Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

Dream last night

Dreamt that there was this muscle bound chocolate dude 

that was showing his tattoos to me 

(and TRS) 

and I was laying on my right side in a bathing suit (cornbread fed) 

and hair was crazy curly/ hands folded like prayer under my cheek.

 He was showing many things on himself and then putting on oil. 

Yummy.

 I was like OK, then closed my eyes to go to sleep. 

TRS was on her computer. 

We were all 3 in a room (looked like room from childhood bedroom). 

He takes some lotion and semi paints in on my leg tat (thigh) 

and then rubs it in

 sensuously and massages

 the lotion and my thigh talking about

 we have to protect your art and it's fascinating. 

He is rubbing with his right hand

 as his left is between my legs but holding/ propping up the left leg.

What is interesting is that I am surprised

 he is rubbing my leg but thrilled (😱)

 and he is looking at me mischievously sliding his hand up.

 I look over at TRS 

ho is busy on her computer 

and I lean up to put my fingers under his chin

. He kisses me oh so softy and I am melting.

 He then puts my leg near/ on his shoulder and is massaging the leg with both hands

 (deep tissue) 

and I am trying to position myself closer to his waist.

 Why? Hmmmm

My other leg I am resting on is already curled behind him 

so he is intimately involved in my area down there... 

I mean it is a dream, right? 

He moves his right hand to pull slide me closer to him

 by my right waist and turns my head toward him.

TRS is no longer there (yay!) 

and he has 1/2 his clothes still 

and is just Adonis like. 

Smooth and close hair cut. 

Beautiful smile and mine.

And ready. And so am I... 

That is what I remember.

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

And at some point

I am loosing it

And by it I mean any semblance of 'good' that I thought I was
Am
Are
Like for example,
here i am in this world living and working and going about my daily life.
I pray. Do good. Exercise more often than not. I consider myself kind, caring, etc (just so we are clear that does not mean if you are not these things as well you aren't as good and don't deserve) but basically all that stuff has lead me to this place of unsatisfactory being.
And in case you think I am magically praying for and waiting for a companion to 'save' me, complete me or whatever me you are beyond utterly mistaken about me and should cease immediately reading this blog.
No, here is what it is-
At some point there has to be an it's your turn- you get to go, you get to try this out (relationship/ male companionship/ possibly cohabitation/ lest we go into the realm of physical touch)
And at some point there has got to be an enough is enough of this singled life that you are living and working at.
And at some point you think wow, you could possibly be loved cause you certainly do love
and at some point you are entirely mistaken with that whole thing- but because you have some semblance of faith you preserver really well and even live and happen to enjoy most of the life you are building...
And at some point you look around at your family and friends and peers and thank god for them and think at some point you can too have something/ someone to share them with.
And at some point you don't know what point you get real good at not expecting it for you- whatever it is- cause that point you can't recognize at all.
And at some point you think about the things you are not- specifically someones choice. Someones reciprocal love. Someones risk. Someones heart.
And at some point you believe the things that society is saying about women like you- unattached, unwanted, undesirable and hell maybe even undeserved.
And at some point you kind of hope for the end to be nearer than the beginning cause this story can not fathom a happy ending.
At some point you stop feeling
And at some point you ask God to remove those desires from your wants because if it is not meant for you (children/ companionship, etc) then remove those wants from your heart and soul and you can refocus on other things that matter to other folks and leave those matters of the heart for those that need use of their heart.
at some point....

You're all I need to get by...

Like sweet morning dew/
I took one look at you/
And it was plain to see/ 
That you are my destiny...

There is something about this song (Aretha Franklin version, thanks) that makes it easier to believe there is someone out there willing to love and support you and know that
you are my destiny.
It is a great great tune to like ascribe to someone who you does all these things for your love.
Stand by you like a tree...
And it is reciprocal because...
Darling in you I found...

Sigh...
It is something that I tend to think of describes my love with the man of my dreams--
the currently elusive man of my dreams
 but the myriad of love of and from the man of my dreams would kinda be set to the tune of this song.
Along with I want your sex..
And freak in you...
And 1/2 on a baby...and well you get the point.
Sorry I digressed...
that's all...

coffee thought...

To think that I thought these three things about my life:

ONE

I thought I would have my parents here (physically) 

TWO

I thought I would have had...

THREE

I thought I had a possibility of being loved by... him

hmm

like i tend to say

those were just thoughts wasted.

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

I done said

I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
 And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
 and change the nature of this relationship
 and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.



but I done
said
all that I was gone say

Secrets

The thing about secrets is
The only way to keep a secret is to keep it-
as in not share it
and
just deal with it.
Especially if it is yours...
I was in the car with my cuz and we were discussing
[all that jazz]
and
I was like
it's not like I... well it's...
And she was like
what are you saying???
Now, I interpreted the horrified look on her face as
a horrified look
and
quickly astutely changed the subject.
because burdened be or not,
since this secret is yours (mine) you (I) need not worry
if it will come out if you (I) don't share it.
sounds simple.
so simple
"it could all be so simple... but you'd rather make it hard... loving you is like a battle... and we both end up with scars..." thank you Lauryn Hill
I mean, sometimes I want to tell- tell those that don't know... tell those who i think would care...
And just be the "__________" blank woman that they think is associated with IT.
I mean insert any adjective you may think as IT
but IT is what it is.
So for a person like me, who loves to communicate and am stifled by this thing
who do I tell?

coffee thought...horoscope time

 

maybe...I mean it is Wednesday... happy hump day!

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

{30 for 30 ~ day 8}

There are

Some days

Where I

Wish my

Silence was

Visible for

You to

See

Because

On those

Days I

Tend to

Speak louder

Than I

Need to

So that

I can

Confuse you

And then

You won't

Hear my

Deafening cries

Whose left...?

Whose Left to Love the Black Woman?

This is a line from being Mary Jane that is resonating with me at this moment (getting caught up on all the craziness that is this show about a 38 yr old successful African-American woman who cannot find love/ man/ kids to complete   love her & make up the perfect picture of her life that she dreamed of - and the life that folks think makes you complete with all them things because if you do not have all them things you are not enough)
Anywho... this statement is because she was chatting with a very successful African-American male and he said something to the effect that African American men are targeted in this society (true) and it is more so than the women which is why they choose white women because they show them love (something asinine came out his mouth in this show) and she said while ya'll men running around being victims and choosing the white women who (some) helped create and foster the threatening stereotype of the African- American man who is left to love the Black Woman?
Considering she has to be all things to everyone (strong, intelligent, resilient, caring, nurturing, amazing, powerful, educated, sexy & chaste at the same time) who is left to handle all that?
I found that to be a good question (not that I agree all black males are running to white women) but I agree that with the perceived or real lack of good qualified men out there 
where does that leave me? whose left?
and just like the last piece of random food on a plate (already picked over and passed over and not wanted) does that mean I take 'what's left'? Are we (I) running out of options and should I be looking into a new kind of meal?
Hmmm... i believe i have lost my appetite...

that's all...

Crusin..

I'm in that kind of mood where I want to be 

Crusin with my love, 

carefree and in love, 

just being cool..

enjoying each other

even in the silence...

Baby let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby

Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

Tonight...

Tonight
I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda.
You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone.
You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressed in a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts]
We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel.
We ended up driving on South Shore road  and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course.
As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...

some thoughts....
1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No.
2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you
3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy.
4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration?
5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me.
6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no.
7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.

eh, it was pretty idilyic.

Why

Why
Is it so hard
to say I love you
Because
When I say it
Is just sitting out there
Alone
Unacknowledged
Unaccepted
Vulnerable
And lost
So I choose
To protect my love
And not say it
To you

Trust

umm hmmm hmmm

right about now

i'm gonna need you to trust

trust what is happening between us

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to feel

feel these emotions that fill the silence

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to love

love every bit of me

and

right about know

i'm gonna need you to know

know that this is right

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to taste

taste every piece of me like sin

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you

you

inside me

you

next to me

you

over me

you

behind me

you

holding me

you

touching me

you

licking me

you

sucking me

you

stroking me

you

fucking me

you

kissing me

you

loving me

and

right about now

i'm gonna need

ummm hmmm hmmm