Coffee thoughts

Coffee thoughts

I thought I didn't have anything to say but that's a lie
You see, here we'd are say 2 of July in the year of 2019 and I am like what the perpetual fuck??? Is it so hard to find a decent man out here in these streets? For the life of me and about to be the death of me I am like sir, Sirs- can we talk?
For instance, I have dabbled here and there on this dating app as to put myself out there. As out there as I'm Going to be since I Am Done with the loud young clubs, blind dating, set ups, unrequited loves lost, married men, unsure of their sexual preference boys and the likes of the sort.
The truth is I'm just a simple woman. Who wants love. Period. I'm not asking for anything more than I care to give but then again what am
I willing to give? That's thought for another day
Anywho
I'm on this dating app trying to meet sane men. Apparently, this is the akin to the quest for the lost city of Atlantis or big foot (hey- maybe all the good men are in Atlantis? )
The randomness of the responses to my profile range from you too beautiful to not have a man hidden somewhere (thanks?) to I find you look just like my sister and that turns me on truly (no thank you).
And I am trying to figure out if this is what is left out there in the world.
Are these the 'lines' that are doing it for the ladies out there?
Are these the actual lines and intentions of Men that are attracting the coupling?
Lawd-- if those are the words that are supposed to be doing it [whatever it it] then I am not the one for it.
Keep me out of it
Keep it away from me
Like, No  for real.
Men out here cannot be saying this reckless shit and expecting seriousness of the responses, like really?

I'm at a loss.
And I lost at this Game of Love thing...




Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

All I can say is:

If this is a test

I am woeful

 unprepared

And

In danger of

Failing out

 for the whole

Semester

that's all

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

Random...

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

note to self... words I found

"It's easy to feel uncared for when people 

aren't able to communicate and connect with you 

in the way you need.

 And it's so hard 

not to internalize that silence 

as a reflection on your worth. 

But the truth is 

that the way other people operate 

is not about you. 

Most people are so caught up 

in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety 

that the thought of asking someone else 

how they're doing doesn't even cross their mind.

 They aren't inherently bad 

or uncaring—they're just busy and self-focused.

 And that's okay.

 It's not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. 

It doesn't make you unloveable or invisible. 

It just means that those people 

aren't very good 

at looking beyond their own world. 

But the fact that you are—

that despite the darkness you feel,

 you have the ability to share your love 

and light with others—

is a strength. 

Your work isn't to change who you are;

 it's to find people who are able to give you 

the connection you need. 

Because despite what you feel, 

you are not too much. 

You are not too sensitive or too needy. 

You are thoughtful and empathetic.

 You are compassionate and kind. 

And with or without anyone's acknowledgement or affection, 

you are enough."

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

This is why

I don't care. 

Because 

When I am (or my mind is) someplace that just ain't good...

And I am in one of my many evil moods

Just sometimes 

It would be nice 

If someone attempted 

Tried

Cared enough 

Hell, faked it just once

And endeavored 

Ventured And strived

To get me out of my own head. 

Like really. 

Because

Sometimes 

Most times 

I think it would be nice

If there was 

A proverbial hand to pull me up and out

Or the empathetic ear to listen and shit 

And someone to care to do that 

But 

this is why I don't care

Because

That someone ain't out there 

(And talking to yourself is frowned upon even if you live by yourself or love by yourself)

that's all...

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

When I need help

 And There are times in my life- specifically this very moment at 1:49 am (New Orleans time) that I need to talk to someone because my crazy (thoughts/ emotions/ feelings) are threatening to stay with me throughout this night- and therefore making me 

1) not able to stop thinking

2) not able to stop feeling

3) not able to sleep (hello insomnia)

4) not able to be even remotely productive

5) vulnerable to destructive behavior 

What gets me about me is this is me- and that is not ok [with me]

I want to talk to someone about me- but how dare i want that for myself (that which I give others freely?)

I want someone to listen 

I want someone to love- no right now I want someone who specifically loves me in a way that I can be this crazy and not feel like oh God, they are gonna take this personal because of something I said or they said or something they think they did. 

I want to talk to my mom (I can't even say my parents because I never had any adult conversations with my father so who knows what that would have been like)

I want to not cry as I type this but not care if I cry because I'm human, right?

I want to know its going to be alright 

I guess/ know it's my fault I am in this position here because of all the things I did I made it this way- conversely all the things I didn't do made it this way as well. 

Well there are times in my life I am this way- not because of any other outside influence but just because of my mind and who I am being and how I want to be and who I think I am and what I think I deserve and what I have worked for and what I have given into and what I have given up and what I have yet to do. 

This is one of them times when I just wish  I could call on someone or go to someone or be able to REALLY cope WITHOUT the need of...

I guess I'll stop rambling and close my eyes and say my prayers and just breathe. 

Just breathe. 

Random dream- bridges over water

Dream- bridges over water

I had a dream that I was under this bridge and trying to figure out how to get across the troubled waters. The bridge looked to be a combination of wood and metal but I was in a grassy area and I was stuck. What was interesting is that I know I couldn't go over the bridge because there was a troll on the bridge blocking my way (scary troll at that thus I was trying to hide and move at the same time). Upon the water/ currents I see fish in the water (reddish/ orangey ones) and I know they are dangerous to me- but I HAVE TO CROSS THIS BRIDGE.  Staying still is not an option- but as much as I am trying to look for materials  to build a boat or a pole vault (why I think I can pole vault over this big ass water is besides the point) I cannot find anything to make into some sort of assistance. On the other side there is comfort- safety there/ stress-less awaits me there as I know this troll thing won't be after me and I know I would be safe. Now- I have the desire and the where-with-all to try to craft tools to get out my situation but I just can't. And my mind is racing against the rising current on this sunny day. Odd. 

I woke up very frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to get myself out this situation that apparently I got myself in. 

Is this my life? 

Who is the troll? Trolls belong under the bridge- so by me being the one under the bridge am I the troll?

Am I subconsciously blocking my own way (as a troll nonetheless) and do I really lack the skill set to help myself?

Am I that helpless that I can't cross a raging river full of pariahs and eminent death to get to my safety?

sigh....

coffee thought... Daily Extended Horoscope

You're not in the mood for loud noises, bright lights or music that's any more raucous than Hayden, or maybe Yanni. So be sure you've got the ambiance you're after, and don't settle for less. You're perfectly entitled to silence when you want it, and you need it now. Besides, you might need to get away for a couple of days to feed this mood of yours. Not a bad excuse for a trip to the country, where there won't be any tourists to deal with. Maybe a road trip? Oh, you'll think of something.

Yeah so this is my current mood and maybe it is time for an escape route of some sort... Because the things that in dealing with coupled with a few sleepless nights equals the not-so-lovely-me being all present and accounted for. Sometimes my twin (yes the evil one) needs a good run on people so I can READ THEM TO FILTH AND KEEP IT MOVING.  

Yeah.. I guess before I do that I may want to vacate the premises or current surroundings...we shall see. 

Flights of fancy...

that's all...

But wait- this other Horoscope says:

Letting out your deeper expressions of feeling to another can make things especially intimate right now, but make sure you express yourself clearly and are not misunderstood. The perfect time to feel "at home" with someone, either literally or figuratively. The only thing you'll not want to be is idle, the energy and vibes are too intense to just sit on your hands.

Is that for the other twin to process and act on? (basically what feels like crazy on an ordinary day?)

so sorry

So sorry to have intruded on your life. 

Won't happen again.

Sent from my iPhone

I would be

I would be

Remiss if I didn't mention

The things that have happened this January

Lost keys in elevator shaft that ultimately tested my patience and strength. It also forced me to focus on my vision board and make that a reality.

The following week lost my parking cars and had to get a new one wit borrowed money from bro #3 as that was a severely unexpected expense. Did end up going to the gym.

Ended up in jury duty and then end the emergency room with horrific muscle spasms. 

Incredible. Bad. Pain killers needed.

Working thru some things that make me challenged. 

And then ... 

Challenges that make me me.

Such was January.

Family business

February albeit a short month consists of a lot of things happening. First off, grandma turned 90, and is as crazy as ever. As per usual I called and sang to her cause I mean she calls me and sings every year and why not return the favor. (And who doesn't love my singing?) anywho, the "family" took her out for a "family" dinner minus a particular section of "family"- basically no invite to the party. Now, am I hurt- yes. Will I get over it? As per usual, yes- cause see this just solidifies who & what "family" is and means to some people. [Of course they wanna be "family" when they want $$ from me or when I was taking care of their responsibilities as they were creating their own "families"]. Now, I know bro #2 is who he is and that truly he rubbed everyone the wrong way with the way he left the apartment and was (and still is) putting his life on FB.. But what the hell I did?
After some thought, I can only come to the conclusion- hey it wasn't me and leave it at that- does that stop me from showing up (to Grandmas & getting my hugs? Absolutely not, cause I need a hug every now and again) but my interactions with the other "family" members will be in direct reaction to their actions.
that's all...

Someday...

my love will say

and I will know

and trust

and love 

until then

i cry to the stars

and let the moonlight 

dance on my tears

that's all...

to the man that hit my car

I do not know what made you do it,
I do not know why you decided to come off the highway and stop irrationally close to my car.
And as I notice you in my rear view mirror, you then proceed to hit my car.
And as I get out the car I can see the choice you have, which is to swing your car around mine and attempt to get away
or sit there as me, a black female approaches you, a white male in the car.
And you have a firefighter plaquard in the window.,
And you put the phone down as I approach.
And your eyes are glazed over from what seems to be a night of inebriation
And you look at me as if I am the crazy irrational black woman who walks up to you and says
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck did you hit my car?
And as you hold your hand up as if I am going to do something I realize that
you have no clue
you don't know what you just did
and
I ask you if you are alright
and luckily you had on your seat belt
and I say you know drinking and driving kills
as well as you should fucking know better
and I have a cousin who is a firefighter and how dare you
and take your ass home before this gets ugly
and drive your car in front of me so that I don't get hit again.

My cousins are alight. I am alright.
But I am not OK

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

Why

Why
Is it so hard
to say I love you
Because
When I say it
Is just sitting out there
Alone
Unacknowledged
Unaccepted
Vulnerable
And lost
So I choose
To protect my love
And not say it
To you