So been thinking

So been thinking
like what a difference a year makes.
Last year, this time- so much was going on.
At this point- Bro #2 Mike was hospitalized with the stroke that put him in Jamaica hospital. I went to visit him and while he was there he was able to be coherent, he laughed joked but was not 100% but he was not gravely in dire straights. About 2 days later so possibly July 2 he had a massive seizure and stroke that completely took out the left side of his being, and his ability to breathe, swallow, communicate and was in a coma.
To hear it being told and to witness it-  Basically he was not put on anti stroke medications until it was too late. I checked in with my friend's hubby who is a brain surgeon who stated it was imperative for this to happen within the first 12-24 hours until they know. It is something that unfortunately we (I specifically) can do nothing about as it does not change the outcome.
Questions: Why the stroke to begin with? He did not have his blood pressure medication and did not have his diabetic medications because my brothers' other [aka the wife] would not pick them up for him since he didn't have the money to pay [he was unemployed and attempting to get disability or some compensation] although she was working full time and he was covered under her insurance. These are things it took her forever to find out and do [cover him under insurance, and even realize he was covered under her medication plan] She didn't know.  I call it negligence.
What other factors contributed to the stroke? Poor eating habits- let me be clear that did not start recently- but no food in the house at all- there was times he was literally eating one package of spinach [the frozen brick] because she was not bringing food home since she was eating at work and out because this is how she runs her household. I know they fought over this. Her marital household. The person you love. Right.
I failed to mention the nasty negative things her sister said about my brother and family and me just last year because what good does that do? Does not change the outcome.
What now? Nothing but healing. Trying not to fall into depression of unimaginable depths. Aloneness. Wishing folks were present. Just yeah.
I haven't deleted his number from my phone. That's rough.
So many people I've already removed :
Granny.
Grandma Anderson
People I want to talk to and ask advice of.
People who I figured would just be...
eh.
Just keep moving.
that's all..

[trying to heal this shit is a bitch. I am just saying I am trying... my heart is trying. but this really shook me to my being. made me question GOD- all of the God's and the Angels & the Devil. It is real, man- it is very real]

5 things 2.20.17

5 things

1. Own your own happiness
2. Challenge your own story
3. Enjoy the journey not the destination
4. Make relationships count
5. Balance work and play

coffee thought...

A few things.

First I do not owe you shit.

Let's get that clear.

It takes two people to be in this friendship 

and when one person consistently feels they are 

'doing all the work' 

and wakes the hell up and

 CHOOSES 

not to anymore - 

please do not get your damn ass panties in a bunch 

because this is the way it is.

 It's called life and free will and choice

Rant over. So where did that come from?

I had the pleasant opportunity to have a text message conversation with someone whom I called a friend - hell even sister at one point this past weekend and she got upset that our friendship isn't the same and attributes that to Me choosing others over her. I simply explained that as I evaluated the past 2-3 immediate years of this friendship I recognized where the reciprocity was present. 
Simply put- how has she shown up in my life. 
Has she attended any of my functions- like a housewarming or anything?
No. 
Has she made time to celebrate my birthday at any time (let alone the surprise birthday party that was thrown for me)- nope. And let's be clear- I get that maybe a set time/ date may conflict with many of other life plans out there- it happens - but my birthday happened with not so much as a " hey let's get together this random day to acknowledge you". 
Nope. That would never cross their mind. Yet I made it a point to be there for many of her birthdays in different states nonetheless. I traveled across 5 states when the third child was born. I was there for the beginning, middle and witnessed the demise of the 1st marriage and the beginnings and thru the current marriage. 
Yet because she chooses to view the few pics of IG of my life and create her own story (fascinating I tell you) about whom I choose to spend my time with and call out specific people- it seems to me that because maybe you are lacking somewhere (in your life perhaps? In my life- yup because you are not In my pictures perhaps? ) that there is this ...: angst? Jealousy? Over concern about the wrong things- like how about you think about why I pulled away and your contributions to that.

Let's be perfectly clear- because I had to ask you for money that was owed you said I made a federal case- uh no. I asked a year later for money that was owed- hardly a federal case. I traveled up and down the east coast and across several state lines for many a kids birth/ birthday party/ your mothers party and because I am not part of your mommy club or second wives club or whatever and I am an afterthought? Well I'm saving you the time it takes to after- think about me and removing myself from the equation.

Choices

I choose to spend time with friends that listen to me check up on me and show up for me. I gladly and willingly do the same for them no questions asked. I have and used to do that for her. I got wise and checked the interactions and see the feeling was not mutual and I fell back. 
It's life- not rocket science.

Eh. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime, but most of all a lesson. I have learned many a lesson- specifically do not expect people to care as much as I do because not everyone will- and hell not everyone was raised like me. 
Thank you for that. 
As I mentioned... I wish no harm or illness on her and her family- just my time will be spent elsewhere.
Deuces.

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Left work at 10:30 this evening.
There is always work to be done and more to do. Fun time in the OFA world when you are switching teams and all of the responsibilities that goes with it. Or that you asked for it. And it was sold to you in a crack pipe of accolades and praise.
Eh.
Maybe tomorrow.
that's all...

Oh side note:
Watched President Obama give his farewell speech today. This signifies an end of an era and truly a historic time in this Nation that had promise and growth and challenge and successes. Now... here are the real obstacles with the current elected person to our office. It is not at all anything funny and pretty messed up to see what human beings voted to run what was/ is the 'greatest nation' around. Right now- we are beyond the laughing stock of this world and something that is truly not funny.
We shall see how HOW we all survive this next 4 years- like I was telling a fellow #nobehaviorcrew member that is is like High school or college where you may hate hate hate it but you got 4 years here and have to stick it out. That is what we gonna have to do. Hardcore. Everyday. Strive for better. Never make the same mistake. Change the system. Break the broken system. Fight for social justice and make our voices heard. Yes, by any means necessary. By all means necessary.
As Mr. President Barack Obama said
Yes we can
Yes we did

Ok that's all...

Fall back..literally.....

Grace:  Ma'am

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Good day

 Sent at 4:11 PM on Monday

 me:  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 Grace:  lol

 me:  how you doing?

 Grace:  how are you?

Im here.

In these streets

 me:  i was just reading your status' (plural)

dying at my desk

 Grace:  LOL

LMAO

 me:  trying not to get fired

 Grace:  which one?

 me:  the one w the tiddies

smh smh smh sm h

 Grace:  LMAOOO

because

I was like. we're soft as WHAT now?

 me:  i could onky imagine your face

hahahaha

welp

this dude this weekend

smh

he outted himself

 Grace:  who?

 me:  talking about he like men to give him a BJ

 Grace:  wait

 me:  this dude i was talking to

 Grace:  whhhoooooooooo

nooooooooooo

noooooooooooooooo

 me:  YESSSSSSSSSS

 Grace:  where did you FIND him>>>

????

 me:  i damn near CUT

him

 Grace:  Lorddddd.noooo cries in downlow teas

tears*

 me:  SERIOUSKY

 Grace:  Did he not think that was a problem??

 me:  HE SAID WHATS THE BIG DEAL

i was like

SIR/ MA'AM

i specifically asked you if you liked peen

or anything like that

 Grace:  Sir/ma'am... LMAOOO

i

died

 me:  i almost cut him

and politely left the dinner

 Grace:  Why did you ask him that?

Did you have an idea?

 me:  legit-- nope

 Grace:  hhhmmm

 me:  and i have a good gaydar

 Grace:  wow

 me:  basically a gay couple came in

obviously gay

and he was like eww ill omh

i was like whats the deal i mean to each his own

he was like it should be kept inside

tho they suck a great dick

i was like oh...oh.... oh you know from experience? i was joking...

he was like yeah (*NOT JOKING)

i felt myself blink MAD SLOW like for reals?

been talking to him for 3 months

smh smh

 Sent at 4:22 PM on Monday

 Grace:  Sorry. phones

hold on

OH

MY

GOD

What did you saayyyyyyyy???

Lord

 me:  i was like oh.. OK.

then took a long drink

and was like-- no no not ok----

 Grace:  NO! not at all

 me:  i said i specifically asked you if you was homo (sorry for the non PC words here) i specifically asked you if you liked men

he (46 by the way)

was like i aint ever f*ed no dude if that is what you asking

 Grace:  OMGGGG

nooooooo

 me:  then i asked if a dude ever f*ed him-- he was like HIGHY OFFENDED

like get the f outta here

 Grace:  nah, breh

 me:  then i asked have you been in jail

 Grace:  You aint got no right to be

 me:  i didnt ask that question before

he said nope

sooo i said but it is perfectly OK for a dude to suck your __

 Grace:  so you never been to jail

 me:  he was like look

 Grace:  BUT

 me:  its just a BJ

its no big deal

 Grace:  you're letting dudes but their mouths on your peen?

no

no

no

o

no

no

no

no

SON!

 me:  EXACTLY

i

had

 Grace:  Where they do that at??

 me:  nooooo

more words

i was like ok

dis tew much

 Grace:  Ahreed

 me:  i said thanks C (charles is his name)

i'll be outta here in a few

 Grace:  wow

 me:  i finished my drink and was  out

------------------------------------------------------

 Grace:  WOOOOOOOWWWWW

I cannott.

Has he tried to contact you?

 me:  mind you -- we kissed

 Grace:  ughhhhhh

 me:  never sexed

 Grace:  ok good

 me:  EXACTLY

i was like OMG

yes

he been texting and left a few voicemails

i textged him back like you dont see nothing wrong with that

he was like it was in college

i was like i do not care if it was yesterday

does time matter

 Grace:  wow

I am disturbed

lol

 Sent at 4:31 PM on Monday

 me:  you

he is still trying to debate me about being 'moral' and judgmental

 Grace:  wow

 me:  (this stems from a prior convo on why i would not have sex with him after like 2 months)

 Grace:  no, sir. you need to address your true label and flourish in it

you're bi

and that's ok

but not for me

 me:  no judgement but we legit saw eachother a total of 3 times--- no thank you

EXACLTY

and that is OK for you

not for I

but he is saying it was one time

i was like ok

and

sooooo

that was my 'fall back" weeken

 Grace:  yikkkkeessssss

No Sir

 Sent at 4:37 PM on Monday

 Grace:  I'm sorry that happened

 Sent at 4:39 PM on Monday

 me:  thanks Grace

it is just another thing...

or one thing after another

coffee thought...

coffee thought...

Here I am again.
Both brothers in the hospital dealing with amputation and sanity in their forms of illnesses that have been manifesting over the years
and
here I am trying not to be the visiting nurse service because my mentals cannot take this.
My sanity cannot handle this.
I seriously think they coordinate this bi-monthly series of visits and short to long stays in the hospitals and mental institutions respectively out of a lack of anything else to do
or
 just cause it's Tuesday
or
just cause some days they may be bored.
I know that sounds cruel and i am quite possibly writing this out of some anger or upsetness or some not right thinking in my head.
But- as of right now,  I am seriously not this strong black woman that I have been for upwards of three decades now.
It is tiresome-
And I am tired. I am exhausted. I am beat.
I am also just not sure how much more I am supposed to give when I legitimately have nothing left. Maybe if I had a stronger heart or stronger soul or a stronger mind I could do this.
Alone.
 Like I have been.
And in all my aloneness I have dealt with many an issue.
But now, at this time. I can not. I will not. I shall not.
I have to take care of me right this minute because my care of me cannot be entrusted to anyone else- I mean who else is there for me?
And if I do not choose me, then why on earth would...
At any rate, I know my faith in the Lord has carried me and will continue to do so.
That is all I got.
But even the Lord got a day of rest.
Even the Lord wants us to take care of ourselves and all that jazz. 

Cause I am not the one for this foolishness.

And call me selfish.
Call me making this about me.
Call me not being a good sister, friend, granddaughter, whatever.
Call me anything anyone wants to call me.
But don't call me for that shit.
that's all...

Horoscope: Gemini: September 13th, 2016

You may be wearing your heart on your sleeve and everyone is out to abuse your resources-both mental and material. Don't be an easy target today when friends attempt take advantage of your good nature and push it beyond what can reasonably be expected of you. Sometimes you simply have to say no.

Remember, No is a complete sentence- Anon

I think I know where...

I think I know where I fucked up...

It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about

I'll be the man

Who will fight for your honor

I'll be your hero

You've been dreaming of

We'll be together

Knowing forever

That we did it all

For the glory of love

Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?) 
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of  love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.

coffee thought...

3/15/16
Beware the idea of March? Maybe ? I don't know...
My Caesar is off.
Sooooo
What's been going on in my life?
I don't know where to begin with all the things that have been done in the past couple of weeks...
all I know is that
I.
Am
someone
who needs attention.
 And not in a bad way or anything but simple acknowledgement and being listened to and kindness will go a long way. like for real a long way...
I mean these are the simple things that a person requires in life, right??  
I do not think I am asking for too much- I mean maybe attention is not the right word to describe it but you get what I mean.
care
courtesy
kindness
thoughtfulness
responsiveness (all these things Webster's dictionary describe as synonyms for attention!)
So yeah, between family and friends one of my biggest pet peeves is their lack of attention.  And I mean at times when it is evident that attention is required
(maybe I should make a tee shirt...)
I mean when I am talking to you or telling you my issues or my day or whatever
and immediately it is recognized that you are not paying attention....
'your mind is elsewhere'
or you switch topics and change the subject or ask some random thing
that is further from what I am talking about-
and maybe it is relevant to you-
like you are walking across the street and a car out of no where is about to hit you-
by all means we need to discuss this matter.
But when I am speaking- to anyone-- be it at work or at home or on the damn subway it irks me to feel like I am not being heard.
Like my voice does not matter.
That whatever it is I am speaking about has no importance to you- at this moment- or in general
and that you could care less.
And me- being the only me I know how to be - stops.
As in of course I stop talking and listen to whatever it is you are saying.
Do I go back to what I had to say?
9/10 times no. Because why?
Obviously you don't want to hear it -- or let's just say it's not that-- but obviously you cannot set aside you and your issues (ego) to spare a moment for your sibling (me) or your friend (me).
Me.
At any rate.
This is what I have noticed lately.
And I call folks on it. They laugh it off
Somehow sometimes
I do not find it funny.
But them is the facts of life.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'm me. You know.
The me that is a closed book to the world.
It suits me for now.
Because apparently this story is above comprehension on some levels...
And this chapter is not for public consumption..
Who knows.
that's all...

coffee thought...

The thought of the truths that were not told to me

is something that is unnerving to the basis of this here relationship.

 I can only operate with the information that is given to me

and

 when you start out with lies then everything else is built upon that shaken and unsteady ground.

 It is something that can rarely be stable and trusted-

 you know that solid ground that people claim to want to be in at all times.

 It is not that hard IF we all speak the

Truth.

The mother fucking truth.

I mean.

just because I demand the truth in my actions and being

 does not mean folks can exist in this space

clearly people go about a whole lot to keep the truth hidden

but then again is it still the truth even in the dark?

I dare say it is and has to be reckoned with on any level...

So,

in acknowledging the things that you believe about your relationships

and the truths you tell yourself about your current state of affairs

I wonder

Do you even know

 the things

 that were lied about anymore

 and

 how that effects the space

 we operate in?

Do you even care?

Hmmm. I wonder.

because they say the truth can set you free

or the truth has a way of coming to light.

eh

some people thrive on darkness

I myself sleep with a mask

but in truth

don't we all?

that's all...

coffee thought...

Too much on my mind
When I wake up I am in disbelief that I am here.
Alive
Having to struggle to do this all again
Having to fight thru the day to get to the other side of pain and move forward. Recognizing that I have limitations.
I have severe doubts of what is possible and I am utterly human with emotions that are unchecked and recklessly running rampant thru my heart. Causing havoc and pain and hurt and wow
But I'm here
I wish I could lie to myself and others and be like
I'm fine
All is well
But it's not
And I am not
But I don't matter
Not in that way to anyone anyway
And so I go on
Another day
Breathing
that's all...