Conversations... on Men aint shit

Back story:

Reading a q & A from an author we both follow and admire. 
Basically a woman writes in saying she is a fiance of a 7 yr relationship + is currently pregnant and taking care of him as he has cancer. Finds out he has a million dollar insurance policy and she is not listed (as they are not married- his mom and brother are). Add to this he is living in her place and she is stressed financially, emotionally and physically and he asked and she listed him on her insurance policy as she wanted the best for him. She is UPSET and wondering if she has the right (i mean she is baby momma + fiance and he is not looking out for spawns future and because she does not have the title of wife tho is doing wifey things he feels justified and she thinks he should be a decent human being considering she thought they were building a future together.)
SO me & my girls convo is OFF THE CHAIN cause as Aretha says (R.I.P.) Ain't no way...
I mean what say you?

Peeves... not the ghost

If you have ever wondered what one of the things that grinds my gears and really really pisses me off would be- either to avoid doing it or to testing the theory-- it is while I am on the phone with you in full fledged conversation. I am speaking. I am making a point (most likely there is a story involved)
and what do you do?
One of two things:

• YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE ME and START TALKING OVER ME WITH SOME COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC- like if I am stating my feeling about my day or what is going on and you then decide to be like oh, have you seen the new Childish Gambino/Beyoncé video? Uhhh, sir/ madame are you fucking kidding me? We were not even talking about  Donald Glover or Beyoncé and why is that what you are switching the conversation to?
• YOU START TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE IN FULL FLEDGED CONVERSATION WHILE I AM TALKING AS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PHONE TO YOUR EAR TALKING TO ME (I am not talking about if people start talking to you because that sometimes happens- but if you proceed to hold a damn conversation with them- I ain't En Vogue, I do not Hold On')

Is my issue/ voice/ concerns not important enough for you? Does my voice annoy you?
I am positive we have had enough of the counseling-of-you-time on this call and now I would like the balance of friendship to tilt in my favor during this conversation and NO- this is too hard for you to handle.
 Legit I do two things:

• I go silent
• I get off the phone

It is obvi that my presence is not needed in this one sided friendship so let me excuse myself politely (cause manners still count) and be on my way. I will talk to myself in the damn mirror before I begin to have a conversation of any depth with you again, thanks!
Old habits die hard- so I give people more chances than they deserve, but once I get the hint- boy oh boy.
Message received.
Case closed.
Not to be continued.

that's all...

oh, don't try this at home. with me. ever.
thanks.

coffee thought...

hmmm

Trying to Understand...

So I was having a conversation with 2 coworkers today and apparently my face and demeanor and body language said some things that were not understood- or maybe understood but ignored.

Basically, one was comparing the mundane activities of the job to showing up everyday and shoveling sh*t from behind an elephant. there is no thought to it, just do it. you ca vary your way (over the left shoulder or over the right) or you can vary techniques (like using right versus left hands) but basically there is no thought to it and you are not an integral part of the overall operation- just shovel the sh*t and keep it moving.

Now, while I appreciate some sh*t sometimes, and try not to actively get myself into sh*t at times, trust and believe that my presence on this GOD's good green earth is not here to shovel sh*t [however fabulously I will do it]

so I had questions- such as, "Oh, so you believe your job is shoveling dung?"

Answer: "Yes, but here's why...insert feigned attempt at humor and complementary accolades at times"

me: So you a sh*t shoveler?"

Answer: no, but yes

me: Oh, so you full of sh*t- as in you a connoisseur of ...

Answer: Really...?

me: I mean, I am just trying to understand..

[after a few minutes of me not being amused this ended as I was beginning to get thoroughly amused to be honest]

and then I get this text message:

So I mean, yes I am just trying to save my good good words for those that I need to use them on, and give the shitty words to those that need to be spoken to on that level.

yet they say im hard on folks?

really?

that's all...

Painting while confused

This evening I spent some time with my lil nephew and we were in our creative mode---

 aka painting.

Some days it is a masterpiece and some days it is confusion with a paint brush--

always amusing tho.

 His talents truly run the range of

 'lets mix as much paint as possible to make the perfect brown"

 to

 "ughhh my red disrespected my purple"

-- so the lesson of the day [still] is

 never let your red disrespect your purple

and

use as much paint as you can in life

 because

you only get one canvas

[metaphorically speaking]

Me this year

Pictured are 12 'ME's that capture who I was being this 2016. 

There is a story behind everything that happened here- 

alas some pictures are worth more than 1,000 words... 

we shall see what this next year brings, right? 

Be blessed... 

that's all...

work work work

Horoscope: Gemini: September 14th, 2016

An inclination to delve beneath the surface of matters to get to the bottom of them. Research uncovers new evidence that allows you to develop a better overall picture of any dramas that have been going on around you or with you involved.Try to work them out now as they have a better chance of finally having closure and resolution.
Well ain't that the cotton picking truth!

coffee thought...

May the 4th be with you..

Which is a silly as joke but considering today is May 4 I guess it is fitting.

What is not fitting are my clothes after this cruise I went on with my friends. Leading up to this vacation that was being planned over a year ago has been one of the most stressful times of my life- particularly dealing with work, family, friends, me (and in no particular order)

Figuring out how to get oneself to the airport via the MTA that don't ever want to go your way on a regular basis is a feat. Coupled with the fact I had a houseguest for 3 weeks prior to my leaving with left me with only 2 days to get my sh*t together so that I can vacate is stressful- you would think vacationing is not (yes 1st world problems)

Anywho, once I got to Florida, relaxation was able to commence and whatever I didn't have someone had. And let me tell you the amount of drinks alone on that cruise would have equaled a plane ticket to Bermuda and back. Trust me.

Yay unlimited drink package. And yay for NCL on getting their sh*t together- because this boat was not leaving Miami unless they did have it together. 

But utterly fascinating was the sisterhood that was felt during that trip. Missing from the photo below is Steph. 

I mean considering I do not have actual sisters (tho I have adopted TD & others along the way) it was great to be like in a great mix of supporting and hilarious and smart and caring and understanding and intelligent and dynamic women. Truly. We checked in on each other and made sure everyone was having fun. We covered each other with no one stealing from the other and I got some much needed sun and sand and sleep which is a rare 3 combination. 

 I missed some peoples presence but such is life.

I loved hanging out with my nephew and his foolishness- watching him daily interact with his mom and the rest of the folks is pure genius. 

He is truly a blessed heart and his mom is a saint! Kids are great! 

There was a moment on this trip where I was being someone's social worker or counselor so to speak and this person was born on Mom's birthday but having difficulties with his family and his elder moms care and basically I was like pray and understand you did/ doing the best you can. I guess that is what has to or needs to be said and heard at times (even on vacation). Funny enough the gang was like he needs his own friends and you good to chat with him for like 1/2 HR. It was riotous. But, all in all was able to sleep, pray, think, talk and generally overall just disconnect from some of the stressors of my life. I did not check emails or log on the computer (cause I was not getting charged erroneously for nothing nor anyone's issues since I do not got it like that). Now, my itsy bitsy tiny issue that happened at the end of the trip came in the way of getting from the airport- but you know once again I figured it out.

that's the way life goes, no?

Sometimes...

Sometimes

I just love it when a friend actually recognizes when life is getting me down and takes the time out to just send a little reminder ...
And I remember, and I am thankful for the blessing that they are.
❤️
that's all...

Coffee thought...bears

Coffee thought...

I have not been writing lately.. Squat been trying to make it day by day. I have been on a few trips and gotten some sun and fun and rest and relaxation. Which is very good for my body and soul. I went to the beach in Sandy Hook and that was such a lovely day. I also went to the water win TD and peanut. They are fun.
This past weekend hung out with the family at bear mountain and we bbq'd abs drank. And laughed a lot at the craziness of everything. It was a great day. Got in the pool there and I was like oh wow haven't been here since I was a little person (still have memories in the back of my mind of being there at the pool). I was happy the brothers could make it (yes I drove them) but it still was cool. Also happy that the former intern/ AD could come out and relax a bit cause this dude does not know work life balance. At all. Eh.



Sent from my iPhone

coffee thought...

Coffee thought...

Commuting in to work today and there are a bunch of traffic disruptions.

Today, the Pope is headed to NYC and the world is up in arms and disarray trying to prepare and accommodate his visit. 

While he is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church and the closest representative to GOD I am feeling very annoyed by this visit. And no offense to the man personally or professionally- cause he and this visit did not do nothing to me- not even change my MTA commute. This disruption and annoyance I feel in my spirit is reminding me of the last time a papal visit happened- specifically April 2008. While all the hoopla that was surrounding the then Pope and him coming to the Bronx to say mass at Yankee Stadium and all the things that were going on.  On the day he came to the Bronx, that was the day we had my mothers funeral. And in meeting the priest prior to having mass arrangements he made a comment that having mass that day was inconvenient/ or getting back from that mass at the stadium was an inconvenience. I remember saying to myself damn sorry my mothers death is an inconvenience to you. And from that point on I have been utterly unfazed by anything St. Augustine or Catholic church wise. I know the Lord thru my upbringing and I have faith and I pray. But I cannot feel reverence for man (priest/ pope) anything because of simple empathy that was not shown. And why how many years later do I bring this up? Because I feel crazy resentment at all that. I feel stupidly angry at something that I cannot change or control. And I feel utterly lost without the guidance and words of my mom and dad. It's stupid cause I am an adult. I think. I mean my bills say I am. But dammit apparently I am no ones child anymore. 

That hurts. 

that's all... 

coffee thought ...

Thinking about numbers in life- today being 9/11 and all.

This number is etched permanently in my brain- 

just like some of the other numbers of importance in my life:

5/23

16

4/08

1/13

8/25

4/05

10/23

3

0

These numbers do not mean anything to most people

 but have very significant meanings to me.

 But back to the original number I am mentioning today-

 many years ago

 people's lives were changed drastically on this date. 

Everyone remembers where they were

 and what they were doing 

and who they were living with 

and who they were loving with

and when the Towers fell

everyone remembered how they were getting home

and who they were looking for 

and what emotions were being felt

and who was missing

and who was never found

and what was never said

 and many things like that. 

Many people made dramatic choices as a result of that day- 

there were a few weddings and life changing plans because of it all--

 and this is not to say that these events would not have eventually happened- 

it is just that when you see destruction and tragedy at hand

one tends to revis their own mortality and place in the world.

So with all that being said...

 What have we accomplished since then?

 Individually

 and as a whole nation

 what has been done to uplift and advance this society? 

What have we done to bring us all together

 in a way that was prevalent that day

 (and yes people tend to bond over tragedies...

and there were a fair few directives and initiatives made

 and some resolute actions are decided on

 because of the emotions of the time...)

What have we gained since then? 

Not only physically

 but spiritually and emotionally

 and just what are we doing?

As a whole, I have no clue anymore

 I used to have a fuller broader and wider breath of emotions to spare for the world 

for all humanity 

however when I have nothing left for me

 I have nothing left to give.

All those number mean something to me.

 Important.

Of Importance.

but what do they add up to?

that's all...

J.Lo killing it

just so y'all know this lady right here is killing it on her birthday
y'all. This dress is amazing and she is letting all y'all folks know:
It. Is. Not. A. Game.
Mental note to hit the gym
Images subject to copyright- as in I didn't take these pictures

coffee thought...

Currently flying at 39453 feet in the air traveling from Fort Lauderdale at 529 miles per hour over Savannah at this point. Going home.
Home.
That is something that I am thankful to be able to have is a home. I was visiting (with my sister girl TD) at my other sister girl house.
It was a lovely time- basically where we were able to rest relax and
just be.
And we talked cause we all can take up a storm. But it was soo good to see pearls again after having not seen her in quite some time (since I drove her to Florida).
We went to the beach and (according to them) were attacked by fishes.
It was the funniest thing. The sand on this beach was hot as hellfire and we were doing our best bay watch runs to the water and was thoroughly enjoying the food drinks dranks and drunks. Lol. As we were watching the birds dive down near the pier and scoop up the fishes I felt a little fish by my foot and was like oh. Well we are in the ocean so I guess it is to be expected. Then TD feels a fish. Then pearls daughter was like Ohhhh mommy you better get out the water (she gets skeeved by these things) and the next thing you know there was a school or a damn near university of fishes (mind you these fish are like 3 inches at max) swimming by us. Let me tell you the craziness and the screaming them ladies did. I was cracking up laughing and they were grabbing on to TD for safety:
FYI we are in boob high water and FYI #2 we were swimming topless so 'they' were jumping out the water and the while damn beach was watching. You can't make this stuff up. TD was like (all deadpan) monotonous get off me.
 I died. apparently, being of Island parentage and used to fish and fish swimming near you/ by you and of course being that I am part mermaid, sea enchantress, goddess I am used to things like that...
Gotta love the silliness.
But on a serious tip, because of the spiritual beliefs and God that we believe in she cleanses her house spiritually in a regular basis. We talked about some of the things (spirits and prayers) and last night
was interesting if the nights that I was troubled in my sleep (prayers AND had to sleep with the light on) 
There are some things that are un-explainable...There are some things you don't ask questions on
that's all...

coffee thought...

Here we go again...
So apparently I am the one 
who had to 'do my job' 
and apparently part of my job
is relieving folks of their job... 
Now, if they were doing their jobs
 then I would not have to do anything 
but of course... 
Here we go.
Guess pretty soon I'll be a professional 
and not have to do active breathing exercises 
prior to speaking to some of the folks 
who claim to want to be employed. 
Go figure. 
that's all
Oh...send coffee

Car troubles - 2/22/15

Car troubles - 2/22/15




Everyone that knows me knows that I love my car. I mean she is
definitely key to my freedom and movements in life.
So when my baby gives me issues I am in dire straights as to what to
do. Today I was headed to hang out with the girls at TD's home. It of
course had been snowing all damned day cause this winter is trying to make sure we know whose boss (it's you winter it's you). Yay for the covered parking garage! That is the blessing and the best $195 spent (thus far per month). Sacrifices, right?
I walk thru the snow with some drinks for the ladies and get to my lil baby. I try to start her up. Nothing. I blink because that has never

happened before. I try again still clicking sound and nothing. I pause. I regroup and think surely I heard wrong. And try again. Still clicking sound. Now, i am no damned mechanic but dammit to hell something something ain't right and I am 3 seconds from distraught (and really should not be distraught but I mean we are talking about my freedom here) and nothing. I call the girls to let them know i am not going anywhere and I am also on the
phone with another friend for moral support. Of course I have an
attitude because...why? Why why why now is this happening ? Like is there
not enough to keep my ass busy going on in this world? but no [universe] you feel fit to send me this drama.
This would be a good time to have a man in my life who I would be like
hun, I'm in trouble and he would be like ok, I got you. Period. But
that ain't my life. As I am searching for AA or AAA my home girl law and order comes thru with her car. She is like girl we got you and do you have jumper cables. Luckily sparkles gave me an emergency kit like a few years ago and I know there are cables in there and jumps my car. Let's be clear- we ain't know shit about what connects to what but 1- managed to make that connection 2- didn't get blowed up and 3- didn't get electrocuted. That is cause for celebration. So we high tail it over to autozone and I purchase a new battery. Cause the dude said it's definitely your battery. $200 later the battery installed I am able to drive over to TD's house and am definitely in need of the drinks I am carrying.
All I do want to say is thank god for sisters and the blessings that they are in my life. Lord knows I would be stuck without them.

Family business

February albeit a short month consists of a lot of things happening. First off, grandma turned 90, and is as crazy as ever. As per usual I called and sang to her cause I mean she calls me and sings every year and why not return the favor. (And who doesn't love my singing?) anywho, the "family" took her out for a "family" dinner minus a particular section of "family"- basically no invite to the party. Now, am I hurt- yes. Will I get over it? As per usual, yes- cause see this just solidifies who & what "family" is and means to some people. [Of course they wanna be "family" when they want $$ from me or when I was taking care of their responsibilities as they were creating their own "families"]. Now, I know bro #2 is who he is and that truly he rubbed everyone the wrong way with the way he left the apartment and was (and still is) putting his life on FB.. But what the hell I did?
After some thought, I can only come to the conclusion- hey it wasn't me and leave it at that- does that stop me from showing up (to Grandmas & getting my hugs? Absolutely not, cause I need a hug every now and again) but my interactions with the other "family" members will be in direct reaction to their actions.
that's all...

Tonight...

Tonight
I dreamt I was in a large bus/ truck/ expedition black jeep like thing and we were in Bermuda.
You were driving and we were looking for the South Hampton Princess Hotel where you were taking me for my surprise. [Established is that it is summer time and we are vacationing there together as a couple] We made a left turn on this steep hill and pulled into the grassy spot so cars can pass and you can call the planner [Ms.____] on your cell phone.
You had your left arm on my chair kinda [remember they drive on the other side of the road therefore the steering wheel is on the right side of the car] and I proceeded to kiss your wrist and inner wrist [why not?] while you called whoever Ms.___ is to have them text you directions. [Meanwhile I know how to get there and am willing to drive and direct you but of course stubbornness kicks in and you don't accept my help]. I am content being in the car/ jeep/ truck thing with you [dressed in a white cottony dress with red flowers on it and you had on a tie with the same pattern and some cargo shorts]
We end up stopping on a Bronx street street named Bronx and the man who is there asked about Mr. & Mrs. Cox (they knew them and knew me) and wanted to make small talk about how I was doing and haven't seen me since I worked in the bakery. You were being polite, but was very anxious to get me to the hotel.
We ended up driving on South Shore road  and looking at the blue water and you were holding my hand. I recall saying are you sure, to which you gave me a stupid ass look like well of course.
As you lean in to kiss, I wake up...

some thoughts....
1) Who the hell are you? Black Man, yes, but distinguising features? No.
2) Why am I so comfortable with you? Like I know you and trust you
3) Why is it I can remember sunlight and patterns in my dress but exactly what you look like is crazy.
4) Why is there a party at a hotel for me- what did I accomplish or what is the reason for celebration?
5) Mr & Mrs Cox- they play a role (parental maybe?) and random ole man asking about them/ me.
6) Street nammed Bronx in Bermuda... no.
7) Me being driven around by someone (letting go of control)... somehow this must be a dream.

eh, it was pretty idilyic.

Of course sexism exists

Tonight I was dining with the younger brother/ basically he was able to meet me at work after what turned out to be a difficult day and we decided to go to dinner. We went to one of my favorite diners and proceeded to have a light dinner. Apparently what he was able to eat would carry him for 2 days since he had leftovers so that is something. Anywho to get to the point of this blog- the kind waiter dude put the check for the table (after I asked for the check) he placed the check in front of bro. Now, I guess one could assume the man is out with a woman who looks stunning and he is paying for her. Once could even assume that. But no, it just simply siblings sharing a meal. Ok. I pay (because let's face it- I pay) and hand dude the check. He proceeds to bring back the change and hands it directly to the brother. Now my brother is typically the misogynist and rants on men vs women all the time. He was actually shocked and appalled that the dude completely ignored the clues that he was not paying thru the whole interaction and I think it is not hilarious but sad that one cannot view a woman as capable of equally contributing to her meal or the meal of a dude. Just pure sexist assuming all around. Tsk tsk tsk.