because I struggle (still)

waiting

I have been struggling with the issues surrounding the writing of this post for some time now-- mainly because if I put it into words then I have to deal with it being reality-- if I put it to print then it can never be taken back- even after you control+alt+delete it away-- the words make it real and since the words have been in my subconscious and conscious for about 5 months now I figure no peace of my mind will come until I release this piece of my mind.

Finally, a boob shot for the fans!

apparently they found something

So because I have hit a certain # in age, one must maintain the fine specimen of a being that I am (#goddess). And part of that maintaining is getting everything checked out and OK'd for the coming years. SOOOO I go in to get the girls checked out cause they there and they need some care and after the most uncomfortable experience ever- EVER- where a kind Jamaican nurse or technician is mashing the boobs on this panel so they can get a great pic of them for prosperity. And they find something that needs to be further investigated. A lump. A thing. An abnormality that should not be there. And they tell me not to panic- which is not my normal modus operandus but the minute they say do not do something I up and do that something. And I immediately think about all the things this means and why and knowing that that "C" word runs in my family and specifically my Aunt had a mastectomy makes me think

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
No really
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

as if I do not have enough shit to deal with... now this? And there are a wealth of emotions (fear/ anger/ frustration/ indignation/ stubbornness/ complacency/ avocation) along with countless tears and migraines and drinks (cause alcohol, why not?) and more sleepless nights come flooding in each and every day henceforth. Sometimes for a quick second while I am on the #6 train (yes sometimes I be the crazy black woman with tears running down my face silently on the MTA)... I pause. There are many many things I cannot change in the world, many many things I cannot help to notice that are here and we all have to deal with many many things in any which way possible. This here (whatever it is) is just another of the things I gots to deal with. I am positive that this will all work out- because FAITH- but can I be on record in saying that:

1. someone has a lot of explaining to do 
2. I happen to love my boobs
3. what the fuck 
4. why me

And I have not spoken about this to many people- just 2. Because I have my secrets (every good girl does!) and I just do not want to give power to this narrative. Not today... not ever... It just is what it is- you know?

that's all...

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Complain Complaining Contemplating Complaints

Complain complaining contemplating Complaints
Some issues...As this is what seems to be my current occupation
As in lodge your complaints with me...
And expect me to what?
Handle it?
Nah, my name ain't Olivia.
But after the conversations with some folks today I need to take a page out her current book and BE SELFISH..
Period
So basically had a conference call with the brothers. There have been myriads of challenges- specifically this week one of them collapsed at the bus stop and had an ambulance called.
The other brothers precarious housing situation just got more unstable as his friend had a surprise visit from their social worker and now he has to be out pronto otherwise they are both on the street.
Great.
So, as I do, once you tell me this I am asking all these damn questions like where are you with your housing applications and where is your social worker and what's your next move. He has no response but rebuttals as in you don't know all I've been doing. Correct. As I have stated multiple times is that I am only capable of giving you information based on the factors you provide me.
Period.
And when the information is not complete and I am seeking answers and questions and you are getting upset then
again
what did you call me for? to complain? to listen? to unload all your baggage on me and expect me to carry this along with the other weights of my life and be happy and silent about it?
Same things for friends who call to verbally vomit their gripes and life issues on me and while I am happy to be a friend
and stand by you
and listen to you
and support you...
ya'll need to know that
I am not the one to
fix it
I am not the one to do the

• thinking
• planning
• rationalizing
• creative budgeting
• innovative wording
• or experimental loving

that may suit your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs
that would leave me in a place of utter dissatisfaction
just stop.
I am not the one
thanks...

I need to... {30 for 30~ day 4}

I need to

Remember to love myself

I need to

remember when I am looking outside

for validation or justification

I need to look within.

I need to

remember when I need empathy

to first grant that to myself.

I need to

remember that I cannot expect

anyone to understand

exactly what it feels like

to be me

at this very moment -

so they cannot support

or sympathize with what I am feeling.

I need to

remember that I am ok.

Just breathe.

I need to

remember that this too shall pass.

I need to

remember why

I need to remember...

F*ckin Ni&&as...

It is Eid (for the Muslim friends who celebrate it). 

It is Sunday evening. 

It is me leaving my 89 year old grandmothers house after a quick 20 minute visit in my old neighborhood. 

What do I come out to? 

A motherfuckin scratched car- literally like someone keyed my car. 

REALLY? 

#1- I ain't fuckin no one else's man. Shit, I ain't fuckin any man at the moment. 

#2- It is a motherfuckin almost 10 year old corolla. 

#3- are people still doing that these days? Like for why? What purpose does that serve? To piss someone off- well it worked but

#4- ya Ni&&as may want to get the correct car because really keying my shit ain't causing the proper effect- unless it is to piss me the hell off in which case I would have to wonder 

#5- What the hell I do to you, Ni&&a??

So basically, I gets to deal with this nonsense bulkshit. 

Universe... You definitely have some explaining to do. 

Um yeah Integrity, honesty, and things of the sort

Things that are not at all common among dealings with human beings
in this world today nor are they common character traits now a days.
It seems people are definitely lacking basic character to begin with.
Wait... let me specify good character.
It seems that peoples morals, values, memories, truths and convictions bend with the time of day
or
the way the breeze flows and/ or depending on the feelings of the moment.
I say this because increasingly family and friends
are steadily chipping away at their integrity every time they choose not to:
ACT as virtuous as they claim they are.
Speak: as honestly and/ or kindly as they can be.
Stand up and
Hell,
BE a person true to the morals and values they spouted they were-
 not some assigned stereotype or prototype.
At this point only the stereotypical labeling of the marginalized group is the thing you seem to be able to relate to-
and yet it is a shocker that I am amazed that
You
Are
Not
To
Be
Believed
Or
Trusted
In the many
Actions and thoughts and words that have spewed from your face.
And
Many wonder why the truth trust issues I have
prevail over the relations and relationships I have.
Interesting.
And I hate to say this but my reaction is in direct relation to your cause because it--
this affects me
And the reality is as much as I would like for this not to change me--
because I strive to remain
who
I
am
essentially
and not change my core actions and values and beliefs like the wind while staying open and malleable to positive change-
I have to now
shift.
And refocus
And understand
Who
am
I
being
in relation to who/ what has become.

Interesting