Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: July 3rd, 2019

You've got extra support if you look for it. 

It's a good time to crank up your creativity 

and give birth to something new and exciting. 

You can do it by yourself, 

but you might find you get further

 if you draw other people into your plans

 and use their willing help

 to propel your propositions forward.

here is to hoping this Mercury in retrograde don't fuck up my shit. 

that's all...

small miracles...

Tiny miracles are great- don't get me wrong- I mean a miracle is a miracle... it just may not be enough to save us

- grey's anatomy 

Today is a day I feel that this is more true than not. I am looking for a miracle <tries not to break out into song ala SASA days> and so far I can't see one happening. I am sure opening my eyes, taking a breath, getting up out of bed all counts and I should be more than thankful I can even accomplish those traits on a daily basis. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am... also very aware that sometimes it is a miracle I am here- still. And not the alternate in the depth of darkness that I feel on days. 

So

I appreciate the miracles all around me- I thank GOD daily for the colors of the trees and the presence of my mind and I thank GOD for just being random some days. 

So I appreciate the miracles- small that I am. 

But, as that saying goes

It may not be enough

that's all...

This is... is this?

This is
Exactly why I do not go out... and by out I mean out to the club settings.
Most of the club settings I have recently been setting in involve me standing in heels
 (looking extra cute)
but painfully aware of the things that are going on around me.
Like for example the wonderful colors of the band launch
  and seeing all the colors of Bermuda
meeting NY people in a rooftop bar in NY.
And seeing the married man
 causally and not so subtly
checking out the other married man
who is standing with his wife at the bar.
His hand on her lower back.
She is chatting away with some girl there
and he is making sexy eyes at dude.
 Interesting.
And she is none the wiser.
More interesting
And the wedding ring is nice,
 but it is just an adornment
[kinda like their marriage I assume].
And I go to the bar.
Get me a cool drink.
Drink.

Repeat
Wait for Peachy to show up
Drink.
Watch another couple... couple
and decide to leave
Cause
I can not go out
and watch couples
couple
at home.

coffee thought...

Back to work after a lovely weekend trip. One of them 'escape the world' specials that i can do- drove to Canada to see Niagara Falls considering I have always wanted to see them and two I have never seen them it was my civic duty to drive up there and cross the border and take a look.


Day 1- My road buddy this time was TRS as she got the hotel room on lock. So I drove. And drive. And drives some more. We talked about a lot of things and when I say we talk about a lot of things specifically love and lost and the loves we lost and the crazy men that we loved who were really boys in men's suits it is really enlightened as to what we discover about the truths we are holding on to about love. Or love we thought we had. One of the pivotal thoughts that came across Is the love we thought we deserved (individual of the love we shared with these men- such as emotional, physical, spiritual and otherwise). At any point in the equation was that ever received or was that just perceived by what I thought I was getting- which I maintain is not love cause from what I heard love don't hurt you like that (also love don't cost a thing and love don't live here anymore but I digress).

somewhere over the double rainbow

As we (I) drove we stopped a couple of times at random NY rest stops and even saw a double rainbow so clear and pronounced. It was amazing.

A we approached the Canadian border it was time for the passports to be produced and I was like ok no prob- we Americans so yay! Dude was all about to shoot me down like where you going and how long you staying and why you staying so far from the falls and do you have any firearms, knives, mace, pepper spray or other contraband? I was like shoot should I, it's just Canada? After all the questioning, I was sweating and felt like I done stole something. Sheesh. But then the real fun began as the speed limit immediately turned into kilometers and motherf* I can't read kilometers and I am horrible in math. Brief panic set full fledged panic set in as I am driving cause who trying to get a speeding or non speeding ticket and how much is that in American dollars?   Anywho, we made it (cause I had to pull over, call AT&T and inform them I am abroad and please don't shut off my phone) for the GPS to continue to work and then kept a driving. We found the hotel and then went out for the evening. FYI Canada is cold as fluck. Overall. Really cold as we are north. 

me+drink=happy place

We ate some fine food and then had a drink or two and headed back to the hotel room.

Day 2- we get up to a continental breakfast and successfully found other black people to chat briefly to. We knew our plan was to head to Niagara Falls and figured have GPS will travel. We did ask them for directions and found it was like 49 minutes away (back towards NY) but hey we go where the cheap rates are. We drove and found parking in a lot and walked around. Got a ticket to see the view of the falls from a space needle vantage point and the amazing GOD beauty that was the colors of the leaves was truly awesome. There are no other words for that.

view from the top

We also took a few pictures cause you know your girl had to and even saw some glass blowing (reminiscent of Chiully). Then we walked thru this part where we saw some Canadian geese (or are they just geese since we are already in Canada??) and some maple leaves which were cool.

duck duck duck Canadian goose?

We ran across some dinosaurs (no lie!) and thoroughly looked at the souvenirs- you know I have a magnet collection going.



Jurassic Park- not

Anywho the beauty of nature and the falls had me (a simple island Bronx girl) in awe of God's awesome wondererousness (my word).

Canadian Selfie!

As we approached the falls and you hear the loudness of them and the mist from the falls is rising to the sky I am transported back to before this was a populated tourist attraction and thinking about what the original inhabitants must have thought- to harness this power? To respect and cherish this natural resource? Just beauty. And then I think about natural erosion and how things happen in the world. Crazy. 

#lifeofabean

So we stop and get another good Canadian meal and throughly enjoy the day. Taking with TRS about life and decisions and choices and what's next and lives lost and loves lost- you know my mind was racing. And then, just thinking about the things I thought I would be doing approaching my fourth decade on this earth, and not entirely unaccomplished and not entirely accomplished in everything that I wanted to do (and every person I wanted to do... but I'll save that for the not PG version) and I am like well damn, isn't this something. And as my impulsive nature can get to me I decide to sign up for the GRE so I can apply for the EdD and then possibly make this thing (career) a bigger thing (vocation? extremely profitable career? opportunity for growth and movement in my career? movement to another location in the lower states career?) I dunno...but $175 USD is off the credit card and there is no turning back (application due by 12/1)...so what did I learn? Internationally my insomnia takes on a Canadian accent just FYI...

We even ordered Canadian Chinese food- and mental note I happen to love my hood spots.

Day 3-  When it was time to leave the next day, we enjoyed continental breakfast again (yay!) and headed home. 

legit snow. no thank you

Now, as we were driving and before we crossed into the upstate NY area the skies got hella gray and would you believe it started snowing! Like legit snow flakes. Yes it is Canada. Yes it is north. Yes it is anytime after June 1- but dammit I was so not ready for snow. And the folks on the road weren't ready as well. There was a bunch of sliding things happening that made me slightly afraid. But the Lord (and his gift of superior driving skills)...

Anywho We stopped in duty free and believe you me I almost lost my damn mind. Crossing the border and going thru customs was an experience. Welcome to NY with that attitude as well.

Got home and all in all spontaneous road trips are all thumbs up for me!

Next time my visit will include getting on the boat (maiden of the mist) and even walking under the falls! Maybe even a male partner of mine so there can be some International love (cause I am all about the international relations) I crack me up!

that's all...

coffee thought...

Just been going thru a lot of emotions these past few days.
 Trying to find my peace of mind and my direction...
 Not that I'm lost cause I am still going forward
(I think)
but just a clearer road.
Today's coffee-less thought involves this commute
 (a follow up for yesterday)
and the lack of service the MTA truly gives.
 And the lack of flying fucks they give as we'll as you are literally trapped at their will
(and train traffic ahead when there is nothing ahead)
unless they count the rats crossing the subway rails as traffic which would be utterly humane of them.
Anywho...
Still trying to make it to work and ur is 8:57 and I am still in Manhattan.
Good thing I stayed until 9 last night.
 Whoo hoo.
that's all...

I done said

I done said
all
I can say
about the subject matter
and there is
nothing more
I can say
But I will
Cause
I am me
and
I have to say it
I am like
I'm good and I notice something(s) about my friends
and then when I tell them
(the folks that say they can handle my thoughts and worlds
and let's wrap that all up into the random musings of me)
oh hell.
It's like wow.
 And it's like clearly
I have a problem
so let's just shut you up
 and change the nature of this relationship
 and move from there.
I am like what?
So I give you what I notice-
not that I asked you for anything
and this is like nope- shift.
Well damn.



but I done
said
all that I was gone say

celebrating some things..

flashback to that time we celebrated May Birthdays 

*me* 

and I got recognized for an award for my mentorship services. 

Some folks came out (TD, GG, my boss)

that's all...

Purpose...

Purpose...

So in doing What I do daily, often often and more often times I feel/
ask: and say: what is the purpose? I mean sometimes 'this work' feels
like it is a lot (but never too much) and I can and do get discouraged
(hey I am human some days and lay down my superwoman cape a time or
two!) well... A fascinating email today...
And I am like oh, word, really?
Wow.
[so I had to be nominated for this award and the sexy young one  a
friend actually wrote a phenomenal essay]
At any rate, it's pretty cool.
And I'm honored to be selected.
and I'm going to be proud of this achievement and what I do daily.
Yay me!

Fool- 30 for 30

Fool

Maybe I'm the fool

For believing in you

Maybe the things you said

All those things

fooled me 

all the time

and maybe

It is at this time

that I regret to inform you

I am no longer a willing participant

in this game we play

I am no longer willing to suit up

Put on all my protective gear

(And Guard my heart most of all)

Against the opposition of you.

i need a more worthy opponent

one that is fair in battle

but then again 

maybe I'm the fool

Horoscope: Gemini: March 28th, 2015

You take life very seriously now. 

You question major commitments and decisions

 you have made in the past,

 such as career choices, 

place of residence, 

marriage and other major relationships. 

This is a time of self-analysis

 and questioning 

about the direction 

you have taken in your life.

Well isn't this the sh*t that keeps me up at night every damned night and twice on Sundays too?
I mean, while I live in contribution and do 'right' as defined by Websters et. al... I am often in wonderment of this direction of life... this path I am on... this choice that the universe says I am choosing? Like really? Like I am actively choosing to be single and live without companionship and without love or without having that relationship I desire or family and children that I dreamt about. 
The universe is saying this is my choice?
I need to see the receipts on that one, because this is not what I signed up for. 
I rebuke that sh*t.. 
But, 
until I get the proof that THAT is what it is, 
I feel like young Natalie Wood in the end of Miracle on 34th street
reciting
'I believe, I believe, I know it is silly but I believe"
and magically (via Santa, right?) her 'dreams' came true. 

I believe...
I believe...
I believe...

that's all..

Finding love at 115

Finding love at 115



Watching THE REAL (a crazy talk show) at 1:19am and they are chatting about this 115 year old woman who says the reason she has lasted this long alive is because she has avoided men. Say what? Is it like as in she ain't never had a man! No, she was married and then once he died she was thru with them- apparently they are more trouble than they are worth. It cracks me up to think that even at that age men (having them and being with them and etc) and then not having someone in her life romantically is  something she attributed to her longevity.
Now the ladies on the real (with exception to the 40 plus black lady) are married/ engaged and happily in love in some various form or another of love. So their view of the possibility of living this long without a partner or without love is something they (all the partnered people) could not fathom. The single lady pretty much let them all chat about the heartaches their men cause and the OMG can he just ______  [insert mundane task like pick up his socks or buy me more gifts or something trite and ridiculous that folks in relationships take for granted... Like the sole purpose of the male is to purchase her gifts is the one thing I am harping on... And the single gal says that sounds all great but do you hear what you sound like?]
 She made some silly joke and everyone haha'd but it left me thinking not everyone has the opportunity to have those moments. Not everyone has had the opportunity to have a person significant or otherwise in their lives for that reason. They looked like they pitied her (the 40 plus lady) and she (visibly upset by this) kept joking along.
What is the saying: laugh at my pain???
Anywho, thy were saying about the 115 year old who lived that long she must be sad and alone as maybe all her friends have died out or who can she talk to at 115 with no one to love? I found the conversation really one sided (relationship centered) as if a person (who has made it to 115 - lived, survived) could not be happy because there is none one to love her.
Really?
What about all her accomplishments? All her successes?
Apparently even at 115 they mean nothing if no man is attached to you...
Such is life...
but hey-- I can look forward to ~76 more years here at that rate...

Horoscope: Gemini: March 23rd, 2015

This is a good day one horoscope for the NASPA Conference in New Orleans that I am attending. I feels things are gonna be changing...

Ambitious schemes and the pursuit of success and status take on a high priority now. This brings a focus on the practical, the successful, the pragmatic - whatever it takes to get you ahead in the long run. The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

Pics and stuff soon come...

eye of the beholder...

So  today, I had a day off (yay) but still ended up working (boo) but I mean what else is new? But that is not what I am here to talk about... 

I put up this pic of me and it is interesting some of the comments that I received. 

[Yes, I know by putting myself out there I open myself up to this-- but considering the folks on my list are friends and folks that I have approved to be there it is like ummmm OK- to the point since luckily I have to approve all the things on my timeline, I ended up not approving more than I let show]

Now, let's be clear- I am human. 

It is a leg/ thigh combo 

(like Popeye's without the breaded deep fried-ness and biscuit) 

and I am not ashamed.

But what is ashamed is the words and comments of some who feel that

• I should not expose myself like this
• That this (aka ME) is unattractive 
• I should cover myself up
• I should hit the gym
• Why am I naked?

And a few others that I shall not write because they may or may not read this blog and I am being a bit passive-aggressive at this moment vs being aggressive-aggressive and calling them out.  

[Just for today, tomorrow I may return to my regularly scheduled bitchy program where I fuck the feelings of others and speak my mind because the truth...the truth shall set you free!]  
Now, there were some others that were basically yay & all that (yay love love love ya'll)
but I am not gonna focus on them (cause like I tend to do is focus on the negative--)
Now I was going to answer some of the questions and some of the more asinine comments 

but I am like what gives you the right, the gall and the audacity to...

but then I stop. 

Free Speech. 

And there it is. 

Well. 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion 

and thank you 

for reminding me that your opinion is just that-

yours. 

I choose not to suscribe to it, 

and you know what

 I welcome your opinion because 

I can choose to acknowledge it 

and internalise it 

and have it effect/ affect me 

or 

I can choose

 to let it roll off my back 

(and leg and thigh in this case LMAO)

Hey as one of my friends says:

love me or leave Tasha alone

well all my personalities are in agreeance with this statement

love me (all of me) or leave Tasha alone.

[but could you imagine the scandal if i put that other pic up??]

Sheesh

Good thing I do not plan to run for congress 

(tho I have a much cleaner record than any of them)

but I guess if I plan to get married to my Barack Obama 

I may have to let him know all of my secrets...

Oops...

well beauty is...

Crusin..

I'm in that kind of mood where I want to be 

Crusin with my love, 

carefree and in love, 

just being cool..

enjoying each other

even in the silence...

Baby let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused baby, the way is clear
And if you want it you got it forever
Oh, this is not a one night stand baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must, baby
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
Every little part of each other ooh, baby, baby

Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find, baby

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

Cruise with me baby, baby
Oh baby

Oh baby let's cruise, let's flow
Let's glide, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it you got it forever
I can just stay there inside you and love you, baby

Let the music take your mind
And just release and you will find

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

We're going to fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Music was made for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love you when we're cruisin' together

I hate...poem of the evening

I hate

How I give you pieces of me

And watch you fumble

to hold them all

Unsure of where to put them

Unaware of where I belong 

Because

I am heavy

And

Messy

And

A lot

And

Too much

And

Imperfect

And

Complicated

And

Scared

And so I give you

Pieces of me

And watch you as you

Attempt to

See me

And understand me

And are possibly ashamed

To touch

But you never touch

And feel

And I am left in pieces

Right here

So after I give you pieces of me

And I see you

Struggle

To

Just

Have

A

Piece

Of

Me

I

I want them back

I want me back

I try to take them back

I want me back

I want to

To lessen the burden

Of me 

And I

Hope

Truly hope

you won't fail

Me

And I

hope I don't fall

Cause look at me... 

Trying to put all my pieces

Back into their

convenient hiding places

Because

Exposed

I am vulnerable

Exposed

I am liable

Exposed

I am hurt

Exposed

I am not what you want

Exposed

I am not what you can handle

But a part

In part

I love those pieces of me

Word

Word

I may be invisible but I am invaluable

being honest...

today, i have done nothing remotely productive and it is almost noon.
well...
i did wake up.
i did wash dishes.
i did make an egg white omelette
i did make coffee.
i didn't wash those dishes yet.
but i mean i have been sitting on my couch for the past hour or so thinking about
motherhood.
that (motherhood) is apparently one hood I am not invited to.
oh yeah, i have heard more times than i can remember that i would make a great mother someday and i am a fabulous aunty/ godmother/ motherfigure etc etc but the reality is
it is something that i am actively sad about (really) as i sit here and read these wonderful posts about babys' first steps
being a momma to a little boy
being a momma to a little girl
feeling kicks in the belly for the first time
the joys (and pains) of labor
baby kisses
random songs about sheep
random hugs because you a momma
bedtime prayers with the little one
legacy
love
just stuff...
so as i sit here thinking about all that stuff (and reading about it/ seeing it on my timeline & newsfeed/ getting texts about it from friends & family) i wonder
why not me?
what does God have in store for me?
of course i am not supposed to question Gods will (or can i considering he gave us free will)
but then why give me all these life skills and anatomical 'things' complete with monthly reminders that "you too could be a mother but you have not had sex or gotten pregnant this month therefore we are going to cause you the utmost amount of pain humanly tolerable complete with vomiting, nausea, soreness, dizziness, cramps and moodiness as a reminder of what you are not"
i guess this is what it is supposed to be (for right now)
maybe i have a bigger purpose (maybe..but specifically what?)
maybe...
that's all...

Fwd: Word

I think I can safely say this without
Rhyme or reason
Or any reservations
About who may/ may not read this
Or who may judge me
Or who may laugh at me
Or who may/ may not actually love me
I can safely say this...
 

In thinking about love and choice and choices of love, I think...
I think that love is freeing.
I think that falling in love is a farce.
I think...
I think that freewill is amazing.
I think that people underestimate the power of choice and what it does for us. 
I think that...
I think that people do not know how to receive the love that is given to them.
I think that I think about the possible too much rather than the impossible.
I think that...
I think that what's for me is for me wherever it may be.
I think that my future husband will have to say this to me or show this concept of love to me regularly.
I think I think too much. 

Rainy night thoughts

Is that thunder and lightening again? 

While the overall sounds of the rain generally soothe my soul 

It is the crackling of fhe lightening and the feriousious thunder that scare the crap outta me. 

I have come to a couple of conclusions:

This sleeping alone business (especially nights like these) is something I am not cut out for. 

I wish I could just find 'him' for me already because right about now I know what I want and I know who I am. 

I just...

that's all.