Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison



Sadly we lost an icon of an amazing writer and a Black woman who wrote of the experience of Black people- spoke for Black Woman and just eloquently opened my mind up to the ways I can be allowed to express myself.
The fact that I feel allowed to express myself in the manner I do- sometimes fully, Sometimes not at all, sometimes too much sometimes not enough - the fact I can write all those things is a testimony to her paving the way and being.
I am eternally grateful for all the Black women writers who kicked down doors and showed us the way to go.
Thank you

Grandma...

Is gone. 

I am at a loss

and 

while i can say there is no more pain

this hurts.

coffee thought...

Heard some words of wisdom today:

Every funky biscuit has its moldy chese!!

and to that... I'm out!

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

(Patience/ Risk/ Why/ Handsome)

Patience / Risk/ Why/  handsome 

There are some things worth waiting for 

And they also say

Some things worth risking it all for

And 

There are some questions that are never answered 

By you 

So

...something that I have never had much of 

Is Patience 

they say patience is a virtue

And because there are other virtues that are move valued- 

Such as drive / ambition/ success/ accomplishments

Patience is one I  have never had a use for...

It is something that just didn't suit me 

at times

But now, 

I am lost 

Trying to figure out how to feel

Trying to patiently wait

Trying to understand how you feel

Wait

Do you feel?

This?

After all I am preparing to risk 

Why am I so...

Crazy

Unhinged 

Mad

Raving

About the thoughts that I thought of you 

And the thoughts that I thought that you thought

And the thoughts that you thought 

Are keeping me up

Lessening the sleep that I already don't get

To mere minutes spent wondering 

Thinking 

Contemplating 

Conspiring

Listening... 

To these thoughts 

In my minds eye 

the most perfect way 

this could be 

would end these doubts and misery- sometimes my mind goes

 to this perfect place 

where 

we 

choose

Us

and are handsomely rewarded 

With love like air

easy and freeing

palpable 

tangible

Real

Here 

But 

since this is reality 

and my patience 

is wearing thin 

to nonexistent 

and my heart 

is asking why 

and my body 

is shouting 

take the risk 

and my mind 

is saying, 

slow down handsome... 

Time will tell

Time does tell 

on you

And 

This time has come 

To set my heart free

I choose

And this is how it has to be

Mainly for my sanity

Waiting Patiently for my freedoms 

For my breath to come back

Again

For my nights to be mine again

For my heart

To beat

Again

Patiently...

Waiting...

For...

Family

Family...Is the cause of joy and equal amounts of heartache and pain and my family in particular is one hell of a peoples.

For the past 2 weeks I have been dealing with my siblings in the hospital- one with congestive heart failure and one with the mental issues that have plagued him and I am trying trying trying to just breathe
I am trying (and feeling like I am failing) at being the good sister to them both because what does that even look like? I mean I am sympathetic and empathetic and am worrying about the well being of both of them and I am trying to coordinate care and information sharing between the two and don't even get me started on the 'fiancée ' or whatever that is because welcome- you want the title well here is the responsibility and all that comes along with that partnership. I mean some days I feel for her and wonder what she got herself into and other days I am like 6 years in hey step it up, right?
And the other one that wants what he wants (ex/ his apartment) and the detrimental issues that come along with that.
What is this sister to do?
I pray and call and visit (although truthful I have not been to the mental hospital because I may want to stay myself ) thru all I am going thru with work and friends and feelings and

EMOTIONS AND ALONENESS.

Yes. In all caps. Bold. 28 font. All that.

I selfishly want someone here for me to comfort me and support me thru these trials- hell I have been the major support for the majority of the folks in my life yet when it comes to me- here I am. I don't know how much longer I can do this - superwoman and strong blackwoman facade because talk about impostor syndrome.
And all I want to do is cry but physically I'm not able to do that because I can't
And I can't
And I can't have these thoughts of not getting up and just staying where I am and not doing
Cause I am not allowed to be the one that needs help and I am not the one who is allowed to ask for anything for me from anyone I am the one who has to figure it out- for myself and for everyone else around me and I am the one who has to be responsible and be... Together
But separate
Funny.
Family... The family that could or would be there to support or whatever thru this is no where to be found- at the first sign of disruption to the wonderful image presented dropped like flies. Which I mean is great since you get a sense of where people stand with you, right?
So, you also get a clear picture that the sacrifices and things you did for others is NOT anything that can be reciprocated for me.
Remember that
And you know at the time I was sacrificing my time and presence and things for folks I was not doing that for anyone or any thoughts or anything it was just something that needed to be done and I did it. Others was out and about living their life and I was there. I was present.
I
I was a damned fool.
But hey, one life to live and lesson learned.
Too bad tho
I would have enjoyed my life too ya know
But I digress
And here I stand- balancing precariously the health and decisions (the sisterly ones) I can make for one brother while doing the same for the other.
And I want my mother and father here- selfishly for me
Selfishness is a great trait of mine.
Because I tend to want what I want when I want it (of course working for it) and yet, always keeping in mind the fairness of it all
But selfishly wanting them to say

Hey, you doing alright baby

You are good (enough)

You are worthy of love even...

You are beautiful

And you are ... Ok

But
Those are words I will never hear from their lips again
And my solace (like a broken record) is the fact that she is no longer in pain
And my strength is (was) the things I thought I could do
But realizing
I am not special
And I am not capable
And I am just faking the funk
Just waking up
Here
Not even present
Just here
Again

coffee thought...

Trying to tie up the loose ends before I go on vacation...

Thinking about all the relaxation I want to do 

and all the sleep I have not been getting and needing to get...

At this point I am trying to see what my mind is trying to tell me

 since it is keeping me up at night with the worst of dreams about violation

 and trauma and death 

and life lost and hate 

and oh my goodness just things that u can't even imagine.

 I wonder what my subconscious wants me to know

 and can it please try a more affected

 and  affectionate way of telling me 

during normal business hours? 

Thanks...

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

Loving you {30 for 30- day 9}

Loving you

Is like pouring water

into a closed bottle.

A closed and empty bottle. 

I am pouring and pouring 

and realize

After some time 

That this task is useless

That I am wasting this water 

On this empty vessel

You. 

And I should stop. 

I should not waste 

my water on you 

I should not continue 

To nourish

Feed

Sustain

Cherish

Enhance

Care for

Maintain

Entertain 

You

I'll save my water

For someone 

Who truly 

Appreciates

The wonderful benefits

Of 

My water. 

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

coffee thought...

Coffee thought

I sit and wonder is it worth it?

I am trying to be

The best person I can be

I am helpful

Sympathetic

Empathetic

I am funny

Sarcastic

Intelligent

Hell, I'm a charming motherfucker.

But I am just

Not

Enough

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

Fwd: Dance

As I sit here listening to this song-

Dance with My Father (Luther Vandross) and I think about dancing- wheather it is doing the wobble or some other break it down move that comes out this day and age, I also think back (or forward) to the more acceptable dances that we as a society perform out there...and dancing with my father.

I am random in the thoughts that plague me at random times- mother thoughts some nights, father thoughts other night, random other folks thought random other nights, and i think (HA!) have I ever danced with my father? Is this something that ever happened in my lifetime? Is this something that I remember (or should remember?) Is this some fantasy that I dreamt? Is this something that daughters & sons should do- regularly- and dance with their parents because...
So every time I hear this song, from when it came out I always identified with the 'I would do anything to dance with my father again' sentiment because, let's face it, there are things that I wish I could do (or did) and having a silly little dance seems like one of them.
I think i remember that we kinda sorta danced in the street one time *or maybe this is some damned wishful thinking I have* and remembering that he held my hand...maybe...

coffee thought...Horoscope: Gemini: May 6th, 2014

So apparently I needed to watch out for these things... who knew

Stop and go feelings today make headway a tough go, feels like two steps forward and sometimes more than one back. Although the energy is in the air to over strain yourself, if you wait for the most opportune moment you wont' need to push too hard to attain what you want. Wait, and the barrier will go away. What you want may not come as fast as you'd like try to have a little patience.

What is said and what is felt may not at all be the same today, so watch out for inner contradictions coming from those around you. Putting pen to paper may mean a rewrite down the line, so be careful what you sign, and intentions and reality may not be on the same page. A better time for winding things up than diving in.

life is about the contradictions, no?

Day 27- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

Zephyr

Memories fade

As time tells tales to those who watch the hands move

Swiftly stories untold by tongues held tightly within

She seeks him only to be lost

Thrown off course by the quintessence zephyr of his being

Unfathomable that she knows him

She new him prior to rage and pain and hurt swelled in his core

She discerned the shame and lust that unconsciously dwell in his heart

No room for intimacy, no room for peace

Vile familiarities span his core that once was complete with narratives of

Intimacy, tenderness, adoration and she

Gone is he who promptly thieved her love and sheltered it away from eternity

Vanished is the experience of them in passionate ecstasy

At this time, unaccounted for is her remembrances of him

The memories are fading and the stories are tales of times past their time

Abruptly moonlight moves beyond the shadows cast

Alone she searches for he again

Longing to forget trying to remember

Past.

Day 6- 30 for 30 [National Poetry Month]

You’ve changed
And the feelings that you once had
Are no longer present
Towards me

You’ve changed…

Something about the conversations

We have been having
Leads me to believe

You’ve changed
And
While change isn’t always bad

This. Cant. Be. Good.

You see
I notice the non-questions asked
But always there
To get rid of me
I notice
The impatience of your
Touch
To get rid of me
I notice the rushed tones
In your voice
To get rid of me
I notice the sighs
To get rid of me
I notice the rolled eyes
To get rid of me
When I think
When I speak
When I breathe
When I …
I notice

You’ve changed

And. This. Cant. Be. Good,

For Me

coffee thought...

sigh

something told me

to speak my truth

today

and i did

and with that truth

i think

no-

i know

i may have

opened up

more

than even

i

was ready for.

the funny thing

about

the truth

is that

it is the truth

even if it is not

spoken into

existence

sigh...

 

that's all...

Day 2- 30 for 30 (National Poetry Month)

2:34 am Insomniac moments



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Loudly they scream

Silently they say

It is all an illusion

A façade of false

A pretense of pretend

A lot like love…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

The louder they scream

The more my conscious hears

This is the truth

Wrapped up in the words

That are the reality

Of this heart...

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

That are guiding my heart

Into this dangerous place

That I can’t trust or fathom...

And I can’t concede or believe

Deliberately…

But I know that

Or at least I thought I knew that

Because



Blindly

I listen to the conversations in my head

Battling for control of my mind

Leaving my thoughts tainted

This spirit be damned

My soul shattered

My core corrupted

Peace will never be with me

And I can see that…

Because...

Thoughts at11:44 pm

Thoughts at 11:44 pm

I am tired. 

Tired of the feelings. 

Tired of the empty space. 

Tired of the words. 

Tired of the thoughts. 

Tired of the implications. 

Tired of the dull emotions

Tired of it all. 

I am tired.