Getting some

Getting some

Thoughts out there in the universe

First of all today is July 13th 2019

Saturday

Not sure that means anything to anybody in this world but that's the current date.

I'm sitting on an airplane headed to Chicago for a quick layover and then flight to Bloomington Indiana. Never been to Chicago or Indiana, so this will get checked off my bucket list for sure.

I am eternally grateful for the flights and the ability to travel for work- headed to a conference on financial wellness. Hopefully I learn new and exciting things that I can implement to my current program. Speaking of the current program

We (NYU Financial Education) are prominently listed at #15 on this list that came out of the top 50 financial literacy programs. Now, #15 may be like eh to some but realistically it is like oh shit for me.

1- I started this program a year ago

2- It is a one woman shop * I do have 2 Graduate interns that are amazing. I had to hire and train them up in financial aid, then get them comfortable with financial literacy terms and processes, and then get them certified as well as train them on how to counsel students, make presentations and put on workshops ALL WHILE MEETING WITH AND COUNSELING STUDENTS MYSELF AND SETTING PILLARS AND PARAMETERS FOR THIS PROGRAM AND CREATING VISION.

3- we serve a vast number of students and alumni and families with excellent service

4- I want to grow this to something even greater

5- I need an assistant

6- I am currently studying for my certification via a nationally recognized organization.

7- partnering with financial aid and other campus partners and growing relationships

So yeah- I am fully embracing this role and making strides. I am feeling damn near fulfilled but also in want of more and it is an interesting place to be. Career wise, I am growing and utilizing my talents.

On the EdD front, I did apply to NYU and was rejected. Definitely an ego blow as I think I am good enough and thought I was doing good enough work to be admitted and make a difference. I have good folks around me telling me and encouraging me to re-apply. To find out specifically why I was not admitted and to not give up. I am thinking on it. Seriously.

On the life, love, living front- relationship is still non existent and it is still something that is utterly frustrating to me. Like WTF man (man being man and also in this case being GOD). Again I ask am I not good enough, not worthy? As the common denominator in this equation it makes me wonder. Like am I truly a zero? Remembering the math skills that I do know, anything multiplied by 0=0. Am I that zero?

Random.

that's all...

Fwd: this pic

This pic is basically 

my work partnership or affiliation 

with my boss

we are working on strategic planning 

and apparently intently thinking about the issue

collaborative working at its best

(I probably was thinking when are they going to open the bar for the open bar) 

but I digress...

 

I thought it would get easier {30 for 30- day 5}

I thought it would get easier
You know 7 years is a long time
But I can truly say
It is never easy
And this is not just another day
Of course the rational me
Rationalizes.
You are in a better place
You are no longer in pain
You are free
You are..
But the irrational me
The one that I am forever keeping in check
Irrationally
Wants more time
Wants a simple conversation
Wants to hold your hand
Wants to not feel hurt
And I know, rationally and irrationality that
It is not possible
That
I have to get over it- this-
I have to let it go
I have to not -
Not think about it
Not think about all of the things that happened
Not think about all the things that didn't happen
Not want what I can never have
And just stop feeling
Because
I thought that with time
My wounds would heal
And it would get easier
But it's not true
Because My wounds
Apparently Left untreated
Refuse to heal
And are
A daily reminder
Of the battle that was loss
Maybe this time
When my pain is palpable
And my heart won't stop hurting



For mom.

Massage Envy..

That's actually the name of the place. It has been a long overdue massage in the making because my body needed to be touched (and not in that way altho I ain't been touched in that way so maybe it needs that too but right now am focusing on the stress/neck/ ect issues I have been having before I digress...)

So I booked 1 &1/2 hour massage with a male friend. Not that type of friend.  Separate rooms. After a quick chat there was a decision to get a facial as well (again...mind ought the gutter people) and signed up for that. I mean considering I got a raise and all why not blow it right out the gate (altho they shorted me exactly $221 for my check this month which is very odd and I have a case out with the ever so helpful linky-syncing system we have to work with (said in my oh so sarcastic voice)

PS- as I am typing this I am drinking wine and relaxing in bed. Took a muscle relaxer cause I need to relax and the neighbors next door are having a heated argument in Spanish. The words I hear [know] are 

punta = cunt/ hoe (such vulgarity)

Mentirosa = liar

Lo siento = I'm sorry

Salir de me casa = get the out my house

Oh my goodness = oh my goodness 

Que no es grave = it's not serious 

Diga me = tell me

Amongst some banging and slamming of things. Funday Sunday night...

Anywho back to yesterday's massage... A leaf massaged me. Not an actual leaf but a dude named Leif. He seemed to be a mixed race dude who was very personable and knowledgeable and had good hands. Not exactly ugly/ not exactly cute/ not my type. (Love good hands- guess that is a prerequisite for a masseuse). We chatted a bit about the problem areas (pinched nerve/ lower back) and he was like strip for me. (Ok wasn't like that but I had 3 minutes to get naked and under a blanket). Cool, good to know I can get naked in a hurry ;) anywho massage starts with me on my stomach. Now let me tell you something... Being flat on my stomach is not entirely comfortable at all as 'the girls' impede any really comfortably. Like I'm a good 6 inches off the table here, thanks. Anyways after some shimmying we work it out and I'm situated (tense) but good. Leif starts his thing, warm hands, and gets to work. (Now it takes me a good 10 minutes to relax cause SOMEONE IS TOUCHING ME but I mean getting mentally prepared for a massage is something I had all week to do, sooo yeah). As dude is working it out something brushes my arm... Something not in the form of a leg or thigh or arm or hand. Something in the form of a penis (well a penis in his pants not all out and about..again it is not that type of party people!) and I am like WTF...uhhhh. Dude was actually aroused. And present. Now, I didn't know weather to be disgusted or flattered cause I mean massage is hard work (no pun intended) and just like dudes can get hard from working out I assume this 'thing' works the same way. Or maybe touching people turns him on? Or me? Anywho... I'm gonna ignore all that and relax. Woo sah... Pressure is good. He is surprised about the tattoos on my back and asked question about their meaning. Okkkkk. Now, as homie is massaging the crap out the knot in my shoulder (oh yes) I am like drifting more into relaxing and my mind is all over the place (not in the oh can't sleep way but the Ohhh this is kinda nice way). He moves down to the glutes and works that out. Thighs (yess) and legs/ feet. As he is massaging the thighs I feel him brush against me accidentally again.

THIS time... More...specifically he was more harder, more there... more like WOAH....
I was like uhhhhh....OK. OK. OK.
Now there is no more concentration going on ova here THIS IS SERIOUS!!!! (Seriously hilarious when you think about it) and now I am trying not to smirk cause I mean who does that and I am trying to be sensitive to his plight - I mean you got to finish the job and got this issue and yeah... But oh well. Suffice it to say my mind alternately went from real relaxation to hmmm other gutter thoughts. Good thing I'm a good girl at all times. 

Anywho once the whole massage was done I felt delicious and I got to chill while I waited for my facial. My dude was getting a facial as well and they only had one lady on staff to do that- so an hour I wait. Now, patience and patiently waiting are not my strong suits but I managed. The esthetician cleansed  the face, checked under some light thing and said I need more water and vitamin c and need to exfoliate more.  All in all not bad. $200+ dollars later... hey I'm worth it, no?

Now my friends' massage experience was not as fulfilling as mine (his lady needed to apply more pressure and he communicated that to her 3 times). And I guess it is a universal involuntary response thing (of the penis) to want to hang out or stand up or something cause he mentioned that there was some 'intentional grounding' thinking going on there. (Talk about control). But I mean he survived having never had a massage before (I mean professional I am sure his ladies touch him) so it was a good day. Topped off with good conversation and a good steak and a great sleep.... Ummm but all I can think about was massage envy... <-- which would make a great poem about touch and deep and breath and massage and hands lingering and muscles relaxing and other tensions coming to the surface... pasue... I may need to get to err.... writing... yeah writing...

Will I go back? I mean I liked the massage (have had better and worse)  so the $70 monthly membership is my dilemma. I mean yeah I can afford it but will I use it? I didn't use to get monthly massages before so who I think I is? Will it help me sleep? Possibly. Will it help me relax? Possibly. Thinking thinking thinking... 

Sent from my iPhone

I am really really quite upset right now

I am really really quite upset right now
I mean there is no other way to put it.
I find out things that
#1 I am supposed to keep secret and
#2 I am supposed to be happy about and
#3 while I can say I am very happy for said people and
#4 I am reassured it is not me by said person but i
#5 Can't help but to think -- is it really me? no, really...
Wow.
I guess that's the best thing for all parties involved?
And why (if youa re a friend/ colleague/ etc) then you feel the need not to tell me considering you say you know without doubt that I have your best interest in mind... guess them the lies you be telling so you can sleep at night.
Welp
good luck.

Sent from my iPhone

Black Heirlooms- short doc

So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.

Working while at work

Working while at work

That is a concept that some folks I work with have not grasped. Or captured. Because it seems during the day, they seem to want to socialize and chat bout many non work things yet because it is our busy time and *surprise* we are busy they are all upset at the notion they should work.
Perish the thought! This paycheck must be earned! Gasp! It's not a gift?? 

Really... No, really...


Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Fall has fallen in to the weather forecast for real today. This would be a perfect day for a hot chocolate and a croissant and some tall boots and a scarf around your neck.
I have the scarf.
The rest of that stuff will have to come to fruition when I have my next paycheck ;)
But a good sweater and a cool jacket and a cup of java will get you in the mood. Have a glorious day!
that's all...

Coffee thought...

8/7 8:35pm

I saw a post today that someone said you hate on success like we don't have the same 24 hours.
It was from a celebrity.
I found this saying/ posting really hilarious because while yes, there are 24 hours in a day the responsibilities you have versus the responsibilities I have totally differ and this shapes the way we each get to use these same 24 hours. That is like telling someone who has never walked but has 2 legs to get up and run a marathon because we all have the same 2 legs. Or to have me break out into an operatic sonatina because we all have the same voice- really?? Because I have been to karaoke and we do not all have the same voice. I understand the sentiment of hey- use your day wisely to achieve you dreams and goals and success for you (whatever that may be) but for you (celebrity) to say 'you hate on success like we don't have the same 24 hours' is a slap in the face for those who do not have the luxury of chefs, personal assistants, drivers, and paid time to lay by a pool.
No judgment tho- cause choice is key in ones decision-making skills and me choosing not to support those wonderful endeavors of yours is just me choosing a better use of my 24 hour day.
Peace.

coffee thought...

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
'Cause that's my fun day
My I don't have to run day
It's just another manic Monday

Have to catch an early train
Got to be to work by nine
And if I had an aeroplane
I still couldn't make it on time
'Cause it takes me so long just to figure out what I'm gonna wear
Blame it on the train
But the boss is already there- Bengals song sometime in the 80's

Sounds like my typical thoughts on a Monday morning except I do NOT wish it were a Sunday because on Sunday I have a case of the 'oh-gosh-it-is-almost-Monday' blues.
Oh, and since  I was ever so budgety, I have my French vanilla creamer in the fridge therefore I have my coffee in the house! all on the cheap (for now).

and another thought on this Monday, is the impending birth of the future Monarch of the UK. Considering Bermuda is still firmly in their grasp this birth will have some impact on their future rulings... all in all babies are cool.

that's all...

coffee thought...horoscope for 7/11/2013

Gemini Horoscope-- July 11, 2013

 

You often like gathering lots of information

even when it isn't helpful to your cause.

However, today's sensible Virgo Moon gives you the analytical tools you need

 to sort through all the data and keep only what you can use.

Although it's easy to forget what you're doing now

and get distracted by all the untried possibilities,

balancing your unquenchable curiosity

with your current penchant for practicality

combines the best of both worlds.

 

OMG this is sooo true for today

(considering it is now 5:43 pm and I am just getting to my coffee thought and horoscope)

...and I have been here gathering evidence at work for

projects

presentations

promotions

pause

evaluations

and I need to get home to move my car.

that's all...

coffee thought... Genini horoscope 6/21/13

I have two for today (being the twins and all)...

You have got to let go of at least one major idea today — just because it’s worked for you for a long time doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. Shake things up and you will start to really shine!

AND

 

You’re hired! With the sun moving into Cancer and your second house of income, you could hear those very words between now and July 22. After a month of birthday revelry, you’re ready to settle down and start making bank. Circulate your resume; ping your prestigious contacts or ask for referrals. Even the gainfully employed Gemini could afford to mix things up. Rediscover your passion for your work by taking on a challenging assignment in the month ahead. You may have to tighten your belt a bit on the personal financial front too. Rein in impulse spending and save up for a luxe purchase. On Saturday, cooperating won’t come easily but it’s essential to keeping the peace in an important relationship. Don’t be so hardcore about your personal agenda or so strict about your “me time.” A loved one who’s been there for you on countless occasions needs the favor returned. Don’t miss the chance to pay him back in kind. Sunday’s full moon in Capricorn brings more “seal the deal” energy to your weekend. A partnership that’s been percolating for the past six months could become official before the weekend is through. If your mojo has been on hiatus, expect to feel its blazing hot return. You’ll be quite the magnetic one for the coming two weeks, so hold out for someone who truly lights your fire.

Hmmm....
that's all...

coffee thought...

Nearing the end of the month and that means we have to reconcile the budget to the fact that there is always more month at the end of the money. Shame. Well this month... I am in a GOOD place. I have $20 to my name to last me basically 3 days (which is tantamount to BALLIN) cause I can afford lunch 3 days and have cooked food at home for dinner which means... all is good in the world {well the world of my current fiances-- my love world, family world and work world are a polluted and frankly almost at a point where it is bad for my health but I digress.}
Oh, I am on coffee # 1 and it is a BIG cup.
It just keeps getting better.

that's all...

Shoes...yay

I found the ever elusive shoes! Whoo hoo-- these are going to the wedding in St. Thomas with me...
It saves me from purchasing these...

 

and the thriftyness continues...

$12.00 shoe

Cute find for the summer commute.
$12.00 and comfortable.
Love a bargain ;)

that's all...

Coffee thought

coffee thought...

Thinking about coffee is making me semi upset. Another coffee maker has gone to the big coffee maker in the sky and completely pissed me off. Sigh, I guess I have to buy some coffee on the way into work thus making my thriftiness nonexistent.
Such is life.
Thoughts... What makes this the life you were supposed to live? Is it the culmination of all the choices you made? Are there a set of circumstances that appeared that lead you on this path? Is this what you were destined to do?
Just thoughts....
that's all...

coffee thought...

Things happen when they are supposed to happen. There is no pushing or prodding that you need to do. All you must do is be prepared. That is the current analogy of my life- things happen when they are gonna.


Why so philosophical in the am? Well a few reasons- 1) I am up. I put my car on the wrong side of the road- the side where I got to wake up at 7 am to move the car. It forced me to shorten my sleep and get up and go. Now while I was gonna drive all the way to work and just pay for parking and suck I up cause I am blessed to be able to do that if need be- a parking space opened up for me. Yes. That works. So now I was in place for Thursday and can get into work early. 2) I waked to the bus and met bro #2 there and we took the bus together. He is one funny dude pre coffee- laughing at this kid who momma just gave home some act right on public transportation. I would say I miss those days, but that is one thing I DO NOT miss from my childhood. 3) do you recall that last year...oh about March 2011 I sent a package to my cuzzo in Bermuda? Well  apparently between US customs and BDA customs and the Bermuda Triangle, it was never delivered. I filed a complaint, called US and BDA customs, and was generally irate about the whole situation. I spent $30 on the darn shipping + $$ on the items inside + handmade my Aunt a card to lift her spirits as she is/was in cancer treatments and wanted to send a lil note. Darn thing was never delivered and I truly felt bad and ashamed cause I kept promising my cuzzo that I would re-purchase the items and send to her and she was like she will send me more $$ and I was like no, she never got the items in the first place so why make her pay again. Truthfully, I was also ashamed and didn't go to BDA last year as I felt with this box not being delivered my integrity/ honesty was in question and my ability to mail a box was questioned. [I know...I know...]
Fast forward 14 months....

colorful arse box...probably what triggered the 14 month inspection...

The box "arrives" in Bermuda, and my cuz receives a "come pick up your package" slip.
REALLY?
She busted out laughing at this. The post office lady in BDA said, hmmm from March, this usually don't take this long to get here... She told her to check the dates on the stamps and slip and when she saw it was over a year ago, she was flabbergasted! She could not verify how long it was in BDA customs or if it was truly just received.
REALLY?
Well, I am glad she received the items as I really wanted her to receive the things I sent (of course) and I really wanted my Aunt to get her card. My Aunt called me yesterday to thank me for the card, as she was having a rough day yesterday and this lifted her spirits.
This box arrived right when it was supposed to.
God works in mysterious ways.
I guess good thing nothing was time sensitive in there... (or worse).

Oh, let's check my horoscope:

Gemini Horoscope for May 30, 2012

Instead of trying to schedule every minute of your busy day, let things unfold naturally. Calendars and alarm clocks are useful, but they can inhibit your creativity and interfere with a day's natural rhythm. Take off your watch, and mark time by the quality of the light outside your window. Think of your daily tasks in a looser, more relaxed way -- don't worry about sticking to a plan. This will free up your energy and keep ideas flowing all day long.

sounds like a plan. I love it when i am in tune with the world...makes me feel more connected, more sane, more. 
that's all...

coffee thought...

Well well...
Today is march 2 2012. Pay day Whoo hooo. Loverly... I can go about paying bills and being a step closer to financial responsibility. Also on the agenda is filing some taxes for the brother and god son and hopefully that responsibility will be off my shoulders. Have a great day
that's all...

Jokes

Should I be offended that the homeless man is now racial profiling. And by homeless man I do mean this man sitting on the bare concrete ground (I assume) because there is no home to go to. Anywho, As I am leaving work with my Caucasian friend he is like "my dude, you my lawyer, right? hook me up with some funds bro." Caucasian dude is like why ask me for money? He replies "cause It's obvious she is dating you for you ends not your looks!" hahahahahah
That made my night.

Train Stories

What is very interesting/ listening to the conversation of these folks in the commute this late evening home I am basically listening to them talk about counting cards in Vegas (she didn't know she was counting them even though she was counting them) and doing a ponzi scheme bad bad and doing some tricks making bankers give you back more change than the correct amount of change for a $20 bill. All of this petty crime stuff for two Asians. Weird. Is this what the economy has come to?