

Oh, and someone lost their 'blue pill' on the train today... Hopefully it's just a temporary misplacement in the Matrix of it all... Hopefully it is not one of them 'other blue pills' because it is way too early in the morning to think about all that...

that's all...

Relationship woes (not it)

It is amazing the lengths
and depths
that people will go thru to say they are in a relationship.
I wonder if someone is continually treating you in a manner
that is not how you want to be treated
if that is something you continually put up with
just to say you have someone.
Like for example,
 you live and love with someone
and they are not the person you are use to.
Their moods and their care of thyself is severely lacking
and that is affecting y'all relationship.
Why stay?
Why put up with that?
What is love other than to continue to so the same things over and over?
What's love go todo with it?


Sent from my iPhone

It's must be the way things are

Because I was speaking to a very intelligent friend of mine who happens to have some dating debacles of her own- but one common theme is that these men (when they do get up the courage to ask ya out or be out with ya) they want to turn all possessive on you like Daffy Duck and his 'mine mine mine' scenario. They want to wife you and make ya barefoot and pregnant within 3.8 seconds of meeting you.
And have the nerve to vocalize that complete with crazy stares and crazy creepy behavior. And while being a wife (yikes) and being a mother (double yikes) is something I want (one day) DUDE- can you not come on all crazy in the immediate meeting of you- I mean I appreciate your honesty but damn.
And this is why I am single-- cause settling for bullshit because society says I should (and crazy bullshit at that) ain't for me.
that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: May 19th, 2014

You have a lot of mental energy and are eager to "attack" intellectual or conceptual problems. You are likely to come up with a clever solution or a very workable plan, especially if you brainstorm with others. You also tend to make up your mind very quickly and decisively now, and to translate your ideas into action.

I am eager to attack...
but I think I have misdirected anger issues
and the conceptual problems are more than conceptual
when they are actually in your face
and I definitely have made up my mind..
well, kinds sorta

that's all...

coffee thought...

I have been trying to figure out why
Why is it that we need an A-ha moment to get it?
Why is it that we need a multitude of bricks crashed upon us to determine that oh, maybe I should catch the signs and pay attention.
Why is it that some people cannot get the hint and others cannot stop seeing the signs?
These are the dilemmas that are wracking my brain. For example:
Bro #2 just had surgery to remove one of his toes- due to complications from diabetes.
How is it you have a significant other and you have not made it to the hospital and she has been in the home with you smelling your putrid foot?
And [for the record] I do not blame her- because we all have a certain amount of personal responsibility here, and there is but so much another person can do when you won't do...
But what gets me is that how you don't want better for yourself or better yet how claim you want better for yourself but don't do better?
And how she- your choice- your love- don't do/say something to make you want to be around for a very long time with her? I DON'T GET IT
And on another note- how about if I am gonna have a surgical procedure my significant other better be there by my side otherwise you are not that significant and I can do without you. And I will find another other.

I am just perplexed because

1. He names me health care proxy because I am the responsible one. Do you know what responsibility that is? Here I am asking the hard questions (do you have a DNR in place? What about extraordinary measures- do you want any? What if they need to remove more than what they expect what's your choice?) and having asked these questions of my mother when it was that time I am like wtf? Again?
2. When I ask her what her thoughts were, she had none. could not answer. OK lady- that is the only time I am soliciting input cause clearly you are not the one to go to in this emergency situation. 
3. Why?
4. Like I previously mentioned- any lover of mine better be there for support of me or else there is no reason to be in my life... 
5. Is this the state of relationships today? Is my idea of support and love soo different and antiquated that it is OK to miss surgery?
6. I feel soo scared, alone, angry, hurt and helpless at the same time. Good thing there is God Present everywhere...
7. I need a hug
8. This is changing everything as he has must do better or else more things will get chopped off.

Sometimes my mind hurts with all the unanswered questions and the thoughts that I think are right, and common sensical yet are apparently extraordinary and like too much?
Sometimes it is all too much, I mean we aren't supposed to be getting more than we can handle, right?

And it is also amazing to see who steps up (Bro#1 girlfriend) which is amazing. I mean who knew?

anywho...pray.

Happy New Year--kinda late...

Happy New year!
I mean I am 7 days into 2014 and 2 days back to work so that is a plus.
A plus because work was closed due to the ridiculous amounts of snow experienced in the NYC area...
(sigh)
I need to move to Bermuda stat...
anywho
What has happened in the previous days of my non blogging self?
Well, mostly just figuring out some things about myself for myself AND watching a bunch of movies (crash, a wonderful life, Mandela, horror stuff) had a great time at a NYE party at TD house (#nobehaviorcrew) and then a good chill session.
Today.
It seems like chef has had a relapse and has checked himself into 'the place'. What is troubling  (not only about 'the place') is that we (his other sibling + me + his other aka girlfriend) had a real conversation session on Sunday about their relationship and the parameters in which they show love.

Side note:

why is it folks come to me with their relationship issues?

me the currently non relationship having one?

me, also the one who is looking for love but coming up empty.

me, the one who also know what is not acceptable/

what is a deal breaker

and what is not tolerable.

eh.

I guess it's me.

It wasn't working (the conversation and space between them) and proceeded to make everyone involved some tea (hey, I'm part British and it soothes the soul) I chatted with them some more and tried to determine their intentions--- hell, everyones intentions for that matter---and clarify those intentions and actions toward each other that they do to get to their love.
Also wanted them to communicate better and make things work (that's just me, but that aint my business)...but at that time , could tell bro had checked out of this part of reality and was entering his world.
What does this mean?
Well, being back in the hospital means he has access to folks he can talk to to probably help better get situated to the things that are going on.
It also means he recognizes when he is in need and that is better than being forceably placed.
He also said that they appreciated the chat with me and I know what I am doing.
I guess...
I hope.

Update 1/21/14: bro is out and doing fine. a little reset button never hurt no one.

I happen

I happen to hate these cancer commercials.
You know the ones where there is someone who is magically (or medically) cured of cancer...because here they are- a testimony to this wonderful doctor or hospital  or treatment.
I really happen to hate these commercials...  
I mean hate with an unnatural,
seething,
vehement anger
and prolonged hatred.
(I have since determined that this is borderline not OK.)
I don't want to do harm to anyone (per se)
BUT...
I mean there is something about them THAT makes me feel like because I couldn't fly to Atlanta or get the 'right' doctors to diagnose (early) and provide the 'right' treatment then I failed my mother in the cancer process. I hear (via them commercials) of those who had advanced staged __ cancer and viola they are cured because of whomever caught it.
They were saved.
Whomever was able to work it out and give then a life beyond this cancer thing.
Give them more time with the ones they love.
Give them one more laugh, kiss, cry, etc
Yippie for them.
I just hate them commercials.

122/74

blood pressure 122/74
I guess that is normal
 Weight XXX

Temp 99

I went to the doctor because of the pain in my left foot which is apparently plantar factious.

They also  apparently want me to stay off my feet for several days and elevate it.

This means no walking, running, hopping, dancing, cavorting, etc.

Unfortunately this is not possible since I am currently working like a crazy person as well as preparing to go on a cruise vacation that I have been looking forward to forever.

And I am supposed to take Advil to reduce the swelling for 10 days.

 

ALL OF THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I EXCERCISE!!!!

AND TRUST ME WHEN I SAY EXCERCISE I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT

INSANITY OR SOMETHING REMOTELY SIMILAR...

 

Apparently my body shuts this shit down in the worst way.

 I can't understand why.

I don't know how.

 But here I am having to drive into work these next couple of days and pay for parking

(like you have the extra $45 to spare + gas $$)

 because I can't do the walk to the bus to the train to the office for the next couple of days.

Maybe I will park tomorrow and try the drive Thursday / Friday depending on the severity of the pain

which like a vicious cycle would put me in more danger of damaging my tendons.

And then not being healed.

I left the doctors office overwhelmingly sad because I am not sure

exactly what I did in this world to 'deserve' this

and the tears of course were coming down my eyes.

I am just tired.

 And stressed.

 And tired.

And limping on the train.

 

Oh- the bright side?

My blood pressure is normal.

Without taking my pill today.

Even tho this right here is stressing me out

 

Oh the bright side #2

A dude just gave me his # in the train.

While I am sitting here looking all evil

and know I have on my

do not fluck with me face.

 He winked at me and told me to call him.

Okkk

 

Coffee thought... From my granny

Thoughts from my granny.

So I called Bermuda on Sunday to chat with my granny. Seeing as how one of my aunties is in the hospital I figured I should check in more. (being the dutiful Granddaughter I am)... Well there was supposed to be this surprise birthday party on August 12 for her as well as a family reunion. So it would be nice to attend (if I had the days off and the $700 for a round trip ticket). Well in chatting with her, I discovered something:
 she is set in her ways. Like really. Set. In. Her. Ways.
 So I have a cuz who has a handicapable child. 4 yrs old. Down syndrome. apparently granny does not want said child interrupting her party as "she will have a lot of folks there from her church" and "not that the boy can help it " ya know (according to granny...cause that is what they do). 
Really Granny???
I just shook my head at her (well, at my late father cause this is what he left here) and truly remember some words someone once said {people don't change. EVER} and politely say everything will work itself out.
What else can I tell an 85year old woman who has seen a lot in her lifetime, survived 2 husbands, had 10 children, etc etc....
Oh it gets better... She goes on to state my cuz was warned this would happen (at her age) and she went ahead and did it anyway. (anyone heard of FREEWILL???) 
Then granny proceeds to tell me (wait for it- no; not that I am awesome--though that would have been nice)---no let me relive the convo:
G: "what YOU look like trying to have a child at YOUR age."-
 Me: (stunned) huh?
G: "like I said, picture you having a child at your age; you knew better than to have a child, at least you have some common sense."
 Me: granny, I am only 6*6 ;) 
G: exactly. 
 Me: (nervous laughter ) granny, thatbmakes no sense. eventually I wish to have a kid (right?)
G: well I mean ..(.and then stumbled) then said you don't have no one to help you and no prospects now. But if you decided to have a kid I am sure it would work out.
 Me: did she just use my same placating line on me??
Summation: in granny's eyes I am too old to have a kid and my eggs have gone to rot.
Great rotten eggs. And I barely like eggs!!!!
I truly wonder if granny really thinks I am a lesbian or just some malfunctioning lost American girl. (sometimes I think so too- the latter not the former.)


Sent from my iPhone

not ok not today

I have been crying on and off all day trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Typically on any given Saturday in May I am out driving around 'searching' for something to do/ hanging out, doing things that have my mind occupied and living.  I have been crying on and off all day- beating myself up with the range of emotions and feelings that have been going on- and it ain't even that time of the month. I feel like such a failure in life, specifically in love and romance. I have not had a committed relationship.  I have not been romantically linked to any male entity in what seems like two decades.  I feel that because there is no romantic love in my life I am definitely not worthy of love.  I feel that everybody else in this world (or my immediate family & friends world) has and have received and are in love and have husbands, wives, kids, significant others that give them something to live for. Right now, I don’t have anything remotely like that in my life and feel truly like giving up. I feel like the wish, hope, dream that someone will love me is truly that- a far off wish a diminished hope and a pipe dream. I cry tears for the love that I feel is no-where in my life. I cry tears for the emptiness that I feel. I cry tears for the ‘family’ that I will never have. At almost 36 years old there is not much I should be in flux about- but here I am.  And then the tears. And who can I call on and try to get some motherly advice. Whom can I call on to say, you are ok Tasha, you are doing ok and someday someone may love you.

I have been crying about my mother for the past few days because with this entire mother’s day stuff it is extremely overwhelming. It is extremely irrational to feel like a motherless child because I had my mother in my life for damn near 32 years.  I want peace, comfort, love, support something and there is no where I can find that. Not in my home. Not in my head. Not in my heart. Not in my mind. I feel crazy in a very real and tangible way- yet I can’t be crazy. I am the responsible one.  I am the one who has to hold it all together.

I am watching my grandmother go thru this cancer treatment and in and out the hospital. She is asking me to recall and re-live the similarities that her treatment is vs. my mother’s short lived fight.  I try to explain to her that they had different cancers and different treatment options and my mother only had less than two months of active treatment before she passed away. The fact that grandma has surpassed that already + her 87 years is something already.  I try to be comforting and uplifting, and supportive to everyone around me. I try to keep it together. I try not to feel envious that some of my friends and family have their mothers actively in their lives (for better or worse) and I don’t get to have mine. I don’t get to complain about my mother interfering with my choices. I don’t get to have my mother to buy a stupid mother’s day card for, or take her to dinner or go on a trip with. I don’t get my mother to wish me any more happy birthdays or anything like that. I just don’t get it anymore.

And I am supposed to be ok.

And yes, I went to therapy-- two years worth. Some things help (some guilt has been resolved) and other things left un-done.

Still not ok.

google doodle '12

I think the end is in order

My therapist and I 'terminated' today.
Good. Anxious. Scared. Accomplished. Hopeful--All those words sum up today. I think the end was in order. There is much celebration in completion. And in completing acts. This is just that-- a completion of an act in my life. It's over and I truly feel the better for having done it. I have journeyed to this place where the road is still unpaved, rocky and unsure but I know where I need to head and have a consistent trustworthy guide to guide me. Knowing that- NO truly knowing that is something I am thankful for. And getting here was not an easy road. But everything must end for something else to begin.

Part of the reason I write, went to therapy, started this journey was a few things: dealing with the sudden passing of my mom and how I grieve- was that normal? Am I sane? Am I doing this right? How do you grieve right? Am I going thru the stages of grief correctly? What happens if I miss a step? Do I ever get over the passing of my mom?

Second issue was dealing with family/ friends and my identity with them- are they supportive? Are we in a mutually beneficial relationship? Do they lift me up as much as I lift them? Do they give as much as they take? What do I allow to happen? How do I change the nature of the friendship when all this time I was allowing people to take advantage of me and now I no longer want that to be our friendship? How do I change my perception?

Third issue was work: Am I making a difference? Is this new position (at the time) something that I am prepared for? What can my boss do to support me or what can I do to get where I need to be. How can I support staff and make this a productive environment for all of us. Do I really love what I do?

Fourth issue: love, romance, significant other. What is holding me back from love? Why don't I have someone, how do I feel about myself (body image, Intelligence, looks) and how is my self image helping/ hurting my chance for romance? What gives out there? Am I going to be alone forever? Maybe there is no one out there for me, right?

What's next? More living, right? More doing? Right? More trying, giving and being a responsible human being? right?
 Just more...

Doctors visit 3/8/11 10:30am

130/80 BP- 80 is my normal bottom. I am not sure if that is good or bad considering i am on mess for that.

Weight__{less than an average baby elephant @ birth which is 232} wait. I need to loose more. yeah.

Wanna get a HIV test? It takes 20 minutes for the results. Ummm errrrr- was my response to the kind Hispanic nurse. Sure. She was like oh it's always good to know.
Then why oh why am I nervous to get an HIV test? I mean we all good, right? I mean seeing as how I have never done anything and nothing with no one you would think I am all free and clear, right (unless I was born this way ala gaga) Seeing as how i know i have test anxiety this is not a good look. You would also think that having this knowledge would make how I operate in life better- like more knowledgeable. But you know me- you know I worry about meteors gracefully falling from the sky and crashing into the earth effectively killing us all (Armageddon much?) you know i worry about failing at things I have no interest in attempting (Just in case i get the urge to try said things i wouldn't want to be a failure at them, ya know?) You know I worry especially about the things I want to turn out right (such as love, happiness, commitment, success etc).

So I worry.

Update #1: 3 needle sticks in a attempt to find a vein and there is no blood. What the hell? Am I bloodless? If you cut me apparently I will not bleed for they cannot find any veins that run thru me. It is utterly hilarious as I have not had anything to eat (this is supposed to be a fasting glucose) and am feeling like I am gonna faint. It is now noon and I have been up and about and active since 8. with no food from the prior 6 pm eating hour. This is so not good.

Update #2: I am HIV negative. So I know where I stand and how to continue that way. sheesh, I guess I passed. good thing, right.

Update #3: After 2 more needles, it is now time to proclaim "I am no pin-cushion". At this time I am like DONE. Nice Hispanic nurse politely puts 5 random ban-aids on me. 2 bugs bunny, a daffy duck, one flesh-tone (not my flesh-tone) and one of an inderminable character which is rather frightening.

Update #4: They send me to this place where they were supposed to be better at this, apparently not so much as I sit here for 2 hours effectively making me late for work even tho I took a 1/2 vacation day and still no blood. The utterly rude and damn near incompetent nurse practitioner there was upset that I was going to faint because of no food (at 2pm now) and after an announcement of "Me no think we seeing more of youth today right now" [translation-->they are not taking any more people] I was like give me my paperwork so I can leave. She was mad because "me deh pon already stick the sin-ting pon de sheet there, so me cannn give it back" [translation--> she already put her stickers on my sheet here, so she can't give it back] I told her I don't care where she put her stickers, since they did not see me I need to leave out of here {in my head i was thinking she lucky she old & i am weak at this moment cause I would have removed the stickers for her}. I waited while she carelessly ripped the stickers off the form and gave it back to me. So I went to grab food (COSI TBM cause i was starving - not the 1/2 but the whole) and went back to work. cause work is never done!!!

and guess who has to fast AGAIN to have to do this AGAIN so they can figure out what is wrong with me ?

So if

Ifthe world is your oyster and you are allergic- now what?

What is that saying about...

What is that saying about opening a can of worms or not wanting to open the can of worms because once it is opened you have to deal with all the worms that come spilling out?

Imagine that.

Imagine everytime you think you have one little worm back in the can (cause we all carry our worms in a can, right?) that another little worm comes slythering out.

That is exactly what therapy is like only bigger, badder, and better complete with actual feelings emotions and consequences.

I can partially deal with feelings (i feel) and quite frankly deal with emotions (keep em' hidden) but give me consequence and give me death.

Perilous is the nature of the line of questioning for the day.

See I thought I could just let it be-
it be what it is and never visit it
or touch it
or react to it-
just let it be.
Make no sudden movements around it
Hell not even acknowledge it
and just let it be.
Fortunately I was able to live for a long time like that-
I mean life keeps ya busy when you need to be...
and I never did take the time to look for it again
cause I figure when it was ready it will come.
Like rain to the desert
or solace for a sinner
IT will come.
Unfortunately
sometimes it is too late
and after periods of drought
and stages of perpetual sin
it doesn't come for you like you want it-
doesn't even feel like it used to-
it just doesn't satisfy what it needs to
it just isn't enough.
If the garden isnt watered
the flowers no longer bloom.
If the sunlight never nourishes
this world does not grow.
If you don't get it in time
there is no substitute-
if you miss it
it will hurt you.
If you don't see it
you may not know it anymore
Now I can't say when exactly
I realized it wasn't here no more...
again I say life keeps you busy when it needs you...
but please
Remember it
Acknowledge it
Cherish it
Hold it
fuck it

It's crazy..
I am too.

coffee thought...

Therapy is a bitch
Self discovery is a motherfucker
And I am just a bastard child

sent from iPhone