monday woes

how you like i got up

went to the gym 

worked out

sweated 

got home 

showered

left 

EARLY

apparently you diddn't work out hard enough cause you is too much right now

took the train-- gave my seat to a pregnant dude

took the train all the way to BK 

got out and got damn breakfast 

entered my office at 8:24

sat

turned on computer preparing to eat food. 

looked at the calendar0

i belong in manhattan since i switched with virginia

tsk tsk tsk

exactly

sooo packed up 

and was then 14 minutes late for work 

it is a no win situation 

J.Lo killing it

just so y'all know this lady right here is killing it on her birthday
y'all. This dress is amazing and she is letting all y'all folks know:
It. Is. Not. A. Game.
Mental note to hit the gym
Images subject to copyright- as in I didn't take these pictures

coffee thought...

Day 2 of the gym

I did what I had to do. 

Not dead yet- and am still breathing. 

that's all...

coffee thought...

I made it to the gym. (5:06am)

I didn't die (5:55am)

Yay Monday (6:00am)

I need coffee (6:00:01am)

that's all...

coffee thought...

I have been trying to figure out why
Why is it that we need an A-ha moment to get it?
Why is it that we need a multitude of bricks crashed upon us to determine that oh, maybe I should catch the signs and pay attention.
Why is it that some people cannot get the hint and others cannot stop seeing the signs?
These are the dilemmas that are wracking my brain. For example:
Bro #2 just had surgery to remove one of his toes- due to complications from diabetes.
How is it you have a significant other and you have not made it to the hospital and she has been in the home with you smelling your putrid foot?
And [for the record] I do not blame her- because we all have a certain amount of personal responsibility here, and there is but so much another person can do when you won't do...
But what gets me is that how you don't want better for yourself or better yet how claim you want better for yourself but don't do better?
And how she- your choice- your love- don't do/say something to make you want to be around for a very long time with her? I DON'T GET IT
And on another note- how about if I am gonna have a surgical procedure my significant other better be there by my side otherwise you are not that significant and I can do without you. And I will find another other.

I am just perplexed because

1. He names me health care proxy because I am the responsible one. Do you know what responsibility that is? Here I am asking the hard questions (do you have a DNR in place? What about extraordinary measures- do you want any? What if they need to remove more than what they expect what's your choice?) and having asked these questions of my mother when it was that time I am like wtf? Again?
2. When I ask her what her thoughts were, she had none. could not answer. OK lady- that is the only time I am soliciting input cause clearly you are not the one to go to in this emergency situation. 
3. Why?
4. Like I previously mentioned- any lover of mine better be there for support of me or else there is no reason to be in my life... 
5. Is this the state of relationships today? Is my idea of support and love soo different and antiquated that it is OK to miss surgery?
6. I feel soo scared, alone, angry, hurt and helpless at the same time. Good thing there is God Present everywhere...
7. I need a hug
8. This is changing everything as he has must do better or else more things will get chopped off.

Sometimes my mind hurts with all the unanswered questions and the thoughts that I think are right, and common sensical yet are apparently extraordinary and like too much?
Sometimes it is all too much, I mean we aren't supposed to be getting more than we can handle, right?

And it is also amazing to see who steps up (Bro#1 girlfriend) which is amazing. I mean who knew?

anywho...pray.

122/74

blood pressure 122/74
I guess that is normal
 Weight XXX

Temp 99

I went to the doctor because of the pain in my left foot which is apparently plantar factious.

They also  apparently want me to stay off my feet for several days and elevate it.

This means no walking, running, hopping, dancing, cavorting, etc.

Unfortunately this is not possible since I am currently working like a crazy person as well as preparing to go on a cruise vacation that I have been looking forward to forever.

And I am supposed to take Advil to reduce the swelling for 10 days.

 

ALL OF THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I EXCERCISE!!!!

AND TRUST ME WHEN I SAY EXCERCISE I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT

INSANITY OR SOMETHING REMOTELY SIMILAR...

 

Apparently my body shuts this shit down in the worst way.

 I can't understand why.

I don't know how.

 But here I am having to drive into work these next couple of days and pay for parking

(like you have the extra $45 to spare + gas $$)

 because I can't do the walk to the bus to the train to the office for the next couple of days.

Maybe I will park tomorrow and try the drive Thursday / Friday depending on the severity of the pain

which like a vicious cycle would put me in more danger of damaging my tendons.

And then not being healed.

I left the doctors office overwhelmingly sad because I am not sure

exactly what I did in this world to 'deserve' this

and the tears of course were coming down my eyes.

I am just tired.

 And stressed.

 And tired.

And limping on the train.

 

Oh- the bright side?

My blood pressure is normal.

Without taking my pill today.

Even tho this right here is stressing me out

 

Oh the bright side #2

A dude just gave me his # in the train.

While I am sitting here looking all evil

and know I have on my

do not fluck with me face.

 He winked at me and told me to call him.

Okkk

 

Yoga- Day 2

So I decided to try again.
On this day I thought having survived the first day I would be well equipped to handle the heat, sweat and tears (no blood? not yet) and breathing of the 2nd class of Bikram yoga. Apparently not as nausea set in immediately and my 'calm/ serene' thought process escaped me definitely immediately.
I was breathing
I was remembering to focus
I was sweating profusely
I was not flexible
I was getting a cramp in my foot
I need to sit down
I need to focus
I need to stop
I need to remember to keep breathing
I was a hot mess - literally by the end of the class and think that maybe this is not the focus and thought process I can get used to.
Maybe this is not the exercise and path I am supposed to take.
maybe I am not the person who will be able to balance on one foot in a standing bow pose.
or ever be able to touch my toes again
or ever be able to achieve balance in my life- literally and figuratively.
Maybe I just need to focus on myself in other ways - trying to listen to my body is not working.
Hell, we haven't had a cohesive working relationship in some time, it seems. She gets me to where I need to be, I tend to think, OK next time I will do such-and-such to make it all better. Even the whole take care of yourself thing- I literally fell down steps and didn't take care of myself immediately because of the responsibility I think I have to other people, places, and things before me.
damn
I need a re-set button.
and a refill.

Day 1- Bikram Yoga

Ya dead yet
Yeah mon- Cool Runnings circa 1993

Yoga

Day one- everyone must start somewhere. This is where it begins. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I was to attempt to begin Bikram Yoga on Monday. Sparkles decided it would be a good thing to gift me for my upcoming birthday (instead of anything truly sparkly like Swarvoski). I read the rules, registered for the class, drank more water than I thought I could (which is not up to my recommended 8 cups still) and then promptly spent $108.00 on the following items: a yoga mat, yoga like pants, a tee shirt, a yoga towel, and a bag to carry yoga mat in. Yes. I had now invested money into this venture so I *thought* I will be all in. The name of the place is Bikram Yoga Lower East Side. I walked from the job (figured a bit of walking would be good) and showed up. This place was packed. Literally. Instructions- take off shoes. Check. Be ready to sweat. Double check. Stay hydrated. 1/2 a check. So I tell the nice man at the front desk this is my first time and he says, "Oh excellent, Welcome. So your main goal is to stay in the room..." Really? Is it that bad I think and apparently verbalise.  "Really, it is not that bad. If you need to sit down then do it. It happens. Listen to your body - take care of yourself. Have fun."  Sounds easy enough- not that I think this will be easy at all. "Oh and stay in the back of the room- it is cooler back there.." Sane parting words
So, I prepare to go in and place my mat. Not trying to be too close and not trying to be antisocial. Now what? Cause I am sweating already and I ain't even do nothing. Oh. Got to remember to breathe...which is such a lesson in life as it is
...Corine the instructor comes in, asks for new persons and checks our placement (yes, back of the room). She does not demonstrate the poses, but we should look at the first row for an example. Ok they are all professional and stuff. (Makes me sick). And we begin.
Breathing, stretching, sweating (not in that order because sweating began before I even attempted something). Somewhere in the 90 minute class I know when I was supposed to be all serene and focused and meditative, I was cursing everyone and their momma. I was especially cursing my body and the lack of stretch I have. I was cursing the weight I am carrying and the rolls that I am rolling with.
not a peaceful/ graceful look happening here.

And I would just like to say that if the back of the room was "cooler" than the front of the room, then the front of the room must have been straight HELL as the back of the room was hot-as-hell.

As I left the place I felt nausea, wet, sweaty, sick, like I was going to throw up, dizzy, grimey, hurt, tired, ashamed.
and I had the best sleep of my life.
Considering I only had one outfit I definitely needed a rest day  in between,
SO that was day 1.  My motto...try everything at least 2-3 times to be very sure I do or don't like it.

we shall see.
prayers are welcome.

Namaste.

Coffee thought...

Something about the first real day of spring with temps in the 70's really make ya appreciate the light of day and the fact you should have worked out more in the winter time. Love that I am able to breathe freely or as freely as allergies will let me be.

that's all...

Conversation

With the brother... Sometimes I wonder.

coffee thought...

let's start with the horoscope:

Gemini Horoscope for September 11, 2012

Money issues weigh heavily on your mind right now, although there's no reason to be nervous about it. You are merely more aware of the reality of your financial situation, which is a very good thing. The more accurate you are about where you stand now, the better prepared you are to get to where you need to be. So if you are feeling more thrifty or conservative than you usually do, this isn't a panic-based reaction to a shortage of funds. But listen to your gut.

sooo listening to my gut is supposed to keep me on the financial up & up? I think part of my gut got me into this problem (cupcakes, anyone? $58.00 tea's? swarkovski jewels) to name a few things...

anywho...

I am on the budget friendly- svelt friendly kind of mood, therefore I am eating oatmeal in the mornings and benefiting 2 ways- looser pants (yay!) and not spending upwards of $7.00 a day on breakfast (yay! Yay!) however the whole point to this experiment of thrifiness is to pocket said $- to which I have not because I cannot seem to figure out where it goes... and it goes and it goes....

today...is 9/11/12.

several thoughts occur to me on this day,

and every 9/11 that passes.

there are too many thoughts to write down,

too many thoughts to try to forget...

too many thoughts to leave unsaid

because to say them NOW would be...

useless.

My thougths will remain inside,

simply put..

I will never forget...

particularly because of these thoughts

that's all...

Desserts...

oreo ice cream sandwich.

 

this is 1 day off my diet eating.. back on the grind soon.

happy birthday MOM! (a semi-cake substitute)

 

;)

 

 

Lunchtime thoughts...

Lunch is a full and I mean full serving of bag salad (you know the kind that you buy in a bag from the grocery store) well I went to BJ's Saturday afternoon (easy there....) and got a huge bag for $2.50 (which is exactly the price they are selling the small bags for in the grocery store) and I am like OOOOH I am all healthy cause I will have a salad with my meal every day and therefore continue the letting go of some of this weight I got on me. Well, I realize that there is only so much salad a person can eat (this is only day one of the salad mind you but it is flippin lettuce, can i get a hot wing with that?)

sigh... someday this may be all worth it.

until then... chew chew chew chew.

coffee thought...

day #5 without coffee....

i am contemplating throwing out my dress that i sewed these buttons on.
reason No. 1- tis the season for change- we sprang forward last night and tho we lost an hour of much needed sleep we will be moving towards longer days and (hopefully) springy/ summery weather.
reason No. 2- i am trying to define my personal style and i am not sure this dress screams something I love, something i am willing to keep in my closet/sacrifice much needed closet space for.
reason No. 3- (truthfully) it don't fit. maybe i could blame it on washing/shrinkage (of dress, clearly not me tho my scale says slightly otherwise)
so out with the old and in with something new...

and yes, another reason to go shopping.

that's all...

Doctors visit 3/8/11 10:30am

130/80 BP- 80 is my normal bottom. I am not sure if that is good or bad considering i am on mess for that.

Weight__{less than an average baby elephant @ birth which is 232} wait. I need to loose more. yeah.

Wanna get a HIV test? It takes 20 minutes for the results. Ummm errrrr- was my response to the kind Hispanic nurse. Sure. She was like oh it's always good to know.
Then why oh why am I nervous to get an HIV test? I mean we all good, right? I mean seeing as how I have never done anything and nothing with no one you would think I am all free and clear, right (unless I was born this way ala gaga) Seeing as how i know i have test anxiety this is not a good look. You would also think that having this knowledge would make how I operate in life better- like more knowledgeable. But you know me- you know I worry about meteors gracefully falling from the sky and crashing into the earth effectively killing us all (Armageddon much?) you know i worry about failing at things I have no interest in attempting (Just in case i get the urge to try said things i wouldn't want to be a failure at them, ya know?) You know I worry especially about the things I want to turn out right (such as love, happiness, commitment, success etc).

So I worry.

Update #1: 3 needle sticks in a attempt to find a vein and there is no blood. What the hell? Am I bloodless? If you cut me apparently I will not bleed for they cannot find any veins that run thru me. It is utterly hilarious as I have not had anything to eat (this is supposed to be a fasting glucose) and am feeling like I am gonna faint. It is now noon and I have been up and about and active since 8. with no food from the prior 6 pm eating hour. This is so not good.

Update #2: I am HIV negative. So I know where I stand and how to continue that way. sheesh, I guess I passed. good thing, right.

Update #3: After 2 more needles, it is now time to proclaim "I am no pin-cushion". At this time I am like DONE. Nice Hispanic nurse politely puts 5 random ban-aids on me. 2 bugs bunny, a daffy duck, one flesh-tone (not my flesh-tone) and one of an inderminable character which is rather frightening.

Update #4: They send me to this place where they were supposed to be better at this, apparently not so much as I sit here for 2 hours effectively making me late for work even tho I took a 1/2 vacation day and still no blood. The utterly rude and damn near incompetent nurse practitioner there was upset that I was going to faint because of no food (at 2pm now) and after an announcement of "Me no think we seeing more of youth today right now" [translation-->they are not taking any more people] I was like give me my paperwork so I can leave. She was mad because "me deh pon already stick the sin-ting pon de sheet there, so me cannn give it back" [translation--> she already put her stickers on my sheet here, so she can't give it back] I told her I don't care where she put her stickers, since they did not see me I need to leave out of here {in my head i was thinking she lucky she old & i am weak at this moment cause I would have removed the stickers for her}. I waited while she carelessly ripped the stickers off the form and gave it back to me. So I went to grab food (COSI TBM cause i was starving - not the 1/2 but the whole) and went back to work. cause work is never done!!!

and guess who has to fast AGAIN to have to do this AGAIN so they can figure out what is wrong with me ?

food options...

FYI a small salad alone @ lunch is NOT the move

7 seconds after finishing the salad i am trying to chew off my arm...
now what?
<--- and alone in the sense that is the only thing i had NOT in the i ate alone thing- cause that's a given.

Lunch meet pickle

And everyone knows how I looooove a good pickle!
(this is my attempt at healthy/cheap eating& living)


and dig this:

Gemini Horoscope for January 31, 2011

What's your rush? The upcoming plans you have will have to wait anyway, so there's no sense in running around -- doing so only wastes energy. Keep your focus on what needs to happen today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. If you're losing concentration, distract yourself by socializing with coworkers or friends. Work on the social aspect of your life a little bit more intensely -- there are goals there that you haven't met yet.

healthier, wealthier & wise??

that is a goal of mine...

 

well it has been a goal of mine

ever since i have heard the saying

oh so many years ago

definitely something i am still striving for.

 

onward march...

coffee thought...

December 21. 8:34 am
Q:When exactly did skinny jeans become the norm?
A: exactly when my thighs decided not to embrace the norm.
that's all...

Lunchtime

Having a salad which is a lot of green. my taste buds are rebelling and asking for something i can put hot sauce or chocolate on...
(sigh) trying to mentally wrap myself up in this healthy eating.