Today

Today
I was getting frustrated about things I kept speaking on and seeking to change and it turns out I have no control over certain parts so I just had to stop giving that narrative power and speak on the other parts of life that bring me joy.
This coupling business is not in my lexicon and acceptance of what it is is becoming key to sanity.
I have been consumed for the better part of 30 years trying to be good enough for someone to love me in the relationship way. It has not happened. It is something that - because of my non couples status - has trivialized any of my other accomplishments and successes.
Thoughts like "if only I had a man to celebrate me getting my masters with'
Or if only I had a man we could vacation in Paris and kiss someone on the pink sand beaches of Bermuda
Or if only I had a man to help me carry these groceries, help me flip this mattress or comfort me in this moment.
There is also the "damn this cookery that I did is banging -if only I had a man/ partner to share this with' and YO walking this street is a bit precarious if only I could call my dude and he can meet me or just be on the phone as I navigate this world"
I pictured me sharing my life and love and trials and triumphs with a handsome loving dude and him sharing his world and all that with me too.
Life and more specifically GOD has other plans.
I know my life ain't over
But again certain things I wanted and thought I would have are out of the picture seriously.
This is a depressing thought.
Things like what?
I'm 43- not had any children. Not have had any acts that would lead to children but that's another conversation
All my peoples around me that are wanting kids have had 1,2,3 of them. I will not get to parent one.
Folks have continued to ask me why don't I adopt or do invitro fertilization and my answer is steady- I have no support to raise a child alone. It does take a village and mine is woefully lacking. It is no shade or disrespect on the people I choose to be in my life- but I can list the parents and the supports they have starting with and including their parents that are still alive.
Again- not my situation.
Just not my life...

Sent from my iPhone

Horoscope: Gemini: July 3rd, 2019

You've got extra support if you look for it. 

It's a good time to crank up your creativity 

and give birth to something new and exciting. 

You can do it by yourself, 

but you might find you get further

 if you draw other people into your plans

 and use their willing help

 to propel your propositions forward.

here is to hoping this Mercury in retrograde don't fuck up my shit. 

that's all...

Conversations... on Men aint shit

Back story:

Reading a q & A from an author we both follow and admire. 
Basically a woman writes in saying she is a fiance of a 7 yr relationship + is currently pregnant and taking care of him as he has cancer. Finds out he has a million dollar insurance policy and she is not listed (as they are not married- his mom and brother are). Add to this he is living in her place and she is stressed financially, emotionally and physically and he asked and she listed him on her insurance policy as she wanted the best for him. She is UPSET and wondering if she has the right (i mean she is baby momma + fiance and he is not looking out for spawns future and because she does not have the title of wife tho is doing wifey things he feels justified and she thinks he should be a decent human being considering she thought they were building a future together.)
SO me & my girls convo is OFF THE CHAIN cause as Aretha says (R.I.P.) Ain't no way...
I mean what say you?

coffee thought...

hmmm

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown - Sally's Rant (YOU BLOCKHEAD!)

I have got to say as I sit here and watch the annual viewing of 

The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... 

it dawns on me about all the wonderful gems in it. 

it is lifes' true lesson!!!

check it- Sally here is infatuated with Linus- a co-dependent blanket loving boy. 

He has a great heart, and is waiting in the 'most sincere' pumpkin patch. 

Now- where this notion of the Great Pumpkin came from- dunno, but he believes this pumpkin dude is supposed to bring toys and whatnot to the children's. 

Anywho, his sis Lucy thinks he is crazy- 

for sticking to his beliefs of this pumpkin patch...

and she tells him in a sisterly way. 

Charlie Brown, 

as good as a friend would do, 

tells him too, but lets him go about his business- cause men. 

SO basically it is Sally- 

the love-struck lil sister of Charlie Brown 

who volunteers to forgo trick-or-treating 

[henceforth acquiring her own sweets & treats] 

to 'stand by and support her man' in his dream. 

Suffice it to say, when no great pumpkin shows up- 

she is highly upset, and unleashes a rant on him 

which includes a demand for reparations

I HOLLERED!

why, at this age is this such a true life/love/relationship advice?

well a few things

1- there was no proof of the pumpkin- only his belief & his words. Now, facts have proven that for several years there is no pumpkin- but she foolishly believes him.

2- baby girl while she wanted to be there with the dude, but she also wanted her own. So she forgoes her needs and sacrifices for him. 

3- when it turns out that ain't nothing happen- as in there is no great pumpkin, she wasted her time, she could have been enjoying herself with what she wanted to do

Life lesson- don't follow a man for your happiness- you have to get that yourself. 

Let's not even go about the life lesson Lucy taught Charlie Brown about contracts and notaries! 

Again, I hollered!

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

Horoscope: Gemini: January 22nd, 2017

It's a great day to enjoy the quiet comforts of home and family in a preferably soft and harmonious setting. It's a great time to reflect over the achievements and challenges you've recently faced and strongly focus on how you'll make further advances in the future.

Hmmm somethings to think about...

Gemini horoscope for Jan 16 2017 (coffee thought...)

coffee thought...

Sometimes when you look really hard for something, you don't find it even if it's in plain sight. That's because - at that moment when we're in a panicked search - that thing we're searching for seems so elusive and so important that we think it will be impossible to find, or it will be in some unreachable place. You are looking for something now, Gemini. You are looking hard. Perhaps you've been looking for quite some time. But it is out there. You just need to relax - and instead of searching - beckon it to come to you.

look

just relax

look

just breathe

look

just be

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: September 13th, 2016

You may be wearing your heart on your sleeve and everyone is out to abuse your resources-both mental and material. Don't be an easy target today when friends attempt take advantage of your good nature and push it beyond what can reasonably be expected of you. Sometimes you simply have to say no.

Remember, No is a complete sentence- Anon

How I spent my summer (the short version)

This summer was filled with many things I did. I went to Bear Mountain a few times with the fam and thoroughly enjoyed the craziness. I had a few good nights out with some co-workers and some friends. Love the NYC nightlife ya know!!! AndI had the opportunity it's to reflect of the many blessings that are in and around the city of NY.
Was able to see Mozart at Lincoln center

listening to the orchestra

although it was a tragic occasion I ended up having to go to Bermuda to handle some family business and I did get to go to the beach. I definitely shed some tears there because of all the lives lost and the mortality of....us all. I didn't get lost in the triangle...although sometimes my mind...

Also, got a little creative with myself with some painting and re-decorating my home (home pics not avail but here is the start of a structured project. I promise it is a masterpiece.)

And finally had some time to work on some writing! Now, the subject matter is jarring but what about life is not? I mean there is more, more, more-- but i understand in time all things will come... and with that, we are about to fall into fall literally!

Something happened...

That fateful day 15 years ago
something utterly tragic
happened.
And we were witness.
Everyone has a story.
Never forget- they say...
No one can forget.
But throughout the days that followed
the images that permanently scar our memory
And the terror that is ever present
We have to acknowledge
the way the world changed.
We changed
Every single one of us
For generations to come
Has been changed by this day
Forever in our hearts
Our minds
Our words
And CG was born
To my family
My fellow wordsmiths
keep using your voice
Keep Tasting the ketchup
And Spitting venom
While Lost in Mental Fornication
Just keep being...
CG..

random words of yesternight and scrutiny

Yesternight

Soul searching seemed to stop me dead still.
I know what I want to do
 (you)
You know where you ought to be 
(here)
So if I try to ignore the deeds done in the dark
Of yesternights of long ago
Will you appear?
I wonder...
Where does that leave us?
What do we have?
It seems all we have is memories
Moments mired in misery and regret...
and yet
These fond memories
The carnal pleasures past
Left my soul in shambles
And my body longing for
So subtly
I say
I know what I want to do you know where you ought to be here?

Scrutiny/ scrutinitious

8:52

Somehow someway

'Just the way you look tonight'

Is off

It is 98.4 degrees in here 

and you have on a long sleeve turtleneck 

down to your knees. 

Now,

Not meaning to look at you scrutinitiously

But

There is something 'off' 

about wearing your 

Dior glasses in the dead of night.

So tell me something good

"Do you believe in the power of love"

black women

It is our burden and our responsibility

Coffee thought...bears

Coffee thought...

I have not been writing lately.. Squat been trying to make it day by day. I have been on a few trips and gotten some sun and fun and rest and relaxation. Which is very good for my body and soul. I went to the beach in Sandy Hook and that was such a lovely day. I also went to the water win TD and peanut. They are fun.
This past weekend hung out with the family at bear mountain and we bbq'd abs drank. And laughed a lot at the craziness of everything. It was a great day. Got in the pool there and I was like oh wow haven't been here since I was a little person (still have memories in the back of my mind of being there at the pool). I was happy the brothers could make it (yes I drove them) but it still was cool. Also happy that the former intern/ AD could come out and relax a bit cause this dude does not know work life balance. At all. Eh.



Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

I need new undies.

Yes, drawers.

Like new.

Cause I mean I have a fair number of pantaloons but:

Some are wild and wacky colors that aren't suitable under work clothes

Some are granny panties (hey don't judge them things are comfortable)

Some are ultra sexy and while tres cute are so not functional

Some are specific to sets that I have in case I need to show it off

(hey. girls gotta dream, no?)

But all this to say that a good, flattering (if that is possible)

decent pair of undies is severely lacking in my underwear life.

Sigh.

This is what is on my mind pre-coffee

I can only imaging what will happen post coffee

Anywho,

that's all...

I guess

I guess
You'll never know
How much this hurts me
But
This isn't about me
It's
You
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
...
But I guess
It doesn't matter
It isn't important
It is just
What it isn't
And
I guess
You'll never know
How much I
Wanted to tell you
Wanted to
You
...
But
Like I mentioned
It isn't about me
It's
You
And I guess...

I would be

I would be

Remiss if I didn't mention

The things that have happened this January

Lost keys in elevator shaft that ultimately tested my patience and strength. It also forced me to focus on my vision board and make that a reality.

The following week lost my parking cars and had to get a new one wit borrowed money from bro #3 as that was a severely unexpected expense. Did end up going to the gym.

Ended up in jury duty and then end the emergency room with horrific muscle spasms. 

Incredible. Bad. Pain killers needed.

Working thru some things that make me challenged. 

And then ... 

Challenges that make me me.

Such was January.

Family business

February albeit a short month consists of a lot of things happening. First off, grandma turned 90, and is as crazy as ever. As per usual I called and sang to her cause I mean she calls me and sings every year and why not return the favor. (And who doesn't love my singing?) anywho, the "family" took her out for a "family" dinner minus a particular section of "family"- basically no invite to the party. Now, am I hurt- yes. Will I get over it? As per usual, yes- cause see this just solidifies who & what "family" is and means to some people. [Of course they wanna be "family" when they want $$ from me or when I was taking care of their responsibilities as they were creating their own "families"]. Now, I know bro #2 is who he is and that truly he rubbed everyone the wrong way with the way he left the apartment and was (and still is) putting his life on FB.. But what the hell I did?
After some thought, I can only come to the conclusion- hey it wasn't me and leave it at that- does that stop me from showing up (to Grandmas & getting my hugs? Absolutely not, cause I need a hug every now and again) but my interactions with the other "family" members will be in direct reaction to their actions.
that's all...

to the man that hit my car

I do not know what made you do it,
I do not know why you decided to come off the highway and stop irrationally close to my car.
And as I notice you in my rear view mirror, you then proceed to hit my car.
And as I get out the car I can see the choice you have, which is to swing your car around mine and attempt to get away
or sit there as me, a black female approaches you, a white male in the car.
And you have a firefighter plaquard in the window.,
And you put the phone down as I approach.
And your eyes are glazed over from what seems to be a night of inebriation
And you look at me as if I am the crazy irrational black woman who walks up to you and says
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck did you hit my car?
And as you hold your hand up as if I am going to do something I realize that
you have no clue
you don't know what you just did
and
I ask you if you are alright
and luckily you had on your seat belt
and I say you know drinking and driving kills
as well as you should fucking know better
and I have a cousin who is a firefighter and how dare you
and take your ass home before this gets ugly
and drive your car in front of me so that I don't get hit again.

My cousins are alight. I am alright.
But I am not OK