I think I know where...

I think I know where I fucked up...

It would have to be karate kid part 2 theme song came out. The words happen to have something in there about

I'll be the man

Who will fight for your honor

I'll be your hero

You've been dreaming of

We'll be together

Knowing forever

That we did it all

For the glory of love

Now, taken individually out of context these are just words to support a kick ass storyline about this dude rescuing this girl and them falling in love innocently and stuff-- but when you put those words in the psyche of a ___ year old impressionable pre-teen whose hormones are raging and whose dream of love had yet to be fulfilled (in whatever way a teenager gets their dreams fulfilled) this thought process sticks with you as you get older.
And you are more aware
You are more aware of what you want in a man- not only for a man who will 'fight for your honor' (and I do not mean in some janky ancient Chinese ritual) but in the way they will fight to be with you- stand by you and with you when you are acting in a way that calls for less than a loving manner, and he will stand by you when you are excelling and accomplishing some real black-woman- magic shit, and he will stand by you when you are in danger and are falling. A man who will be proud to have you and know that YES you are worth IT. So, I assumed somewhere in my mind I equated this song to something of a great comparison to what I wanted to feel when I finally felt love.
These ideals kinda transpire in the way I evaluate a man to be able to be partnerable- because all of the things I wish a man to do for/with me I will be doing for/with him (like support and love and comfort and womanly stuff, ya know?) 
And it stuck.
Funny thing about 90's music. It's old.
And in recognizing the age of the music and the movie soundtrack you also get to thinking these ideals of  love and a man who will fight for your honor are just as old and antiquated and obsolete when unfortunately due to the rampant fragility of some black male ego these days, black men wont even claim you, stand up and fight for our equality and fight for our presence, safety, rights et. al...
but... it's good to know where I fucked up in the 'game' thinking that is truth...it is actually entertainment and a good movie.

Semi coffee thought for today...

Semi coffee thought for today:
Watched the movie magic mike XXL- and let me tell you something
There ain't bit a bit of believable plot in this movie here
However
The moves on one (or more) of these men there- I mean
Oh Lawd...
And maybe it is because of the lack of sexual anything in my life at
this time that them mens there looked ultra appealing
But i ain't mad at that.

that's all (too)...

The age of...

The age of...

This move I just saw called The Age of Adeline and it was really really a good movie about life, choices, and love.
*spoiler alert*- in case you have intentions of seeing this movie stop here, watch the movie, and then return to the normal reading of this blog... if you are not going to watch the movie, stop here, watch it anyway, and then return to the normal reading of this blog...

A freak accident happened and this woman ended up not aging in the conventional sense. Her age did increase, but her appearance did not.  The choices she had to continue to make throughout her life
(specifically surrounding love and companionship) were particularly interesting- see she could not ever tell the truth about herself (because she would have become a specimen/ a scientific experiment to be analyzed and militated probably for profits since the world is seeking increasingly the fountain of youth) and if you cannot tell the truth about yourself then your relationships and feelings are all

• based on lies
• never inherently bringing you close to someone
• are false themselves since again you are living a lie
• are complicated....

I mean I can go on and make a better list but I shall not. So, in this movie Adeline struggled to live-  every few years she changed her identity to not be found out. The only person who was a constant was her daughter whom she stayed away from so that people would not question why the daughter looks like her grandmother. Now, Adeline 'lived' but never had a life (does that make sense?) Yes, she had a child from when she was normal, but this child ages and she does not. Imagine seeing everyone around you down to your pets leave- aka die and you are here 'living'. It is epically lonely to say the least.
And imagine never being able to trust that someone will love you as you are, mortal secret and all, and choose to be with you regardless.
That is what gets me about this movie (and the acting was superb) but the 'letting go' and loving someone regardless of the risk. And the person you choose doing the same for you.
FOR YOU.
It is entirely liberating (in the movies at least) and freeing.
It is something I know I seek (I mean it would be nice, right?)
love
is definitely something.
I know what they portrayed in this movie (him courting her, making an effort, and showing her his love in many many ways/and then her showing him something he has never seen before) seems amazing. At the end of the movie, when the father is toasting his wife, the love of his life, and saying things like this partner of his made him strive to be a better man, husband, etc... sigh.
It is definitely a wish of mine for whatever/ whenever God sees fit to reveal and sends love to me that there is mutual fascinating with each other and a passionate love that is lifelong.
Again, someday.
But until then, there are great movies to keep hope alive and keep the thoughts positive about the current state of affairs.
Gotta just love love in all its forms.

I know

I know

You have a master plan

But sometimes you are just a little hard to figure.

 

quote from the Preacher's Wife

which I am currently indulging in

and throughly relating with and enjoying

at the same time.

 

Oh Lord, please show me.

 

Black Heirlooms- short doc

So tonight I sat on a panel discussing wealth and the African American community- specifically how first year college students identify and can access and utilize it. What are these conversations like and how do we all bridge the gap (economically and socially etc). We screened a film called 'black heirlooms' and it was a great conversation starting point about how you begin to discuss intergenerational wealth and passing that (well, defining that and then understanding what it is then passing it down) and having them talks. You be surprised (and the again maybe not) about the lack of knowledge and thought that we as a people culture and race do pass down (intentionally) and the things that we pass down unintentionally. Consciousness is key with these actions. Speaking about estate planning and have talks about what your wishes are- with yourself as well as with your possessions are important. I was very very happy to be asked to contribute to the conversation- I thought I did well.
Well, what am I feeling now? I am feeling a bit of relief that I did that and a bit of accomplishment and yeah. Proud moment.
Then again (on the other side of me) I am feeling
A little sad that no one cared to come see me speak (there goes that support I be looking for) and no one was there to encourage me or critique me or applaud for me or anything (for me)
BUT
I know that God sees me thru and watched over me. I also know my parents witnessed this and were present in their own way. Such is life. Even in a happy point I look for the other shoe to drop.

Some things are true...

Whether you believe in them or not.

City of angels.

Watching

This movie one true thing...
And it is about a career NY'er who cuts back/ gives up her career to come home to take care of her cancer stricken mother played by Meryl Streep. One of the prevalent scenes is when the mother is in pain and the daughter finds the heating pad for her. It is a scene that bothers me because the mother does not want to bother the daughter and does not want to share the issues with her. Also the daughter is doing the best that she can with not knowing how to properly care for her cancer stricken mother.
I can relate.
It is still heartbreaking the 'end' is always what sticks out to me and the way things happened- the way they felt- how I was unable to fix it.
And how I felt like (feel like) a failure because of it (while realizing I am not GOD in any way shape or form).
I don't know.
Some days I still think
If things were different
If things were different
If things were different

Oh for the love of courage....

One of my favorite scenes from The Wizard of OZ... is when they are about to be granted audience withthe wizard and they "feel" they are about to get their wishes granted (you know a brain, a heart, soem courage and a home) well, the cowardly lion says he can almost feel his courage and starts singing this song about if he had courage, he would be the King of the forest...and the song is hilarious....

The Lion sings...
If I were King of the Forest, Not queen, not duke, not prince.
My regal robes of the forest, would be satin, not cotton, not chintz.
I'd command each thing, be it fish or fowl.
With a woof and a woof and a royal growl - woof.
As I'd click my heel, all the trees would kneel.
And the mountains bow and the bulls kowtow.
And the sparrow would take wing - If I - If I - were King!
Each rabbit would show respect to me. The chipmunks genuflect to me.
Though my tail would lash, I would show compash
For every underling!
If I - If I - were King!
Just King!
Monarch of all I survey -- Mo--na-a-a--a-arch of all I survey!

Your majesty if you were king you wouldn’t be afraid of anything?

Not nobody, not no how
Not even a rhinehocerous, imposerous
How about a hippopotamus? Why I’d trash him from top to bottomus
Supposen you met an elephant? I’d wrap him up in celophant
What if it was a brontosaurus, I’d show him whose king of the forest

How? HOW? Courage

What makes a King out of a slave? Courage.What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage. What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage. What makes the Sphinx the 7th Wonder? Courage. What makes the dawn come up like THUNDER?! Courage. What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in ape-ricot? Whatta they got that I ain't got?

Dorothy & Friends:  Courage!
Cowardly Lion: You can say that again.


absolutely cracks me up...

more nail polish...

a couple of things...

 First, I think I may have an addiction to nail polish or could be the fumes of the nail polish but I mean after I cleaned my desk of the colors I previously had here I still 'seem' to mass a few more colors here for good measure. Sad, this nail polish addiction of mine (could there be a place I go like a nail polish anonymous group or something??)

anywho

Second- I am soooooo happy that I got this color here Rainbow Connection by O.P.I in celebration of the Muppet movie coming out this fall (November 23?)- This color is a Limited Edition meaning once it is sold out it is sold out (along with the snazzy red color I had on last week which was getting ms piggy with it).   I mean who does not love the Muppet's? who does not love the song rainbow connection sung by the lovable Kermit the frog? who doesn't love Jim Henson- genius of his time/ creator of these creatures and who does not love the color green??

Anywho... I am just saying...

[and that my dear friends is a true couple of things...]

all about eve

I saw this movie this weekend in my "all about me" moment- basically I did nothing but sleep, eat and sleep some more this Saturday. I didn't set foot outside. I didn't set foot in a shower. I didn't even care. Felt good.
So, All about eve is just one of the wonderful movies of Bette Davis...
and filled with equally amusing quotes...

Margo Channing: Funny business, a woman's career - the things you drop on your way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you'll need them again when you get back to being a woman. That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted. And in the last analysis, nothing's any good unless you can look up just before dinner or turn around in bed, and there he is. Without that, you're not a woman. You're something with a French provincial office or a book full of clippings, but you're not a woman. Slow curtain, the end. <---hmmm let's think about that one in the modern day trappings of what I & alot of other folks my age are speaking about...


Margo Channing: Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

Margo Channing: I detest cheap sentiment.

Bill Sampson: Outside of a bee hive Margo, your behavior would not be considered either Queenly or Motherly.
Margo Channing: You are in a beehive, pal. Didn't you know? We are all busy little bees, full of stings, making honey day and night. Aren't we honey?


there are so many more...but I'll leave you to ponder those...this movie= genius of its time.

today is whale day...

Vacation Day #5

Theme is "whale day" meaning I am watching whale themed movies and eating whale themed snacks and chilling (like a beached whale myself).

• Menu: Coffee- cause everyone loves coffee (including whales)
• Food: Some leftover yellow rice and a roasted chicken leg from grandma and later in the afternoon had some hot wings (I have a feeling if whales had opposable thumbs they would like a hot wing too)
• Movies: First up on the list was Free Willy- a lovely tale about a whale that was captured and a troubled boy set him free. I liked this movie cause it had a great tune by MJ and a great family theme.
• Next up on the list is Whale Rider- this is a GREAT movie that i stumbled upon years ago. It is one that mommy & I used to watch [she loved it & always cried which I am sure I am gonna do as well] The movie is about family and tradition and expected roles of women etc.

So later on I may watch Free Willy II or III or something having to do with water and whales (finding Nemo?)

ahhhh vacation nothingness= good time

Aug 4 8:43 am Oh yeah here is another....

Aug 4 8:43 am Oh yeah here is another....

ABW= Angry Black Woman
What you ain't know?

Apparently women in my age range who don't have a man are the #1culprits of this particular syndrome. We (women) apparently do not know how to get a man or treat a man due to the negative examples we have received from our parents and grandparents and the African-American community. According to this film I watched called "angry black man"- (aptly) subtitled "it's our turn to exhale", the director 'attempts' to show us how women don't know how to act when given the opportunity of a 'good man' and we tend to listen to our evil, sinister and apparently jealous girlfriends. He attempts to coin the term Angry Black Woman- that women are inherently angry and thus treat men this way on a regular basis and every move a man does is scrutinized and not enough. The director goes on to say how we (women) always want drama in a relationship-even if a man is doing 125%of what he could be doing right-things like taking care of his kids, putting food on the table and caring for his wife is determinedly not enough. The superficial example he shows in this movie is this chick- chick who is a trophy wife and this African dude who does what looks like everything right but she goes out of pocket at every angle. She picks a fight in front of their kids for no reason. She does not appreciate him cooking a meal for her. She argues in the middle of the night with him because he leaves his drawers on the floor. She is made out to be the evil controlling wench and he the doting loving husband just treated horribly. The director states we (women) would not know how to treat a good man using the argument that if a woman is raised by man-hating woman (single parent households always berating men and saying they ain't worth crap) then that woman wont know how to treat a man when she gets one. He then goes on to attempt to use that same argument (which gets lost in the commentary)- if a man only saw his daddy beating his momma then he is automatically going to become an abuser) I think that is entirely negative and false. There is a certain amount of choice, nature vs. nurture, good vs. bad examples and simple right and wrong that comes into every situation.

This movie/ documentary is utterly hilarious with the bad elementary acting and then the "real people" moments that are parsed in between them. The reason I am vehemently upset at this film is because it paints everyone with such wide stereotypes that it is ridiculous. That is like saying all black people like collard greens and fried chicken. Or worse. It is saying that because some women don't have a proper male role model in the home (be it because their father was pushed out or by choice or what if the man is deceased?) that these same women will NEVER know how to treat a man because they never were able to witness a loving relationship between the first man & woman in her life. Wouldn't this then hold true to the argument that then boys I mean men would not know how to treat a woman being raised by a woman? Does it means that by just being present (sitting on a couch all damn day maybe?) is better for all man-kind than being without that person in their life? Does it mean that even if the daddy beats on the momma it is best to have him there so the daughter and son can have a fighting chance [see how that worked out??]

food for thought....

NY!

Where dreams are made of there is nothing you can't do except find reasonable housing & a decent man- both are equally hot commodities and equally coveted in NY-- I guess I you make it here you can make it anywhere "it's up to you NY, New York"

Cadence

Cadence

I give

You take

Such are the ways of our world

I speak

You ignore

Our patterns are more and more distressed

I want

You need

But they are never the same things

I cry

You laugh

There are no feelings left to be had

I stop

You go

The beat of this love echoes in my heart

It's rhythm haunting me to the next mans tune.

paper bags & good hair...

Not necessarily the two things you would put together (unless you are getting your hair in a bag) but let me explain...
You do not need to be a rocket scientist to know what the paper-bag test is. Many people in the African-American community shun the existence of it but for those who don't know or never knew or thought that was plain ignorant here goes:
the paper bag test is/was basically a test affluent African-Americans (& others) would administer to determine preferential treatment to those who were lighter than the paper bag (I am really simplifying this here- to know more do your own dam research). For those African-Americans who were darker they were deemed _____* fill in the blank and therefore are/were "not good enough"

house negro vs. field negro.
good vs. bad.
light vs. dark.
white vs. black
(you get the point)

So I decided to use this paper bag in my office to "test" my blackness-
low and behold I am black.
(truly didn't need a paper bag to tell me that but OK)
Well not so fast (save the black power fist & dashiki) not according to some people I know and Chris Rock's movie out there now Good Hair. What is good hair, you ask? This is what he was attempting to answer for his daughters and thus shed some light on the topic.
(please can someone let me know)
According to the movie good hair is apparently long, flowing, manageable, easy, and flown in from India (unless you were born with it; which means massa was visiting the slave quarters). "Good hair" is what we spend BILLIONS of time and dollars on in chemicals & processing, time spent at the beauty parlor, wigs, weaves, tracks and stuff to whip that crown of glory into shape (notice the usage of the words)
I saw this movie yesterday and knew some of the things in there (hair from temples in India, reasons behind the sacrifice of hair) but also learned quite a few things that I never new nor experienced (because plain & simply that is not my hair experience)

• the perm/ relaxer: WHAT?? throwing acid up in your hair follicle to relax it from its natural state to bone straight= dangerous. I mean the 4 yr old getting her perm? the torture sessions/ test of wills & the burn that could happen? WHAT?
• weave sex: HUH? *editors note.....* but really don't touch the hair? no running fingers thru the hair, no twisting a loc between your forefinger & thumb while looking into my eyes (sorry i digressed there...)
• water/ rain: ??? Nia Long was like showering with a dude is like extra deep cause to get the whole thing wet and then have to dry it so it doesn't smell and all these other issues. [this is another one I knew since the swimming aspect/ getting hair wet when it rained my friends explained that to me]
• $1,000+ weaves & lay-away plan: <-got no words for that> I remember back in the day when my mom worked for K-mart and we laid-away our Christmas items and were truly delighted to receive them on Christmas Day. Is picking up your weave the same feeling?

While I was watching the stories unfold I was like "WOW, who knew all of this went on on a daily hourly basis in a woman's world?" One of my friends remarked "wow you really aren't black, huh?"
Ouch
All this to say what the hell is good hair? it is funny some of my friends tell me "oh you got good hair" and I say no I don't because hair is hair (dead follicles on your head). Most times people want what they want & don't have-- like i would love to be able to rock some locs in a mohawk or some two-strand twists in a fabulous chignon- alas I cant. whatever that's OK, i just got to do other things to make these follicles work...
oh my point... that my hair as defined by folks who are defining the good hair vs bad hair would be considered "good hair" (especially today when it is long and straight & wow it is raining so that will last until i get outside) does this mean I am buying into the same mentality & argument that is being made BUT in contrast to my skin tone (determined from the paper bag test) I am not good enough. This is the message I am getting from this world... imagine the messages young women are still getting (lest we forget BET, body image & education to boot).
good hair or not Chris Rocks movie was very good, enlightening and has the potential to open up a conversation among all races who are concerned with the hair issue. It taught me lessons I never learned about what some Black Women went thru & go thru to make the 'do do what it do. One lesson I hope EVERYONE takes away from this movie-
don't just come up to me and automatically think you can touch my hair. I will jerk away from you, look at you sideways and then possibly cuss you out.

buttons

Look I am domesticated!

I actually sewed on these buttons that I finally purchased! (the button on the bottom)

((yes it is only 1 button there))

backstory--> found the dress, it was $32.00 on sale for 50% off (really a good deal) but was missing 3 of 8 buttons. So I got the dress for $10.00 and figured how hard could it be to sew on a few tiny buttons? I mean I am an intelligent chick, self- sufficient, handy and all that jazz, how much should buttons cost? how hard could it be?

Well fast forward a whole season &1/2 (cause I didn't look for buttons last year at all and then shit happened...) suffice it to say dress was still hanging in my closet with the tags still on it.

So finally I decide to just do it and go to some buttony place in NYC to purchase some much needed buttons (guess how much the buttons cost?? $10.00)

keeping tally- dress price was $10.00 has now increased to $20.00...

Then I need to go purchase a needle & thread because who keeps a needle & thread handy? Maybe those women who undoubtedly have various shades of lipstick in their purses to match any of the clothing options of the day, or possibly former girl scouts who have that always be prepared attitude... or women who are just them damn handy dandy women in general.. at the end of the day not I.
(my moms did tho..)

Add another $4.99 for the needle/thread + $5.00 on cupcakes & tea I purchased (to help the process of course)

total dress cost is NOW: $29.99

Then it is time to sew.

I pop in a good sewing movie to get motivated (Pride because I figure I will have pride when I am done with this sewing project) and proceed to sew.

start time: 9:56pm

Attempt to thread needle #1... I can totally see why my mother and Nannie used to call me to thread the needles for them when I was little. Clearly your eyesight + little fingers make for better handling of the needle/thread.
needle threaded & knotted after attempt # 4 (attempt #'s 1,2,3 failed miserably as thread got knotted midway through, then once not at all & I can't even begin to explain what happened after that last one)
15 minutes & 1 button later I declare it is time for a sewing break and must get cupcake for motivation.

break time: 10:21 pm.

after cuppa cake and washing of hands and admiration of handy work on 1 button figured I should sew on the other 7.

resume work: 11:10pm

proceed to sew on 3 more buttons, chat on phone, really intently watch movie concentrating on the form of the swimmers specifically Hakim (Nate Parker)...yummy.

movie ends approximately midnight... just in time for another break and possibly another cupcake +tea.

12:33 am: talk to friend on phone who seriously doubts the sewing aspect of this mission.

12:38 am: Seriously doubt the relationship of this friendship...

12:40 am: re-thread needle & thread (got it on the first time this time! go me!)

resume sewing buttons in earnest: 12:45 am after doing celebratory dance

sew on 1 button & take a potty break at 12:52 am

re-resume sewing on buttons 12:56 am.

decide I need new movie to watch: 12:56:36 seconds.

1:06 am- put in Daddy's little girls (ummm Idris) because hey she is an educated, talented achieving female who I am sure could sew on a button if need be. He is an educated (tho not formally), chocolate, sexy, supportive, decent and loving man who could motivate me to do just about anything (do you want some money baby? how about some chicken wings??) I digress...

watch movie, drool, sew, contemplate another cupcake, decide against that, sew, drool and watch more movie & finally

completion: 1:58 am.

I could take a picture and show you the actual completed button sewing masterpiece but since it is such a personal victory I will leave that to ya'll wonderful imaginations. Suffice it to say that as I was sewing on a total of 8 buttons a few things ran thru my mind:

• I would never be able to work in a sweat-shop cause I would be fired for just plain not being able to thread a needle efficiently.


• Nate & Idris are super sexy & fine- indeed I am in love


• I think I need new glasses


• Chocolate cupcakes (while excellently chocolaty good) DO NOT adequately substitute for...


• hmmm yummy black men


• Them Africans can sew.

  

  While I was in Ghana they whipped up my dress (whole dress not 8 buttons in 24 hours) tailored to my measurements. twenty-four hours; nuff said.

estimated cost to make dress:

you figure about $5.75/hr (min wage?) @ 4hrs= $23.00

grand total of dress= $53.00

Pride in completing project= near priceless!

And the Oscar goes to...

Best picture of the year (in my humble opinion) & now the opinion of the members of the Academy...

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

this was a phenomenal film that was just beyond words.

and now to sleep...