BFTP: dreams and things...

Dreams & things
Current mood: froggy
Category: horny Dreams and the Supernatural

So I know I am going to open myself into a whole heap of questions/ trouble/ "looks of concern" by divulging this but…

Can I just say there is something inherently wrong with me??

Now I know I put on a good look and a great face, have magnificent shoes & and have a hell of a personality (I don't make this shyt up) but really there is something in truth wrong with me, I mean that is the only conclusion I can come up with why… (We will get into that later in) NO, don't get me wrong, I mean I am not talking about "wrong with me" like "oh my goodness, there is something sticking out your side" or, "oh my goodness, I am going to die"(no I don't wish that on anyone including myself) [unless one can die from loneliness and lack of sex ( I may have to google that)] but it is more like, wow tash, for more reasons than one, 1) you are lonely and THAT is blatant, palpable, and truly real…2) for all the morals and stuff I attempt to live by, why oh why are you having sexual dreams & escapades about HIM? (this leads me back to the prior notion that there is something wrong with me…)

I mean really of ALL the folks on this WWW & on Gods green earth WHY would my subconscious consciously wrap myself up with HIM? And not once, not twice, lets just say more than a few times come to mind (no pun intended). And the fact that it is HIM is just WRONG cause well WRONG WRONG WRONG. I mean is it possible that…I mean there are sooo many amazing men I ogle, drool over, fantasize about, and yes admittedly admire like Denzel Washington, Boris Kodjoe, Morris Chestnut, Nate Parker, Dwayne Johnson, Keston Karter and a few Michaels to boot like Michael Jordan, Michael Jai White, and Michael Ealy to name a fair few.  So why does me + rolling around with HIM in bed *multiplied by a number of acrobatic & compromising positi.. shame shame shame…. Oh and another thought, what does that say about me? What does that say about my morals and values? What does this say about my sexuality? What are my dreams/visions trying to tell me that is not coming thru in the daytime? I am so confused and so not in the know. And then who does one ask about this type of thing? All these thoughts and emotions are running thru my head on a nightly basis, which wakes me up as an emotionally drained, tired and horny woman. I am in desperate need some chocolate, and more coffee, hell and some sex…

Currently listening :  I wanna sex you up    Color Me Badd Release date: 17 April, 1991

BFTP

Blog from the past-- poem written around about 12/12/2005 (yikes!)

a poem
Current mood: Weird

that look makes my world go crazy...
the words in my mouth are scampering to get into my head,
into my brain , into my mind...
but my thoughts are all messed up
and i am in love with you.
but the thoughts of you are immediately unavailable
as i walk along this edge of reason-
reason being that i loved you before..
or i loved the  idea of sweet loving you
because when it came down to it
loving you was entirely too hard on me.
i lost my world while you watched me
watched me drown my sorrows and lament over
what i thought was
love
like perception is distorted when viewed from the inside
of the madhouse while drowning under the thoughts of
being without you.
sitting on the edge here makes me wonder
if love like life lives without...

©adiva/ CG

coffee thought...

day #5 without coffee....

i am contemplating throwing out my dress that i sewed these buttons on.
reason No. 1- tis the season for change- we sprang forward last night and tho we lost an hour of much needed sleep we will be moving towards longer days and (hopefully) springy/ summery weather.
reason No. 2- i am trying to define my personal style and i am not sure this dress screams something I love, something i am willing to keep in my closet/sacrifice much needed closet space for.
reason No. 3- (truthfully) it don't fit. maybe i could blame it on washing/shrinkage (of dress, clearly not me tho my scale says slightly otherwise)
so out with the old and in with something new...

and yes, another reason to go shopping.

that's all...

BFTP...et tu, brute?

originally posted 17 June, 2007

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Disappointments
There have been many.
Some grander than the others,
Others not as big as I expected them to be.
(Disillusionment)
Acquaintances, it is expected…
Friends, surprising but it happened and hurts just as bad.
But family…not you too? Et tu, Brute?
(Discontent)
You know,
Words have power.
You would think the people who say
they love you,
they say they support you,
they say they want to see the best happen to you
for you;
they want to be there with you….
You would think…
(Disenchantment)
Nevertheless their actions are also speaking louder than any of the words that they are saying.
It so happens that life, or my life in particular
Has prepared me for this moment
(Dissatisfaction)

New & improved

This is our new & improved sign for the office. Snazzy. The old sign was discolored and faded by the years in the hot sun so this is a 'proper' use of funds (in my humble opinion) that didn't go to my paycheck.--even the font is different which brings me to my next point did you know that NY is spending 27 million on replacing street signs/ names so that instead of it reading "RIGHTEOUS AVE" it will now read "Righteous Ave"- grammatically correctly <--(as those last 2 words were not). Who the flick cares? You could think of so many better ways money could be spent yet this is what our budget is spent on.

Do you remember not so long ago I was writing on the fact we were 'dumbing down' ourselves (or people were making us dumber by virtue of some of the changes to the street signs) & now "they" (they being the same people as before who thought to change the walk/don't walk signs to a red hand/white man combo) say we are not intelligent enough to figure out "HOE AVE" is still "Hoe Ave"-- proper use of capitalization does not make a HOE less of a Hoe.

(Yes, there is a Hoe Ave in the Bronx...just another one of the many wondrous things here)

BFTP...

This one was rather poingant as it was almost 4 yrs ago i was feeling some kind of way...sometimes I do still feel that way but add 4 years!
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July 24, 2006 - Monday tears+ fears - love= reality
Current mood: crushed
Category: Romance and Relationships

i just watched the end of an episode of "sex in the city". Charlotte is getting married to the impotent dude. Carrie voiced over something about "she is a 34 yr old single woman determined to get married, nothing was going to stop her" & "we are all just looking for love" something along them lines & something about that struck me.
is that the theme for the evening?
the neverending quest for love?
i feel like crying...
i don’t know why. could it be that time of the month...
who the hell knows, i have never been good at tracking/ predicting/keeping up with my moods...i just know that crying seems like something that i should do right about now.
what now? why come?
life...just plain simple life...i am tired of it all.
i know something is missing (lots of things are missing, truthfully) but first and foremost in my mind what i am missing is just plain love.
feeling loved, being loved, having love, just simple love.
i feel incomplete, less of a person,
even less of a woman (which is another topic all together) but just less than equal.
--->[now let me put this in perspective, i know i am blessed to be living, walking upright, relatively good health, stuff like that. i am thankful. ALWAYS.]
BUT even with all that, i am terribly saddened by life,
(correction my life),
saddened by love
(or my lifes' lack thereof)
and yeah, i am just altogether sad.
which is why i think i should cry. But i cant. i am really just rambling now because i cant sleep,
and i don’t have any more tears left to cry, which is not good.
reminds me of that Cosby episode where they say Claire's (Mrs. huxtable's) tear ducts will dry up because she is going thru "the change".
great, not only do i feel crappy, but then i have no more tears to cry (not like i cry often at all) but this one time i could use a good cry, i cant & not like i am going thru that change, but a change nonetheless..
my reality: 30 yr old single black woman (black in terms of island flavor, not black in that if reparations were to happen, i would get my 40 acres and a mule) lacking love.
NOT a pretty picture... it gets better.
terribly stressed about family, friends, love, job, money, school, education, the world, war, peace et. al....then we add love of job (or not on some days), friends loves (and friends losses, marriages and divorces), families loves/hates, etc, and that is a lot going on... and you know what..
That is my fear.
I fear that this is it for me...THIS...IT....yeah scary...imagine being in it....
i came to the realization this evening on the train that wow, i am alive, but am i living?
*not in the living la vida loca life or the bling bling lifestyle, just plain living????*

i don’t know. what i do know is this, i am surviving.
unadorned surviving
...plain and simple. not terribly happy, not necessarily too unhappy, some days better than others, others worse than some before. today is one of them worse days.
Possibly worser than worse (that is not English, forgive me) i went for a drive when i got home from work. i tend to drive to run away, tried to clear my mind, clear my thoughts, tried to be open and receptive to the messages left by life and this day. Anything. I tried to feel something, because i feel i am missing something entirely, and possibly by being aware of something, i can find what is missing... it didn’t come. nothing happened. just wasted some gas in my car. that’s it!!! now i really feel like crying over gas prices.
i'll reserve that cry for another day.
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just FYI-
i am good! it is just a note on how I was feeling at the time and how much i think i put pressure on myself for why i don't know!

BFTP...

-->This is from April 12, 2006 & I find this utterly amusing...
apparently I am STILL trying to get my cumquat smashed...
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MY CUMQUAT
Current mood: busy
Category: Friends Made you look… but now you have to read. Everyone say it with me CUMQUAT! That just sounds funny... I mean I know I want to laugh while I sit here and type it, but basically it looks like a little cherry tomato/mini orange hybrid type of deal. Dunno what it tastes like (I was not gonna try it) & I think it is a fruit (I could be wrong) but what brings me to the Cumquat? You would think that living in a civilized world for approximately 30 years (give or take) one would have been exposed to various fruits/ vegetables and random oddities of this vast world well apparently, not and I and a few other folk who have never met the Cumquat. Last Friday night, well, when faced with such stresses that we have endured in HELL (more on that later) what do we (the lowly peons of HELL) do? We drink! To the cumquat!! (Well maybe not to the cumquat, but that is a reason to drink, not that we actually ever need a reason to drink) As we (my fearless co-workers & I) were all trudging to the bar (and we are a great group, lively conversationalist and great minds, I mean there is a dr. and a venture capitalist and a few married/engaged/ betrothed folk among us) & dreading the weekend to follow, cause yes, we had to work on the weekend; random thoughts occurred as we were following the cumquat (yes, I had rescued him and made him our mascot.) a question dawned on me why were we following the fruit? Then it hit me, we were following the fruit to a bar on the west side (and given our location, it was rather convenient, not just downright funny, but nonetheless following the fruit & the evening (I felt) was going downhill from there, soo what to do what to do well, drink, and wait for the free food! 3 drinks in, saying the word CUMQUAT makes everything even better. Apparently, someone wanted to smash my cumquat, others were throwing the cumquat around, many people just wanted to touch it I mean it is just awfully funny. The word alone makes it better than I can ever imagine! hmmm what was I typing about... oh yeah the moral of the story get yourself a cumquat, try not to get it smashed, and all will be well with the world!

BFTP...

Blog from the past---
Specifically approaching New Year 2007... I find this amusing.
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So as this year is coming to an end, a couple of things that have come to my attention:
My Closet
There is no more room in my closet for my skeletons, secrets, or all my clothes
as the bar in my closet has fallen 2 times over the last 24 hours.
There is no justice in the world!
since I am trying to actually hang up my clothes in the damn closet
and the damn closet is rebelling.
You would think that the universe would see fit to cooperate with me these final days in 2006. Oh well, I guess the universe was like why f* with tradition.
In addition to that, as my mother was in my house surveying the damage,
she said, "YOU NEED A MAN."
Now I am sure she meant something about
needing a handyman
or someone who can fix things and stuff,
but as the brothers roared with laughter and hollered with delight
I was like
"Thank you very much mom, as if I needed to be reminded on the very last day of this year that yes, I do not have a man, that yes, have not found a man, and that yes, I need a man. Thank you mom for them words of wisdom and encouragement for the New Year. In 2007 I will go forth and seek a man.
Any takers?

Oh & the other thing is, one can never have enough liquor in the house for a party, even if there is a party of 1.

Drink up & Happy NEW YEAR!
PS- And that's the way it is.

Blogs from the past or (BFTP)

Ever notice how some things have cool acronyms that one easily refers to & everyone knows what it is? You know like AA or WTF or TGIF? Or put those in another order and have TGIF, WTF, need AA. <-- funny how those came to mind but I digress...
Well, I have found a few of the blogs from the past that I think are humorous/ entertaining and just plain special that I think I should share them...BFTP!!(ok it is not as snazzy as the others...) but I will post these sporadically while I will still comment on the regular doings of life... feel free to re-read (if you read them before) & enjoy as if you have never seen them before.

Here's one to start...
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February 7, 2007

7 second blog
current mood: confused
category: Automotive

Might I ask why I was driving down Malcolm X Blvd last night in Harlem,
Oh excuse me the newly renamed ‘upper Manhattan’
Looking at all the gentrified areas and particularly noticing the new multi-million dollar condo that is about to overlook the northern part of Central Park when I see it
A RED hand indicating Don’t walk
And a White Man indicating OK to go.
I mean WTF?
Yes I have seen the signs before; they have been around for a minute now.
But do you remember when the signs actually read
Walk, don’t walk
Apparently some folks didn’t get the memo that
R.I.F (reading is fundamental)
And they now had to adjust all the signs to this.