So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

More like coffee thoughts and the myriad of things running thru my head.
Work has kicked it up a notch (or 7) and I am in the midst of transitioning (yay more leadership) but with that I have lost two going on three folks from my team. This means the remaining members need to step it up but also I need to make sure they are competent to do so otherwise I am stuck and then I am the one who can't move forward.
sigh...
that's all...
oh-
and I wish sleep would return to me
because the things that are troubling me are things I have no control over
and if I have no control over them
then who can I turn to [yes of course God...]
but I mean
don't he/ she got bigger things to conquer
than singing my soul to sleep?
eh...
now
that's all...

coffee thought...

Currently flying at 39453 feet in the air traveling from Fort Lauderdale at 529 miles per hour over Savannah at this point. Going home.
Home.
That is something that I am thankful to be able to have is a home. I was visiting (with my sister girl TD) at my other sister girl house.
It was a lovely time- basically where we were able to rest relax and
just be.
And we talked cause we all can take up a storm. But it was soo good to see pearls again after having not seen her in quite some time (since I drove her to Florida).
We went to the beach and (according to them) were attacked by fishes.
It was the funniest thing. The sand on this beach was hot as hellfire and we were doing our best bay watch runs to the water and was thoroughly enjoying the food drinks dranks and drunks. Lol. As we were watching the birds dive down near the pier and scoop up the fishes I felt a little fish by my foot and was like oh. Well we are in the ocean so I guess it is to be expected. Then TD feels a fish. Then pearls daughter was like Ohhhh mommy you better get out the water (she gets skeeved by these things) and the next thing you know there was a school or a damn near university of fishes (mind you these fish are like 3 inches at max) swimming by us. Let me tell you the craziness and the screaming them ladies did. I was cracking up laughing and they were grabbing on to TD for safety:
FYI we are in boob high water and FYI #2 we were swimming topless so 'they' were jumping out the water and the while damn beach was watching. You can't make this stuff up. TD was like (all deadpan) monotonous get off me.
 I died. apparently, being of Island parentage and used to fish and fish swimming near you/ by you and of course being that I am part mermaid, sea enchantress, goddess I am used to things like that...
Gotta love the silliness.
But on a serious tip, because of the spiritual beliefs and God that we believe in she cleanses her house spiritually in a regular basis. We talked about some of the things (spirits and prayers) and last night
was interesting if the nights that I was troubled in my sleep (prayers AND had to sleep with the light on) 
There are some things that are un-explainable...There are some things you don't ask questions on
that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

Today's Gemini Extended Horoscope

Gemini, Daily Extended Horoscope, Thursday, July 31st:

You're full of groundbreaking ideas right now. And they're not selfish -- you're all about contributing to humanity and establishing a niche on this crazy planet. Even if you can only improve your small corner of the world, you'll consider it a success. So what if people call you idealistic or a bleeding heart? You know what you're all about and you know what makes you tick. Let the naysayers spew their negativity. Your karma is as shiny as gold.

Yeah baby, I am all about that life...
karma, she ain't that b*tch today (or maybe she is dressed impeccably that i cant recognize her)
but I am establishing my niche in this crazy planet by clearing the boxes out my rooms in my apartment little by little and letting go of things I thought were important...
funny, how the things we hold on to and end up moving sometimes don't matter anymore.
well, maybe they matter but I guess if it serves no purpose (no improvements or anything happening because of said object) then what am i holding on to it for?

that's all...

coffee thought...

sigh

something told me

to speak my truth

today

and i did

and with that truth

i think

no-

i know

i may have

opened up

more

than even

i

was ready for.

the funny thing

about

the truth

is that

it is the truth

even if it is not

spoken into

existence

sigh...

 

that's all...

coffee thought...

these words are some of the words/thoughts/feelings/emotions that i can truly say i have/am/had/were feeling at some point [past/present/and i am sure i will feel in the future]

Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.

 

  

I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

 

   

I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give.

 

   

I think I made you up inside my head.

 

  

I'd say go to hell, but I never want to see you

Happy New Year--kinda late...

Happy New year!
I mean I am 7 days into 2014 and 2 days back to work so that is a plus.
A plus because work was closed due to the ridiculous amounts of snow experienced in the NYC area...
(sigh)
I need to move to Bermuda stat...
anywho
What has happened in the previous days of my non blogging self?
Well, mostly just figuring out some things about myself for myself AND watching a bunch of movies (crash, a wonderful life, Mandela, horror stuff) had a great time at a NYE party at TD house (#nobehaviorcrew) and then a good chill session.
Today.
It seems like chef has had a relapse and has checked himself into 'the place'. What is troubling  (not only about 'the place') is that we (his other sibling + me + his other aka girlfriend) had a real conversation session on Sunday about their relationship and the parameters in which they show love.

Side note:

why is it folks come to me with their relationship issues?

me the currently non relationship having one?

me, also the one who is looking for love but coming up empty.

me, the one who also know what is not acceptable/

what is a deal breaker

and what is not tolerable.

eh.

I guess it's me.

It wasn't working (the conversation and space between them) and proceeded to make everyone involved some tea (hey, I'm part British and it soothes the soul) I chatted with them some more and tried to determine their intentions--- hell, everyones intentions for that matter---and clarify those intentions and actions toward each other that they do to get to their love.
Also wanted them to communicate better and make things work (that's just me, but that aint my business)...but at that time , could tell bro had checked out of this part of reality and was entering his world.
What does this mean?
Well, being back in the hospital means he has access to folks he can talk to to probably help better get situated to the things that are going on.
It also means he recognizes when he is in need and that is better than being forceably placed.
He also said that they appreciated the chat with me and I know what I am doing.
I guess...
I hope.

Update 1/21/14: bro is out and doing fine. a little reset button never hurt no one.

Some things are true...

Whether you believe in them or not.

City of angels.

12.22.13

Everything

Everything.
Happens.
It is surprising (still) to see how the universe brings people together and how small the actual world is.
What brings folks together is shared experiences and life in general and sometimes I am amazed at how random it is and not random at all this all is.
So if you remember last year this time I was preparing to go to St. Thomas USVI to go witness the lovely wedding of my two friends. Well, i mentioned the experience I had flying out from Miami and how there was a service for this fallen police officer. Moving experience.
Fast forward to me training/ part of the expanded role of what I am doing (waiting for the expanded $$ but then I would be waiting forever) and we have interns- one of which I interviewed in March at our higher ed recruitment day. Here we are: 3 weeks into training and he tells me a story about this is coming up on the one year anniversary of his fathers death [no, I don't know how we got on that and no I don't know what it is about that moment that made him share] but he mentioned that his fathers body had to be flown back from Florida to St. Thomas for the funeral. I was like literally getting chills because what a stranger coincidence, right?

 I dig back on my blog and I happened to name the fallen officer-

and sitting right in front of me is his namesake son.

Talk about wow.
Talk about WOW.
So is it a coincidence that I saw that last year and prayed for them all in the way I pray for all those who loose someone (cause I know about that specific loss of a father and a mother first hand)
Is it a coincidence that he applied to NYU and was interviewed and hired by me and now I am training him?

Eh, life has not many coincidences

and is full of happenstance.

This is just one.

Sent from my iPhone

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day

Something about Mother's Day makes me think about the days I no longer have
physically with my mother. 
What is sad is that I do tend to focus on what I don't got
versus what I do got
and this makes me sad.
I know I have been blessed to have had a mom like mine.
I know for the short time I was raised by her
and lived with her
and loved with her
I was truly a blessed person but yea-
in a world where everyone is out to get theirs
and they must get there's before you get yours otherwise it ain't worth getting-
it makes me think of scarcity
and how for some strange reason I think of 'enough'.
Is it enough?
Is there enough?
Specifically in relation to Mother's Day...
My mothers love - Did I get enough?
Parenting- was there enough? [between both parents that I had and lost]-- was there enough parenting of myself and my siblings on the goings on of being a great woman (me), being a great man (for the brothers), recognizing a great man (for me), etc etc...
Discipline
life lessons
bonding
mother- daughter time
laughter
tears
quiet time
appreciation
gratitude
was there enough?
Is it ever enough?
Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I know you can never get enough of your mothers love.
Period.
So, since it was determined that my physical time with her was ended, the love (I gather) is eternal and that will just have to be enough.

Happy Mothers Day to all.

google doodle courtesy of google.

Coffee thought...

Today is going to be a better day than before because you are present.

That is how I approach this day.

Yesterday I had dinner with my god sis and was reminded of her awesome beauty intelligence and grace in surviving and thriving at some of the obstacles that were present in her life. Seeing her attempt and accomplish some of her goals really make me proud and seriously know her mom and some others are beyond proud of her. We had enlightening conversation which further reminded me that wisdom is not only reserved for the 'old' but also not to disregard those right in front of you.

that's all...

coffee thought...

well actually tea thoughts as i have given up coffee for lent this year. this is definitely an experiment of the mind, body & soul...or just another insanity test that i like to put myself thru. eh, we will see. we will also see what affect/ effect this has on my interactions with the world around me seeing as how i generally rely on the soothing effects of caffeine to start, continue & end my days.

such is life.

speaking of life, thoughts & prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Japan & the subsequent tsunami's out there- it is amazing and a bit scary what this world is capable of.

that's all...

coffee thought...

today my coffee is a blank slate-

wish my mind could be that way for once as well.
again there are too many thoughts that are racing around

playing touch football with my emotions...

these thoughts usually go to 'momma- may-I- take 3 GIANT steps'

but usually get denied

(kinda like playing red devil red devil what color do you want?)

my colors [thoughts] always ran green straight thru

like they are running a race to the end

(quick fast and in a hurry)...

today my strength is playing 'hide & seek'

it is very good at the hidden part.

I, my soul is stuck on 'freeze tag'

waiting for someone to unfreeze me...

that's all...

Vacation in St. Thomas= blue water

i know i am an island girl.

I crave BLUE water constantly. My soul needs to meet a sand+ocean+ calm serene island life at a minimum annually (but truthfully I would love to be able to do monthly jaunts to any island to satisfy my soul-as Bob Marley eloquently put it) but finances aren't what I like and thus must settle for my retreats when I can. Two weeks ago I went to St. Thomas USVI with a few friends (and one...) and had a great time. I relaxed a bit, swam on numerous beaches, thought ALOT about life/ love/ world/ people/ adjectives/ pronouns/ verbs, visited historical plantations and learned, argued with 2 ornery cabbies, drank a fair bit of libations and reconnected with friends and most importantly me.

Necessary & needed I am ready to go back to the water.

4-5-10

i purposefully did not post on 4-5-10.
that day i spent thinking remembering and in perpetual movement still doing what needs to be done.
I still miss her. I miss my mother.
and so with that i made the final payment on my fathers' headstone/ grave-marker. somehow putting a marker/ headstone there serves as a physical reminder that
"someone was here".
He was here, he lived. MY father was more than just the figment of my imagination.
Putting that there on that particular day helps me know that 'something' was accomplished from moms' will or wishes...something that she always wanted to do was done.
So what do I do next?
Live.. and never forget.

contacts

contacts
right now i am in a mood. i am feeling distraught, despondent and depressed. i am overcome with sadness remembering my mother and just some of the things leading up to her final days. i know i should focus on the good times but all of these experiences happened, i cant ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. i need to talk to someone, i want to reach out to somebody because i know i need to talk to someone
and out of all the contacts in my phone there is absolutely no one i can call at 1 am with my madness. isn't that insane? there is no one in this world that i can call to bring me from the edge; no one i can cry to and certainly no one to call (physically) this lovely hour- because yes i have already called on the Lord to comfort me right now.
so what is the point? i need to re-evaluate my contacts