Quarantine Day #78 [COVID_19]

In case you were wondering what is happening in the world... we are still under quarantine especially in NYC where we are hard hit with this virus. Today, the US death toll due to the virus has topped 100,000 - which is a very tragic milestone. It has been 2 months and 17 days of indoors total for me. Not that I haven't been outside at all... but listen...I have been diligently #socialdistancing or #physicaldistancing for the most part. Been working from home every damn day and it is harder than it actually looks. Things that I have found out about myself while home:

• I have not bought another office chair, therefore my ass still hurts in this small assed one (pun intended). 
• I did purchase a new desk and played Bean the builder putting it together over 2 days and many curse words later. I mean the shit is snazzy now, but them 2 days of construction were about to be the downfall of me. Mama I made it! But dammit. 
  
• Because I got a bigger desk, I had to relocate my crafts. Moved everything over to the closet area.

• And because I am a glutton for punishment I then decided to purchase and put together a corner bookshelf. Yeah, I did that to myself, however that was a quick and easy job.

• One would think that without all the outsideness that I would be saving a shit-ton of money. LIES! Apparently, I have a new fascination with Amazon and eveything else that will deliver to my house. Go figure! #1 on my list is jewelry and I have been buying mad bracelets and necklaces in hopes I can be adorned when outside opens up again. 
• Speaking of outside not opening up, my trips this year are all cancelled. Meaning no Bermuda, no Nebraska (conference), no Florida to visit my good sis Sparkles & no Vegas! UGH do you know what a no blue water summer will do to me? I am not interested in finding out. 

I am trying to keep this part of my life together along with all the other things. 

Just keep a sis in your prayers and the world at large. 

that's all...

Quarantine Day #8- COVID_19

March 23rd, 2020
Monday

Major updates:  This world is under the massive throes of COVID_19 which is: 

COVID-19, 'CO' stands for 'corona,' 'VI' for 'virus,' and 'D' for disease. Formerly, this disease was referred to as “2019 novel coronavirus” or “2019-nCoV”. There are many types of human coronaviruses including some that commonly cause mild upper-respiratory tract illnesses. The most common symptoms are fever, cough, shortness of breath, and breathing difficulties. In more severe cases infection can cause pneumonia, severe acute respiratory syndrome, and even death. The period within which the symptoms would appear is 2-14 days.

So basically this has been wrecking havoc on the work from ~December 2019 first recognized in China and fastly infected the world. The US has been taking some precautions all over from grounding flights, mandatory testing of some groups, and closing off borders.

Basically my institution had to react fast from December when we had to move students from our various study away sights to safer locations, but as they moved so did the virus to Italy, Florence, and then came to the mainland US. First known case was Westchester in the Jewish Community on the east coast (it came to Washington State in a Senior home and took a lot of vulnerable folks out). Anywho, when things were looking like there was mandatory social distancing / about to be a quarantine in place and massive disruptions to regular life as one knows it shit started getting real. Like in the really everyone was panic buying toilet paper (like really toilet paper-- one of the symptoms is not excessive shitting but oh well) and then runs on food and all cleaning supplies and purell is hot on the black market.
So being the person I am, considering I get paid monthly, I tend to buy in bulk as needed cause that is how my paycheck allows. So I am swayZ on Toilet Paper!!! Come holla at your girl!
No, in all seriousness, I did have to check the bro as he prepared with 2 hero sandwiches and a soda (like this was some Weekend at Bernies or something!)

ANYWHO, my job allowed us to work from home starting  March 10 I was going in intermittently (as I am not a regular fan of Friday work OR MTA travel). The proverbial shit hit the fan on 3/11 and shut services down including my Game of Life...after NYU edition that I worked so hard on. Like prepared and was going to be a flagship event at my institution.
Like had 150 registered students.
Had a new way of providing information and great prizes.  Had food ordered.
Had 40+ volunteers.
Had good snacks!
Had laminated some posters! Like used a lamination machine and everything.
Eh, I guess will be prepared for next year.
But yeah, as of that 3/11 date, have not been allowed back in the offices. Luckily, I have a work computer that I can remote in from home and our IT people are excellent. So this is the dream, right?

Working from home is my ultimate dream (so to speak). In the sense of being of great use and functional and efficient without getting on the MTA and the NYC elements is #winning.
Yes, there are certain aspects of my day-to-day when educating folkx needs some face-to-face time however, keeping up with the times allowed me to already have video coaching and phone coaching available (again #winning). ALL THIS AND NO BRA= JACKPOT!!!
I mean, that all sounds good, but I do like a structure now and again, I do like some parts of the outside world,  and my bras are cute so I like to wear them too. Working from home is definitely something I can rock with, but there are a few things I have learned about myself:

1. I need a new office chair as the cushion on my ass + the cushion on the seat are in constant battle and my flat ass ain't winning. Plus this office chair is 18 years old and for someone who was not this current wright. 
2. Speaking of weight, I am NOT trying to come out of this quarantine situation ANY pounds heavier (they closed the gyms) so I need to social distance from the fridge and every other quarantine snack that I bought. 
3. My office space (desk) is not as functional as I would like- and truthfully this is why I need a dedicated office to begin with. 
4. The real problems this is showing me is the inequalities of the world are exacerbated with the haves and the have nots and the essential workers (nurses, doctors, cashiers and some folks that don;t even get minimum wage). 
5. The way higher education + lower education is treating teachers and moving to virtual learning/ online learning shows who has viable access to internet, computers, and are competent with this learning style. Never mind the food insecurities and housing securities that are heightened this time.
6. Thinking about the abusers who have more access to their victims as folks are told to shelter in place. 

All of this is a lot. 

And my anxiety is acting up

And my asthma and Allergies (all A things) are making me think "OH God, is this The Rona???" every time I sneeze.

Just a lil update on life over here in the big city.

that's all...

Friday Feelings

🤖

Friday tends to get a better rap than it deserves.
I mean just because it is at the end of the work week and generally has 2 days of either rest and relaxation or debauchery following (depending on your mood) is probably why.
Truthfully one of them days should be dedicated to the LORD but hey, he knows your heart, no?
Anywho- I enjoy each day individually and as a collective particularly when surrounded by vacation and blue water.
I enjoy any day above ground so there's that.
But today, spoke to brother 1 and he is depressed.
Life is definitely trying him.
I mean life is trying us all- but when mental illness is mixed into the realities of life it is something that can be trying moreso than for regular folks.
He is about to move to a closer place (shelter/ rooming housing assignment) in the Bronx rather than at the bottom of the Jackie Robinson in Brooklyn.
I'm pleased as this will mean he is a bit closer than the long travel and potentially we can visit more.
I don't know what this will do to his stability struggle but there is that.
Small steps towards good news is a thing. So I'm pleased.
He on the other hand is meh.
I mean looking at it from his perspective I am not sure what he is actually looking for but yeah he is not all together excited but not upset.
A muted happiness? That could be a good book title
Anywho
Life is just going along doing its thing.
I'm trying to do my part in the participatory parts of it
We shall see how they all collide.
To be continued...

that's all...

Picking up the pieces

Today is June 20, 2018. 

A full 7 months later I am returning to writing.

 I stopped. 

Everything Stopped. 

My life as I knew it just stopped.

I guess I should explain...

A lot has happened. 

The day after I wrote that last blog (11/07/17) my younger brother died.

Michael S. Bean
July 26, 1977- November 8, 2017

Mike was in the hospital from June 30 from a having a stroke. The hospital took a few days in determining treatment and he had another massive stroke that took out his left side of his body and communication skills. He continued to fight and try to breathe and learn to communicate again and simple things like learning how to swallow again. His spouse was absolute trash and while I have sympathy and possibly empathy for loosing a spouse, there are some rather fucked up things she said and did thruout the whole damn process. I have text messages from him saying that she is trying to starve him and does not care about him and just things that contributed to this. Note: I cannot blame anyone for anything- his life choices (i.e spouse choices and health choices and etc) are/ were his and I own that. I had a different perception of what a loving partner brings to the table (inclusive of health insurance and common sense and food in the house or general partnership and caring for each other - maybe I'm way off which is why...) so with that being said in the hospital they amputated his left leg and he never recovered from alot of things (falling out the bed- some terrible health care and decision making- altho there were some angels in there and for that I am grateful.)

The call came at 5 am on that Wednesday morning and immediately I went into fixing it mode. What did I have to do to lay my brother to rest, to make sure his legacy and memory is honored and to just let him be at peace. This is the prayer and guiding principles to the actions I take- let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.. song from church. My friends/ family (TD, Sparkles, Sunshine, other brothers, Bermuda family) were phenomenal. I can't begin to say all the ways they supported Bro #1 & I but they did. We had a service for him the following week. His co-workers showed up for him- he touched so many people in life it is astonishing. I hope he knew how much he was loved. I wish he knew how much he is missed and how much of an impact he had and has on people. I still tear up thinking about my little brother (case in point as I type this) but I hope he know just how much he meant to me. He is brilliant. I read the eulogy. I made it thru without tears. And then, we pick up the pieces. 

We cleared his stuff out her apartment per her request in December and from that point on I have had 2 text messages from her. No, she is not getting his ashes- that is a blog for another day--- but all this was stressing and highly debilitating to me- a person who is functioning barely at a productive level. 

And this is topping off the passing of two of the matriarchs of my family:

Marie E. Tuzo Bean Lodge
June 2016

'Granny' as she was know to me all my damn life passed June 2016. She was in the hospital for what seemed like a chest cold, pneumonia or what turned out to be potentially lung cancer. She was vibrant and 'rude' until the end. I flew to Bermuda to see her off which was traumatic as I am in the country of my father's birth representing this extension of the family- alone- but surrounded by so much family. This woman was heroic and iconic in more ways than can be listed and I felt this was my connection to my Dad. The last. Luckily I have amazing cousins and 2 Aunties and an Uncle left (out of 10 children) that keep me in the loop. Her passing was really hard on me and just coping and living without her Bermudian accent and wise words that were imparted randomly truly affected me. Sorely missed always in my heart. 

Eleanor M. Anderson
May, 2017

Grandma Anderson passed May, 2017. Devastating. She fought a long battle with cancer and was not herself towards the end. She was having seizures and while her mind was amazingly sharper than anyone I know, her body just couldn't hold on any more. What gets me is that of course she planned her own funeral (years ago she was telling Eileen & I where important papers were and where things were and wrote her eulogy. Always prepared- I don't know if she was a girl scout). Her passing was disastrous in just so many ways. Yes as with everyone I am thankful she was not suffering but I know we (as in all of the people she touched) were not ready to let go. 

With all this, dealing with Bro#1 and his living situation and how this loss of his brother would affect his overall well being- I felt as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is currently in a shelter and this is in and of itself heartbreaking and what am I supposed to do? 

the last pic of the three

How can I just... I just don't know. We were 3. ALWAYS.  We legit balanced each other out with just the right amount of ratchet and educatedness. My two bothers literally are the angel/ devil of consciousness that guide me at times. How can a person just let that go? It is more than a loss... it is shattering to the soul. Something that I know is not repaired yet. 

Thru all this, I was navigating how to translate my work with Financial Education into something that was more fulfilling and an actual position and how I can solidify my next career moves. I presented at my jobs student affairs conference in February and then presented on Financial Education in June with my boss. That was something that was eye opening for me in the realm of possibilities for advancement and overall worth. 

So with all the things that happened to me (around me/ with me/ about me/ outside of me) the last 2 years, I feel that after a while I became numb to everything. Going thru the motions and just surviving. Not living altho I gave a great perception of 'living my best life' while trying to 'live my life like its golden' I was just there. 

Here. 

Not feeling anything but sadness. 

I could not write tho I had so many things to say. 

I could not believe because what is there to believe in - how and who do I ask this to?

Can I say Prayer helps. 

Breathing helps. 

And as of now, I am just finding my strength to be 

alive

again

picking up all the pieces 

and painstakingly putting them back into place. 

never to be the same again 

but tying to be beautiful

and whole

again. 

Step one:

GOD.

that's all

Some days

Some days

It is harder than others

to accept the reality

that

This is actually happening.

This is actually real.

And as heartbreaking this is-

the amount of faith I have in your journey you have no idea.

I pray daily and nightly for your recovery.

I pray for the other brothers safety and peace of mind.

I pray for the children in the world and the state of the world.

And I pray for me-

for my sanity.

For a piece of peace.

For comfort.

For reasons why

For the way

I just continue to pray

And believe there is a reason for this.

This trial

This struggle

This outcome

What is the reason- why is this happening ? What more can I do?

Just why

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

All I can say is:

If this is a test

I am woeful

 unprepared

And

In danger of

Failing out

 for the whole

Semester

that's all

Becoming

small miracles...

Tiny miracles are great- don't get me wrong- I mean a miracle is a miracle... it just may not be enough to save us

- grey's anatomy 

Today is a day I feel that this is more true than not. I am looking for a miracle <tries not to break out into song ala SASA days> and so far I can't see one happening. I am sure opening my eyes, taking a breath, getting up out of bed all counts and I should be more than thankful I can even accomplish those traits on a daily basis. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am... also very aware that sometimes it is a miracle I am here- still. And not the alternate in the depth of darkness that I feel on days. 

So

I appreciate the miracles all around me- I thank GOD daily for the colors of the trees and the presence of my mind and I thank GOD for just being random some days. 

So I appreciate the miracles- small that I am. 

But, as that saying goes

It may not be enough

that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: March 21st, 2017

There is optimism, there is faith, and there is a tendency to take chances at the deepest emotional levels. This is a time of exploring your feelings, a kind of restlessness for new emotional experience.A feeling that anything is possible if you set your sights high enough characterizes mood today.

There is so much to be said about this statement of truths here.

I am feeling that everything and anything inclusive of nothing is possible today.

And I have been trying to make this happen longer than not.

I am feeling beyond restless- because I rest less than normal

and I am trying not to take a crazy chance based on fear

or jump out of the fire and into the depths of hell.

Sigh

that's all..

coffee thought ...

coffee thought ...

☕️

Today is the day. Pretty much I have an appointment at 11:30 to figure out some things about 'the girls' and while I am trying to be brave I am also a bit scared. It is something to get to this point in life and then to have this scare. Which is what it is a scare. I am not claiming I have anything just scared of something.

that's all..

because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

Random...

Fall back..literally.....

Grace:  Ma'am

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Good day

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 me:  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 Grace:  lol

 me:  how you doing?

 Grace:  how are you?

Im here.

In these streets

 me:  i was just reading your status' (plural)

dying at my desk

 Grace:  LOL

LMAO

 me:  trying not to get fired

 Grace:  which one?

 me:  the one w the tiddies

smh smh smh sm h

 Grace:  LMAOOO

because

I was like. we're soft as WHAT now?

 me:  i could onky imagine your face

hahahaha

welp

this dude this weekend

smh

he outted himself

 Grace:  who?

 me:  talking about he like men to give him a BJ

 Grace:  wait

 me:  this dude i was talking to

 Grace:  whhhoooooooooo

nooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooo

 me:  YESSSSSSSSSS

 Grace:  where did you FIND him>>>

????

 me:  i damn near CUT

him

 Grace:  Lorddddd.noooo cries in downlow teas

tears*

 me:  SERIOUSKY

 Grace:  Did he not think that was a problem??

 me:  HE SAID WHATS THE BIG DEAL

i was like

SIR/ MA'AM

i specifically asked you if you liked peen

or anything like that

 Grace:  Sir/ma'am... LMAOOO

i

died

 me:  i almost cut him

and politely left the dinner

 Grace:  Why did you ask him that?

Did you have an idea?

 me:  legit-- nope

 Grace:  hhhmmm

 me:  and i have a good gaydar

 Grace:  wow

 me:  basically a gay couple came in

obviously gay

and he was like eww ill omh

i was like whats the deal i mean to each his own

he was like it should be kept inside

tho they suck a great dick

i was like oh...oh.... oh you know from experience? i was joking...

he was like yeah (*NOT JOKING)

i felt myself blink MAD SLOW like for reals?

been talking to him for 3 months

smh smh

 Sent at 4:22 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Sorry. phones

hold on

OH

MY

GOD

What did you saayyyyyyyy???

Lord

 me:  i was like oh.. OK.

then took a long drink

and was like-- no no not ok----

 Grace:  NO! not at all

 me:  i said i specifically asked you if you was homo (sorry for the non PC words here) i specifically asked you if you liked men

he (46 by the way)

was like i aint ever f*ed no dude if that is what you asking

 Grace:  OMGGGG

nooooooo

 me:  then i asked if a dude ever f*ed him-- he was like HIGHY OFFENDED

like get the f outta here

 Grace:  nah, breh

 me:  then i asked have you been in jail

 Grace:  You aint got no right to be

 me:  i didnt ask that question before

he said nope

sooo i said but it is perfectly OK for a dude to suck your __

 Grace:  so you never been to jail

 me:  he was like look

 Grace:  BUT

 me:  its just a BJ

its no big deal

 Grace:  you're letting dudes but their mouths on your peen?

no

no

no

o

no

no

no

no

SON!

 me:  EXACTLY

i

had

 Grace:  Where they do that at??

 me:  nooooo

more words

i was like ok

dis tew much

 Grace:  Ahreed

 me:  i said thanks C (charles is his name)

i'll be outta here in a few

 Grace:  wow

 me:  i finished my drink and was  out

------------------------------------------------------

 Grace:  WOOOOOOOWWWWW

I cannott.

Has he tried to contact you?

 me:  mind you -- we kissed

 Grace:  ughhhhhh

 me:  never sexed

 Grace:  ok good

 me:  EXACTLY

i was like OMG

yes

he been texting and left a few voicemails

i textged him back like you dont see nothing wrong with that

he was like it was in college

i was like i do not care if it was yesterday

does time matter

 Grace:  wow

I am disturbed

lol

 Sent at 4:31 PM on Monday

 me:  you

he is still trying to debate me about being 'moral' and judgmental

 Grace:  wow

 me:  (this stems from a prior convo on why i would not have sex with him after like 2 months)

 Grace:  no, sir. you need to address your true label and flourish in it

you're bi

and that's ok

but not for me

 me:  no judgement but we legit saw eachother a total of 3 times--- no thank you

EXACLTY

and that is OK for you

not for I

but he is saying it was one time

i was like ok

and

sooooo

that was my 'fall back" weeken

 Grace:  yikkkkeessssss

No Sir

 Sent at 4:37 PM on Monday

 Grace:  I'm sorry that happened

 Sent at 4:39 PM on Monday

 me:  thanks Grace

it is just another thing...

or one thing after another