Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

At the end of the day

At the end of the day
I just want someone to say
Hey
Good job.
You did well.
Or try again tomorrow
I love you
I support you
You matter to me

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: July 31st, 2018

Release from restrictive circumstances and pressures is the key issue of this time period. 

Obligations and responsibilities are not so demanding now, 

and you are able to enjoy a greater level of freedom in your daily life.

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

today...

After today, that is the truth. 

What I do know is that

God is good

All the time 

and 

All the time 

God is good. 

Fall back..literally.....

Grace:  Ma'am

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Good day

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 me:  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 Grace:  lol

 me:  how you doing?

 Grace:  how are you?

Im here.

In these streets

 me:  i was just reading your status' (plural)

dying at my desk

 Grace:  LOL

LMAO

 me:  trying not to get fired

 Grace:  which one?

 me:  the one w the tiddies

smh smh smh sm h

 Grace:  LMAOOO

because

I was like. we're soft as WHAT now?

 me:  i could onky imagine your face

hahahaha

welp

this dude this weekend

smh

he outted himself

 Grace:  who?

 me:  talking about he like men to give him a BJ

 Grace:  wait

 me:  this dude i was talking to

 Grace:  whhhoooooooooo

nooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooo

 me:  YESSSSSSSSSS

 Grace:  where did you FIND him>>>

????

 me:  i damn near CUT

him

 Grace:  Lorddddd.noooo cries in downlow teas

tears*

 me:  SERIOUSKY

 Grace:  Did he not think that was a problem??

 me:  HE SAID WHATS THE BIG DEAL

i was like

SIR/ MA'AM

i specifically asked you if you liked peen

or anything like that

 Grace:  Sir/ma'am... LMAOOO

i

died

 me:  i almost cut him

and politely left the dinner

 Grace:  Why did you ask him that?

Did you have an idea?

 me:  legit-- nope

 Grace:  hhhmmm

 me:  and i have a good gaydar

 Grace:  wow

 me:  basically a gay couple came in

obviously gay

and he was like eww ill omh

i was like whats the deal i mean to each his own

he was like it should be kept inside

tho they suck a great dick

i was like oh...oh.... oh you know from experience? i was joking...

he was like yeah (*NOT JOKING)

i felt myself blink MAD SLOW like for reals?

been talking to him for 3 months

smh smh

 Sent at 4:22 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Sorry. phones

hold on

OH

MY

GOD

What did you saayyyyyyyy???

Lord

 me:  i was like oh.. OK.

then took a long drink

and was like-- no no not ok----

 Grace:  NO! not at all

 me:  i said i specifically asked you if you was homo (sorry for the non PC words here) i specifically asked you if you liked men

he (46 by the way)

was like i aint ever f*ed no dude if that is what you asking

 Grace:  OMGGGG

nooooooo

 me:  then i asked if a dude ever f*ed him-- he was like HIGHY OFFENDED

like get the f outta here

 Grace:  nah, breh

 me:  then i asked have you been in jail

 Grace:  You aint got no right to be

 me:  i didnt ask that question before

he said nope

sooo i said but it is perfectly OK for a dude to suck your __

 Grace:  so you never been to jail

 me:  he was like look

 Grace:  BUT

 me:  its just a BJ

its no big deal

 Grace:  you're letting dudes but their mouths on your peen?

no

no

no

o

no

no

no

no

SON!

 me:  EXACTLY

i

had

 Grace:  Where they do that at??

 me:  nooooo

more words

i was like ok

dis tew much

 Grace:  Ahreed

 me:  i said thanks C (charles is his name)

i'll be outta here in a few

 Grace:  wow

 me:  i finished my drink and was  out

------------------------------------------------------

 Grace:  WOOOOOOOWWWWW

I cannott.

Has he tried to contact you?

 me:  mind you -- we kissed

 Grace:  ughhhhhh

 me:  never sexed

 Grace:  ok good

 me:  EXACTLY

i was like OMG

yes

he been texting and left a few voicemails

i textged him back like you dont see nothing wrong with that

he was like it was in college

i was like i do not care if it was yesterday

does time matter

 Grace:  wow

I am disturbed

lol

 Sent at 4:31 PM on Monday

 me:  you

he is still trying to debate me about being 'moral' and judgmental

 Grace:  wow

 me:  (this stems from a prior convo on why i would not have sex with him after like 2 months)

 Grace:  no, sir. you need to address your true label and flourish in it

you're bi

and that's ok

but not for me

 me:  no judgement but we legit saw eachother a total of 3 times--- no thank you

EXACLTY

and that is OK for you

not for I

but he is saying it was one time

i was like ok

and

sooooo

that was my 'fall back" weeken

 Grace:  yikkkkeessssss

No Sir

 Sent at 4:37 PM on Monday

 Grace:  I'm sorry that happened

 Sent at 4:39 PM on Monday

 me:  thanks Grace

it is just another thing...

or one thing after another

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

random words of yesternight and scrutiny

Yesternight

Soul searching seemed to stop me dead still.
I know what I want to do
 (you)
You know where you ought to be 
(here)
So if I try to ignore the deeds done in the dark
Of yesternights of long ago
Will you appear?
I wonder...
Where does that leave us?
What do we have?
It seems all we have is memories
Moments mired in misery and regret...
and yet
These fond memories
The carnal pleasures past
Left my soul in shambles
And my body longing for
So subtly
I say
I know what I want to do you know where you ought to be here?

Scrutiny/ scrutinitious

8:52

Somehow someway

'Just the way you look tonight'

Is off

It is 98.4 degrees in here 

and you have on a long sleeve turtleneck 

down to your knees. 

Now,

Not meaning to look at you scrutinitiously

But

There is something 'off' 

about wearing your 

Dior glasses in the dead of night.

So tell me something good

"Do you believe in the power of love"

coffee thought...

Baby I love you

(baby baby)

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Baby I love you

In an Aretha mood 

on the train today

Baby I love you

Baby I need you

Baby I want you

All of them things 

huh

and in that order 

please

Thank you in advance to 

the Man of my dreams.

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...



Interestingly enough I am focusing on some of the things about me that I love lately...
And I am very very happy with that.
With me.
Which is something that I sometimes feel like ohhhh I can't celebrate me cause that is boasting and that is like conceited and that is generally not what good catholic girls do. Be humble! Be virginal! Sacrifice! Repent!
Stuff like that...
Yeah that is the doctrine I was taught.
I didn't fully buy into it but I can truthfully admit I test drove the hell out of the humble part and the self sacrifice part and the... well you know part (no need to like, you know expose every everything)
And now- nearing this magical # in this world that some folks are sooooo ashamed of and some folks never get to see... I am amazed at
Me
Gasp!
Like I am amazed I made it this far given some circumstances... South Bronx bred
I am amazed at the things I have witnessed (poverty, war, triumph, terroristic attacks,) but also births, loves joined, weddings, life, loss..
I am amazed at the travels I have traveled (Ghana, Morocco, Canada, Bermuda, California, the list goes on)
I am amazed at the people who have choose to leave- for whatever reasons
I am amazed at family... However it is defined for you.
I am amazed at the people I have loved
I am amazed at my capacity for love even tho...
I am amazed at my friends and the eclectic wonderfulness that is them- individually and collectively
It is all amazing

Just thought I'd share that.