Working hard...

Conversations with the brother...

Just wrong...

So, as I am scrolling thru the wonderful world of social media (full sarcasm in effect here) I come across HGTV. No, when I paid for cable, my TV gladly stayed on HGTV with all of the wonderful offerings (such as House Hunters, House Hunters International, Property Brothers, and every other decorative house buying creative design-on-a-dime show you can handle). I loved watching some of their things and really inspired me (at times) to create, reuse, paint outside the lines etc.
Well, the lovely folks for the HGTV web presence have lost their ever loving mind-- as they made lovely stalks of cotton to decorate your home with-- as in these bunion lickers ass wipes actually took cotton balls and stuck them on God-damned branches to recreate the 'good ole southern décor' and you too can have real lives cotton as decoration in your house.
pause.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Someone needs to get fired- matter of fact the whole Goddamned design team needs a permanent vacation.
Hell, I get a little twinge every time I use cotton balls in the house for my makeup and manicures
I screen captured some of the 'wonderful comments' and visuals that I could before logging off and trying to get some sleep-- this is why my ass should not be social media-ing while trying to go to sleep.
But I assure you this should not be where the world is headed
and it is all ya'lls  presidents fault. [the Orange one...not my Barak]
And on another note...
when is symbols of oppression decorative art? Confederate flag? Mammy dolls? Cotton picking cotton?
I know I will have to revisit this more to understand the symbolism of some of the items out there (like the mammy doll or the lawn jockey) but until then I wish someone would be like oooh let's make some cotton for decorative purposes...

lately

Friendly conversations...

Sunshine:  excuse you

who told you you could get to work at 11?

i thought you had a meeting or something this morning

 Sent at 2:11 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  *wondering if this is people ignoring me again. hmmmm...

 Sent at 2:15 PM on Wednesday

 Sunshine:  UGGHHHHHHHHHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sent at 2:41 PM on Wednesday

 me:  really

hahahahaah

well

since i was up at 2

and was getting sleepy at 5

i sent an email to the boss saying look i cant

i will try to be there at 11

and re-arranged my morning to fit into lunch time this afternoon

 Sunshine:  WHAT WAS you doing up at 2? didn't you hang up on me to go to sleep? oh my goodness you late night cheating on me

 me:  YESSS

No

iwent to sleep at 1

woke up @ 2:10 choking

ever happen to you

 Sunshine:  dick in the mouth?

 me:  like i swallowed or somethign

REALLY

REALLY?

shit if only

i would be choking then

THAT i am sure of

 Sunshine:  better start practicing then

 me:  that i want to do

 Sunshine:  choking is frowned upon

 me:  alas no willing participants

 Sunshine:  ask a cucumber. they seldom tell you no

 me:  but seeing as how i am like samantha from sex in the city and can swallow a lot of things with no lube

LOLOL

 Sunshine:  goodbye

 me:  i despise cucumbers

and really

 Sunshine:  i don't think someone who works with children should be having this conversation

 me:  you saying by to me ?\

 Sunshine:  well trick you aint eating it

 me:  exactly ms CEO

 Sunshine:  that's frowned upon too

 me:  isnt that what people supposed to do?

eat the booty like groceries

 Sunshine:  eat the dick?

 me:  HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAAHAHAH

OMG

i am leaving this coversation

 Sunshine:  lmao

you said it

well you made me say it

anyway

 me:  smh smh

 Sunshine:  well as long as you not shaking your ass

 me:  not today

coffee thought... VOTE!

coffee thought 💭 

Today is Election Day here in the USA 🇺🇸 and we are caught between Donald trump and Hillary Clinton. Now- I have not written anything about this upcoming election for a few reasons- specifically but not just limited to the nastiest vitriol that had been being spewed by the Donald. He went so far in one of the debates to call mrs Clinton a nasty woman. Now - they used to be friends- if not friends then cordial or human towards one another. At this time- he is actin like a petulant child 👶🏽 that needs to get beat. As in pick your own switch from off the road and beaten way. I am currently on my way to vote in this election- possibly seeing the first Woman president of these here United States. Imagine that... 8 years ago we elected the first African American president and we (America) are being all 'progressive' and what not. We shall see who knows...
But I'm with her...

that's all...

Isolation...

Hmm... food for thought..

"In western culture 

isolation 

is considered one of the most 

stringent of punishments."

From when you are a child and are sick- you are kept inside and not allowed to interact with other kids. I mean when someone has the flu or chicken pox you are kept away from them [presumably so they can heal-- but also so they do not spread]. Think about it-- when someone does wrong or commits a crime they are removed from society (at large) and sent to prison. When they do more wrong, they are then sent into solitary confinement- further isolating them from interaction around them as further punishment.

Now a days there is great talk and strain made about 'putting kids in time out' in some random place somewhere rather than laying of the hands on them (I am not gonna say which method I had or prefer but i mean sometimes time out ain't gonna cut it). I remember when we were kids, going to sit in the corner because I did something wrong or bad...

so it is very disconcerting that when one lives in isolation they tend to be viewed as being punished-- punished by the fact she is not wived up or booed up or with child... or society views the single woman as being punished  because she does not have a man to rescue her in this world.

funny thing, some people cannot wait to grow up- i mean when we are kids we cannot wait until we can do what we want- no rules no one to answer to. We (who had to listen to rules and do chores and live within some kind of parental establishment ) could not just wait to be 'grown'---> mind you there is no handbook for being grown other than I can have cake when i want to seemed to be the goal.
Now me, as the only girl in my immediate family, i cherished solitude. I loved solitude, i live in solitude- being sent to the corner was being sent to a happy place [my imagination is still a vividly and wild place to be] and most times as a kid i preferred the company of myself and played by myself because that is just who I was... who I am.

So this solitude that I have lived in prepared me to live... to love... to love to live.  It is strangely cathartic that I am OK with this because I am told that it is NOT OK to be OK with ...this.... and not that I am not in want of other things in my life (you all know cause i have written about it ad nauseam) but currently if it is not the will of the Lord in this good 2016-2017 and beyond then it is just
that.
OK
it is what this adulting thing is all about...
and also monitoring your cake intake. 
and drinking water. 
and using coconut oil
and staying in prayer.
and do'ing. 

coffee thought...

Back to work after a lovely weekend trip. One of them 'escape the world' specials that i can do- drove to Canada to see Niagara Falls considering I have always wanted to see them and two I have never seen them it was my civic duty to drive up there and cross the border and take a look.


Day 1- My road buddy this time was TRS as she got the hotel room on lock. So I drove. And drive. And drives some more. We talked about a lot of things and when I say we talk about a lot of things specifically love and lost and the loves we lost and the crazy men that we loved who were really boys in men's suits it is really enlightened as to what we discover about the truths we are holding on to about love. Or love we thought we had. One of the pivotal thoughts that came across Is the love we thought we deserved (individual of the love we shared with these men- such as emotional, physical, spiritual and otherwise). At any point in the equation was that ever received or was that just perceived by what I thought I was getting- which I maintain is not love cause from what I heard love don't hurt you like that (also love don't cost a thing and love don't live here anymore but I digress).

somewhere over the double rainbow

As we (I) drove we stopped a couple of times at random NY rest stops and even saw a double rainbow so clear and pronounced. It was amazing.

A we approached the Canadian border it was time for the passports to be produced and I was like ok no prob- we Americans so yay! Dude was all about to shoot me down like where you going and how long you staying and why you staying so far from the falls and do you have any firearms, knives, mace, pepper spray or other contraband? I was like shoot should I, it's just Canada? After all the questioning, I was sweating and felt like I done stole something. Sheesh. But then the real fun began as the speed limit immediately turned into kilometers and motherf* I can't read kilometers and I am horrible in math. Brief panic set full fledged panic set in as I am driving cause who trying to get a speeding or non speeding ticket and how much is that in American dollars?   Anywho, we made it (cause I had to pull over, call AT&T and inform them I am abroad and please don't shut off my phone) for the GPS to continue to work and then kept a driving. We found the hotel and then went out for the evening. FYI Canada is cold as fluck. Overall. Really cold as we are north. 

me+drink=happy place

We ate some fine food and then had a drink or two and headed back to the hotel room.

Day 2- we get up to a continental breakfast and successfully found other black people to chat briefly to. We knew our plan was to head to Niagara Falls and figured have GPS will travel. We did ask them for directions and found it was like 49 minutes away (back towards NY) but hey we go where the cheap rates are. We drove and found parking in a lot and walked around. Got a ticket to see the view of the falls from a space needle vantage point and the amazing GOD beauty that was the colors of the leaves was truly awesome. There are no other words for that.

view from the top

We also took a few pictures cause you know your girl had to and even saw some glass blowing (reminiscent of Chiully). Then we walked thru this part where we saw some Canadian geese (or are they just geese since we are already in Canada??) and some maple leaves which were cool.

duck duck duck Canadian goose?

We ran across some dinosaurs (no lie!) and thoroughly looked at the souvenirs- you know I have a magnet collection going.



Jurassic Park- not

Anywho the beauty of nature and the falls had me (a simple island Bronx girl) in awe of God's awesome wondererousness (my word).

Canadian Selfie!

As we approached the falls and you hear the loudness of them and the mist from the falls is rising to the sky I am transported back to before this was a populated tourist attraction and thinking about what the original inhabitants must have thought- to harness this power? To respect and cherish this natural resource? Just beauty. And then I think about natural erosion and how things happen in the world. Crazy. 

#lifeofabean

So we stop and get another good Canadian meal and throughly enjoy the day. Taking with TRS about life and decisions and choices and what's next and lives lost and loves lost- you know my mind was racing. And then, just thinking about the things I thought I would be doing approaching my fourth decade on this earth, and not entirely unaccomplished and not entirely accomplished in everything that I wanted to do (and every person I wanted to do... but I'll save that for the not PG version) and I am like well damn, isn't this something. And as my impulsive nature can get to me I decide to sign up for the GRE so I can apply for the EdD and then possibly make this thing (career) a bigger thing (vocation? extremely profitable career? opportunity for growth and movement in my career? movement to another location in the lower states career?) I dunno...but $175 USD is off the credit card and there is no turning back (application due by 12/1)...so what did I learn? Internationally my insomnia takes on a Canadian accent just FYI...

We even ordered Canadian Chinese food- and mental note I happen to love my hood spots.

Day 3-  When it was time to leave the next day, we enjoyed continental breakfast again (yay!) and headed home. 

legit snow. no thank you

Now, as we were driving and before we crossed into the upstate NY area the skies got hella gray and would you believe it started snowing! Like legit snow flakes. Yes it is Canada. Yes it is north. Yes it is anytime after June 1- but dammit I was so not ready for snow. And the folks on the road weren't ready as well. There was a bunch of sliding things happening that made me slightly afraid. But the Lord (and his gift of superior driving skills)...

Anywho We stopped in duty free and believe you me I almost lost my damn mind. Crossing the border and going thru customs was an experience. Welcome to NY with that attitude as well.

Got home and all in all spontaneous road trips are all thumbs up for me!

Next time my visit will include getting on the boat (maiden of the mist) and even walking under the falls! Maybe even a male partner of mine so there can be some International love (cause I am all about the international relations) I crack me up!

that's all...

Sometimes I feel...

So today is 'daughters day' and people over Facebook are wishing other people on Facebook Happy Daughters Day. And that's great and all if you have a daughter.  And it is equally great and all if you have a parent that recognized such things. But what if you are a daughter who unfortunately has no one to wish you a happy daughters day-  then what does that make you?

What does that make me?

And not for nothing, these contrived pseudo days we celebrate that are put into the psyche of society really do more harm than good [I'm looking at you specifically Valentine's Day] causing a whole heap of negative emotions and wild thoughts of worthiness and worthlessness at the same damn time. Them some two bad bitches.

Anywho...
Just thought I put it out there
Happy Daughters Day to the daughter I don't have (...)
and happy daughters day to the daughter I hope I was.

into the woods...

I took this quiz from (http://higherperspectives.com/relational-psychology-test/) and found the answers (and subsequent questions about my life) very interesting...

Feel free to judge...

This is what they call a relational psychology test. The answers to these questions indicate relevance to values that you hold in your personal lives. Let’s get to it!

Picture yourself walking through a beautiful forest. The sun is out, there’s a perfect breeze. It’s just beautiful.

Who are you walking with? Him

As you continue on in your walk through the forest, you come across an animal.

What kind of animal is it? Frog

You come up to the animal.

What does the animal do? Follows & Walks (hops) with me

You’re walking deeper into the woods yet, and you come to a clearing. There’s a house in the middle of the clearing.

How big is it? Is it fenced in or no? Small to medium cottage, low stone homely & Inviting

You walk up to the door of the home and it’s open a bit. You enter and see a table.

Describe what’s on the table. Plates & candles & napkins & fruit and food.

You finish looking around the house and leave out the back door. There’s a huge lawn and in the center is a garden. In the garden, you find a cup.

What is the cup made out of? What do you do with the cup? a big mug- sturdy for the large coffees I love! I pick it up and take it with me (never know when I will run into a Starbucks on my journey...)

As you walk to the end of the garden, you find yourself at a body of water.

What kind of body of water is it? A lake? River? Pond? it is a lake/ very huge river very pretty

You must cross this water in order to get home.

How wet do you get? I swim out to a boat (so very?) and then row the boat.

Ready for some answers?

The person you were walking with is the most important person in your life. Wait...

The size of the animal you come across is a representation of the size of your problems. ok, a cool small frog...

If your action was more severe, it means you tend to be more aggressive. If it was peaceful, then more passive. welp..guess I'm a bit passive...

The size of your home is representative of the size of your ambition. small to medium-- hmmmm

If there was no fence around the home, it means you tend to be more open. stone fence-- that's telling... a damned stone fence, huh?

If what you saw on the table wasn’t food, people, or flowers, it indicates some unhappiness. well there was food & other stuff-- does that mean I am semi-unhappy?

How durable the cup you found was is representative of how strong your relationship is with the person in the first part of the story. What you do with it is representative of your attitude toward them. well the cup is a big mug so I guess its a big thing.. and I take it with me so does that mean I take this relationship with me?

The size of the body of water is related to the size of your sexual drive. gasp! we all knew that...hehehe

If you became very wet, it indicates that sex is important to you. If not very wet, it may mean it’s less important. all the way wet... literally when I think of... anywho glad I can swim, huh...

sooo this means that.... oh boy. I need a drink.

coffee thought...

coffee thought...
Back from the NASPA conference in New Orleans, Louisiana. While the
conference was intriguing and informative and really made me think
about the possibilities of a terminal degree for me (paging Dr. Bean
anyone?) it also made me examine some of the biases and expectations
of this Student Affairs field that I am in.
The other night when I couldn't sleep or really speak to anyone about
my issues (any of the 1,023 of em)- it really made me wonder if I
wonder too much or if I over think things pertaining to the many things beyond
my control.
So I think about my journey/ path into higher education and how I got
here. Some know my story, most don't. Cool. But now that I am here- 15 years later- where am I? Am I where I thought I could be? Am I where I wanted to be? Am I where I am going to end up? Or am I just here?
So examination and reflection periodically is key to constant forward motion. ( I mean you have to know where you are to know how to move from there, right? This is precisely why on a map there is a you are here marker) and with that being said, I think of a bow and arrow- to properly shoot a bow and arrow you have to take aim, position yourself- retract the arrow and release. Did you hear me? You pull the arrow back to go forward. SO where do I go back (as in go back to school?/ do I take a lesser position somewhere else with a pay cut?) to go forward?? And what does forward look like?

Hell, where am I and are we there yet at the same damn time??

that's all...

coffee thought... Horoscope: Gemini: February 15th, 2015

You can afford to be avant-garde today-

let the progressive revolutionary in you roam at will.

Today is filled with thought-provoking discussions about controversial topics,

unusual or offbeat ideas, or "whacky" concepts.

The tempo of your life is increasing and

may leave you feeling frazzled today however,

because you are quite restless at present,

 you may say things which leave others stunned.

This means as usual I will find a way to put my foot in my mouth

concerning matters of the heart...

specifically matters of my heart

but hey,

why not feel frazzled and be restless...

it beats the alternative

(calm and bored).

anywho...that's all...

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coffee thought...

Had a few good cups of coffee lately and of course a few good thoughts.

1) the amount of work I do versus the rate of pay is severely lacking- I must change that
2) the folks I am currently interacting with (for the most part) are really some movers and shakers. I throughly enjoy some (some) of the interactions.
3) co authored an article for possible publication. Something that was a first (being asked to be a co authority on something is kind of cool) and even if it is not published I think the work is great.
4) witnessed the beginnings of a true scholar- like was truly (and am) impressed with his current achievements and future endeavors. It's interesting (that's all)
5) thinking (more seriously) about future work (goals), current achievements and stuff like that. Jury is still out.
6) looking for love (probably still is all the wrong places since I still ain't found it but I ain't in jail so that's good)
7) work..working hard never hardly working... it is definitely taking and making me stressed. Needs a massage stat.
8) my personal writing has its ebbs and flows- sometime not flowing at all and sometimes keeping me up at night with all the things i am trying to write but just ain't right.
9) family... sigh
10) 'in search of satisfaction'
that's all...

Trust

umm hmmm hmmm

right about now

i'm gonna need you to trust

trust what is happening between us

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to feel

feel these emotions that fill the silence

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to love

love every bit of me

and

right about know

i'm gonna need you to know

know that this is right

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you to taste

taste every piece of me like sin

and

right about now

i'm gonna need you

you

inside me

you

next to me

you

over me

you

behind me

you

holding me

you

touching me

you

licking me

you

sucking me

you

stroking me

you

fucking me

you

kissing me

you

loving me

and

right about now

i'm gonna need

ummm hmmm hmmm

fairy tales and fantasy...it seems

This is what i 'want' my journey in love to be like...

in some way shape or form

Man of my dreams will say...

 

and I will say to him...
 

...and man of my dreams will then reply to me...

and of course, i would feel/ say this to him

...and this will be my happy ending.


hey, some fantasies are better than fairy tales anyway.
at least mine are....
 

coffee thought...

these words are some of the words/thoughts/feelings/emotions that i can truly say i have/am/had/were feeling at some point [past/present/and i am sure i will feel in the future]

Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.

 

  

I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

 

   

I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give.

 

   

I think I made you up inside my head.

 

  

I'd say go to hell, but I never want to see you

Psst...Hey baby what's your #??

So. What's your #??
No, not your cell phone #- but your number number.
You know the number of folks you have had coitus with.
Well??
Think about it.
 I'll wait.
(insert Jeopardy music)
Some of y'all have to think back. Think long and hard (woah).
Some of y'all may need to pull out a a pen and paper, a calculator, an abacus, and graphing paper to get to that #.
Go ahead. OK. Everyone have that #?
Cool.
Next thought...
who likes blow jobs?
(or who doesn't???...I digress)
Assignment- of that number you calculated ladies (and gents) how many of them have requested a BJ? how many have you given a BJ to?
Voluntarily? <--- technically they all should be voluntarily or at least agreed upon....
Now who doesn't like a blow job. I mean,
How many men do you know don't like blow jobs?
That many, huh? Well, what if you like them (giving) and he don't like receiving, do you just suck it up and don't? (No pun intended) or do you just do what you like in hopes you can convert him... or what if not at all and there is no sucking involved???
Sigh...
So many questions- but this leads me to what are folks doing/ not doing in the realms of satisfying relationships.
Sexually satisfying relationships to be more specific.
Are folks willing to go outside the box (maybe all 50 shades of gray outside MY box) to satisfy the desires of their mate?  What are your limits? Hard? Soft? Limits? (who limits....again digressing)
Like what if the dude or chick you are with satisfies at least 70% of your needs (whatever and however kinky they may be...or not for the folks who ain't about that life) what does one do to get that 40% [YES I know my math is off but I would just like to say that some women give more than 100%...that's all ]- or is that just left on the table untouched?
Does one go they life with 'OK enough' sex?
[What does OK enough sex even look/ feel like??]
Considering you have a comparison to compare the sexual nature of your relationship to-
what if you are with the 40% dude?
Must we search for at least a passing grade??

BFTP: dreams and things...

Dreams & things
Current mood: froggy
Category: horny Dreams and the Supernatural

So I know I am going to open myself into a whole heap of questions/ trouble/ "looks of concern" by divulging this but…

Can I just say there is something inherently wrong with me??

Now I know I put on a good look and a great face, have magnificent shoes & and have a hell of a personality (I don't make this shyt up) but really there is something in truth wrong with me, I mean that is the only conclusion I can come up with why… (We will get into that later in) NO, don't get me wrong, I mean I am not talking about "wrong with me" like "oh my goodness, there is something sticking out your side" or, "oh my goodness, I am going to die"(no I don't wish that on anyone including myself) [unless one can die from loneliness and lack of sex ( I may have to google that)] but it is more like, wow tash, for more reasons than one, 1) you are lonely and THAT is blatant, palpable, and truly real…2) for all the morals and stuff I attempt to live by, why oh why are you having sexual dreams & escapades about HIM? (this leads me back to the prior notion that there is something wrong with me…)

I mean really of ALL the folks on this WWW & on Gods green earth WHY would my subconscious consciously wrap myself up with HIM? And not once, not twice, lets just say more than a few times come to mind (no pun intended). And the fact that it is HIM is just WRONG cause well WRONG WRONG WRONG. I mean is it possible that…I mean there are sooo many amazing men I ogle, drool over, fantasize about, and yes admittedly admire like Denzel Washington, Boris Kodjoe, Morris Chestnut, Nate Parker, Dwayne Johnson, Keston Karter and a few Michaels to boot like Michael Jordan, Michael Jai White, and Michael Ealy to name a fair few.  So why does me + rolling around with HIM in bed *multiplied by a number of acrobatic & compromising positi.. shame shame shame…. Oh and another thought, what does that say about me? What does that say about my morals and values? What does this say about my sexuality? What are my dreams/visions trying to tell me that is not coming thru in the daytime? I am so confused and so not in the know. And then who does one ask about this type of thing? All these thoughts and emotions are running thru my head on a nightly basis, which wakes me up as an emotionally drained, tired and horny woman. I am in desperate need some chocolate, and more coffee, hell and some sex…

Currently listening :  I wanna sex you up    Color Me Badd Release date: 17 April, 1991

commuting conversations...

SOOOOO...

 

These are the conversations I overhear on my commute home from hanging out and therefore I have to text this to my friends (because if I have to hear it someone else will have to bear witness as well) which definitely makes me think of a couple of things..

• The state of relationships in this world and the value we put on them
• The things we (women) are willing to accept just to say you are in a relationship
• The things (men) say/ do while in relationship(s)
• The reality that 'this' is acceptable to some folks (in a twisted way)
• Apparently (I have been told)having morals and standards are too antiquated and old fashioned and not of this new era of relationship
• Though if this is new era relationship then guess what?

OK? OK...I am done.

classy nails...

because nothing says

 "i'm a classy heaux"

 than a sandy color

with a pop of coral

for the summer.

Dance fever

Dance fever
On the train here. Always craziness.
Things to google while at 'work'
Top 10 vacation destinations
How to look productive when not actually doing work
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